Have you ever been completely captured within your own fantasy? No matter how hard you try to get it to go away, you can't, you think about it constantly, it invades your every thought when you're awake and when you're asleep. I have had that problem, and no matter how hard I shook my head the dream wouldn't leave. I knew how to get it to go away, and that would have been to commit the acts that I thought of, but I never thought I would.
I live a pretty normal life. I am a house wife, looking after two small children, a golden retriever, and a house cat, along with taking care of my husband and my house. I am usually shut up in the house, being a one car family, and though sometimes that drives me completely insane I am pretty used to it. I don't do much during the day, clean the house, clean the clothes, and talk to some long distance friends over the internet.
To break the monotony of my day, I write. All of my stories have to do with sex; it is an outlet for me and the thoughts that go through my head. I am a highly sexual person, and the stories help me to release some of my sexuality. Being highly sexual is a part of the problem that I've briefly mentioned, though, it took a long time for me to embrace who I am, and I had help. It wasn't just an awakening in myself, but it was an awakening caused by the words of another person.
His name is James, and though, I've not spoken to him in quite a long time, I have him to thank for opening my mind and my body to the person that I really am. He e-mailed me when I first began to write my stories, and post them so the public could view what it was I had to say, which was almost four years ago now. At first he was kind, and we exchanged pleasantries and fantasies. The pleasantries soon stopped, and he e-mailed me with words that I never thought that I would ever read. In the e-mail he called me a whore, a fuck toy, and a no good slut. The words surprisingly enough caused my body to quiver and my pussy to become soaked. I would have never thought that reading such words would have made me react that way. Being a person that can always pick up on the thoughts of another, either through speaking with them or reading something from them I responded back with what I knew he wanted to hear. I told him that I was exactly what he said, and that he was my Master, who must teach this no good whore how to act.
From there on out our e-mails followed that line, him teaching me how I was supposed to be, and me following his every word. I felt invigorated, I felt a live, and I knew then that a part of me was waking up, and that I was changing, and I liked the change. My actions even changed towards my husband. I became more submissive, and through my submissiveness more demanding in wanting sex, and wanting a lot of it. He too enjoyed the change in me, and had even begun to speak to James, sending to me during the day little scenarios in which him and James used me in every way they could think of. The words they wrote were torture to me, I began to think more about actually wanting to do these acts with the both of them instead of keeping it just in the fantasy world. It never worked out, my husband wanted to keep it just where it was, and I, though not happy, respected his decision.
James and I began to drift apart; we'd gotten so wrapped up in our fantasy world that sometimes it was hard to tell myself that it wasn't reality. We'd fight through e-mails, and finally one day I told him to fuck off. He did for a while, coming back every now and again, but we just couldn't find that same spark that was once there. The relationship ended, though, for me, it ended with a new self-awareness.
After James, there were others, many others, none writing in the way James had, just an exchange of mutual fantasies, which was okay, but it tended to get boring to me after while. Some tried, but it just wasn't the same, there was an underline of equality in their writing. The way they wrote told me that this was something that they had just fantasized about and never had any real experience, James had had real experience, and knew exactly what he spoke of. Even still, there was a couple in which spawned long term friendships, friendships that I still enjoy today, and with them share a kind of love with. This love is different than with love between two people who see each other everyday, those of you who have these kinds of friendships know what it is I speak of. It is a type of mental love, a caring you could say, and a sharing of thoughts that most find hard to share with in someone they see everyday.
I've gone about my e-mail adventures for a long time now, sometimes stopping altogether, in order to recoup, reassess what it is that I am doing, sometimes just breaking because I become bored of it. I looked for another like James, I felt empty without it, and though in my own life I had kept my new way of being, it just wasn't the same as it had been when there was another man involved. My husband would comment about how it seemed that I was losing touch again, I really wasn't, I just wanted more.
I love my husband very much; I love what he has done for me and for our children. I have been with him since I was 14 years old and now I'm 25. Since I've been with him so long, is why I have the problem with my haunting fantasy. I've never known another man, and sometimes the need or maybe the want of knowing what it is like gets to me in ways that it probably shouldn't. I can't help it; the thought of it drives me to the brink of insanity.
Anyway, one year after I met James, and lost James, another person came into my internet life. His name, Theron, I've written about him many times, and have written many stories with him. He is better than James, and when I found him, or maybe I should say, when he found me, I became happy again.
Theron is wonderful, and with every word he writes to me my lust grows, and so does the fantasy that will not leave me alone. I am more submissive towards Theron than I ever was towards James, the two are completely different. James screwed up, letting feelings get involved, and telling me that he loved me, actually loved me, and that he wanted me to leave my husband for him. There was no way that was ever going to happen. Theron, he has never in the three years that I have spoken to him showed anything towards me but the desire to fuck, and I appreciate that to no end. I will never love any man besides my husband, and Theron knows the difference between love and lust, which I must say that sadly for many people those two feelings coincide and they become confused as to how they actually feel.
Theron and I have never stopped speaking to each other. Yes, our communication has been off and on these many years, but that doesn't bother me. We will speak for many months, and then not speak for many more. We accept it, we have other responsibilities, we have our own lives, and we do get busy.
It was during one of our off peaks that the recurring fantasy began to plague me. I really didn't know what to do about it at first, and I kept it to myself for a long time. But with each day it grew and festered in my mind, there were even a couple of times that I thought the dream would come true, certain situations involving my husband could have led up to it easily, but it never went that far. I had had the fantasy many times before, I have even written about it on several occasions, but this time was different, this time it wouldn't let me be.
I had spoke to my husband about the fantasy before, though, never going into complete detail, and afterwards, the talk left me more confused than before, as it normally does when I speak to my husband about our relationship. When the dream wouldn't stop, I tried talking to him again, with the same end result.
"But it won't go away Don."
"It's normal Jess."
"It can't be normal, I've never had something like this happen before, usually fantasies go in and out, this one just won't!"
I had described the fantasy in more detail than I ever had before, and I could tell by the way he looked at me that it had left him a little flustered.
"Look Babe, I don't know what to tell you. I know nothing like that will ever happen. We've talked about that before, and I just can't do that. I can't share you with someone else and feel good about it."
I waved my hand at him, dismissing what he ever else he was going to say. I didn't want to hear about it again. I sighed, rolled my eyes, and looked away from him.
He tried to talk, but I got up and walked away, finding something more important to do in the kitchen.
As the days went by, I began to feel Closter phobic in my own head. I was going past the brink. It helped when Theron and I began to talk again, but not by much. In little ways, incorporated in our own fantasies that we wrote to each other, I would put in the thoughts that were making me feel so crazy. I never came out and said what was bothering me, all I did was hoped he'd get the hint, and it seemed as though he had. Writing things that catered to what I was thinking. Also during this time we began speaking of how both of us would love to meet each other in person. We weren't that far from each other, eleven hours, and if it weren't for our own lives we probably would meet each other as soon as possible. But even that began to fade, and seem an impossibility.
.... There is more of this story ...