Chapter 23: The Confession

Since it was Sunday, and few shops were open, the café was almost empty, so we took a table in the corner and ordered coffee. In the meantime my mind was busy how to open up the subject. After the coffee was served, and we were alone, I lit a cigarette, thinking over what to say. Reaching out, Dana took hold of my hand.

"Mitch, don't worry yourself to death. Just tell me."

"I slept with another woman," I said, without beating around the bush.

When she didn't flinch or show any other reaction, but waited patiently, I continued. "It was with a friend, and unexpected. I had not planned on something like that, not after the misstep I had with you at the park."

"I see... Then why did you, Mitch? Don't misunderstand me; I'm not trying to blame you or anything. Not yet," she said. Although the last was offered as a quip, it may have also been a warning.

"We had a kind of a history, as friends, but we never dated. She was horny and admitted to lusting after me, and I had lusted after her when I was young. I didn't realize I had it in me, still. When she offered a no strings attached night to work it out of our systems, I took her up on her offer," I said.

Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself, and continued. "Dana, I knew what I was doing, but that didn't stop me from doing it. It felt wrong, but in the end, I took her up on her offer. I'm not in love with her, but I love her, as a friend. It's... It's different from what I feel for you."

"I know that, Mitch. You surprised me. But, may be... I shouldn't have been," Dana said.

"Why do you say that? I've not done something like this before. I mean, not when I was in, or starting a relationship. I don't do that. I hope you know me well enough to believe that."

"Oh, Mitch. I didn't imply that. After all you've gone through, what you told me about your past, I'm not going to doubt you. You've had too much hurt to cause somebody else hurt, if it was within your power," Dana said.

I nodded.

"You've not been with many women. From what you told me, I know you've led a pretty lonely life since Reina. Emotionally, you weren't ready for any relationship, but that affected the physical side as well. My guess is just sex isn't something for you, am I right?"

"Yes. I had too much emptiness, and I needed to have some emotional connection, even when I had a short, casual thing going on. There weren't many, but that's not an excuse, Dana."

"Mitch, listen to me carefully. Of course it's not an excuse, I'm not saying that. But there's no reason to be unreasonable about some things. You're a young man with needs; hungry for sex and love. Unfortunately, without an emotional bond you don't give yourself a chance to satisfy the physical hunger, and that is bound to put a lot of stress on you. Here comes a girl you lusted after for years, and she comes up with an offer. I'm sorry honey, but I don't see how you could have turned her down."

"Maybe so, but I don't know what the answer is. When I was making the decision, I knew what I was doing and I didn't feel guilt... not as much as I thought I would, and that bothers me. Later, I felt guilty, but I tried not to dwell on it much."

"Are you trying to make it hard on yourself, or want me to take it easy on you?" Dana asked with a serious tone.

Thinking about her question, I realized I was trying for both. I felt guilt, but I also wanted to have an easy ride; even though Dana had not been hard on me up to that point. To tell the truth, that realization made me feel worse than guilty; I felt like an asshole, manipulative. And, I felt confused about what I was doing, because I wasn't sure anymore if I hadn't been trying to wiggle out of the situation I got myself in, instead of really owning to my mistake.

"I'm sorry, Dana. I apologize. You're right. I'm disappointed with myself. I was being hard on myself because I didn't want you to be hard on me, even though you haven't been. I guess I was trying to appeal to your gentle nature by being hard on myself. Maybe I wanted you to respond harder than you did, even though I didn't want to face your anger. I... God! I don't know... I really don't know, Dana. I'm sorry," I replied.

"You don't have to appeal to my forgiving nature, Mitch. Don't make it unnecessarily hard on yourself, too. You're not perfect. Nobody is perfect. Trying to hold yourself to an unattainable standard is not the way to attain perfection. Tell me something. Did you enjoy your time with her?"

I didn't want to answer such a direct question, especially because I had had one hell of a time with Sarah. Not quite the way I had enjoyed my brief time with Dana; that had been different. With Dana, there was a deeper emotional attachment and a bond, and of course, a different kind of love, and the sex had been great. With Sarah, it was much different. Lust and physical attraction played a major role, although there had been some similarities.

"Did you enjoy your time with her?" she insisted.

"Yes, I did."

"Did she enjoy her time with you?"

Reluctantly, I answered, "Yes, she did."

"Good. So, both of you had a good time and were happy?"

"How can you say something like that?" I blurted, perplexed by her calm reaction.

"It's not easy, Mitch. Don't think I approve of or agree with what you did. But knowing you, I know you needed it, and I would hate to see an experience like that to be spoiled by worries and guilt and other things, instead of mutual enjoyment."

"You don't agree with or approve of what I did, and yet you say what you just did," I replied, more confused than ever.

"Mitch, we're at the beginning of something. I know we haven't committed to each other, and neither of us know where this will lead. I can't put a claim on you, as you can't put a claim on me. I knew what I was getting myself into. We didn't talk much about it, but we both knew the score. As I said at the time, I was looking for some happiness and love, and you gave me that, and wanted to continue giving me that. I know what we have is unconventional, but that's the way it may be until we both know what we want. I understand hunger. I may be a woman, but I felt the same hunger as you; missing good sex, and emotional attachment. Men are not generally like that, at least not all men. You're like that, perhaps because of your past experience, perhaps because you're that kind of person. It's not that important. What's important is the way we feel about it. If I felt lonely, and hungry, and found some comfort with another guy for a short period, and told you, would you hold it against me?"

"No, I wouldn't," I replied, firmly. No, I wouldn't have; I didn't have a claim on her, and what's more I wanted her to have all the happiness she could find.

"And I can't hold it against you. It's that simple, when it comes to thinking about it. But, rational thinking has got nothing to do with feelings. I'm not exactly hurt, Mitch, but it does hurt in some ways. I know I should perhaps get angry with you, and that's the woman in me talking, but I can't. If the circumstances had been different, if our histories didn't have so much hurt, perhaps I would feel more hurt and get angry with you. I don't know. I want you to be happy. I guess that's what love is, after all and, besides being your lover, I want to be friends with you."

I realized she was still holding my hand, squeezing it, and I returned with a squeeze of my own. I felt the way she did. I wanted her happy, and as she had said, perhaps that was what love was all about.

"I hope my world won't collapse one morning," I said, softly, my thoughts going to darker places.

"You're a pessimist, aren't you?" Dana asked.

"Let's say, I'm not an optimist. When things start to go good, I fear a disaster is going to follow, so I don't try to get my hopes high."

"Spoken like a true pessimist. We have to work on that," Dana quipped.

It lightened my mood to a certain degree.

"So, if I give you some hard times, you'll feel better?" she continued teasing me.

"No, not really," I replied, chuckling at her quirky humor. "Or maybe you should. I don't know. Perhaps, to fool whatever disaster is waiting to strike."

"There're no disasters waiting to strike, Mitch. Don't think I was being easy on you. But as I said, we both need a break, a new chance, and we seem to find it with each other."

I leaned over the table to kiss her, and we shared one of her soul kisses. I thought she was claiming me as hers with that kiss or, at least trying to confirm what we had between us, but at the same time it wasn't a kiss to conquer. I guess, it was a kiss meant to express our love and our understanding, while setting each other free. However, I didn't want to misstep with her, again.

After the kiss, I asked, "I love your soul kisses, Dana. Are we claiming each other, now?"

"Not yet, Mitch. It's still too early. You'll know when you're being claimed," she teased. "She didn't try to claim you?"

"No, she didn't. I told her I was in a relationship, and she didn't want to come between us, but she was very horny and honest about it. She made her lust for me clear, but left the decision to me. She's a good friend," I said. My mind was playing other parts of the last night, when Sarah had mentioned she would like to share me with another girl.

Now, that's wishful thinking. You've just managed to avoid a disaster, and instead of counting yourself lucky and leave the table while ahead of the game, you're looking for ways to get in more trouble.

Giving me a look, she asked, "You said both of you enjoyed the time. She didn't feel an attachment afterwards?"

"No, not really. It was friendly, casual, fun, and mostly lust. Not like what we had."

"I see. And she didn't ask for a repeat?" Dana insisted.

"Now, you're giving me a hard time, Dana," I replied, trying to lighten up the situation.

"I'm not giving you a hard time or setting a claim on you. If she had lusted after you for that long a time, I'm wondering if she had satisfied her hunger and appetite."

"Uh... she mentioned she'd like a repeat, even though she knew that wasn't going to happen."

"I would have been surprised if she didn't."

"Huh?"

"You think you're not good in bed, but you're good. Better than some I've known. I was sore that day, but deliciously sore, and when I was back at home, I woke up in the middle of the night, hot and horny, remembering the morning, and had to work on myself to fall back into sleep. That's saying something, at least for me," she said.

"I've already had a hard-on in the shop, I don't want to have another one," I retorted.

"I guess that's not fair to you, when I can't help you with that."

"Thank you."

"What about you, Mitch?"

"I'm sorry? What do you mean?"

"Do you want a repeat with her?" she asked.

I didn't hesitate to answer, even though my mind went over the possibilities. "You are all the woman I need, Dana. I told you I'll never get enough of you."

"Yes, you told me that. But still, you did what you did. Did you work it out of your system, or is there more?" she asked, flashing me a smile to put me at ease, and to show she wasn't blaming me, at least not much for what I had done.

I didn't know how to answer. Thinking it over quickly I knew I wanted Sarah, maybe a few times more, but I didn't want to admit to it. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair to either woman. After last night, I knew I could stay away from the temptation, so I replied, "I worked it out of my system."