Chapter 38

The limo pulls out of the Las Vegas airport with a news van right behind. Diane Sawyer rides in the limo's back seat, alone. She's feeling very good. The Mary-Kate and Ashley interview is the hottest ticket on television, and she has stolen it from that bitch, Barbara Walters. Diane smiles the smile of the smug as she imagines Barbara Walters throwing her phone at the wall when she hears that she was beat out on this one. The only thing troubling her is how to handle the interview. When she flew out of Los Angeles, the producers where still discussing the type of interview she would do. This would be the first nationally televised interview since the twins turned eighteen and the first after their kidnapping. Now that they are considered adults, she could get much more personal and cover more mature subjects like sex, anorexia, and drug use. The producers were deciding, as she flew to Las Vegas, just how personal to get.

Her cell phone chirps; she checks the caller ID and sees its her producer. Finally, she thinks.

"Diane, it's Morty. I've finally figured out how to handle this piece."

"It's about time! I'm going to be there in a few minutes."

"This caused a lot of discussion. We wanted to make sure we were on solid ground, legally, here."

"Well?"

"It's seems firm. The investigators have checked and double-checked, and their information seems solid. When you signed the twins, we hired investigators to see if we could dig up some dirt."

Uh, oh, she thought. She remembers how Ashley had almost permanently rolled her eyeballs back into her head after the last interview; the little vixen was seventeen at the time. Diane hopes Monty's investigators did not uncover as much as they usually do.

"Did you find any dirt?" Diane crosses her fingers.

"Shit, what we found out would make Paris Hilton blush. These twins are living a double life. They make America think they are virgin pure; they even make movies called Mary-Kate and Ashley do the Minnesota Twins -- and a planned Mary-Kate and Ashley do the Packers -- that are simply about baseball and football, but with titles that would have their fans' fathers drooling over the DVDs. I mean they're G-rated, but with titles like porno movies. All to make everyone think they are so naïve. I understand, from the investigators, that what goes on after the filming is over is pretty raunchy. My investigators found the most amazing things, Diane."

"No kidding, Marty. What sort of things did you find?" She hopes Monty doesn't read the worry in her voice, as she recalls her first interview with them three years ago; the day she first came into contact with a strap-on dildo.

He chuckles. "Are you perhaps a bit concerned about what we found out, Diane?"

"No, Monty, not at all." Here it comes, she thinks. Monty, you cheap bastard!

"Well, Diane, some parts of this report on their activities I've removed and put in a safer place. The rest I'll send you, but... Diane, you've been a naughty girl. For your protection, I think I'll lock the rest of this in my personal safe. Say, who was filming this? Was it Mary-Kate? I ask, because Ashley looks awfully busy, Diane." She could hear the recorded moans over the phone. "This is quite a tape they made."

"Fuck you, Monty!" She doesn't remember Mary-Kate's micro-digital video recorder's being used. The young starlet had ordered it direct from Japan.

Monty roars in laughter. "No, Diane, I think it's going to be 'fuck you!' when your contract comes up for renewal... at, say, a much-reduced rate?"

"Fuck you and your whore wife, Monty!"

"Diane, pull the wedgie out of your panties, and let's talk about this interview."

Diane hangs up on him.

The phone rings again. She ignores it.

The phone up front rings, and the driver answers it. He says, "Yes, sir." Then, after a pause, he says, "I can't say that." A voice barks at him, and he finally says, "Okay."

He turns back to Diane. "Ma'am, now, I'm only just passing on the message, but the gentleman said to say, 'If you don't pull the phone from your old cunt, he's going to call Star Jones -- who's playing craps at the Bellagio right now -- to do the interview."

Diane's phone rings again; she opens it and spits out, "What do you want, you fucker?"

"Diane, calm down, we're all professionals here." His smile warms his voice.

"You're a professional pig fucker, Monty."

"Diane, Diane, remember the tape in my office." He sings the words.

Diane is silent.

"Okay Diane, I'm faxing you a full set of data." He chuckles. "Well, almost full. The boys in New York want you to use everything. He wants them nailed to the wall. Our ratings on this will go through the roof!"

"Fax me the data, Monty." She isn't happy. His investigators are going to cost her a couple of million dollars at contract time. She didn't usually go into an interview as angry as this, but two million dollars is a lot of money to pay for a little sack time with one of America's sweethearts. Even if she does eat pussy like a she-devil.

The interview runs three nights later.

During the day, before its airing, promotional announcements air at every commercial break. Each starts with red letters over a black background, reading: "This program contains scenes and language of a graphic nature. Parental Discretion is Strongly Advised." This fades to a young man being interviewed. He says, "... orgies almost every night..." His face freezes on the screen and a graphic appears. "The Double Lives of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen." Then the original parental warning appears again. A voice says, "Parents, this program is not for your children. Do not let them watch."

Just before noon, the Olsen Twins' legal department calls the network. Lawyers exchange threats and fax hundreds of pages of documents, then stop talking to each other.

At two o'clock, the twins' lawyers file for an injunction in federal court to stop the airing of the program. It is rejected by two-fifteen. The judge says that he will need to see a tape of the program before he can rule on the motion. The network holds the program under tight security and says the judge will have to watch like everyone else. The judge fines the network $200,000. However, in an interview later, the head of the network will call this, "4 seconds of commercial time on the show."

The cable-television talk shows are jammed with experts on the Olsen Twins. Fox News turns up a woman who claims that Ashley Olsen turned her into a lesbian. She tells Debra Norville that she intends to sue because she didn't care to have sex with her husband, anymore, due to Ashley's skill in performing oral sex on her. The woman works for a motion picture company as a makeup artist. "She turned me inside out and then back around again. It was awesome." Off-camera Debra licks her lips and remembers her last interview with the dynamic duo.

Calls begin flooding the network about the propriety of bringing down two of America's icons of wholesomeness. Speculation continues all afternoon and into the evening about what dirt the network had on the twins.

A half-hour before the broadcast, children across the east coast of America begin whining about having to go to bed early. They want stay up late to see Mary-Kate and Ashley. Their parents bark, "Shut up, and go to bed."

At nine o'clock, the graphic shown all day opens the program. Diane Sawyer's voice reads the warning message in an ominous tone.

The opening scene is the aftermath of the kidnapping. The bodies of two young men and one woman lay naked and bloody in the twins' dorm room. Liberal use of digital fuzzing covers the many exposed sexual organs.

Diane Sawyer's voice says, "The kidnapping of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, along with Princess Emira of South Aranbia, is one of the bloodiest on record. In this never-before-broadcast police photograph, you can see the bodies after the terrorists quickly killed them." [The photo shows the facedown bodies. Blood covers the floor, and a large spot decorates a wall. The camera zooms in on the bloodiest parts.]

"The kidnapper's target was Princess Emira, in an attempt to force her father to continue support for the Red Hammer terrorist organization."

[Mary Kate and Ashley appear on the screen, sitting on a sofa in the penthouse apartment. Their stick-figure bodies are appealing to older men who like them young and skinny. Their dresses are quite short and, whenever Mary-Kate re-crosses her legs, a digital smear on the screen appears over her crotch.]

Diane begins, "Mary-Kate, tell us about the night of the kidnapping."

"Well, Diane, it all happened so fast. We were entertaining friends in our room, and the door opens. This man starts shooting and killing our friends, and then hits us with tranquilizer darts. The next thing we remember, we're waking up in that awful place in the desert."

"Ashley, when the police arrived, this is what they found. [The opening photo of the bloody nude bodies is shown again.] Three dead bodies, all naked. Do you know why they were all naked? Did the kidnappers do this?"

Mary-Kate and Ashley exchange horrified looks.

Ashley stutters, "Uh, well, uh, we were, uh, well..."

Mary-Kate jumps in, "Diane, we got a little carried away this one time, and we sort-of, like, got carried away, and, uh, we, uh, turned off the lights, and, uh, got carried away..."

"You were having sex with someone then?"

The girls exchange another horrified look, but turn to Diane and nod.

"So this was just a one-time thing, then? You just got carried away after some heavy drinking?"

Mary-Kate blurts out, "Yes, Diane, we got carried away!"

"So, Mary-Kate, how long have the Olsen Twins been drinking heavily?" Diane closes in for the kill.

Ashley whines, "Diane, we don't drink heavily."

"Then you engaged in an orgy sober?"

Mary-Kate cries, "Why are you doing this to us, Diane? We thought you were our friend."

Ashley moans, "Yes, Diane, don't you remember the time we..."

The scene cuts to Diane's face in a close-up.

"One question that remained unanswered during the kidnapping, for the sake of the victims, was why all the bodies were naked. Mary-Kate and Ashley, when rescued by the Delta Force team, were also naked. The Olsen Twins claim it was a one-time occurrence after drinking heavily. We asked Ron Parsons, who occupies the room next to Mary-Kate and Ashley at Harvard, about this."

[Ron Parsons sits nervously before the camera.]

"Mr. Parsons, did you always have the room next to the Olsen Twins?"

"No, Diane, I was on the other end of the floor until the parents of the student living next to Mary-Kate and Ashley asked me if I would switch rooms with their son."

"Why was that, Ron?"

"They said it was a southern exposure, and that their son was allergic to sunlight and needed to move."

"Did you agree to this?"

"Not at first. When I declined their offer, they offered to pay my tuition for the rest of the year. I mean, it was only October, then. I should have known something was not right."

"What happened after you changed rooms, Ron?"

"The first night was fine until about one am, when I woke up to a banging coming from their room."

"What kind of banging, Ron?"

"I figured out it was a bed being pushed into the wall, very hard."

"By what?"

"Two people having sex."

"They were having sex and banging the bed into your wall?"

He nods, then says, "Then one of them started screaming, '(bleep) me (bleep) me!'" The network brass had ordered the tape editor to be just enough late on the bleeps so the audience wouldn't doubt what is really said, while keeping the FCC off their asses.

"Who was screaming?"

"At the time, I wasn't sure, but I later learned it must have been Mary-Kate."

"Why is that, Ron?"

"I later learned that Ashley is a (bleep)."

"I think the word you're looking for here, Ron, is a 'lesbian.'"

"Okay, Ashley was a lesbian, so I think it would be safe to say that I think that it was Mary-Kate yelling (bleep) me."

"Was this a one-time occurrence?"

Parsons shakes his head. "No, it happened all the time. I could hear as many as eight separate voices screaming in their room, sometimes. They had orgies almost every night. I couldn't sleep a wink."

"Ron, did you masturbate to these noises?"

Ron blushes and nods.

"I thought so, you little wanker." Diane turns to the camera. "First time orgy or a continuous orgy of sex and alcohol? Let's talk about the alcohol with Billy Hanks, convenience-store clerk in Malibu, California."

The view changes to another young man. He is about twenty and casually dressed. He's wearing a tee shirt that reads: "I (bleep) Mary-Kate and Ashley." A graphic reads: "Billy Hanks, convenience store clerk."

"Billy, you were working at the 7-11 in Malibu, California in June of 2002, weren't you?"

"Yes, Diane."

"What happened that night?"

"Well, Diane, the Olsen Twins came in and wanted to buy two bottles of Mad Dog 20/20. I told them they had to be 21."

"What was their reaction, Billy?"

"First they laid this, 'Do you know who we are' trip on me. I said that I had turned down the Bush twins just last week, so I didn't really give a (bleep) who they were."

"Ashley got pissed and said she would buy the store and fire my scrawny (bleep). I told her I would be glad to give her my job. I would take hers." He giggles at his wit.

Diane smiles. "What was their reaction to that?"

"Well, Ashley got angrier, but Mary-Kate stepped up close and rubbed my (bleep) and asked if I would like a (bleep) for two bottles of wine."

"What was your reaction, Billy?"

"It was a slow night and the manager was off -- he's an (bleep) anyway -- so I said, (bleep), yes."

The camera zooms in on Diane's face. "We have exclusively obtained the tape from the store security system from that night." [The scene shifts to Mary-Kate on her knees in a very brief thong bikini, bobbing her head over the clerk's groin area. It is digitally fuzzed, but it's very apparent that the clerk is jerking off over her face as he finishes."

Diane turns back to Billy. "How was it, Billy?"

He grins wider than the screen and says, "It was (bleep) great. She gives great (bleep)."

"Did they get their wine?"

"Oh, yeah, and they came back several times over the summer. Once, they even brought Paris Hilton, and she even (bleep) me."

"Did Ashley ever (bleep) you?"

"Naah, Diane, she's a (bleep)."

"Billy, let's say 'lesbian' instead of (bleep). It's just nicer, okay?"

"Okay, she's a (bleep) lesbian."

"Didn't it seem strange that such wealthy media stars would come to your store to (bleep) you for cheap bottles of wine?"

"No, it happens all the time. Lindsey Lohan is another big customer."

"Of course she is, Billy." Diane sounds very sarcastic.

"You don't believe me, do you, Diane?"

Billy stands up and unzips his pants. He reaches inside and pulls out his (bleep). [Oops, we don't have to bleep the narrative, sorry.] He pulls out his 13-inch dick.

Diana gasps, and says, "I've never seen a (bleep) that (bleep) big."

"Just wait." You can see his hand stroking through the digital fog, and the fog gets longer.

"Oh my, Billy! You must get a lot of business at that store."

"Yes, Jessica Simpson even (bleep) me, and she is over twenty-one and paid for the wine, too."

The scene cuts back to the Olson Twins as we see Diane's head vanish from the screen, moving toward Billy.

"So, Mary-Kate, Ron Parsons claims that you have orgies almost every night. What do you say about that?"

"I say, that Ron Parsons is a lying limp (bleep) little (bleep) who should keep his (bleep) mouth shut."

"Mary-Kate, what about you (bleep) Billy for bottles of cheap wine?"