"Doc!! I need to see you as soon as possible... it's very important..."
I recognized the voice on the other end of my cell phone as that of Brad, a very popular and famous actor, one of many in my practice. Recently married to Jennifer, he and his wife were the "It" couple of the year, possibly the decade. I had seen them both in my practice for a few years, usually for a cold or cough, never anything serious. But Brad sounded awful upset today...
"Now calm down and tell me what is going on." I had built a small but demanding practice that consisted of celebrities and their immediate families almost exclusively over the past several years. I had cultivated this practice very carefully, limiting my office staff to only one other person who I trusted implicitly, and maintaining a policy of absolute and total confidentiality. I had gone so far as to even disguising my office entrance with a fake business identity and very tight electronic security devices.
"I can't talk about it over the phone... can I come over to your office, say, in a hour?"
One of my policies in my practice (besides absolute confidentiality) is to make myself as available to my small group of patients as humanly possible. This was not to say that I would not turn down completely irrational requests, but if it was within reason, and sometimes if it wasn't, I'd do what I could for my patients. Of course, they paid handsomely for this, but most never complained about my fees, which were considerably higher than those of my contemporaries. On the other hand, they never sat in a waiting room, usually were seen right away at my office or at their homes, and never had to worry about their stories turning up on the front page of the National Enquirer.
"Ok, Brad; my office, one hour. Do I need to know anything in advance?"
"No... I don't thing so... will we be alone?"
"Yes, of course. Besides, I don't really think I'd be able to get my assistant back from her honeymoon tonight, even for you..."
"Ok... great... uh, one hour... click"
Strange, I thought to myself, he sounded awful nervous and upset. I hoped that it was nothing serious, though with this group of patients, one could never tell. In most ways, they were no different than most patients... but add money, access to parties, sex, alcohol, drugs, and all sorts of things happen.
An hour later, I found myself at the secluded front entrance to my office, unlocking the doors and turning on the lights as dusk approached. The front door was not the entrance that patients used... too obvious. Actually, the office backed up to a very exclusive group of shops and restaurants with a rabbit's warren of hallways behind them. All my patients were instructed to enter through the maze of corridors so that if anyone was following, evasion and escape down one of the alternative hallways was always an option. A soft knock at the back door a few minutes after the office was fully prepped and ready announced Brad's timely arrival. After my usual check of the security monitors that I had peppered throughout the back halls revealed nothing, I let him in and locked the door behind him. We exchanged the usual pleasantries as I led him back to the main exam/procedure room, and he took a seat on the exam table as I chose one of the rolling stools in the room.
"So what has you all upset tonight, Brad? You look completely normal; how can I help you tonight?"
He blushed a deep red and looked down at the floor, and I immediately sensed that this was going to be one of these problems. "I couldn't, uh, you know... Uh... umm... "
"Perform?" I ventured.
"Yes, that's it," he said softly, as he blushed deeply again. "I've never had this happen to me before!!" he practically cried.
I felt badly for him; here was America's favorite male sex symbol, sitting in my office, worried about his manliness, his potency... If word got out about this, the press would have a field day, which is exactly why my practice was run the way it was, and why my clientele was so loyal to me.
"Ok, Brad; now you know that this is very common for all men to experience this at one time or another..."
"I've heard that... but those men aren't me. And they don't have the burden of my position... And they don't have a sexy wife like Jen... and..." He babbled on.
"Alright, here, get undressed and into this gown... and then tell me what happened."
As he begins to take off his clothes, he tells me his tale of woe... "Well, Jen and I were just reading over some scripts in the sunroom this morning when she gets up and asks if she can get me anything. Of course, being the smart mouth I am, I say "A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou..." to which she responds "Oh, really..." and begins stripping off her clothes, one piece at a time, and doing this really great striptease for me... but I'm not getting hard and usually I'd be busting out of my jeans in a second just thinking about her great body... so I'm getting worried, and she getting naked, and things are just going downhill..."
"Then what?" Despite my professional demeanor, this stuff was starting to turn me on...
I had always been able to keep my mental distance from my patients in the past, but for some reason, there was something that was getting to me. It's not like I haven't had my share of the beautiful people in my practice; doing a breast exam on Ashley Judd, a pelvic on Sharon Stone, or testicular exam on Tom Cruise is just something that comes with the territory, but listening to Brad, naked but for a flimsy medical gown, sitting on the exam table in front of me, describe intimate details of his sex life with his wife, who was also a patient of mine, was a bit much.
"Well, then with all her clothes off, she starts dancing real sexy while pulling mine off too... rubbing her big nipples against my face while she unbuckles my pants, grinding my knee with her wet pussy... but by the time she gets my boxers off, it's obvious I'm not responding normally. Even so, she starts licking me and stroking me... but I just couldn't!!" he moans. "I mean, she said that she was fine with it, she said, but I just know she is disappointed in me... I'm so humiliated."
"Did she say anything to you about it?"
"She said that it was fine, that I was just worn out from last night, that it happened to everyone once in a while..."
"And she was right; you're wife has a good head on her shoulders; you should listen to her... and besides, how many times had you done it last night?"
"Just 5 times... I've done it more than that before..."
"Five?!? Five?!?!? I'd be dead if I did it five times in one night! It would take me a week in the ICU to recover..."
"But what if it's more than just that? What if I can't ever get it up again?"
"Now listen here, Brad," adopting my most authoritative and professional tone, "that simply is not going to happen. I am certain that this was simply a temporary condition brought on by overuse. I'm sure that you've even probably already gotten over it by now, and if you'd just get over yourself, you'd see that you are fine. You should just head home and get back into the saddle with Jen, as it were, and get your confidence back."
"But I can't go back to her without knowing for sure that things are fine... and besides, she just headed out to New York for a spot on Letterman and won't be back until the day after tomorrow..."
"So stop at the neighborhood newsstand, pick up a Penthouse, and go wax that carrot."
By now, I was starting to get a little tired of the drama queen routine.
"Isn't there any test that you can do to make sure that I am fine before she gets back?
Just to make sure this" as he grabs his crotch, "works?"
"Not really, you just need to use it..."
"Well, how will I know? I can't fail again..."
"Tell you what," I said, as an idea began to form in my somewhat lust-addled brain, "let's try an experiment. I haven't done this since my Human Sexuality in med school, but it may be just what you need to prove that you are fine. But you will have to keep an open mind, alright?"
"Anything; I just want to be sure that everything is working ok before I go home..."
"Ok, let's start by having you lay back on the exam table and close your eyes..."
"OK... now what?"
I could feel my palms getting moist and my mouth becoming pasty at the thought of what I was going to do... "Now empty your mind and relax. Think calm and happy thoughts.
Are you there?" He murmured his assent before I continued, "Now think back to the most erotic thing you and Jen ever did. Do you have that in your mind?" He nodded slowly, eyes still closed. "Pretend I'm not here... describe it... "
Slowly he began his story; "It was a few months ago when I came home early from the set after there was an equipment breakdown. I had thought about calling Jen to tell her that I was going to be there soon, but my cell had run out of batteries, so I just drove home. When I pulled up, I saw Courtney's car in the driveway; she was always over visiting us; she and Jen were as close as two peas in pod. Anyway, I went inside but didn't see them immediately, so I headed to the kitchen for a drink... and found the two of them... um... preoccupied with each other."
.... There is more of this story ...