"Welcome to the pre show interview. If you would close the door behind you we'll get started. Thank you. Your name is... ?"
"Well Natalie what did you bring us to be appraised today?"
"Well I brought these to be appraised."
"... uh, Natalie, I don't see anything."
"Oh. I'm sorry. My tits. I thought you were looking at them when I walked in. I mean they're really big. Weren't you looking at my tits?"
"Well, uh, yes I did notice them, er, I mean you, when you walked in, you're a very beautiful woman of course. But..."
"What do you mean, "But' I came to the Appraisal Road Show to have my tits appraised so that I can have them insured. Are you the tit appraiser?"
"No, Natalie we appraise items such as chairs, armoires, art work and so forth. Appraising parts of the female anatomy is not part of what we do."
"Couldn't you make it part of what you do?"
"I'm afraid not but thank you for coming in. If you ever have an item, that's not a body part, bring it in and we'll talk. Now if you'll excuse me there are people waiting."
"Wait, wait, wait. Just look at these tits! I'm gonna have them appraised and I'm not leaving until you give me an appraisal! I'll scream and tell everyone waiting that this whole thing is a big rip off!
"Calm down... take it easy..."
"Are you going to appraise my tits?"
"Yes. Yes. I'll give you an appraisal but we'll have to make it quick and then you'll have to leave. Understood?"
"Sure. I don't want trouble. I just want my tits appraised."
"OK. I think your... I think they're worth about..."
"Hold it. Aren't you going to ask me questions about them? What size are they? When did they develop? Do I wear a B cup or a C cup? You know, their history. What kind of an appraiser are you?"
"... Listen m'am, I'm a very good appraiser but I've never... Oh welI... OK... Can you tell me something about... your... ?"
"Tits? Yes, that's better. My tits started to form and become really apparent when I was in the second grade."
"The second grade?"
" Yes and I was very self conscious about them too but my mother told me all the women on her side of the family started developing their big tits very early."
"Listen m'am, this is most unusual. We produce a television program and I don't think..."
"I need them appraised."
"Ok. Well... uh... how big are your... ?"
"My tits? It's OK to say, 'tits'. 44 double D"
"You don't believe me? Here... let me open my blouse... see?"
"Oh my God. Ohhhhh my God. Ohhhh yes m'am... they're beautiful. Just beautiful. And... so big... and full and..."
"Yep. 44 double D. You want to touch them?"
"No! That's all right. I can't believe this."
"You can't? Just like a man. You want more proof? OK. The label is inside my bra, just give me a second to unsnap the front and... there! See? '44 double D' just like I said."
"M'am, put your brassiere back on! We really have to stop this now. I'm starting to get a little too uncomfortable to continue with this, uh appraisal."
"You mean your dick is getting hard?"
"No I don't mean that! My... dick isn't getting hard!"
"Yes it is. I can see it pushing your pants out."
"Yes! OK! My dick is getting hard and that's why we have to stop and you must leave!"
"But if I don't get my tits appraised my husband will be so disappointed."
"Please, fasten your brassiere and... your husband? He knows your here?"
"Yes. He's the one who wants to insure my tits."
"Why on earth would your hus... ?"
"Look, my husband likes to give me titty fucks. You know what that means I hope. He likes to put his dick between my big tits and fuck them until he cums on me. And he's afraid that if something should happen to my tits I would need breast implants and a good insurance policy would pay for that"
"Please cover yourself m'am."
"Why? Just because your dick is hard? No way. I want an appraisal."
"Well it's becoming really, really uncomfortable for me."
"Then take your damn dick out of your pants and give it some air."
"I can't do that!"
"Well I can! Men!"
"M'am... please... I... oh my God! Don't!"
"Just one little tug on your zipper and... there. Now to reach into your shorts... and there we are. See it? Sir... look... it's out. Your dick is out and it should feel much better now. Does your dick feel better? Here let me blow on it and cool it off... Better?"
"Yessss m'am... better."
"Good. Now can we please continue with the appraisal."
"Ohhhh yes m'am... let's please continue with the appraisal."
"By the way sir... you have a very beautiful dick."
"Yes m'am... thank you m'am..."
"I loved pulling your dick out of your pants."
"Yes. That was... nice of you."
"I liked blowing on your dick too. Did you like it when I blew on your dick?"
"Yes. I... am still thinking about it. Your very smooth."
"Thank you. Now then, I would think that, being an appraiser, you'd know more about appraising a woman's tits than I do but I'm not so sure anymore. The first thing I believe you should do is touch them."
"Touch them. Of course. Yes... I should touch them."
You know, fondle them, lift them, squeeze them together. Do you think that would be a good way?"
"... Ohhhh yes m'am... that would be a very good way. Do you mean touch them like this?..."
"Oh yesssss... just like this. That's... that's good. Now... twirl your finger tips around my nipples like you're pinching them and... yes... that's right... ohhhh that is so right. Yes, just do what you'd do to appraise an antique pillow or anything that's soft and smooth and... ohhh yes... bounce them like that some more."
"That feel pretty good m'am?"
"Oh my goodness yes... oh my goodness... So... so how much do you... do you think I can have them... ohhhh... insured for?"
"They are very big tits and they... they are very heavy and... and oh, how they jiggle when I bounce them up and down like this and... ohhhhh Natalie."
"Well... how much?"
A lot. A real... lot. Your tits are... incredible... just incredible."
"But... how much... how much do you think?"
"I can't tell yet... maybe... twenty five thousand dollars... maybe... fifty thousand dollars?"
"Perhaps you should bounce them some more... and you'd, well, get a better idea... you think? You... you... bounce them so well sir."
"Yes m'am... and I'm thinking, too, that if... if I put one of your nipples between my lips and slowly sucked it into my mouth... that could be a very important determining factor in this... this appraisal. Can I do that?"
"Oh yes, yes please do. Yes. That would be very... ohhhhhhh yes... that... is so good. So very, very, very good."
"And the other nipple..."
"Ohhhhhh... sir... I can feel your teeth. You are giving me such a good... appraisal. How much now? How much do you think now?"
"Seventy five thousand... maybe... maybe a hundred?"
"But sir... what... what if you squeezed my tits together and sucked both of my nipples at the same time would that... ohhh, Christ is that good."
"Ohhhhh yes. Your nipples are so stiff. And the way they stick out, they're so easy to suck and nibble and so tasty."
"How much now... how much now... sir?"
"Two hundred... at least."
"Two hundred thousand... Sir?"
.... There is more of this story ...