WARNING: This story is an act of fiction that contains graphic sexual descriptions and language. If you are a minor (under 21) or if you are offended by this kind of material then you should stop reading now. Any resemblance between this story and a real event is purely coincidental. The participants are imaginary; their actions have no negative consequences other than those portrayed in the story. The story is intended for entertainment only and should not be emulated in the real world.
SURELICK HOMES said, sounding quite excitedly for him, "Whatsin, you look absolutely ravishing!"
Whatsin, looking at himself in the full-length mirror, had to agree. Homes had outdone himself in the female disguise arena. It was impossible for Whatsin to believe that the lovely creature staring back at him was, indeed, himself, and not a real woman.
If Whatsin hadn't known better, his crotch area would be quivering by now. As it was, he did feel a minor twinge in his scrotum. Twinge! He stared at the imaginary creature in the glass, carefully studying each womanly facet in turn.
The shoulder length blond hair! A wig, but perfectly coifed, with a charming spit curl hanging down sensually over his left eye, the mirror's right. The lips! Ruby red and luscious, the bottom lip resembling a small, protruding pillow. Twinge! The eyes! Deep-set, and very beguiling as they sat surrounded by long, sexy lashes and perfectly tweezed arched brows. Twinge! The bosoms, the ample bosoms! Twinge! Twinge! Twinge! Whatsin pulled his eyes from the vision and turned to the great detective, whom Whatsin saw looked quite pleased.
"I say, Homes, she would give a bloody erection to the stone statue of Eros!" He tugged at his floor-length frock, pulling it around more to the front.
Homes nodded, his eyes darting back and forth from Whatsin in the flesh to Whatsin in the mirror. "Quite so, old man. Although you flatter me, I must most humbly agree with your assessment. But let us hope she has the allure to draw the evil Dr. Phallus into our web. Eh?" Whatsin nodded in agreement.
They heard a gentle knock on the door. "Ah," Homes said. "That would be Mrs. Handson with your tutor."
"Say what?" Homes didn't answer. Instead, he went to the door and opened it. Mrs. Handson stepped in, with a young woman in tow, and said, blustering, "Here she is, Mr. Homes, and I'll tell you, sir, it wasn't easy finding a willing lady of the evening at this late hour!" The young woman blanched, and looked slighted by the remark as to her choice of employment.
Homes looked at the woman and said, "What is your name, my dear?"
"Maizie, guv'nor." She said, a Cockney accent in evidence. "Where's me quid the old woman promised me."
Mrs. Handson glared at the woman and said, quite huffily, "Old woman, indeed, you underfed gutter trollop... "
Homes interjected, speaking sweetly, "Now, now, Mrs. Handson, I'm sure Maizie meant it in the nicest way, didn't you, dear?" Maizie nodded, not looking at Mrs. Handson. Homes added, "That will be all, Mrs. Handson." Mrs. Handson took her leave of them, muttering to herself on the way out.
Maizie looked at Whatsin. There was something not quite right with what she was seeing, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Her thick Cockney accent came out again.
" 'Ere now, guv'nor, the old woman never mentioned another woman to me. I don't do no queer stuff, I don't. She crossed her arms defiantly in front of her chest, and glared at the two men. "Unless I get me a little extra... say another guinea?" She looked at Homes, a hopeful expression on her face.
Homes laughed. "That won't be necessary, dear Maizie. All I require of you is your teaching my... woman friend here... how to walk the way... a woman does." Maizie's eyes widened as Homes continued. "I would do it myself, but I know when to call in an expert."
"Show 'er 'ow to walk? Why, guv? What's wrong wit 'er? She looks right 'nough
to me." She smiled at Whatsin as if to signal a female bond of sorts had just been formed.
Homes chuckled, and said, "Walk for her, Whatsin!" Whatsin looked at Homes, coughed once, shrugged his shoulders, and clomped across the room. He turned smartly, military smartly, and started back to his original place. His size eleven shoes made loud noises on the wooden floor.
Maizie gasped. "She walks like a bleedin' duck! A lame duck at that." Whatsin showed his umbrage by saying, "Harumph! I'll have you know, miss, my gait was good enough for Her Majesty's service in the Crimea, and at... "
Homes cut him off. "Hush, Whatsin! She has a valid point." He turned to Maizie. "Well, my dear, do you think you can teach this duck how to walk... ladylike? There's an extra guinea in it for you if you succeed."
Her face brightened. "Succeed? For an extra quid, I'll show ducky 'ere 'ow to do handsprings and leg splits!" Homes chuckled, picturing Whatsin attempting to try either.
Whatsin grimaced. "Ducky, indeed. My word! Harumph!"
Maizie said, as if hearing Whatsin's voice for the first time, "But I ain't no voice coach, guv'nor. If you want 'er voice to sound less like a frog's, you better gets someone else."
"Whatsin had had it. "First she calls me a duck, then a frog. I say Homes, you better stop her before she makes an ass out of me."
"Hee hee," Maizie giggled. "She's a regular menagerie, she is!"
Homes looked at Whatsin. "That's she is, Maizie, that she is! Now, the evening latens, so let us get started."
AN HOUR LATER and Whatsin was sashaying all over the room as well as any street walking prostitute could ever hope to imitate. His bustle wiggled seductively as he pranced across the room with tentative, mincing steps. "I say, Homes, I feel quite foolish doing this nonsense. Giddy even. Is it at all really necessary?"
"Quite, old thing, if we are to fool the evil doctor. For, you see, you will be stationed outside the King's Arms Lager House to begin with and, every half-hour, you will walk over to the Lion's Tooth Pub. Then back again. I coined the word decoy to describe this deceptive action. So, old thing, you can see how important your walk becomes." Whatsin nodded. As usual, Homes was way ahead of him.
"Maizie," Homes said, turning to her. "I think we have gone as far as we can with the walk, my dear, and I thank you for your effort. Now, what would you say to a little, uh, let us say, action that is more in keeping with your usual line of work?" He winked at her.
"For another quid?" She was all business, this Maizie creature.
"Two, if you put your heart into it, and please us greatly."
"Me heart? For two quid, guv'nor, you two can have me arse!" Homes smiled, and said, "I was hoping you would say that!"
MAIZIE did a little striptease for the great detective and his loyal companion, who was still in full drag. When she was down to her corset and knickers, Homes said, "Quite buxom, Whatsin, don't you think?" Her breasts were spilling out of the corset's top edge, as if trying their best to escape the tight confines.
Whatsin, his eyes glued on the tops of the titties, said, "I'll say, Homes, they remind me of the Queen Mum's bum!" Homes chuckled. They did have that flavor about them.
Maizie danced and twirled a bit, then removed the corset. She tossed it high into the air with an air of gleeful abandonment. She then went over to Homes' bed and sat on the edge, her black knickers the only garment concealing the rest of her womanly flesh.
Maizie licked her lips and said, "Well, you two, ain'tcha gonna get them clothes off and join me? Or are you just gonna stand there starin' like bleedin' arse holes?"
Homes got out of his clothing in less time than one could say, "Moriarty makes many mellow milkshakes." He went to her, knelt, put a hand on each side of her breasts, and buried his face in the mighty mammaries. And started kissing and licking them feverishly.
Maizie squealed, "Oooh, Mr. 'Omes, you've some hot lips on you, now!" She grabbed his head by the ears and pressed him to her, wiggling his face around in the bargain. Homes said, "Mmmmph!" Twice, and quickly.
Whatsin, on the other hand, was having a bit of trouble getting naked. He had shed the frock easily enough, and his shoes, but the damned corset had a hook and eye arrangement in the back, unlike Maizie's front-closing model, that was beyond his reach, save for the uppermost couplet. He was now spinning around and around, like a dog chasing its own tail, in a futile attempt to get at the lower most closures.
Maizie, laughing, watched him twirl for a minute or so, then said, " Bring it over 'ere, love, and let me do it for you. Before you turn yourself into bleedin' butter!" She giggled. Homes said, "Hmmmph!" Twice, and quickly.
Whatsin, glad for the offer of assistance as he was getting quite dizzy, went and stood directly behind Homes' naked back. Maizie ordered the good doctor to turn around and 'ave a seat. She giggled again and pointed to Homes' back. Whatsin turned, and sat down, placing his fat ass squarely onto Homes' upper shoulders. Homes, as absorbed in rapture as one can get, didn't even flinch at the sudden added weight.
Maizie removed her hands from Homes' head and, in a trice, had Whatsin free of the restraining garment. He stood, turned around, and peeled the corset off his body. As he did, two small, white pillows popped out--the falsies Homes' had Mrs. Handson construct--one going east, the other heading due west. Whatsin stood there now in just his white knickers, and Weatherly Brothers' argyle socks.
.... There is more of this story ...