WARNING: This story is an act of fiction that contains graphic sexual descriptions and language. If you are a minor (under 21) or if you are offended by this kind of material then you should stop reading now. Any resemblance between this story and a real event is purely coincidental. The participants are imaginary; their actions have no negative consequences other than those portrayed in the story. The story is intended for entertainment only and should not be emulated in the real world.
SURELICK HOMES said, sounding quite excitedly for him, "Whatsin, you look absolutely ravishing!"
Whatsin, looking at himself in the full-length mirror, had to agree. Homes had outdone himself in the female disguise arena. It was impossible for Whatsin to believe that the lovely creature staring back at him was, indeed, himself, and not a real woman.
If Whatsin hadn't known better, his crotch area would be quivering by now. As it was, he did feel a minor twinge in his scrotum. Twinge! He stared at the imaginary creature in the glass, carefully studying each womanly facet in turn.
The shoulder length blond hair! A wig, but perfectly coifed, with a charming spit curl hanging down sensually over his left eye, the mirror's right. The lips! Ruby red and luscious, the bottom lip resembling a small, protruding pillow. Twinge! The eyes! Deep-set, and very beguiling as they sat surrounded by long, sexy lashes and perfectly tweezed arched brows. Twinge! The bosoms, the ample bosoms! Twinge! Twinge! Twinge! Whatsin pulled his eyes from the vision and turned to the great detective, whom Whatsin saw looked quite pleased.
"I say, Homes, she would give a bloody erection to the stone statue of Eros!" He tugged at his floor-length frock, pulling it around more to the front.
Homes nodded, his eyes darting back and forth from Whatsin in the flesh to Whatsin in the mirror. "Quite so, old man. Although you flatter me, I must most humbly agree with your assessment. But let us hope she has the allure to draw the evil Dr. Phallus into our web. Eh?" Whatsin nodded in agreement.
They heard a gentle knock on the door. "Ah," Homes said. "That would be Mrs. Handson with your tutor."
"Say what?" Homes didn't answer. Instead, he went to the door and opened it. Mrs. Handson stepped in, with a young woman in tow, and said, blustering, "Here she is, Mr. Homes, and I'll tell you, sir, it wasn't easy finding a willing lady of the evening at this late hour!" The young woman blanched, and looked slighted by the remark as to her choice of employment.
Homes looked at the woman and said, "What is your name, my dear?"
"Maizie, guv'nor." She said, a Cockney accent in evidence. "Where's me quid the old woman promised me."
Mrs. Handson glared at the woman and said, quite huffily, "Old woman, indeed, you underfed gutter trollop... "
Homes interjected, speaking sweetly, "Now, now, Mrs. Handson, I'm sure Maizie meant it in the nicest way, didn't you, dear?" Maizie nodded, not looking at Mrs. Handson. Homes added, "That will be all, Mrs. Handson." Mrs. Handson took her leave of them, muttering to herself on the way out.
Maizie looked at Whatsin. There was something not quite right with what she was seeing, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Her thick Cockney accent came out again.
" 'Ere now, guv'nor, the old woman never mentioned another woman to me. I don't do no queer stuff, I don't. She crossed her arms defiantly in front of her chest, and glared at the two men. "Unless I get me a little extra... say another guinea?" She looked at Homes, a hopeful expression on her face.
Homes laughed. "That won't be necessary, dear Maizie. All I require of you is your teaching my... woman friend here... how to walk the way... a woman does." Maizie's eyes widened as Homes continued. "I would do it myself, but I know when to call in an expert."
"Show 'er 'ow to walk? Why, guv? What's wrong wit 'er? She looks right 'nough
to me." She smiled at Whatsin as if to signal a female bond of sorts had just been formed.
Homes chuckled, and said, "Walk for her, Whatsin!" Whatsin looked at Homes, coughed once, shrugged his shoulders, and clomped across the room. He turned smartly, military smartly, and started back to his original place. His size eleven shoes made loud noises on the wooden floor.
Maizie gasped. "She walks like a bleedin' duck! A lame duck at that." Whatsin showed his umbrage by saying, "Harumph! I'll have you know, miss, my gait was good enough for Her Majesty's service in the Crimea, and at... "
Homes cut him off. "Hush, Whatsin! She has a valid point." He turned to Maizie. "Well, my dear, do you think you can teach this duck how to walk... ladylike? There's an extra guinea in it for you if you succeed."
Her face brightened. "Succeed? For an extra quid, I'll show ducky 'ere 'ow to do handsprings and leg splits!" Homes chuckled, picturing Whatsin attempting to try either.
Whatsin grimaced. "Ducky, indeed. My word! Harumph!"
Maizie said, as if hearing Whatsin's voice for the first time, "But I ain't no voice coach, guv'nor. If you want 'er voice to sound less like a frog's, you better gets someone else."
"Whatsin had had it. "First she calls me a duck, then a frog. I say Homes, you better stop her before she makes an ass out of me."
"Hee hee," Maizie giggled. "She's a regular menagerie, she is!"
Homes looked at Whatsin. "That's she is, Maizie, that she is! Now, the evening latens, so let us get started."
AN HOUR LATER and Whatsin was sashaying all over the room as well as any street walking prostitute could ever hope to imitate. His bustle wiggled seductively as he pranced across the room with tentative, mincing steps. "I say, Homes, I feel quite foolish doing this nonsense. Giddy even. Is it at all really necessary?"
"Quite, old thing, if we are to fool the evil doctor. For, you see, you will be stationed outside the King's Arms Lager House to begin with and, every half-hour, you will walk over to the Lion's Tooth Pub. Then back again. I coined the word decoy to describe this deceptive action. So, old thing, you can see how important your walk becomes." Whatsin nodded. As usual, Homes was way ahead of him.
"Maizie," Homes said, turning to her. "I think we have gone as far as we can with the walk, my dear, and I thank you for your effort. Now, what would you say to a little, uh, let us say, action that is more in keeping with your usual line of work?" He winked at her.
"For another quid?" She was all business, this Maizie creature.
"Two, if you put your heart into it, and please us greatly."
"Me heart? For two quid, guv'nor, you two can have me arse!" Homes smiled, and said, "I was hoping you would say that!"
MAIZIE did a little striptease for the great detective and his loyal companion, who was still in full drag. When she was down to her corset and knickers, Homes said, "Quite buxom, Whatsin, don't you think?" Her breasts were spilling out of the corset's top edge, as if trying their best to escape the tight confines.
Whatsin, his eyes glued on the tops of the titties, said, "I'll say, Homes, they remind me of the Queen Mum's bum!" Homes chuckled. They did have that flavor about them.
Maizie danced and twirled a bit, then removed the corset. She tossed it high into the air with an air of gleeful abandonment. She then went over to Homes' bed and sat on the edge, her black knickers the only garment concealing the rest of her womanly flesh.
Maizie licked her lips and said, "Well, you two, ain'tcha gonna get them clothes off and join me? Or are you just gonna stand there starin' like bleedin' arse holes?"
Homes got out of his clothing in less time than one could say, "Moriarty makes many mellow milkshakes." He went to her, knelt, put a hand on each side of her breasts, and buried his face in the mighty mammaries. And started kissing and licking them feverishly.
Maizie squealed, "Oooh, Mr. 'Omes, you've some hot lips on you, now!" She grabbed his head by the ears and pressed him to her, wiggling his face around in the bargain. Homes said, "Mmmmph!" Twice, and quickly.
Whatsin, on the other hand, was having a bit of trouble getting naked. He had shed the frock easily enough, and his shoes, but the damned corset had a hook and eye arrangement in the back, unlike Maizie's front-closing model, that was beyond his reach, save for the uppermost couplet. He was now spinning around and around, like a dog chasing its own tail, in a futile attempt to get at the lower most closures.
Maizie, laughing, watched him twirl for a minute or so, then said, " Bring it over 'ere, love, and let me do it for you. Before you turn yourself into bleedin' butter!" She giggled. Homes said, "Hmmmph!" Twice, and quickly.
Whatsin, glad for the offer of assistance as he was getting quite dizzy, went and stood directly behind Homes' naked back. Maizie ordered the good doctor to turn around and 'ave a seat. She giggled again and pointed to Homes' back. Whatsin turned, and sat down, placing his fat ass squarely onto Homes' upper shoulders. Homes, as absorbed in rapture as one can get, didn't even flinch at the sudden added weight.
Maizie removed her hands from Homes' head and, in a trice, had Whatsin free of the restraining garment. He stood, turned around, and peeled the corset off his body. As he did, two small, white pillows popped out--the falsies Homes' had Mrs. Handson construct--one going east, the other heading due west. Whatsin stood there now in just his white knickers, and Weatherly Brothers' argyle socks.
Maizie gasped. "Ow, dearie, they looked like two bleedin' white rats leavin' a sinkin' ship!" Then she gasped once more, and said, "Ow, dearie, I can now see why you needed them! You're as blinkin' flat as a bleedin' cribbage board, you are, you poor thing." Homes said, "Hmmph! Just once this time, but with greater feeling.
Whatsin looked down at his manly nipples, then at his white knickers. "Maizie, my dear, before you come a shocker that might set you off, there's something you should know about me... "
"What's that, love?" She had her hands firmly on Homes' head again, and was moving him around as one might move a stiff steering wheel.
"Whatsin hesitated, then spoke softly, "You see, dear, I'm not... "
"Speak up now, love, I can't 'ear you when you mumble so."
"Well, you see, I'm not... " He hesitated again, seemingly afraid to say it to her.
Homes looked up, and bellowed, "Oh for Christopher's sake, Maizie, he's trying to tell you... he's a man!"
"A what?" She looked suddenly scared, as if she had just been told that Whatsin was the devil in female disguise. Then she added, feebly, "A man?" She still couldn't fathom the strange thought.
Homes said, rather dryly, and much too patiently, "Yes, Maizie, a man. I disguised Dr. Whatsin here," he pointed a thumb back at Whatsin, "as a woman, so I could use him as bait," Whatsin blanched at the remark, "as a lure, a decoy if you will, to try and catch a most nefarious criminal, one Dr. Phallus, who has kidnapped many a young woman for all sorts of vile and evil sexual purposes." He left it at that, as if further explanation was superfluous.
"Oh," she said. "I've 'eard of 'im! Who 'asn't? But I must say, Mr. 'Omes, your bait 'ere really fooled me," Whatsin blanched again, "so I can tell you, guv'nor, it will surely fool Phallus, 'im being a man and all." She grabbed Homes' head and pressed it to her large chest. As Whatsin removed his knickers, Homes was heard to say, "Hmmmph!" More than once...
HOMES stood up and offered his small, but very hard penis to her face. Without protest or hesitation, she placed her mouth on the head, and proceeded bobbing up on down. She had no problem whatsoever deep throating the short 4-1/2" stalk, and was quickly executing the action over and over.
After less than a minute of her ministrations, Homes moaned, and said, "You had better slow down, my dear, before I ejaculate too... oooh, oooh!" It was said too late. He was about to cum, and there was nothing the great detective could do about it. He tried conjuring up the two images that usually helped him retain penile control: Whatsin's ear hairs, and the Queen Mum taking a bath. Both failed.
Homes was unloading. He yelled out, "Here I cum, for the Queen Mum!" The two men watched as Maizie's cheeks puffed out, and she gurgled, sounding as if she was being drowned.
Then they hard her moan, sounding appreciative it seemed, as if she was being fed mother's milk instead of male sperm. "Mmm, mmm!" Her cheeks now resembled a bellows by repeatedly puffing out, then collapsing in. "Mmm, mmm!" she said over and over as Homes deluged himself into her.
Whatsin said, "I say, old man, she handles it all rather well, don't you think?"
"I agree, Whatsin, she's quite adept in the fellatus arts. She must get lots of practice in her trade of choice." Maizie continued to suck him, cleaning him up quite adroitly.
Whatsin nodded, played with himself a bit, and said, "You should hire the lass, Homes. She could assist you greatly on that monograph of yours concerning the proper way to suck a penis." He now stroked his dick more noticeably. He could hardly wait to be next.
While she listened to all this, Maizie sucked away, as if she enjoyed this part of her work and took great pride in doing an expert job.
"Wonderful idea, doctor, I could... " Maizie piped up, cutting him short.
" 'Ere now, you two! Stop goin' on about me as if I wasn't 'ere! You," she pointed to Whatsin, "get yer bloomin' arse over 'ere if you want me to bleedin' suck you off. And be quick about it, you flamin' fruit!"
Whatsin, looking chastised, meekly obeyed. As he placed his 7" erection into her hot mouth, he said, "Harumph! Flaming fruit, indeed!" The way he had said it hinted that he'd show her he was no flamin' fruit. Indeed.
He grabbed her head firmly, and proceeded to mouth fuck her with great gusto. On his second inward stroke, his cock head found the back of her throat.
Showing her no apparent mercy, he plunged beyond, expecting to at least force her to groan, if not gag. She surprised him by swallowing every inch without evincing even the slightest trace of general discomfort. To the contrary, she was moaning frequently, and with obvious relish. Whatsin said, "Good lord, Homes, her hot tongue is swirling all over the place!" Homes said, "I know. She did the same to me. Feels wonderful, doesn't it?" Whatsin nodded.
Increasing the force of his strokes, Whatsin yelled, turning to Homes, "My God, Homes, she's a veritable bloomin' sword swallower!" He then proceeded to deep throat mouth fuck her for all he was worth. In, out, in and out. His cock would pull out to where just the head was in her, and then he'd plunge it all the way to where his hairy pubic hilt was slamming into her oval-shaped red lips.
Homes said, excitedly, "By Jove, Whatsin, she can really suck it down now, can't she? I've never witnessed anything quite like it. And, as you well know, old man, I've had the best London has to offer."
Whatsin had hardly heard him, as he was about to spurt. He pulled his penis out of her mouth and bellowed, "Stick your tongue out!" She complied.
The two men watched as Whatsin's first sperm blast shot out of him with such force it easily traversed the small distance and found the back of her throat. It had hit that punching bag shaped pendulum of the palate and caused her to gag, her tongue protruding even farther from her mouth, her head bobbing.
His second forceful burst, seeming to have better manners than the first, landed squarely on the center of her now elongated tongue, and bounced slightly before settling itself into a round, pearl-colored shape. Her tongue darted into her mouth and she swallowed, closing her mouth in the doing.
His third blast, having no mouth to crawl into, hit smartly on her bottom lip. It clung there a second, dripped down somewhat, hanging delicately, and resembled an icicle on an eave. Whatsin chuckled, and said, "Flamin' fruit, indeed!" He'd shown her as far as he was concerned.