Chapter 13

The Evening of Monday - Robert and Sarah - [Sarah]

When I woke, it was dark outside, but the light was on beside the bed. Robert had put the package on the table with some water. I wasn't sleepy anymore, but felt quite content, calm. No more raging emotions. Could I face Elizabeth's letter? Yes. I opened the envelope. There was a short letter and a framed photograph - no - a small painting of - Robert. A young Robert. Who had painted that? He was nude, half turned away, his beard trimmed quite short, showing the line of his jaw. Greece? The background was sunlight shining through some kind of arcade. Deliberately classical. An athlete. Those muscles - God! Did he still look like that? Probably. I felt quite weak with another surge of lust. The frame was exquisite too. I looked closely. Gold and tortoiseshell. Probably quite old. Poor tortoise. I looked at the letter.

My dear Sarah,

I expect by now you know how hard a road I have set your feet on. The picture is a favourite and shows you what there might be at the end of that road. I hope it pleases you as much as it has me! It's an amazing picture isn't it? Benjamin or Tony will tell you about it. Tony always said he would do murder for it, but you have best claim. It always slept by my bed - where Robert couldn't see it. If my hopes fail and you can't bear to see it then give it to Tony.

I'd never have done what I have if I hadn't believed that it will work for you both. I'd have managed things better, perhaps, but time was short and Catherine and Helen (my first and third witches) were both away. None of the others would condone my emotional tinkering, but those two trust me to do the right thing.

Robert will not openly fall in love easily. I have watched him brace himself against temptation, till it is second nature. An old woman married to a younger man, especially one as attractive as Robert is prey to doubts and Robert loved me enough to make sure I never had any. Perhaps I am glad to die now while I could still keep his love and stop his eye from wandering. But I had hoped for more time.

I think he already loves you but he hasn't yet admitted it. He is perfectly capable of deceiving himself about that for a long time. So you will have to court him - make him realise how much you mean to him and I cannot tell you how long that will take. My crystal ball is cloudy.

You've got the tools - don't even think of not taking the money! You have access to Robert. Whatever you do, don't let him stop teaching you. You can always blackmail him by threatening to leave the University. He has too much respect for your scholarship to give up that part of you. It is perhaps, your major asset. Robert is very proud of your work - impressed - he thinks you have a massive talent and a future. So work hard to keep that in front of him. While you have his attention you have hope. You've got youth, brains and looks. Oh yes you have. Tony once said of you that 'she's not beautiful, but it's a face you don't forget - I keep wanting to see her again to make sure I've remembered her right'. And Tony has wonderful judgement. He also said of you that your soul shines through your face - when you're miserable, you look like death, but when you're happy, you glow. So you need to be happy. I think that you will feel lonely - so lonely that it will be your 'black pit'. You'll be cut off from your friends in college - emotionally you will be in water so deep that they can't help you. You should be having your fun and tears with affairs that don't mean much but I'm pushing you into a permanent relationship with a man old enough to be your father, You'll have to bear that until help arrives. It will, I think. My family will work out what I've done. I hope they will trust me. They will want to see Robert safely back in love again. I'm afraid they will appear like the Mafia - plotting to run your love life. But they will be allies when you need them most. My guess is that Polly will help you. You must trust her.

In writing this, I see how many things I've left undone. I hope that I'm not just a meddling old fool.

This letter is short I know, but I feel time is running out. We have said so much to each other over the past months that I feel these few inadequate words will have to do. I did mean to see you one last time but my courage failed. I think you know why.

I feel this isn't goodbye, because I'll live on with you and your love.

Forgive me - I can't write anymore.

Elizabeth

I got out of bed and found the bathroom, peed and washed my face. Well, I certainly looked like death and I was still unhappy. But I had new courage now. I tided the bed - haven of comfort - and repacked the parcel. The sitting room was dark downstairs. I prowled through the quiet house until I found Robert in a study at the back. He was working at a table in a pool of light from a table lamp. He was in tee-shirt and jeans. He probably, certainly, looked like the painting. I'd never seen him dressed like this before. I experienced instant desire again. I'd gone for eight years since puberty worrying that I was under-sexed and now a man thirty years older than me could turn my innards to liquid just by wearing a tee-shirt. I looked at the clock - nine nearly. Time seemed to have gone jelly-like in sympathy with my innards.

"Welcome back," he said, getting up. "I'm sorry I knocked you out. Would you like something to eat?"

My stomach growled and he laughed. He took my hand and led me through the hall into a little dining room. It was warm and cosy, wall lights on and the table was set for two - very romantic. He sat me down and came back with small plates of smoked salmon, bread and butter. I wolfed mine and was scraping the plate, looking for more, when Robert said 'Don't panic. There seems to be plenty more. Go and forage while I catch up.' The kitchen at the end of the hall had a heater with soup keeping warm. I found bread rolls and took it all through.

I confined myself to two bowls of soup and two rolls. Robert was half a lap behind already. I paused for breath.

"That was very good. Just what I needed." I telegraphed a question.

"You looked like you needed something. We - I have an arrangement with Martha Riches. She provides food when we - I need it. In fact she's looked after us - me for quite a while. Neither of us was domestic, so it suited us. And she'll always help out if I ring and say I've got a starving waif to feed. There's some wine too. Would you like a glass?"

Why not - I wasn't drinking on an empty stomach this time. Robert got up and collected chicken salad and pudding so we wouldn't have to get up again. We were quiet for a while, content. Then Robert started telling me about the seminar he was co-chairing in July. It was to be in France and he was worried about his total ignorance of both country and language.

"It seemed a good idea when I agreed to it - an excellent way of bringing two contrasting research backgrounds together. A good alternative to summer schools and a chance to see how another department works. And enough of a holiday feel to attract the students. But the organisation is going to be difficult. I was relying on Elizabeth to help me out." He sighed. "And now she's not here." He was silent, pensive.

I kept right on eating. This was just what my stomach needed. I was well into my second glass of wine. This was all so different from the angry Robert of a few hours ago. I felt quite brave.

"Look," I said, "I'll do you a deal. If you're not going to eat that pudding, give it to me. And in return, I'll help you with the seminar administration. My French is probably as good as Elizabeth's. I used to have a French pen friend. I spent three summer holidays with her, not far from Nantes. It would be nice to see her again."

Elizabeth's ghost clearly approved.

Robert pushed the pudding across to me. "I'll tell Martha how much you were prepared to offer for a second helping. I hoped you might offer. Thank you. Accepted. And you get a free trip to France." He laughed. "Not that you need it. I forget that you're a wealthy woman."

I stopped eating. "Look Robert, I can't... absolutely can't take that money. It's obscene!"

He didn't protest. "I know how you feel. A bit anyway. I've had long enough to get used to it but it was very hard on my pride to take Elizabeth's money at first. What will I do with my share anyway?" He grinned at me. "At least I've less to worry about now. You can't actually refuse it - it's yours willy-nilly. You can give it away, but that's not easy. To do it responsibly. Don't worry for now. You won't have to actually worry for months. Probate will take a while. The solicitor suggested an advance." He got up and went to the sideboard, coming back with an envelope for me. I opened it. There was a cheque for £2, 000 inside. I could cope with that. I looked again.

"But this is your cheque?"

"Only to tide you over, You can pay me back when her solicitor gets hold of some of her money. Even that'll take weeks. Please take it. It's real money - I just got my royalties for the last year."

I had bought one of Robert's books so I could swallow my pride. This would be my fighting fund.

He got up. "Come on - if you've finished." He peered ostentatiously at the table. "There's a crumb you missed. Coffee or tea?"

We went into the sitting room. Robert was suddenly flustered.

"Where do you want to sit?"

Well, that's easy.

"Next to you." He looked at me, raised his eyebrows and then smiled. For a heart beat I though he was going to say something amazing - that he loved me. But he checked himself and waved at the settee. Tea things were in the hearth. He brought them to the table, went back and poked the fire into a blaze, then came to sit beside me. There were chocolates and biscuits on the table. Martha had done us well. I started nibbling.

"Do you mind talking. I mean talking about us? How to sort ourselves out?"

As far as I'm concerned, that's the only business in town. My tutorial could wait.

I shook my head.

He went on, careful to avoid looking at me. "Do you mind if I'm - well - analytical. I'm worried that we may not understand each other. And I don't want to hurt you."