I write this account in the hope that after reading the final chapter someone may be able to offer me some advice as to where I go to from here. I am confused and more than a little afraid of just what direction I am going in next.

I dare not approach my lady doctor, close friends, colleagues or anyone else for that matter on something that is almost taking me over and now getting rapidly worse. The thoughts in my head are far too personal to tell anyone that I actually know.

(I'm sure they would simply brand me as a total pervert or advise me to sign into mental hospital.)

If for instance, I had dabbled in Lesbian sex, (I did briefly, a long time ago), then I know a dozen people I could tentatively approach for advice if it was constantly worrying me like this, probably even my own Mum, I'm a closest daughter of three.

No, my current problem is definitely for writing down only, I couldn't possibly discuss this face to face with anyone at all, I would simply die.

I suppose I should stop beating about the bush and just get on with it. I will then, (deep breath.)

Last year, I had sex with Ben, while my boyfriend, Mike, watched. I was down on my hands and knees and Mike was behind us, masturbating himself as he watched Ben's penis thrust into me at close quarters. Ben fucked me very hard and fast and when I felt him ejaculating inside me I pushed back and (surprisingly for me) shuddered into a rare climax. The earth did move for me. I think I rate it as the best, and certainly the most exciting sex I have ever had, before or since.

That one incident totally screwed up our relationship (and my head). I'm now worried because although a year had passed without Ben he is now back here again and it keeps flooding back about that one night. I'm constantly thinking about how really fantastic the sex was with him and I now invariably replay it all in my mind if I masturbate. My own relationship with Mike is really all but over and I am constantly haunted with the wild fantasy of all out sex with Ben again, but this time just on our own.

Kinky but not that unusual, I can hear you thinking. Thousands of couples have slid into similar swapping or threesome situations.

I don't think so, Ben fucked me from behind, 'doggy fashion' but not because he's kinky, it's the only way he knows. I'm ashamed to admit why! Ben isn't a man, he really is a dog, he's my sisters Golden Labrador!

Short break here, to settle down and take in myself what I've just admitted in print.

(It honestly took me weeks after I did it to even accept it all myself. I tried to turn it into a bad dream.) I know some men are turned on by bestiality but every woman I have even mentioned it to has seemed universally disgusted by even the thought. Until I saw the internet I didn't really believe another woman but me had ever willingly done it, (except for highly paid porn film girls etc.) I have often skilfully managed to bring it up into a conversation by pretending I'm discussing some legal case we have defended or else declined. The 100% guaranteed female answer is,

"My God, how could they do it?" or, "I suppose they must be on drugs or something to do that with a dog, whatever the money'"

(Hardly an answer to make me feel any better, is it? I had actually admitted to myself I had enjoyed it!

It honestly did disgust me too what happened that night, I see someone walking a dog in the park, especially a Golden Labrador like Ben and I stare in disbelief, like it really was all in a bad dream like I pretended to myself to blot it out.

Then the enormity of what I did starts to sink through. My God, to have to admit to myself that I really did enjoy a dog physically fucking me and even climaxed too when I felt him and coming in me!

I blamed Mike or the dog, not myself in my head for months but there is no excuse, the truth is no one forced me to turn over onto my knees for him to mount me. I then helped him to get into my vagina when he was stabbing away and getting it nowhere near me. It was my own excitement, not Mike's that pushed myself back onto him like a bitch on heat when he did finally get his penis in me. Again me who climaxed feeling it swell inside me, it wasn't Mike, he started it all off but then just laid there and watched me doing it, literally shaking with excitement himself and masturbating, which made me even less inhibited, 'I was playing to the gallery' at first I suppose, then the sex got to me and I started to love it.

Sometimes I think about it and I shudder in pain and just want to scream to blot it all out.

I can't believe what a debauched bitch I've been. I feel I want to just crawl under a stone.

Fucked by an animal, a dog... Oh my God no, I didn't mean to do it, to go that far!

Maybe Mike was right, perhaps I really am a "filthily, perverted, dog fucked slut"... However!

(this is the crazy part I honestly can't understand and which really screws my head up)

At other times I stare at a dog's owner and shudder with excitement at the thought of my sheer "dirtiness". It really turns me on, that I've gone down onto my knees for a dog... and happily let it fuck me as it's responsive and willing 'bitch'...

I wonder if they'd even believe me if I blurted it right out that I had once let a dog just like theirs actually get its cock deep inside me, worse I'd had shuddered and come and nearly raped it back as I'd felt his hot come flooding into my pussy?

I still get wet between the legs thinking about it, I almost came once by just glancing at a man with a Doberman at a bus stop. He continuously eyed up my legs in my short skirt and it was obvious that he fancied me.

I wondered what he would say if he knew that what I had just been thinking was far, far dirtier than what he was thinking, (Yes, I was looking at a cock, and imagining what it would feel like thrusting frantically up into me was but I certainly wasn't looking at his floppy crotch.) It's the shocking depravity of it that generates this morbid excitement in me. In my daydream fantasy I say,

"I noticed you are trying to look up my short skirt, would you like me hitch it up higher and watch your dog licking at my cunt, I miss it now, its six months since I let a sexy dog like him fuck me."

Obviously I never say anything like that. I just blush at my own filthy depraved thoughts and look away quickly, but I'm very "wet"... I imagine the dog knows by instinct and can tell I've been fucked by a dog before and he now wants me himself too, because of my turned on, "bitch on heat" smell. Silly but that turns me on, a lot.

That's the twist! Everything is "all or nothing" with me! even down to the guilt.

There are no "in betweens". I honestly never get mildly excited or even slightly repulsed. I'm either rampant for it and fantasying about dogs screwing me or mortified and want to hide away and join a convent, almost suicidal over it all.

Its black or white, no greys. I either think I want to kill myself for what I've done, or shudder with excitement and want to go out, buy a Great Dane and screw it to death.

My feeling about the dog sex incident are Hot or cold, never, ever just warm. Very odd...

1 - First the facts...

Ben belongs to my married older sister and I've looked after him once a year for about six years while they go on holiday. Nothing even remotely sexy had ever occurred with him prior to that Summer.

I may have stared at it his red penis when it showed out, but more in curiosity as it just looked so different but I never once dreamed of touching it, the very thought of it would have mortified me then.

He once tried to jump up on me while playing and his penis rubbed up against me. He was just playing, not getting "sexy" at all.

(I never knew dogs would want do with a human female.)

The last thing it did was turn me on either, I was disgusted that his wet penis had touched my bare leg. I was horrified and went off for a hot shower.

In all the times before I'd looked after him for Sue nothing even remotely sexy had ever happened before.

2 - How it all started off.

Everything all happened on just one hot July night. Ben was actually due to go back home to Sue's the next day. At the time Michael was home from Saudi for a months leave and as usual we were spending it mostly in bed. We are both highly sexed, liberated and we did often fantasise verbally together in bed, about anything that we thought of, imagination or real. (Mostly made up threesomes, both sexes, and scenes of me "stretching" my pussy with big bottles, candles etc.) (This sounds awfully like mitigation but I'm simply explaining how 'easily' the bestiality happened.)

Mike and I were then a "couple" but he spent about nine months a year abroad, Xmas with his aged Mum but the rest at my flat. Long separations and phone fantasies were all a part of our sex life.

He was 35 and I was 39. He often liked to hear me verbalise my account of my only, (brief) lesbian affair over and over, he even wanted me to experiment with another one but I can't afford to be gossiped about afterwards. (I didn't mind relating it for him however, it was nice exciting him.) This is why I often used to dress up sexily for him and then masturbate with bottles, sex toys, candles etc. anything he suggested in fact. I liked "teasing" him.

That's really how the whole dog thing all came about, me teasing Mike to get him sexy again.

Ben was staying with me for two weeks in July as he had done for years while my sister Sue went on holiday.

We had been out drinking earlier. When we got back Ben was allowed a quick run outside and then locked in the kitchen. We had sex in the living room of the flat. Mike can be, shall we say, a little 'quick'. This is one of the reasons I rarely (if ever) come during actual straight sex with him.

He climaxed in a few minutes as usual, taking the chequered flag just as I was leaving the pits and it left me more than a little "deflated", fuelled up, foot to the floor but race over. He had taken off all my clothes but I didn't put on anything on again, I just slipped through for my dressing gown and sat in that, coming back down slowly and sipping a glass of red wine thoughtfully, hoping that Mike might yet get his second wind and come back again for a repeat performance. I certainly got that! Far more than I bargained for.

I was very tipsy and was laid back when Michael opened the kitchen door and Ben wandered back in. He came over to me curiously and snuffled up into my open gown sniffing at my naked vagina and then giving it a curious lick.

I hurriedly closed my legs pushing his nose away but Michael grabbed my hand, and laughed,

"Spoilsport, he can smell that you're still randy and wanting more, let him have a little lick at you, you can't get enough when I do it and his tongue is much longer than mine"

(I do like oral but Mike doesn't do it often, or if he does he never does it for very long.) I could sense his sudden revived interest and the renewed sexual excitement rubbed off on me too. 'Mmm, ' I thought, 'round two coming up perhaps'?

I knew he and his mates had watched all kinds of blue videos in Saudi because he had told me about them, lesbian ones, some bestiality ones with dogs, and even small ponies copulating with women so being tipsy I relaxed, just laid back and parted my knees for Ben's nose thinking;

"What the hell, I'll give Mike a 'treat' watching Ben lick me, if he'll do it ", (Just like a vibrator 'show' etc. that Mike loved watching me do for him.)

"I'll pretend I'm loving it. he might get all sexy then and want to fuck me again himself."

When I slumped back Ben smelled at me then started gently licking at my vagina, it felt weird, far different to a man doing it but he soon became less gentle and started pushing hard at me with his nose. I was 'pretending' at first by moaning as if I was loving it. As he got excited he became rougher, suddenly I nearly leapt out of the chair as he found my clitoris and nuzzled it really hard, after that the acting stopped, I was loving it.

I just couldn't help myself as I started panting and then I involuntarily moved my hand down to my clit to 'help' and opened my legs wider for him for get at all of me, and get at all of me he certainly did.

To say I was aroused is an understatement, after he'd licked me for five minutes I was simply "gaga".

The fact that Michael was watching me responding and physically shaking now with excitement himself made me even worse. His head was down close watching how Ben was licking me.

He kept asking stupid questions like, "Is it nice" when I was panting so hard I couldn't even answer him.

I think I managed a few, "Ah, mm, yea, ah, mm... yes " moans in reply. (It was). Mike suddenly started trying to encourage me to turn face down over the couch with my knees on the floor.

(I may have been very naive here in not seeing the next chapter coming up but I was honestly more concerned that he was holding Ben back by the collar and the dog had stopped licking me than what Mike was trying to make me do next. I was on the verge of coming and I was loving it.)

3 - Going the whole Hog. (or rather, Dog)

"Don't stop him licking, let him to it again, please" I pleaded with Mike, but he held Ben fast by his collar, away from my pussy.

"Let him lick the whole of your cunt from the back," he whispered and I eagerly responded and as I went over onto my knees with my backside in the air Ben started to lick between my legs again. This time his long tongue was massaging and lapping into the whole of me, not only my vagina but my anus too, a first time for that being licked and it was making me feel incredibly sexy as his tongue bored into me.

It sent me into a sort of sexual coma at the sheer thought that here I was on my knees offering both intimate openings to a randy dog to slobber over, it made me even worse, I felt just like a 'bitch on heat'.

Suddenly Ben decided that's just what I was and with no warning at all jumped up onto my back. He started thrusting hard, trying to get his dick into me. (I can't remember this but Mike swears I then panted,

"Go on boy, that's it, push it up me, yes, fuck me, fuck me."

Exactly those words he says.

If I did then it was a Freudian slip. I meant I was aching for full sex after being excited so much and I wanted Mike's cock.

I obviously wanted to feel a hard penis back in me, but expected it would be Mike's not Ben's.

I honestly didn't know then that Ben could or would want to fuck me properly. What I really think I meant, even in my desperately acute sexual excitement was, " Yes, fuck me, Mike"

Next I just felt Ben's pointed cock stabbing at me like a hard wooden pencil, slipping up me just inside the swollen lips of my vagina and then back out again, that would obviously makes any woman aroused and then want to feel it up inside her properly.

I don't know or care what I was moaning for next at this point but I readily admit I wanted fucking. I had been on the edge of a climax for nearly five minutes, I just needed a hard cock, especially the one slipping tantalisingly in and out of me.

Ben was going far too wild as he felt the heat of my pussy on his penis but it kept slipping out again in his frenzied thrusting. I reached under and guided him back into me then opened my legs wider. The next time I felt him thrust inside me I held Ben's legs with my hands and pushed back hard. This time I gave a gasp as I felt him now slide right up inside me properly, all the way and deep up into my pussy.

It still felt like a hard wooden pencil but as he started fucking me really fast I felt his hard little balls slapping against my backside like stones. In seconds the little pencil had expanded more like a banana and was now filling me. It was nothing like a sex toy, I knew this was obviously a real hard male cock pulsing inside me now and wanted to feel every inch of it, I was away sexually now, moaning and panting and almost there.

Ben was no longer a dog, simply a very hard and swollen male fucking me and I pushed myself back and forth on his swollen cock, fucking him back just as hard as he was thrusting it up into me.

Mike was bitter afterwards that I enjoyed it so much, how can I possibly deny that? I lead up to climax very noisily and obviously did so then with the dog ramming furiously into me.

I have experienced the feel of several males inside my body, but Ben felt by far the hardest yet. I was shuddering as I tried to impale myself further onto that swollen cock.

Almost at the start I'd felt him ejaculating slightly, it felt hot, very hot and he didn't stop like a man would have done. He carried on thrusting into me really fast for about four or five minutes, I could feel his penis swelling thicker and he seemed to be ejaculating with every push he made. I could feel it splashing up inside me, thinner and much hotter than a man's come feels. I love the feeling of a man spurting hard when he finally does ejaculate at the end, it's so sexy but with the dog it was even more intense, I had felt his cock spurting his come since he'd first got it all the way into me! I was flooded with it and could feel it trickling hot down my legs. It felt so deliciously "filthy"...

He was now fucking me harder and much faster than any man has ever done, suddenly it felt like a huge fist was trying to stretch me apart and I winced in shock as Ben forced that lump into me too, then gave a low growl and slumped motionless across my back. I could now clearly feel his penis still twitching and ejaculating hard against my cervix. That's what made me climax and for several minutes I just shuddered, squirmed back on his hard penis and squeezed my pussy lips around what seemed like a cricket ball jammed just up inside me, stretching my labia apart out of all proportion to any human cock that I'd ever felt up inside me. We had experimented with a big candle with a 'rounded' base that I'd managed to get nearly all into me. It felt like that, more like a pony stretching me apart than a man or a dog. (Well, as I imagine that is! I don't really fancy trying a pony!)

I realized why I was so "full" when I did finally come down to earth again and tried to get out from under him. Ben was physically so swollen up inside me I couldn't pull away from him, he was totally wedged into me. Mike tried to pull him off me, but it hurt me and Ben was wincing too, he was stuck fast and it was hurting him when Mike tried to get him down off me.

"Leave him Mike, please, its hurting me", I gasped and lay with my head down to the floor with Ben collapsed across my back, his swollen cock locked tight inside behind my pelvic bone. I could feel him still spurting into me even after he had been motionless for a few minutes and I started to panic because I tried again and couldn't get my pussy free of him. Mike helped me and pulled him back again and his penis pulled really tightly, pulling me backwards too before dragging out of me with a loud wet plop followed by what really did feel just like me having a pee.

It was all Ben's come running down my inner thighs, much more than a man would come and far thinner. It was weird, we had once played a game where Mike fucked me with a half full Champagne bottle with the top off and tipped it inside me, this felt uncannily similar now the dog had pulled free, his come was literally running down out of me, just like I was peeing.

My pussy was full of it, my legs and backside were soaked with it all and so too was my dressing gown, the suite and carpet. I felt awful now I'd calmed down, disgusted by all Ben's wet sperm mess everywhere.

Mike dragged Ben back into the kitchen, with his enormously swollen penis hanging down still dripping his come under him and he brought me back a towel, watching as I sheepishly tried to clean myself up with it, trying to avoid his eyes, which had changed and suddenly gone much, much harder.

Mike's voice had changed now, he sounded cold as he kept on asking me silly questions like "Did I really come?", "Would I ever want to do it again?". "Did his cock feel so different?" It was blatantly obvious that he knew all the answers already. Yes, I had loved it, he knew well I had.