Sometimes things happen that can shatter the image you have of who you are. Given the proper motivation, the right incentive any man will give in. It may not be his fault but sometimes, thick, brown, smelly shit just happens.

About 2 months ago it happened to me. It ruined my life. My therapist thought it would help if I wrote it all down. Here is a list of things that John Pressman never thought he would do.

1. See a Therapist.

2. Talk about personal feelings.

3. Cry like a bitch

4. Seriously consider suicide

5. Seriously consider divorce

6. Well... I'm not ready to talk about #6 yet.

I guess I should start at the beginning. I met Susan when we were in college. We were just good friends for years. The first time I saw her I knew I was in trouble. She was so fucking beautiful it was distracting.

I mean it was almost unfair. I completely lost my composure. It was puzzling, how could anyone be that perfect. As we got to know each other I found I really liked her -- as a person. In fact I think I overcompensated, I convinced myself we were just friends, that as pretty as she was somehow I was not interested in that way. It was clearly a defense mechanism. I mean I'm a pretty good looking guy but she was taller, better looking and had an amazing personality. I did not think I had a chance with her so I took the Just Friends route. The thing is Just Friends became BEST Friends. Over the next 4 years we became inseparable. Between phone calls, e-mails, and spending most of our free time together it was incredible. I remember teasing her about her lousy taste in men. Similarly she seemed to absolutely loathe every girl I dated. I think by Sr. year we were starting to figure out why none of our relationships seemed to work out. Every woman I met was held up to Susan's standard and fell woefully short. Blonde hair yes, but out of a bottle. Nice tits, sure but not mouth wateringly perfect like my good pal Susan's. Sweet ass, yeah I guess so but not juicy and firm as Susan's. Personality? Funny? Kind? No, no, no... they just were not good enough. I found out later Susan was comparing the guys she dated to me.

We both were scared about screwing up an amazing friendship so, we waited, and stalled, and hemed, and hawed until... it was too late. We graduated. She moved back home to San Jose, while I took a job in N.Y.

We spent our last night together on campus, visiting our favorite hang outs. As the evening drew to a close I knew I was making a horrible mistake. How could I let her go? Suddenly she took a chance and pulled me into her arms that final night and told me how special I was, how much it would hurt to lose me. We were moving to opposite sides of the country. She demanded that I promise we would always be this close. She fit so snug, so absolutely perfect. This woman belonged against me, pressed into me, nestled with me forever. I knew it. It was a moment of total clarity, a true AHA! Gutless bastard that I was I did not kiss her, I did not tell her that I loved her. I just held her for a long time, made some chicken shit assurances and let her go.

That could have been the end, should have really. Five months went by. I was doing well as a (very) Jr Ad exec in a growing firm. I had helped land a major client who was about to seek representation elsewhere. My boss got most of the credit but the right people noticed. About a month later a SrVP position opened up in our San Francisco office. My boss was offered the job, and asked if I would like to move with him. My new job paid more, I would have my own staff, and the company would help cover my moving expenses. I had always been a New Yorker and liked what I was doing. I was fresh out of school and still learning the ropes. I thought it would be years before I could hope to land this kind of job. Was I ready? I took the night to think it over. I went home, made dinner fired up my computer and soon heard a familiar voice say, "You've got mail". Mixed in with the inevitable AOL spam, was a letter from Susan.

"John it's been weeks since we talked, or even e-mailed, and I wanted to catch up. I'd hate to think we would ever become one of those friends who were close in college and don't see again until our 10 year reunion. You mean too much to me. God I miss you so much! It seems strange not being able to come over and just hang out or watch tv together. I never realized how hard it would be. I know your busy with work and stuff, and I guess I am too but... John I hope we can find a way to stay in touch. Geez I know I sound like a big pile of feminine girly-mush. I should probably cancel this message right now but... I'm going to hit send before I wimp out. Right... NOW!!"

I know it sounds dorky but I read her message a dozen times that night Susan was reaching out to me, (again) and we both knew it. I did not respond to her, but I told my boss the next day that I wanted the San Francisco job. That was Wed. By Friday I was in Sunny CA. Friday afternoon I was at Susan's apartment, ringing her bell trying not to piss my pants. The look on her face when she opened the door was priceless. Tears welled up in her eyes and her hands were trembling.

"Hey Suze, got your e-mail. Thought I'd stop by for a visit", I said as we laughed, and then hugged each other hard.

This time I did not stop there. I gave her the kiss that I should have that last night in college. The kiss that I had wanted to give since I met her over 4 years ago.

And it was as simple as that.

We both knew. That first kiss was our declaration of love. Our commitment to love and protect each other. I felt like shouting to the world "Susan is mine! She belongs to me, and I love her!" I felt like I had wasted years already. I had almost lost her forever when I moved to New York. I was tired of going slow with her. We dated heavily for a month or so, and then I asked her to move in with me. She said yes. But when she did I made a confession.

"Susan, you make me so happy thanks for moving in with me, I love you. I love everything about you except... well except your last name. I think Susan Pressman would sound a lot better. I don't want to just live with you. I want to marry you. I want to be your husband, partner, lover, best friend -- I want it all. I want to build a life with you, I want to be your children's father, I want to put my ring on your finger and let everyone know that you are my property, and that I am your slave. Susan, please baby will you marry me?" I said as I dropped to one knee and put my life in her hands.

"Yes! Yes! YES!!" she shrieked at the top of her lungs before dropping to her knees and falling into my arms, laughing, crying, giggling like a crazy person.

We were married 2 months later and everything seemed to be going our way. Within 4 months my boss suffered a severe heart attack and to everyone's surprise (especially my own) named me his successor. The work was hard and I had to put in a lot of long hours. Monday thru Thursday I averaged 10 hour days. But Friday at five until Monday morning at 8 belonged to the woman I loved. We would often spend the whole weekend in bed. She was the single most important thing in the world to me and she knew it. I did regret not giving her a real honeymoon. I wanted a month alone with my Susan. It was almost 3 years before I could swing it but finally I found the time. I told her he could go anywhere she wanted,

Hawaii, Paris, no restrictions. My goofy lover said she wanted to drive cross country with me. The most romantic thing she could think of would be to have me alone in a car for 8 hours a day, to spend every moment with the man she loved. Damn, I gotta tell you that does wonders for a guy's ego. Her only restriction was that I could not bring my cell phone. She allowed me to check e-mail every other day. We planned to take our time, see the sights. We mapped out a route that took us to several local attractions, and major cities. The first week was amazing.

We visited Hollywood, took in the Grand Canyon, and gambled in Las Vegas (I won $4,000). We were making good time to Houston when our rental car broke down in the middle of nowhere. It would have been nice to have a cell phone (Real fucking nice). Instead I got out and did my best impression of a man who had a clue as to what might be wrong. I loosened caps and jiggled wires, before proclaiming that the car was "broken". We decided to walk back to the rest area that we had passed about 2 miles back. The sun was setting and the handful of cars who had passed refused to stop. It took about a half hour to reach the rest stop. Susan went to the ladies room to freshen up, and I went to the phone to call AAA.

There were a couple of cars and 3 or 4 motor cycles in the area. I was on the phone for about 5 minutes when I heard a woman say in a loud voice: "No! let me pass, leave me alone". I knew that voice, it was my wife's! I put down the phone and ran around the corner to the ladies room. Three men and one young girl had formed a circle around Susan. She looked terrified. I knew I could not take on 3 men by myself and Susan did not seem to be in immediate danger so I ran back to see if I could get some help.

All the cars were gone. Only the motor cycles remained. My hands were shaking as I dialed 911.

"Police is this an emergency... yes sir calm down, where are you... ok stay right there, the nearest car is about 20 minutes away."

"AAAAIGGHH HELP,HELP!!!" I dropped the phone and ran to help my wife.

I'll never forget the sight of my wife, her shirt was off and the biker bitch was playing with her tits through her bra, while her men laughed. I picked up a beer bottle from the trash and ran towards them. I cracked the big one over the back of the head and he went down. I waved the jagged neck around wildly as I fought my way to Susan. The look of adoration, of sheer joy from absolute despair that lit up her face touched me deeply. She quickly bent down and picked up two hand sized rocks and we faced the 3 bikers left, together.

"We don't want trouble. Just take your friend and let us go. I have already called the police and they will be here in a few minutes," I said as we waved our weapons in their direction menacingly. It was a standoff, until the big guy I had hit got to his feet. And pulled his gun.

"Drop em, or you die right now!" he snarled. We had no choice. I gave him my wallet and asked him to leave us in peace.

"I like you little fella, ya got guts. You tackled the 4 of us and almost pulled it off. You gave me your money without me having to ask, that was real smart. I'm gong to let you live. Heck I'll let you go right now. When I'm through with your wife you can have her back."

"Whu, whut do you mean, what are you going to do to my wife?"

"We are going to rape her, long and hard and nasty. Don't worry, Beth here will lick her real good before we fuck her cunt and her ass so she shouldn't get hut too bad. Usually we make the guy watch, but like I said, I like you so you don't have to. One thing though, if the police come back here, she is dead. We are all 3 time losers, so we can't afford to get caught." Susan was sobbing hysterically and the 4 bikers were laughing and sneering in anticipation of raping her. Beth kissed her roughly and resumed playing with Susan's tits. Suddenly she reached behind and undid the clasps on my wife's bra. Susan tried to cover up but Beth would not let her. The leader with the gun told Susan to strip.

"Beth leave her be. I want her to take those jeans off, remove her panties and bend over this table so I can rape her."

My beautiful, innocent wife lost it at that point.

"Please. please don't do this, oh god no, don't rape me, don't make me. John do something, help me!"

I stood there and watched as the woman I loved more than anything was about to be destroyed. Our lives were about to be ruined. I could not leave her, and I could not bear to watch her violation. I had to do something, I had to try. My macho instincts told me to go rambo-ninja apeshit, to go down fighting, to try and jump the guy with the gun, wrestle it away somehow, kill them all for daring to look at my Susan that way. I wanted to do that... but I knew I would not succeed. Most likely that plan would get me killed, my wife would still get raped, and probably murdered afterwards to eliminate all witnesses. No, what I needed was to stall, to allow the police time to arrive. To this day I don't know where the idea came from.

"Leave her alone. Take me instead", a voice said. It took me a minute to realize that it was my own.

It got really quiet then. Everyone stopped looking at my wife and turned to me.

"Lil fella, what are you talking about, we aint no faggots. I got a beautiful woman why the fuck would we give her up to fuck you?" he laughed.

You got to remember I am in advertising. I spend every day convincing people to buy things they don't need, don't want. I overcome objections and put my product in the best possible light. It's what I do, and I'm damned good at it. I size up my client and create an ad campaign custom tailored to win them over. This was my greatest challenge, my most important pitch.

I would not fail.

First of all I reviewed what I knew about them. They were strong, worked as a unit, experienced and liked to utterly dominate and humiliate. I could use that.

"Look I know you are not gay but I think you are missing an incredible opportunity here. First off you should know my wife has herpes. Check my wallet, this is why I have to wear a condom even though we are married. Sure you could rape her but think about how much nastier it would be to rape me. In front of my own wife. I will lick, and kiss and suck you all. I'll be your hot and willing he-bitch on the outside. But on the inside... you know how much I'll hate it, hate all of you. Oh god it is going to be so humiliating, so degrading. I'll just have to take it, I'll just have to smile, and suck, and swallow -- while you gang rape me and the woman I love has to watch. The reality is my wife is already shutting down, going into shock. You might as well fuck a corpse. You say you have all been to jail... are you telling me none of you have ever forced a weaker man to satisfy you sexually? How did it feel to have him hold his ass open while you pounded him? Did you enjoy having some helpless boy suck your smelly dicks. Oh, I promise I would suck you so fucking good. I'll swallow every drop. Do any fucking thing you want to me and I swear I will smile and ask, no humbly beg for more. I am yours. Only... please, god, please god spare my wife," I pleaded as hot tears came down my face and I sank to the floor and kissed the leader's boot.

I glanced at Susan and she was clearly stunned by my offer. I don't think she realized until then just how much I loved her, how precious she was to me. You see I know that I had already hurt her once. Not through any action on my part but through my complete gutless inaction I had let her come to harm, failed to show her that I loved her, to claim her as my own. I had almost lost the woman I loved then. IT. Would. Never. Happen. Again. NOBODY fucks my wife but me. I PROTECT her. I would die for this woman. But dying would not be enough to save her. So I would let myself be raped for her. The thing that seemed to amaze her was that this was not even a hard decision for me. A part of me had passed love and crossed the line into insanity. I was looking forward to demonstrating my devotion, to proving that our love was stronger than their sick hatred. The bikers talked it over, for about a minute.

"Ok, little fella you make a good point. We can have a regular rape anytime. This could be fun. But if we are gonna do this we need rules. There are 4 of us. We each get 1 turn with you, and can do anything we want. You have to make a real effort to make love to us while your wife watches. You have to make each of us cum until we are satisfied. If you do, fine you win, you and your wife are free to go. But if you can't make us all cum, or if you resist... your wife becomes our bitch-slut for a week. I promise you we'll break the little stuck up snob. I have a lot of friends, and I like to share. Do we have a deal... good! Hop on our hawgs and let's get to our motel room before the Pigs show up."

Me, Beth and my wife all rode behind one of the men. It was surreal as our little convoy zipped down the highway. I had my arms wrapped tight around the stomach of a man who was about to rape the shit out of me. My wife clutched another man close, and I knew he would just love to get his dick inside her tight little hole. We passed by our broken rental car and I could not believe the motel was less than a mile away from our car. If we had walked forward instead of back to the rest area none of this would have happened. We never would have met these assholes. We did not pass anyone or have a chance to signal for help. They led us at gunpoint into a large room with 2 double beds, and a large couch.

I remember thinking this could not be happening, I was about to be humiliated, brutalized, raped in front of my wife. I have never hated 4 human beings as much as I did this scum. For the first time in my life I wished I was one of those macho, athletic types. If I thought for even a second that I had a chance I'd go for it. Susan had already proven she would stand by me, help me fight. It was tempting but 4 on 2, where 4 are bigger stronger, and have a gun... that's hopeless. I tried to resign myself to my fate, to accept it, survive it. The first words out of the big asshole's mouth scared the shit out of me.

"Ok bitch get naked. I want to see your tits, and that juicy ass right now."

"Wha, what are you saying, you promised to leave her alone, don't do this!"

"I promised we would not fuck her, I said nothing about getting a look, and a feel. Besides I want her to be ready, I want to remind you of what is going to happen. If you screw up, even once, we are going to fuck her right in front of you."

Susan was too scared to cry as Beth forcibly removed her clothing. She was not gentle, snatching and jerking her top and the her jeans off.

Soon she was down to just panties and a bra.

"Take them off bitch, get on the bed and spread your legs open so I can have a taste."

Susan was shaking visibly as she got naked, and had difficulty removing her bra. Finally her large firm breasts were free. The with a shudder and a sigh she pulled her panties off. She tried to cover her privates, but it was no use. She looked desperate, pathetic.

"John, help me, tell me what to do. I can't take it, Pleeeze, John..."

I never felt so weak, so utterly fucking useless as I did watching that bitch Beth and one of those goons hold my wife down, and spread her open on that fucking bed. She was screaming and bucking wildly, desperately but it was no use. The 3rd guy held the gun on me, and the leader got on the bed and prepared to lick Susan's pussy. He took his time about it and savored the experience. First he nibbled the fleshy part of her upper thigh, sucking and slowly licking her meat. He blew softly on her well trimmed crotch and then sunk a finger in her vagina. He was just playing with her! Susan and I begged him to stop, to leave her alone. I pleaded with him to take me instead. He just kept licking my wife. When he finally stuck his tongue in it was agony to watch. I could see it wiggling around inside her pussy. His hands were playing with her ass now, squeezing and separating her cheeks. Beth had a meaty tit in one hand and the other guy bent down to suck on the other one. I was tempted to end it all, I was not thinking clearly. I was about to attack the leader, I knew I would fail but I had to TRY. That's when he told them to stop.

"Ok John it's your turn. Take your clothes off and then put your wife's bra and panties on. Beth will get you some lipstick. Take your time, we'll play with your wife while you change," he said as he went back to sucking on Susan, greedily licking, and lapping and slurping my wife's pussy.

It took less than a minute to rip my clothes off. I grabbed her pink lace panties and squeezed into them as best I could. The bra took a little longer. Susan is a 38DD and I am not a large man so it fit, but I had difficulty getting it closed. Finally I twisted it around, hooked it and then twisted it back. There was little time for me to think, I was on Auto pilot, my wife was being orally molested and needed me. I kept telling her to "hang on, that it was almost over". Beth smeared cherry red lipstick on me and I was ready.

The leader looked up from my wife's wet cunt and smiled at me.

"You look very pretty John. I can't wait to rape you. I'll go first, then mad-dog, then Beth, and then Skull crusher. You remind me of a sweet little boy bitch I had the last time I was in the joint. We were together for 3 years. I'm no faggot, but I kinda miss the little fella. Your wife is going to sit on the couch, with her cunt wet and wide open. If she closes her legs she will be punished. Come over here and sit on my lap sweetie."

Susan reached out to me, as they dragged her to the couch, we hugged briefly and I told her I would be ok, that it would be over soon. I then walked to the leader and gingerly, awkwardly sat on his lap. His strong arms wrapped around me and he began nuzzling me, and kissing my neck softly. He slowly worked his way to my lips.

"Open your mouth baby and give me that hot little tongue of yours. I want to taste that sweet, wet mouth," he said with a feverish, lust-filled leer.

I glanced up to see Susan and that was all the incentive I needed. Her legs were gapped wide and I just knew if I hesitated the others would gladly rape her. They were messing with her tits a little but that was all. So far.

As I look back on it, I hate to admit it but he really was a good kisser. Don't get me wrong, I fucking hated it, him, the situation... but on a purely sensual technique level... well it was not bad. I guess it surprised me. I mean I'm no Mr. macho, and while I don't have strong feelings against gays (some of my best friends are gay, well ok 1 -- and maybe BEST friend is too strong, but I do like the guy, I mean not sexually, but he is nice); my point is I am not, nor have I ever been a member of the gay party. Apparently though a good kiss is a good kiss.

The leader was slowly sucking on my lower lip, while holding me tight.

Then as I opened my mouth a little his tongue flicked across my teeth and sent a little chill through me. The first time he sucked me in, I panicked a little but, he slowed down and let me get used to him.

"Play with my cock baby, get me nice and hard so I can stick you good."

I reached down and unzipped him. My rapist had a long, fat cock. There was no way that was going to fit inside of my ass! The idea of playing with another man's cock was alien to me, but I had to. I gently rolled him from cock head to its base, while we made out. I felt him get hard in my hands.

"So, good, so fucking good you hot little he-slut. I've been kissing you, now I want you to straddle me and suck me hard. Tell me how bad you want my cock inside of you. Tell your wife that you never loved her, that I am all you need. DO IT you fucking slut!"

My heart, my ears, my blood were pounding. I could barely catch my breath. I put my legs on either side of the leader and snuggled up tight against him. I could feel his cock pressing into my stomach. I began to kiss him, suck him lick his face with abandon. It sickened me to say it but I did.

"Oh daddy, your little girl loves you. Please fuck me, please rape me. I need it so bad. FUCK me now daddy, hurt my hot little ass. Teach your virgin little boy-girl how to ass fuck. I'm ready now daddy, I never liked having sex with her. Her fat tits are disgusting, it's your hairy muscled chest that I need, that I love."

Susan let out an audible gasp and screamed "No!" I had hurt her, she thought I really was beginning to enjoy myself. I wasn't but I had to pretend to.

"What a little slut! Ok bitch I'm ready to rape you, since you obviously need it. I want your wife to feel it. So here is what we're gonna do.

She is going to lie down on her back. You will lie on top of her with your cute little ass sticking up. She can look you in the eye and hug you tight while I rape your sweet ass."

The others were laughing and cheering him on while my wife and I got into position. Susan held me in her arms and kissed me softly while we waited for him to stick me with his monster cock.

"John baby, I'm so sorry. Hang on honey I'm here it will be ok. Focus on me, pretend it is me. We are back home, in our bed making love on a Saturday afternoon. I love you baby, I will love only you forever," my wife said through tears as she held me tight.

The leader pulled my dry ass apart and spit into it a few times. Then he lined his cock up with my anus and slowly sank his dick inside of me. "Arrrghhh! Shit! You are ripping me open, you are hurting me! Oh god be gentle, please, let me get used to it. Slow down."

But he did not. He kept going deeper, harder, faster. I knew I was bleeding some. Actually I guess that helped him slide in easier. The pain was unbelievable. I laid my head down on my wife's chest and just cried and sobbed, and whimpered like a baby. To have her see it, to have her feel my body being power-fucked, to have my snot, and blood, and tears, and shit, and his cum drip on the woman I loved was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. The taunts and jeers and lewd remarks from the assholes who were next were hard to take to. This was not over.

It was just the beginning.

"God you are one incredible lay. You are going through this to save your wife? She obviously does not love you. I'm no faggot. She could end this with a word. She could make a deal to save you. All she has to do is tell us to stop, to offer her hot, sexy, willing -- FEMALE body to us and you would be spared. Jesus fuck woman, how can you lay there and let me rape your husband. Don't you love him, even a little?! You know it is your place to be raped, it should be you. What you are doing to him is cruel. He loves you woman, you don't deserve him. Oh well, since you don't care about him, why should I? Come on slut, tell me that you love it. Fuck me back, squeeze my cock in your ass. Come on little girl beg me to cum, make me cum inside of you.

I had to, I had to do it. Oh god, no, but I had to protect Susan.

"Please daddy, harder, I need it harder. RAPE ME DADDY! Rip me open. Just fuck your little girl. I need it so bad, it feels so good to have you inside me where you belong. I love my strong daddy's cock. You make my butt feel all warm and tingly. Thank you daddy, I will always remember our special night."

That did it, that pushed him over the edge. He grabbed my hips and began pounding my ass hard, yanking me back to meet his thrusts. It was wild, I was terrified as my rapist split me open. I felt myself tear inside. He was humping me now, pumping his dick into me as fast as he could. finally he screamed my name and came, and oozed his seed deep, down in the bottom of my ass.

He left his cock inside me for several minutes while I cried on my wife's chest. She rocked me tight and told me that what he said was not true, that she DID love me. The Leader was kissing my back and neck while giving me a slow massage. I lightly sucked my wife's nipple for comfort as it slowly dawned on me. He was getting hard again. It did not hurt as bad this time, as I was already loose, and lubed. He took his time and savored my ass. He seemed almost thankful, gentle. Perhaps he was recalling fond memories with his prison lover, I don't know. In a sick, sad way I was grateful. By contrast this slow, tender rape was almost pleasurable. I was sucking the tit that I loved, wrapped in my wife's loving arms. I was not in pain, and honestly it was not nearly as humiliating the second time around. The leader gently fucked me, rested, massaged kissed and finally came inside of me a second time.

One down. Three to go.

I don't know if I can explain how much pain I was in at that moment.

Physically, shit it was almost unbearable. A large cock was buried to the hilt in my ass. My rapist was stronger than I, and did not really care how much he hurt me. I was cracked and bleeding. My whimpers and shivers and tears seemed to excite him, to make him want to fuck me even harder. My bowels were on fire, every move, every thrust he made, sent fresh waves of pain through me. He had just cum deep inside me a second time, and for a moment I thought he might somehow stay hard for a third round. He had the right to do that if he wanted. Our deal was that I had to completely satisfy each of the four assholes who had kidnapped me and my wife. If I could do it, with a smile on my face, then I won, WE won, and the woman I loved would be spared. If I failed to please them all sexually, if I resisted in any way they would force me to watch Susan being raped by them. She would become their fuck-slut for a week, and would be shared with their filthy biker friends.

In a weird way that actually helped. I KNEW that my wife would not have been able to survive the vicious rape I had just been through, never mind being their property for a week! Despite my slight build and appearance, we both know that I am tougher mentally, physically and emotionally. Oh make no mistake, after the first rape my brain was shrieking, I felt my sanity slipping away but a small portion of me clung to the hope that it would soon be over. I knew what I had to do, and I was determined to save us both. The hardest part of this ordeal had been that my rapist placed me on top of my wife, he made her hold me while he fucked my ass. I had to look her in the eye as I lost my anal virginity. She saw me break, saw my fear, and heard the slutty, disgusting things I had to say to save us. I wanted to believe she still loved me, still respected me but deep down -- how could she? How could I be a man in her eyes? I was wearing her bra, panties and lipstick. I was forced to talk in a feminine voice, and pretend that I loved my rapist. How could I expect Susan to respect me when I could no longer respect myself?