BABY BOOM BLAMED ON BOOKSTORE IMBROGLIO Dateline: June 17, 2003, Upper Knocksville, WV
In a startling development straight out of the fertile imagination of noted author Homer Vargas himself, a recent wave of pregnancies -- overwhelming local hospitals -- has been traced to a personal appearance by the same Homer Vargas at an Upper Knocksville erotic bookstore approximately nine months ago.
"I had no idea this was going to happen," said the beaming author; "One minute I was having a pleasant conversation with a very sexy pregnant lady, if that is not otiose to say, in the 'Homer Vargas' section of the emporium and the next minute I'm coping with a confabulation of concentrated copulation," the author announced in his annoyingly alliterative affectation.
"Apparently, several young -- well at least they were pre-menopausal -- women overhearing our conversation about seducing young studs and making them into fucktoys, got so lathered-up they were compelled to hike their skirts and start pleasuring themselves on the spot," the author explained. "It might have ended with a few temporarily satisfied women with soaked panties, but when my interlocutor began to describe how she arranged to get fucked silly and filled with boiling hot jizz just when she was at her most fertile time, the listeners totally lost control. The women started grabbing their husbands, boyfriends -- pretty much any man they could lay hands on -- and started coupling like a hutch of over-heated hamsters."
Curiously, even Dr. Vargas was not aware of the scale of the orgy he had inadvertently incited. Dr. Vargas, having contributed as much semen to the purpose of profligate procreation as prudently possible, attempted to extricate himself from the bookstore with his clothes on -- fighting off a gaggle of suburban matrons caught up in the frenzy. At that moment, however, the manager of the bookstore was moved to begin reading from her favorite passages of "Judith and Me" on the bookstore's public address system, arousing the astonished onlookers even more.
By coincidence, word spread to a gathering of feminist scholars meeting at the nearby Upper Knocksville Convention Center who called the police. This failed to redress the situation, however, since by the time two impressionable young policewomen arrived, scores of women had joined the orgy and were braying to be impregnated. The policewomen themselves were soon bent over the bookstore sales counter, eagerly taking rapid-fire cumloads and pleading to be made mommies by a line of men now flocking to the bookstore from every corner of the city.
Accounts of events after this point are unclear, but one eyewitness (a former professor of Militant Feminist Literature and a new mother of triplets, speaking on condition of anonymity) recalls the outrage of the 250-odd middle-aged grrrls at the Convention Center when they heard of an orgy in progress. When someone else informed them that their nemesis, the notorious Homer Vargas himself was involved, anger in the auditorium boiled over in a spontaneous decision to rush the adjacent bookstore. The orgasmic melee in front of the bookstore had by them spread across several blocks and the feminist scholars were instantly immersed in a frenzy of formidable fornication. Soon the sexed-up scholars were shucking their dowdy clothes and grabbing any man they could find (including a pleased group of troglodyte males who had come to protest the feminist conclave), humping them urgently and begging to be made pregnant.
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