Chapter 7

As most young men and women can attest, love plays strange tricks with the mind. Even if we had everything life offers, the emotions derived from love are sometimes irrepressible. Jealousy, I feel is the worst. Anger, because we are jealous for whatever reason. Anger turned into retaliation because the one you love is perhaps not in the mood or simply rejects you. Desire or lust, because you catch a glimpse of her breast while she is changing clothes. I'm saying when we were young, everything about the one we love, affects some type of emotion within us. Jay is no different than we are.

Let's continue.

I opened my eyes beneath a chandelier hanging fourteen feet above me and sweating from the body heat of the gorgeous, golden blonde girl whose leg and arm were sprawled over me. Her nude body pressed against mine felt moist for lack of air moving over us. Her face was resting on my shoulder held by my arm wrapped around her. Tilting my face down I gazed at her beautiful face and wondered, "Why am I here?" A short time ago, I had sex in the most erotic manner and I loved it.

The afternoon sunlight shown through the large Victorian-style windows, its rays reaching across the polished hardwood floor just short of the clothing I had removed a short time ago. I wish this were Amy lying beside me. Will she come to understand me? Perhaps fate has designed our lives for us, never to be together as we were, just yesterday. I reached my hand up to my eyes, wiping the moistness from them. Would my actions today confirm that fate? I am now torn between guilt and justification, knowledge and emotions. My knowledge justifies my being here when my emotions prove just the opposite. Which shall I follow?

I arose from the bed and showered after I awakened Christy. Moments later she entered, sat on the bidet and flushed the handle then opened the shower curtain and purposely stood before me and began to slowly wash her body. I could have easily taken her but my mind was overcome with guilt. As I rinsed my hair, I suddenly flinched, quickly turning away from her as her hand felt between my legs.

"I can't right now. I have got something to take care of," I said, then opened the curtain and reached for a towel while stepping out.

"Amy?" she asked, feeling certain.

"Yes and no. Do you want to know something? There are matters in life other than women. I know that is difficult for you to understand," I said, being sarcastic.

"I know you love her, but now, because of what we just had, I don't care anymore. If I am second to her that's fine with me. We had great sex and that is all I want."

"Do you want me to take you home?" I asked walking out and into the bedroom to get dressed.

I was tying my shoes when she came out of the bathroom nude, fluff drying her hair. I smiled to myself knowing she was trying to seduce me. I had an urge but I needed time to get my head straight. She went to her clothes and bent over, holding that position for a few seconds as though she were looking for something, knowing I was watching her. "You are very good at tempting me and I would love to, but really, I have something to do that is very important," I said, removing the harshness from my voice.

Still stooping with her beautiful bare ass pointed in my direction she turned and smiled. "So you're not really angry?"

"No, I have a lot on my mind," I replied.

She stood, walked over and sat next to me raising her arms and again fluffing her hair. Her breasts perked up with two small nipples that looked like two smaller breasts. I looked at them but I was still unswayed from excusing myself. She stood up directly in front of me drying her hair.

I stared her up and down and looked into her eyes. "I agree. You have a beautiful body," I said again, overcoming temptation.

"I'm not going to win this time, am I?" she asked with a sexy smile.

I shook my head returning her smile, indicating no. "You better hurry or I am going to call you a cab."

"Ten minutes!" she fired back, hurrying back to the bathroom with her clothes.

It was 2:40 PM when we reached the school, remembering she had cheerleader practice.

"I hope I don't get into trouble for being ten minutes late. Call me later and let me know what you have decided," she said quickly getting out of the car and running.

I watched her as she scurried toward the gym to change. 'Beautiful!' I thought.

I drove home and went up to my room. I lay back on the bed thinking of Amy. I knew she was mixed up about me. I knew from seeing into her last night she was scared and confused but the reality was, I was hurt by her rejecting me the way she did. She looked at me as if I was not real. I could have accepted it for the moment until she had time to think about what she wanted to do but I didn't want to use logic as a method for understanding her. I wanted what all kids want: to see me not as a robot but as a human.

There was a knock at my door. Mom popped her head in. "Jay, your father wants to see you!"

"He's home early. I will be right down," I said as she closed the door. I went down to his office, knocked on the door and walked in. He was sitting in his chair turned toward the window.

"You want to see me, Dad?" I asked standing in front of his desk as he stared out of the window. I knew something serious was on his mind because of the delay in his response.

He turned his chair facing me and looking directly into me eyes. "I am ashamed of you. I didn't raise you to act this way," he said with hurt in his tone.

I wasn't going to deny anything. "I don't know what to say," I responded.

"I have spent my life teaching you what is right. You have a purpose in life and you accepted that responsibility, willingly. Originally, I did not think it was a good idea for you to get so involved with Amy but I knew you needed her at this time in your life and I accepted that. You cannot, or you do not want to believe that it may be hard for her to understand everything about you, so you go get a five-hundred-dollar-a-night hotel room and shack up with someone you don't even care about. That is not very responsible in my book, son," he explained, first with a controlled tone then showing a little anger.

"You will have your money soon if that is what you are worried about, Dad," I said feeling frustrated by him prying into my private life.

"It's not the money, son! I don't care about the money!" he exclaimed in a louder tone, then calmed his voice. "You have lost sight of your purpose. That's what worries me," he continued.

"I haven't lost sight of anything, Dad. In fact, your plan was flawed in the fact that it will cost too many lives and put more people in danger than necessary. I have mapped out my own course of action that will negate ninety percent of your strategies. As to Amy or whomever I decide to see or be with is my business. The objective will be met, but in my way and on my terms!" I stated firmly.

"I agree, your method is superior and that is why I haven't confronted you before now, but your personal life affects everything. You need to keep focused."

"I see. You raised me in a wonderful home, where I felt loved, and wanted me to lead a normal life with other kids. To feel as other kids, to see life as it should be through growing eyes, but now that I have reached that point in my life, you think of me as your machine to complete something that you had envisioned. I have that same vision too, Dad, and I will complete it, but I am not you and I see life through different eyes than you. I love, I hate, I feel compassion and anger just like everyone else, and I will not brush aside those feelings for simple logic or to complete a plan. You should know all of this because you have broken through the barriers of my mind!" I accused him in anger.

"It's true, I can still read your mind, but soon you will be capable of that same thing, and much more beyond human comprehension. All of these gifts will come to you as I explained earlier, but only as your mind develops," he argued, pausing for a moment, then speaking more softly. As for your personal life, you are right. I have no business interfering."

He lowered his head, and then raised it looking at me. If you don't mind me asking, what are you going to do about Amy? Regardless of what you may think, I do care about her," he said with true concern.

"I am not certain. She hurt me and it's hard to find forgiveness carrying that emotion. If she cannot accept me for who I am then I just don't know, Dad," I replied, not able to rationalize my feelings.

"It's tough I know, son. Having the knowledge we do and not understanding the simple heart," he replied attesting he had felt the same. We smiled at one another.

With my hands in my pockets, I slowly walked toward the door and turned to him. "I just want to live my own life, Dad."

After that comment, I turned to walk out and the door opened before me. Again I looked at him to smile at the way he had just shown me a new ability. I walked into the kitchen for a glass of water as Mom was putting dishes from the washer away.

"Why is it so hard for people to accept the fact that some may be different? You have always accepted Dad," I said, hoping she had an answer.

"That's not true! When you were four years old, you, your father and I were traveling to Nashville and came upon an accident off to the side of the interstate. I thought at that time I knew everything about your father. There were two ambulances, rescue squads along with state troopers gathered around this car trying to pry it open to get a teenage girl out. Your father stopped and got out to help them and told me to stay in the car with you. Well, silly me had to see. I took the keys out, locked the door and followed him. I ran over, stood on the bank, and watched. Well, what I saw shocked me. With all those rescuers standing around, your father walked up without speaking a word. All of them looked at him and parted enough for your father to walk between them. The jammed door just opened up.

"Looking into the car, he saw the steering wheel pressed against her chest crushing her. Suddenly the thing just bent away from her and he pulled her out and laid her on the stretcher, walked up the bank, and saw me standing there. Now you would think that I would say, 'that was wonderful, honey, ' or something similar to that. However, I didn't. I felt cold chills over my body and became very scared.

"For a week, I hardly spoke to your father. I knew he knew what I was feeling and I tried to hide it but you know how that works. Finally, I came to grips with myself and realized that it was a wonderful act. Then, the funniest thing happened. I felt this warm rush through my body and felt more secure than I ever had," she explained with a certain love in her voice.

She looked at me trying to understand the look on my face. "Did you do something to frighten Amy?" she asked with concern.

"Last night," I replied.

"And she wouldn't talk to you in school today?"

"She didn't go to school."

"I'm sure she did. She called after you left this morning and said she was running late, and asked if you had left yet. I told her you had gone already and asked if she needed a ride. She said her mother would take her."

"She went to school?" I said aloud, although speaking to myself. I looked at my watch and it was 4:15. "Thanks, Mom!" I said, turning and walking out the door. If she came straight home from cheerleading practice, she should be home any minute. I walked outside and sat on the back porch. Christy and I were seen leaving class this morning and a few people saw us going out to the parking lot together. If Amy was at practice when Christy showed up, then there must have been a conversation between them. I am going to assume Amy knows, so how do I react? I can't and won't deny it. I walked over to the bench swing and lay down, positioning the cushion under my head closing my eyes.

My mind turned to strategies I might use and I began orchestrating in my head the path I would take once I graduated. (Phase I) I would enlist for two years, accepting the grade of Captain, and entering Military Intelligence. I would take their assignments and generate information proving myself, consequently being granted a lower level Security Clearance. (Phase II) Create a National Security crisis by feeding security codes to select people, allowing them access to the CIA's mainframe computer causing them to take desperate measures to find a failsafe security program. Mother opening the door interrupted my thoughts.

Instinctively, I almost read her thoughts but controlled my mind and waited for her explanation. Adjusting my eyes to the light, having been closed, I peered up at her standing at the door.

"You have a phone call."

"Amy?"

"No, it is another young lady," she said as I followed her in. Mom continued into the kitchen as I went into the den picking up the receiver.

"I've got it, Mom!" I shouted. I waited until I heard her hang up.

"Hello."

"Hi, Jay. It's Christy."

"Yes, I know."

"You don't seem too excited."

"Oh wow, Christy!" I joked.

"Have you talked to Amy?"

"Not yet. Is there something I need to know?"

"We spoke at practice. I told her you were upset this morning and needed someone to talk to so we skipped school and went for a drive. I am not sure if she believed me."

"Christy, I will not lie to her. I just want you to know that."

"I told her that, for your sake. I don't care if she knows. You know how I feel."

"That was considerate of you. I mean that," I said, having imagined she would have told her.

"Mom has some asshole coming over tonight and asked if I would mind finding a friend to spend the night with," she explained with pain in her voice. I had a sudden feeling of regret. She was truly a sweet girl at heart. I wished now I had not sat on her desk this morning.

"Do you have a friend you can spend the night with?"

"You're the only friend I have."

"I find that hard to believe. What about Donna?" I asked, having read her mind today.

"My cousin? How do you know her?"

"I'll tell you later. Call her and ask."

"I know she won't mind, but I would rather stay with you."

"I don't think that will be possible."

"You going to get things straightened out with Amy?"

"I don't know if she wants to, especially now."

"Jay, I have never begged any boy before, but please! I want to be with you."

"I don't know. I need time. I'll call you later however I decide, okay?"

"Okay. Got a pencil?"

"I know how to get in touch with you."

"But you..."

"Trust me. I will call you. By the way, you are very sweet, and I had the greatest time with you," I said interrupting her.

"You too. Bye."

I was unsure if I wanted to go over to Amy's because I knew she needed her space right now. Besides, I wasn't anxious for her to find out the truth about Christy. I went up to my room, turned my radio on, and listened to music.

At eight o'clock I took a shower and had decided to call Christy afterwards when I heard the doorbell ring. I was lying back on my bed, wrapped only in a towel, cooling off from my hot shower when someone knocked on my door.

"Yes," I answered the knock.

"Can I come in Jay?"

"Come on in." I said recognizing Amy's voice. She entered as I sat up on the edge of the bed watching her as she walked over and sat next to me. "Please don't read my mind. I want to talk to you without you knowing what I want to talk about," she said almost crying. I didn't know what to do. If I put my arm around her, would she reject it?" I wondered.