Chapter 1

I really don't know where to start. I guess I should tell you who I am first. My name is Jocelyn and I'm a thirty-one year old mother of two beautiful children, Rebecca who's twelve and Michael who's nine. I married my high school sweetheart, Danny, very young at the age of eighteen and a year later we had our first child - we call her Becky for short. I've been in love with Danny for as long as I can remember and I believe I still love him today. That's why it's very difficult for me to understand my actions lately. I've started to go to therapy and have been prescribed anti-depressants although I haven't taken any yet. My therapist is very helpful and she has been quite patient with me at our sessions while I've rambled on and on about my recent misdeeds while at the same time contradictingly professing my belief that I still love my husband. And while she hasn't come right out and told me what to do, she has been intimating lately that, in order to rebuild a healthy relationship with my husband, I will have to come clean with him and confess my sins. Otherwise these terrible secrets I'm holding deep down inside will tear me apart and forever sabotage our marriage. But I just can't bring myself to tell him what I've done. I am so ashamed!

If only our marriage today was the same as when it began thirteen years ago. I can still remember how Danny looked in his high school football uniform. He was so tall, dark and handsome. He wasn't a star player or anything, but he set my heart to swooning nonetheless. I was too shy to join the cheerleading squad where I might have been more noticeable to him, so I used to sit in the bleachers every day and watch his practices. Finally, one day he noticed me ogling him and he came over to chat after practice. Well, one thing led to another and he eventually asked me out on our first date. I was in heaven! We started going steady after that and have been together ever since.

Danny used to be so horny back in those days. It was all I could do to keep his octopus tentacles out from under my dress and away from my breasts. My parents were quite strict, and it had been drilled into me for years the way a lady should behave. Therefore, although Danny and I had many torrid make-out sessions, I managed to retain my virginity until our wedding night.

The year before we married, but after we were already engaged, I did end up giving Danny a blowjob one night while we were parked at the local Lover's Lane. I can't quite remember how it all got started, but I know that he was always trying to put my hand on his hard penis, coaxing me to squeeze it, and for some reason, that night I wanted to feel it naked in my hand. I still remember the shocked expression on Danny's face when I pulled down the zipper of his jeans. I had never seen his private parts before that night, and after I managed to extract his penis from his pants, I remember thinking how majestic and beautiful it looked. It was not all that long (a little over six inches, I later discovered), but its red circumcised crown appeared almost regal as it stood at attention and saluted me.

As I began to slowly move my hand up and down on his shaft, Danny leaned his head back against the car seat and closed his eyes. "God, that feels so good, Jo," he moaned, and I began to feel a great sense of power over him. His penis was so warm and smooth in my hand, and I don't know what came over me, but suddenly I knew that I had to have it in my mouth. As I lowered my head down towards his throbbing member, I noticed a little drop of clear fluid oozing out of the opening to his urethra and I licked it off before I wrapped my lips around the mushroom-like head of his manhood. As soon as my lips touched his naked flesh, Danny went ballistic. "Oh yes, Jo!" he moaned out loudly as he pushed his penis up into my face. "Suck it, baby! Suck my big cock!"

Well, I'd never actually seen a 'cock' before let alone had one in my mouth, and I readily admit I was very inexperienced. I'd heard lots of girls at school talk about sucking cocks, so I took the term literally and began drawing hard on it as if I were sucking a thick milk shake through a thin straw. I must have caused Danny some serious discomfort, because he quickly put his hand on my head and said, "No Jo, stop! Stop, Jo! Don't actually suck it. Just kind of move your mouth up and down on it." I must have started doing better after that because soon Danny was moaning incessantly as his head began to thrash from side to side on the car seat. "Oh, baby," he groaned, "your mouth is so fucking hot! I'm gonna shoot my load any second now! Do you want me to cum in your mouth, Jo?"

I wasn't familiar with the term 'load', but I knew that 'cum' was a vulgar term for male ejaculate. I had seen a film once in science class that showed a microscopic view of male sperm cells wriggling and gyrating around in an almost perverse kind of dance, and I knew for sure that I didn't want any of those creepy things anywhere near my mouth, so I immediately pulled my lips off Danny's cock and began to fist his shaft again. Within seconds a blast of thick white fluid exploded from the tip of his penis and landed on the ceiling of the car. Spurt after hard spurt of what appeared to be a very heavy cream continued to erupt from the head of his cock and completely saturated the front of his shirt and pants not to mention my hand, which was just lathered with the slimy goo. I remember being so glad that I'd removed my mouth from his cock before he came. I thought that he might have literally blown my head off with the incredible pressure that he had built up behind his ejaculation. Danny gave me some tissues to wipe off my hand, and while he was cleaning off his shirt and pants, I did manage to sneak just a little taste of his thick sauce. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't something that I'd want to make a steady diet of either.

Anyway, that was the first and only time that I ever sucked Danny's cock until after we were married, although he tried almost daily to get me to do it again after that first night. However, after we tied the knot I dutifully gave him head whenever he wanted it, although I never did let him cum in my mouth.

During the first three or four months of our marriage, I used to get together regularly with a couple of my old girlfriends from school for a bit of gossip and a good old chinwag, and the conversation would invariably get around to sex. I listened with intent curiosity when a few of my girlfriends would talk about their husbands or boyfriends performing cunnilingus on them - well, they didn't call it 'cunnilingus'; they used terms such as 'eating my pussy' or 'sucking my cunt' or 'slurping my twat'. My vagina would get very wet as I listened to them recount the mind-blowing sensations they'd experienced having a man's mouth 'lick my cunt' or 'tongue-fuck my hole' or 'suck on my clit'.

I decided that I wanted to try this, and one night I finally worked up the courage to ask Danny. I was sucking on his penis as he lay back on the bed, and I began to slowly move my body up over top of his until my pussy was situated right above his face. Then I raised my head up from his groin and pleaded with him, "Eat my pussy, baby. Please?" Well, he couldn't really say no seeing as how I'd been sucking his cock regularly for the past four months, so I think he begrudgingly acquiesced and stuck his tongue in between the wet lips of my labia. When his mouth made contact with my naked flesh, it felt like a jolt of electricity coursed up through my body. And when he licked my clitoris, I began to cum immediately. I dropped my pussy down onto his face and ground it around relentlessly on his thick tongue. I had never experienced anything like that before in my entire life, and I was so enrapt in my orgasm that I almost let him cum in my mouth. However, when I felt his juices begin to leak into my mouth, I quickly removed my mouth from his penis and jerked him off until he came all over my hand and on the bed sheets. I thought I heard him mutter a disgruntled "Shit!" under his breath as I walked to the bathroom to wash my hand off, although I could have been mistaken.

After that night when Danny first gave me oral pleasure, that was all I fantasized about. But every time I asked him to eat my pussy again, he would always come up with some excuse not to. "Not tonight, babe, I'm too tired," or "Geez, I just brushed my teeth - do I have to?" or "I told you before, hon, I don't really like the taste." One of my girlfriends advised me to shave my pussy so that Danny wouldn't have to contend with a mouthful of pubic hair, and I did, but to no avail. Needless to say, that was the first and only time that Danny ever performed cunnilingus on me. After humiliating myself countless more times by begging him for his tongue, I finally reconciled myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen. But I also reconciled myself to never again sucking his cock. I believe that this was the first warning I had of our sexual incompatibility, and I know now that withholding fellatio from him was the wrong thing to do, but at the time I was very angry and hurt.

Until then we had been making love like rabbits. Danny was always horny, and I have to admit that I enjoyed the intimate act of intercourse immensely, and I believed I was good at it too. I had overheard some of Danny's buddies talking around the kitchen table one night while they were playing poker. One of the guys talked about making love to his wife and how she always just lay there like a dead fish while he fucked her. A couple of the other guys chimed in that their wives were the same way. However, one of the guys said that his wife screwed him like a high-priced slut and that sometimes she fucked him so hard that he didn't even have to move a muscle to make her cum. When one of the guys said to Danny, "Hey Dan, your wife's a fox - how is she in the sack?" Danny merely replied, "Okay, I guess." My feelings were incredibly hurt that night because I knew from listening to the discussions around the table that I was more of a 'slut' than a 'dead fish'. I basically loved to fuck and I was always very active, bucking my hips up into Danny each time he drove his big pole into me and rotating my hips around constantly on his thick dick.

It was just one more stake driven through my heart.

After I got pregnant with Becky, Danny lost all sexual interest in me and he rebuffed all of my advances to make love. I was so incredibly horny all during my pregnancy that I began to buy Playgirl magazines and I used them to masturbate to while Danny was at work. I would salivate over the long pieces of meat that hung between the legs of those beautiful studs and wonder how they would look all hard and shiny in my fist. I had no idea at the time that you could actually buy pornographic magazines showing men in full erection and sometimes even fucking girls' pussies and asses and mouths. I contented myself with fantasizing how I would take my centerfold's long flaccid dick deep into my mouth and coax it to full rigidity before allowing it to splash its pungent load of man-seed deep into the back of my throat. I know, I know... I'd never actually let a man cum in my mouth before, but that was my fantasy, rightly or wrongly.

After I gave birth to Becky, I became a mother. I know that this probably sounds self-evident and redundant, and I don't expect most men to understand, but Becky became the complete focus of my life and the center of my universe. Everything else was secondary, including my sex life with Danny. Oh, he eventually came around a few months after I'd delivered and had managed to work my body back into reasonable shape, but things were never the same between us. We basically 'scheduled' sex once a week on Saturday nights and I gradually began to evolve from a 'slut' into a 'dead fish'. I'd let him get between my legs and do his dirty little business, but I seldom came myself anymore. Sex had become just another repugnant chore for me. The only time I began to take a serious interest in it again was when I decided that I wanted to have another child.

When Becky was about two and a half years old and potty-trained, I managed to convince Danny that we should have another baby and I got him to agree to adjust our 'schedule' so that we could make love at my most fertile times of the month. I even began to thrash around on his prick again, pretending that I was enjoying it so that he would cum quicker. But as soon as he'd dump his load in my uterus, I would push him off me and clamp my legs together tightly to trap his sperm, and then I would roll over and go to sleep. In retrospect, it was a very very sad state of affairs.

After I became pregnant with Michael, Danny's and my sex life again became non-existent, but I really didn't care anymore. I was once again as horny as hell during the entire nine months I carried Michael and I widened my horizons and began to buy some of the men's magazines, which were a little raunchier than my usual Playgirls. I'd go to a magazine store on the other side of town and come away with a stack of Penthouse, Hustler, Swank and Velvet. I know that they are primarily female photo spread magazines, but I'd even begun to find those spreads erotic and would sometimes fantasize about one of the gorgeous woman models in the book sucking on my pussy while pushing one of her slender fingers up my tight ass, and my resultant orgasm would be intense indeed.

One day I worked up enough nerve to go into an adult bookstore and browse around. I ended up buying a pornographic magazine showing large black men with massive cocks fucking various white women in every way imaginable before blowing their loads into their mouths and all over their faces. For some reason, the book struck my fancy and it became the primary source of my masturbation fantasies for several months afterwards. I would pull on my clit while imagining one of those black monsters blowing a thick load of sperm down my throat or into my virgin asshole. I began to buy long thin zucchinis at the market and I would fuck one in and out of my pussy and rub my clit while I fantasized that one of my big dusky studs was plowing his thick piece of black meat up my little white twat, getting ready to deposit a potent load of black baby-making sperm deep inside my unprotected womb. Sometimes after I'd cum, I wouldn't even bother washing the zucchini off but would just slice it up and fry it and feed it to Danny with his supper. I remember thinking to myself one night as I watched him eat the zucchini with his disgusting mouth open while he chewed, 'One way or another, you asshole, you're going to get a little pussy juice in your diet.' My marriage was turning into a living hell. The only saving grace was that I had two beautiful children who needed me and loved me unconditionally.

Don't get me wrong; Danny was an excellent father. He took his turn changing diapers and feeding the kids and consoling them when they got hurt. And when he bounced them up and down on his knee, I could see just how much he loved them and they him. If only Danny had loved me half as much as he did the children, perhaps I wouldn't be writing this today.

For the next five years, until both children began spending full days at school, our marriage floundered, but it didn't really bother me because the children managed to occupy my time completely. As I said before, I was a mother first and foremost above all else. But after the children began to go to school full-time, I had a large empty space in my day that I began to fill with hateful thoughts towards Danny and lustful thoughts towards other men. I was beginning to loathe myself for my perverse daydreams and I knew that I had to make a change very soon, so I managed to convince Danny that I needed to go back to school to refresh my occupational skills. After all, it had been nine years since I'd graduated from high school. We'd gotten married immediately after graduation and I'd gotten pregnant with Becky shortly thereafter. I'd never really had an opportunity to practice my learned skills in an actual workplace environment, and the inevitable result was that they had diminished significantly over the years. So Danny finally agreed with me and I enrolled in a two-year office administration course at the local community college. I felt a little uncomfortable being 27 years old and attending classes with 18, 19 and 20-year-old kids, but I quickly adapted and began to look forward to each new day. I hate to admit it, but if the truth be known, it also didn't hurt that I nearly creamed in my pants every day while ogling all the virile young studs on campus. In retrospect, I think that I may have been emotionally stunted by my bad marriage and from the isolation factor inherent in rearing children. I still felt like I was eighteen in my heart, although my body left no doubt in anyone's mind that I was all woman.