Some of you may remember my story of quite a while ago "Wonder Woman's Most Fulfilling Adventure." If not, I'd love you to read it, although it's not really necessary to understand this story. As the earlier story ended, our favorite Amazon Princess in the star-spangled tights was definitely out of the crime-fighting business. The busty ex-superheroine had just borne a daughter for the tribe's ancient enemy, Pan, and was facing a life of slavery, making more and more babies for the horny god.
Delicious as that was, it was only the first step in Pan's plot. The World of Men, without a strong feminine role model provided by Wonder Woman, was vulnerable to the scheme of Pan and his witch Queen Althea to reestablish traditional male dominance over women.
Word of the disappearance of her elder daughter, Diana has reached Paradise Island where Queen Hypolite, with great reluctance, is about to send her youngest daughter, Drucilla, to replace Wonder Woman. Before she sends her off, however, she REALLY reads her the riot act about "fooling around." We take up the story at that point.
"Geez, I know all that, Mom! I'll be OK, really," the excited teen exclaimed. "You've told me all that stuff before."
"Drucilla darling, it's not that I don't trust you, but it's just so important, now that Diana has disappeared. You are the only other Amazon that has ever visited the World of Men and only you can fill in until you find her. Things are going from bad to worse for women there. And it's all so mysterious. We think some Evil Power may have been involved in what happened to Diana."
"Gee, Mom, I don't see what's so mysterious. You know Diana has always been oversexed. You haven't seen her orgasming like crazy the way I have every time some two-bit evil genius ties her up and tries to climax her into submission or the way she grinds her hips back onto the tentacles of one of those plantamals that capture her and try to plant their seed in her. I think she just got tired of being a technical virgin all these centuries. Maybe she hadn't been violated and orgamsed silly in so long, she couldn't stand it any longer and shacked up with that Steve Trevor who had been trying to get into her pants for all these years. Probably she was getting it so good from ole Stevie, she just got a little careless and let him put a little bun in her oven. Then, when the shame of being a pregnant Wonder Woman got too bad, she fled into hiding. But don't worry, Mom, I'll find her."
"You may be right, my dear! But why at least didn't she come back here? We would have accepted her."
"Gosh, Mom, from the lectures you've given me all my life, I'll bet she didn't feel that an Amazon girl showing up back on Paradise Island with a big belly would exactly be welcomed with open arms."
"Oh, dear! Perhaps some of the blame does fall on me. But it IS more complicated than you think, darling. We've made inquires; her OB/GYN told us she was at least three months pregnant BEFORE she started sleeping with that <shudder> military mortal. Yet she had not lost her superpowers. Apparently she had been impregnated earlier, but without her having "given herself" to a man Her powers only started to fade when she began letting Col. Trevor... you know."
"'Fuck her,' mom. Can't you say 'fuck?' Steve was fucking her." Still, Dru was momentarily sobered.
"I'm just so worried, sending you off like this, dear. Besides not knowing what you're up against, you don't have much time. If you don't find Diana or at least take Diana's place until you do, Paradise Island is doomed," Drucillia's mother fretted.
"Huh?" Dru asked. "How could my failure in the World of Men -- not that I'm going to fail -- harm Paradise Island?"
"I've never told you or the others, but you have to know. We Amazons don't really own Paradise Island. The gods only extend our lease in return for the services of an Amazon. They want an Amazon to handle all the dirty little chores in the World of Men that the Gods would have to take care of otherwise. But now there is some guy who's rich as Croesius - Portes? Doors? Gates? -- that has offered Zeus billions for the place, wants to develop it as a Club Eros or something. To persuade him to let us stay long enough to give you a chance took everything I could do. And I do mean EVERYTHING."
"Mom! You don't mean you let him...?"
"'Fuck me,' Dru. Can't you say, 'fuck'? Zeus was fucking me weekly! Or should I say 'weakly?' Humph! The so-called 'Father of the Gods and Men' is definitely over the hill as a lover. The old boy could hardly get it up twice a day and only fucks for an hour or so before he looses it."
"Mother!" Dru could hardly believe her ears.
"Of course Hephaestus was even worse. A few friendly fucks weren't enough to persuade him to make you a new golden lasso and magic girdle. He insisted I take out my magic diaphragm so he could get me..."
"Mother, you don't mean..."
"Yes, Dru. There is going to be a new little Amazon on Paradise Island for the first time since your were a baby," Hypolite sighed, patting her tummy and not looking all that unhappy about the divine extortion. "At least Aphrodite had taught HIM a thing or two about how to please a woman. And with you going away, well, I guess it'll be nice to have another little girl around the palace."
'Just a minute, Mom!" Dru asked, wheals turning. "I was born just after Diana was sent to the World of Men. Does that mean that you..."
"Well, of course, How else do you think I got Hephaestus to make DIANA's lasso and girdle?"
Now that was quite a revelation, no? Perhaps before we get down to following Dru's exciting adventures in the World of Men, we should take a look at just what our Amazonette will face. Just as Pan planned, without our star-spangled superheroine, things have gotten pretty bad for women.
- All the summer movies have pregnancy themes: they have to. Few actresses younger than 60 can be found that are not pregnant, or nursing a newborn, or both.
- CNN women newscasters all are proudly toting bellies of different sizes. Debra Marcini, always a pioneer, nurses her six-month old on camera and invites viewers to guess the sex of the one she expecting next. Lou Dobbs just smiles proudly.
- The summer Olympics have special categories for pregnant pole-vaulters, knocked-up marathoners and mommy-to-be figure skaters. Of course, ratings just go through the roof when those 13 year-old girl gymnasts try to negotiate their big bellies over and around those parallel bars.
- The Miss America Beauty Pageant is forced to go all-preggo with special bonus points given for a "firm-contoured-well integrated baby mound".
- Production on teen soap operas on the WB and Fox becomes erratic owing to dozens of attractive nubile actresses in their ultra-fertile 20's getting knocked up.
- Ellen Degeneres and Melissa Etheridge announce they are splitting after a jealous row when they discover because they are both expecting a Harrison Ford baby!
- Madonna does a lovingly depicted barefoot-pregnant-and-chained-to-a-stove photo shoot for Rolling Stone.
- Major retailers have maternity brands: "The Mommy Republic," "The Bulge," and "Bloomin' Dale's."
- "Fitness" magazine has a "Fit Pregnancy" offspring.
-The faux-affectionate "air kiss" on the cheek of two women who meet has been replaced by a giggly mutual tummy bump/pat/check-out.
-The finals of women's tennis features the pregnant Venus and Sabrina Williams duo facing the similarly knocked up team of Martina Hingis and Anna Kournikova. A proud-as-a-peacock Jimmy Conners is rooting for the waddling Williams sisters while Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras are glaring suspiciously at each other in the other bleachers.
Drucilla only realized the full extent of the rot one evening as she tried to catch up on the news and found herself instead watching "Style, with Elsa Klensch." After what seemed like an eternity of assault from the CNN logo and jangling fanfare, the program opened with a pan of... a television studio. "Today, rather than take you to some exotic location I've decided there are quite enough examples of the newest in styles for us professional girls right here at home," intoned Ms Klensch in her trademark voice over.
The next half hour was surreal. It quickly became apparent what kind of fashions had suddenly come into vogue with the hard headed ladies of CNN. "Notice how the soft green prima cotton skirt flatters Ms. Voss's expanding figure while allowing those overloaded tits to bob ever so enticingly," Elsa pointed out. Indeed, The long-legged Vossie looked as if she had managed to get pregnant with triplets the day news of the Wonder Woman's disappearance hit the ticker. The smiling weather woman pirouetted in front of her maps most fetchingly, her short maternity skirt flying up and out to lay to rest any doubts viewers may have had about her being a natural redhead.
"Sissel McCarthy certainly looks perky in this hot pink mini-smock with matching heels, but frankly our viewers rather like the way she waddles onto the set and pushes her belly up to the news desk. Sissy, what do you find the most difficult part of holding down a demanding job like yours while waiting for your twins?"
"Gosh, Elsie, I don't know, but I guess it's those long stints on camera before John Metaxis can take me backstage and 'help me unwind,' <titter> if you know what I mean. Sometime I have to go for two or there hours without a good <bleep>"
.... There is more of this story ...