Lauren sighed; the feelings inside of her were overwhelming. She was afraid, not because of the feelings, for she did not know how to handle the feelings she was having. They were not new feelings, just stronger over the last couple of years.
Her need grew day by day, her frustration overwhelmed here. She was prone to bouts of depression, a side effect of her feelings.
Lauren was afraid to express those feelings to anyone, for fear of being rejected, for fear of being used. Her biggest fear was that she would never find the one thing she needed most in her life. The one thing she desired more than any thing in her life.
Lauren was a strong independent woman, with a high I.Q. She was above all a woman. She tended to trust people far too much and because of that had fallen into some very abusive relationships. Always the need was there, underlying any feelings she may have for her current lover. She was never completely satisfied with her lovers. They could not give her what she needed and she could not tell them. It just was not possible.
Lauren was without question a very beautiful woman. Outwardly she was engaging, with a sharp outlook on life. Her entire demeanor was feminine. She showed the signs of a woman that cared about the way she looked. At how she presented herself to the world.
Lauren had thick auburn hair that she wore pulled up about her head, exposing her bare neck. She wore clothes designed to accentuate her body, not expose or show it off. She was conservative in nature with opinions she longed to express to someone that would understand.
She was waiting for her date. She had met HIM through a friend of her sister. He was a little older then her twenty-nine years, thirteen years more. She didn't think it was going anywhere, she sensed he was amused by her, which angered her. He had not shown much of himself to her on their first date, but she had nothing better to do that night and he had been such a gentleman with her. The only time he actually touched her was to help her from the car and to gently touch the small of her back, guiding her to their table for dinner. He had made suggestions for dinner, and liked the fact that he listened to her when she talked. He did not shovel HIS food down as she talked. He listened to her and asked questions. Not prying questions, but she realized he was talking to her, it was a new experience for her.
What threw her was he not her type at all. He was not a handsome man, in the sense of a Greek statue or those pretty boys you see walking about all concerned with them selves.
No HE was quiet, not boisterous; HE didn't try to talk her into bed or leer at her.
He had very good manners and HE handled their waiter with a firmness that belied HIS appearance of quietness. That was what gave her a chill down the middle of her back. That was what caused a glimmer of excitement inside of her. She had felt that rush of heat, but held it back, not allowing it to surface.
HIS demeanor changed when he returned HIS attention to her. He was softer. More gentle. HIS smile was honest, she had looked down at HIS fingers, they were thick not overly long, the nails were cut short and clean.
When he looked at her with HIS soft brown eyes she had difficulty concentrating and at the end of their date she had almost blurted out her true nature to HIM. She had held back for some reason. Fear again of being betrayed and used. When Terry asked her out again, she readily agreed.
HE had not tried to get an invitation to come into her apartment with her, instead he had offered to open the door to her apartment. Then HE stepped back and allowed her to enter.
Terry had asked her out again. She readily agreed or some reason then shut her door.
That nagging feeling she always felt bothered her the rest of the night, she did not sleep well, her inner feelings were trying to run wild and she could not let them.
It was a week before their next date. In that time she had very little sleep and thought of nothing but the feelings that were trying to drive her insane. The funny thing was, they were not sexual feelings. Those ran a strong second however.
Saturday came; she spent the morning readying her self for HIM. Lauren took great care to apply her make-up carefully. She slid into her most frilly underwear and a simple cotton sundress. She debated about letting her hair fall about her shoulders or wearing it up as she normally did. In the end she wore it up.
She waited nervously for HIM to arrive. The agreed upon time was at one o'clock. When the clock struck one, there was knock on the door.
She opened the door and found HIM dressed in a simple button down shirt, tucked into the waist of a pair of khaki pants, he wore deck shoes and looked very comfortable.
She beamed when he smiled after looking her up and down. For no reason other than she was very happy to see HIM, she invited HIM inside.
He entered; she saw HIS eyes go to her bookcase. Then he smiled at her.
They sat down, he in a chair, she on the sofa. Hands clasped in her lap.
"I want to take you somewhere special Lauren, that is if you would like." He told her.
Her inner alarms were going off, she wanted to trust HIM, but for all the assholes that had hurt her, she could not.
"Why is it so special?" she asked touching her cheek. She didn't want HIM to see the mistrust in her eyes.
She started when he sat forward in the chair.
"Lauren, I know you don't know me. We have had one date that went rather well. Now you're a little apprehensive about going with me to a place you have no idea of. I want you to call someone you trust and tell them that you are going with me, we will be back between five and five thirty. I want you to feel free to end our date whenever you like, you can just walk away if you think I am going to hurt you or harm you. That is not my intention." He said in a very calm and direct voice.
Lauren felt her inner feelings jump a notch. HIS words touched something deep inside of her. She shook her head.
"I trust you." She said and much later that day she would find that they were the first three words that would lead her to the end of her quest. She would never forget those three little words. Three little words which were so small to say and mean so much.
"One thing however." He said standing and walking to the sofa.
Lauren stared up at HIM as he reached and pulled her hair free. He ran HIS fingers through her hair, HIS fingers fluffing it out and then touching her cheek gently.
The heat that soared through her made her flush and she smiled demurely up at HIM.
"That's better." He said smiling and offering HIS hand to help her up.
"You like it down?" she asked HIM nervously.
"I think you are the most beautiful woman I have met in my life Lauren. I have been thinking a lot about you. I kept wondering what you would look like with your hair down." He said reaching to touch her hair again, draping it over her shoulders.
Lauren felt her breath catch in her chest. The feelings were struggling to rise and overcome her. She held them back. Her fears were still greater than her needs. Lauren could not be abused again.
Her eyes slid from HIS gaze. Lauren turned away from HIM. "Am I dressed alright?" she asked.
"Perfectly." He said smiling at her.
Lauren had a million questions for HIM, but could not ask even one. Soft classical music filtered from the stereo system in HIS car, she as buckled in, the air conditioner was on and she found herself getting drowsy as he drove. Lauren looked at her hands, then at Terry as he drove.
She felt perfectly comfortable with HIM driving. Not even knowing where they were going. If only he was the type she was interested in. That was the last thought she had, before she fell asleep.
She awoke a little fuzzy brained. At first she wondered where she was. Then she remembered the remnants of the dream she had been having. She did not remember the content, only that it had been safe, warm and comfortable. Lauren turned her head and saw Terry navigating the car, he glanced over at her and smiled at her.
"Nice nap?" he asked her.
"Yes." She responded softly, she was still feeling that inner glow.
"You're a little flushed, would you like me to turn up the air conditioner dear?" he asked looking at her.
The term of endearment went through her like a flash of molten lava. Lauren heard herself whimper softly, she turned her head, afraid that he would see. She was afraid he would be able to see that need within her as so many men had. She did not want that again. Not this time.
It was an art fair he took her to. They walked through the displays and she didn't pull away when he put HIS hand around her waist to keep her close. She actually stepped a little closer to HIM, smiling not at HIM but at the people who looked at them as they walked through their midst.
They were looking at a small hand blown globe, with a milky interior and wavy designs through it. It had a purple haze about it, but she could not afford the $60.00 price.
Lauren sighed and sat the globe down. She was used to disappointment. She had been all her life. Trusting people only to be let down.
She gave Terry a little shrug and she thought if he offered to buy it, she would be very mad at HIM.
"How much can you afford?" he asked her softly as though reading her mind and she gasped a little.
She checked her wallet. She had forty dollars.
She showed HIM and he nodded to here. Then he called the vendor over. A woman with a sour smile and she watched as he spoke to the woman. Then saw the woman smile. The woman picked up the globe and began packing it away.
"I'm sorry honey," he said shrugging and turned back to the woman. She saw HIM pass the woman three twenties and she grew very angry.
Terry turned and stared at her.
"I did not buy this for you. I bought it for myself." He said tucking it under HIS arm.
Lauren didn't understand. He must have known how much it meant to her and he didn't even try to haggle with the old woman to lower the price.
She crossed her arms and walked about a foot from HIM.
She wasn't quite so sure about HIM anymore. Just as well he wasn't her type anyway.
"Oh just a minute." He said turning back to the booth.
Lauren sighed. Now what was he going to do? She wondered.
The old lady still stood there.
"Would you give me forty for this globe?" HE asked the woman who smiled and nodded.
Lauren watched as HE passed the globe back to the old woman and received two $20.00 dollar bills. Then watched as the old woman stuck a price tag of $40.00 on the globe.
"Okay, we can go now." HE said turning back to her.
Lauren looked at HIM and the old lady. Lauren broke into a big grin and passed the old lady her money. She took the globe. She hugged it to her chest.
Lauren stepped up and kissed Terry on the cheek.
"Thank you." She said softly.
"Your very welcome sweetie." HE said putting HIS arm around her and she snuggled up under HIS arm around her shoulders. They went to dinner at the art fair and she sat next to Terry, there were people performing and families with their children.
"I guess kids irritate you?" she asked HIM.
"No, not really, I used to be one and sometimes I think I still am at heart." HE said.
"I don't think I was ever a kid." She said softly.
"That's to bad, did you have strict parents?" HE asked her.
Lauren shrugged. "Not strict, they just didn't have time for kids." She said.
"Kind of got lost in the shuffle?" HE asked.
Lauren nodded. "I had two step brothers and a real brother. My dad didn't have time for a girl." She said wondering why she was telling Terry any of this; it was like opening her walled gates a little.
Terry reached over and pulled her hair back so HE could see her face. Lauren felt her tummy drop. That flush began to creep up her neck and face.
"I'm sorry honey." HE said and gave her a big hug. Lauren tensed and then relaxed against HIM, taking in HIS smell. She put her arms around HIM and she found herself weeping. Something she never did. What was it about this man that caused her to want to just open the doors wide and let HIM see.
She cried into HIS chest and HE didn't try to stop her, she just leaned against HIM and let twenty-nine years of frustration, fear and loathing escape her. Every abuse she had endured, every insult, every strange look. That feeling of self-hatred just came flooding out. Terry just held her and stroked her hair. HE didn't ask her what was the matter or what the problem was and when she finally stopped and pulled back from HIM, HE was wiping her tears with a napkin. She tried to take it from HIM and HE gently pushed her hands away.
On the ride back into the city she rested her hand on HIS arm, that need in her was so close to exposing itself to this man that she just stared at HIM. She watched HIS face by the glow of the dashboard lights.
She would tell HIM when HE took her home; she would invite HIM in and explain to HIM. She would see if HE fit her little profile. Her list to push men away from her.
Again HE opened the door for her and she entered. But did not turn to face HIM, she walked over and turned on a lamp.
She heard the door shut.
Lauren smiled as she sat her globe down. She had the perfect spot for it.
"Would you like something to drink?" she asked still not turning around. HE would see that need in her, that deepest recess that she kept pushed down inside of her. But she felt HE would be able to see it and it frightened her.
"Yes, thank you Lauren, that would be nice." HE said from behind her.
Lauren went into her small kitchen. She didn't have much in the way of social drinking.
"Lauren, would you happen to have a soda?" HE asked from the living room.
"Is diet okay?" she asked.
"That will do." HE said and the way HE said it made the little chills run up and down her spine again.
Lauren fixed two glasses with ice and bought them out. HE did not offer to help her and she smiled again as she sat the soda down on the small table beside HIM.
He looked up at her from HIS sitting position.
"Thank you honey." HE said and the chills danced up and down her spine.
Lauren sat opposite Terry. Then she crossed her legs at the knee and sipped at her soda.
"Jennifer told me you have your own company?" she asked.
HE smiled and nodded HIS head.
"I started when I was twenty-five. Built it up and now I have a certain amount of freedom to do what I want." HE said sipping at HIS own drink.
"That must be nice, not to have to worry about money all the time." She said softly.
HE laughed. "Lauren it doesn't matter how much money you have, it is never enough." HE said.
She smiled even more.
"Do you like classical music?" she asked.
"I like it very much, I like all kinds of music, I guess it depends on the mood I'm in." HE said.
"Have you ever been, married?" she asked HIM.
HE shook HIS head. "Never found the right woman before." HE said and eyed her.
There went those chills again. It was like HE was reading her mind.
"Someday I would like to travel. When I'm older." She added.
"I've always wanted to go to Europe." HE said.
Lauren brightened. "Me too." She said.
They were quiet for a bit and then Lauren decided to venture out just a little.
"You have a very strong personality." She said softly, she raised her eyes to meet HIS.
HE studied her for quite some time as though making HIS own mind up about something. "Lauren stand up." HE said, HIS voice firm and commanding.
Lauren did not hesitate as she stood up, her hands at her sides.
"Tell me Lauren. Tell me what it is you have been dying to let out since I met you." HE said.
Lauren tried she really tried, but all the years of keeping it hidden would not allow her to voice her desires.
"Lauren, I will understand, but I have to hear you tell me. Now tell me what it is." HE ordered her.
Lauren was in inner turmoil. She needed to tell HIM, she wanted to tell HIM and she had to tell HIM.
"I have..." she began and shook her head.
"I need to have...someone...a man...control my behavior." She said so softly that she hardly heard herself. She could not look at Terry.
"You wish to give up control to a man?" Terry asked her.
Lauren nodded her head. She couldn't breathe; she could not look at this man before her. She knew the look she would see. She had seen it in the eyes of men before. That realization that they had control over her and they could use her and abuse her as they saw fit.
"You may sit." HE commanded her.
"Lauren, I want you to go to your bedroom and strip." HE said.
Lauren stood; tears flowed down her face. HE was going to take advantage of her.
She went to her room and left the door open, she undressed and stood in the darkened room.
"Lauren, get ready for bed honey." He told her from the doorway, he was admiring her body and she felt HIS eyes on her.
Lauren whimpered deep in her throat. She put on her nightgown then sat on the edge of the bed.
"Lauren, get into bed." HE ordered her.
Lauren got under the covers and waited for HIM to do what HE wanted.
She felt HIS presence as HE leaned over and kissed her forehead. He pulled the covers up over her.
"Lauren. I want you to listen to me. I understand your need. I understand your desire. I knew who your were the first time we went out. I was unsure if you understood your feelings. I did not want to frighten you away by coming on to strong. But know this honey. I will not use you or abuse you. I will not lie to you and I will not hurt you intentionally. I want you to feel comfortable with me first." HE said and rubbed Lauren's shoulder.
Then she heard HIM leave and then the front door close. She closed her eyes feeling warm and happy. Maybe she had found someone to serve.
Lauren sat at her computer at work, smiling happily. She had been awaked to a telephone ringing, it had been HIM and she had smiled when HE spoke to her.
"Good morning baby girl." HE had said and she felt the familiar tingles.
"Good morning." She said unsure what to call HIM.
"Lauren, I want you to forgo your panties today." HE said softly.
Lauren gasped. "Alright." She said hesitantly.
"Lauren, you're a very good little girl honey. You do want to please me don't you?" HE asked.
"Oh yes Terry, I do." She cried realizing what HE was doing now.
"Sweetie, I think you should call me Sir, can you do that for me?" HE asked her as though talking to a child.
"Yes Sir, of course Sir." She said. Lauren almost floated out the door to work and now she sat wondering if anyone knew that she had no underwear on.
Along about three, she got a call.
"Lauren." HIS voice said.
"Yes Sir." She said happily.
"I want you to meet me for dinner." HE said.
"Yes Sir." She said.
"I will pick you up, be outside waiting." HE ordered her.
"I need to finish up a few..." she began.
"Lauren, when I give you an order, you do not question it, understand?" HE asked, HIS voice harsh.
Lauren was crushed and she didn't know why, but she felt her happiness slide away.
"Yes Sir, I'm sorry Sir." She said softly.
"Lauren, you're a good girl, you just need guidance. Meet me outside at five." HE said and she heard a click and then silence.
Lauren felt like she wanted to cry. Why she didn't know, she had failed HIM in some way, she felt.
Lauren stood outside, her eyes scanning the road, the parking lot. She checked her watch, she had hurried and hoped HE had not came and left. It was two minutes after when she had gotten downstairs. Then she saw HIM walking towards her and she brightened. HE was here; HE was coming to get her.
She tried not to watch HIM approach, she kept her eyes lowered, but kept glancing up at HIM, she wanted to jump and skip about, but didn't think HE would appreciate it much.
"Hello Lauren." HE greeted her with a simple kiss to her cheek.
"Hello Sir." She responded.
HE brushed her hair back from her face. She had worn it down; HE seemed to like that.
"Your very beautiful Lauren." HE said smiling at her.
"Thank you Sir." She said and put her hand out to smooth HIS tie down.
She looked into HIS eyes. HE was smiling at her as HE took her arm. She slid her arm through HIS.
Terry opened the car door for her and she slid in. HE carefully shut the door, her eyes never leaving HIM as HE walked around the front of the car and around to the passenger door.
Lauren sighed deeply. HE might be her type, she thought.
Lauren was walking air the next couple of weeks, and always HE ended their dates by having her strip, get ready for bed and HE would tuck her in. HE was gentle in scolding her, and it seemed HE knew all her soft spots, what would send her inner soul burning.
Lauren also knew HE like her to wear her hair down and HE didn't like so much make-up, she began dressing to please HIM, she began talking to please HIM, her whole demeanor had changed. She dreamed of HIM. She thought about HIM at work, she could not wait for five to come around. She had learned to maximize her time so she got her work done. HE sometimes called and sometimes didn't. She was always sad when he did not call, it meant she would not be seeing HIM that night.
She went three days without hearing HIS voice and it drove her crazy. She needed HIS assurance. She needed HIS guidance. She needed HIM.
Lauren checked her watch for the umpteenth time that day; to make sure it was working. She jumped every time her phone rang. She was sad when it was not HIS voice she heard.
"Hello?" she asked softly.
"Hello sweetie, I missed you." HE said and her heart leaped for joy within her chest.
"I...I missed you to Sir." She gasped. Lauren could not believe it, she was getting moist and her nipples had sprung to attention.
"I know honey. Would you like to see me tonight?" HE asked her.
"Oh yes, Yes Sir." She almost squealed.
"Lauren, I want you to go home from work and I want you to prepare yourself for me. Tonight I will show you what it is you have been hiding from your entire life." HE said in that voice that just sent tremors through her.
"Yes Sir." She said and then thought.
"Sir?" she asked.
"Yes my dear?" HE asked with a chuckle.
"Sir, may I ask what I should be wearing?" she asked.
"Why honey, nothing at all." HE laughed.
Lauren gasped and then flushed.
"Yes Sir." She replied.
Lauren stood uncertain as to what she should do, so she clasped her hands before her and waited.
She stood naked in her living room. Her long auburn hair cascading down her shoulders. She had spent far to long getting ready. But she wanted to be perfect for HIM. She knew now HE was the one.
Lauren jumped at the soft knock. She gulped, what if it wasn't HIM, she would die from embarrassment.
Lauren took a deep breath, her nipples were straining and her breath was quick. She was on fire with need. She needed HIM.