In the last month my life has undergone some big changes. The way I think about relationships and sex has been flipped upside down. Since going through this change has been such an exhilarating experience, I thought I might share it with some of the anonymous strangers out on the net.
I'll start with some background so that you can better understand what has happened. I am a married 25 year old aerobics instructor and personal trainer at a gym in suburban Austin, Texas. My husband is working on a PHD in chemical engineering at the University of Texas here in town. We got married when we were undergraduate students and have scrimped and slaved ever since to make ends meet. Next year, once he finishes his degree, we will be much better off. He already has some offers for great jobs.
I have a degree in physical education. It turned out that teaching gym classes in the public school system wasn't going to bring in enough money to keep us alive, so I started teaching aerobics and got myself certified as a personal trainer. The work is pretty mindless, but it is fun and it lets me stay in shape. I make pretty good money. The women want to hire me to work with them because they think that I can help them look like me, in spite of genetics and years of bad eating and no exercise. The guys hire me because I'm cute and they like to look at me.
I am 5'6" tall and weigh 110 pounds. I keep my blonde hair cut short so that it is easy to manage at work. I am very slim, with small breasts, but I attract plenty of looks at the gym and on those rare occasions when my husband, Matt, and I go out to party.
We don't actually get out much. Between his teaching load, his research work, and the time he has to spend writing, Matt just about lives on campus from morning 'til night. The last year has been a real crusher. His schedule and my work have cut into our social life greatly. We used to hit Sixth Street for music and dancing just about every weekend. Any more it is once every other month or so, and even then we have to quit early.
Our sex life has also become more tepid. When we were first going together we explored the realm of sexual possibilities together. We both had been with previous lovers, but they were of the nature of high school fumbling. We had never had the time or confidence to really explore sex before we started going out with each other. We tried all kinds of "normal" positions and practices, then we graduated on to some role play, exhibitionism, semi-public sex (one of my favorites, I love the thrill from being able to be caught), we even tried a little rope and dominance. We had a blast trying new things and being naughty together. Then things started to slow back as our schedules filled.
I guess what happened over the next four years is pretty common. We gradually stopped playing games and settled into routine lovemaking. Over the last year or so the frequency of even the routine sex has diminished. The pressures of school really take it out of Matt. I stay horny all the time lately. I don't want to pressure him any more than he is already pressured, so I don't try to force the issue. I just get real friendly with the shower massage to take the edge off.
In our relationship, I tend to be the one to make decisions. I have always had a pretty strong personality. Matt has always been pretty laid back and quiet. I wouldn't say that he is submissive to my dominance, but in general, I am the more forceful outgoing person with the dominant personality.
That is where our lives were when this whole thing started. The actual starting point was the afternoon when I was put up flyers for a new exercise class for athletes. I was tired of working with couch potatoes most of the time and had come up with the idea for a workout group aimed at supplemental training for some of the athletes at the gym. I thought it would be nice to help some people who were serious about working out.
In addition to dates and times and my cell phone number, I put my E-mail address on the flyer. I still remember thinking that it was neat to be part of the e-age when I made the flyer. Cell phones and e-mail were necessary even for a lowly fitness trainer. I had a cute e-mail address and looked forward to starting to receive messages.
The very next day I had a few notes from a couple of interested people. It looked like my idea would work out. When I got to the last message, I was in for a surprise. It was from James5432@hotmail.com: FROM: James5432@hotmail.com TO: Get_ in_Shape@hotmail.com SUBJECT: You
Kim, I was so happy to find an e-mail address for you. I have seen you at the gym over the past months and cannot get you out of my mind. You are obviously a very bright and talented person who puts a lot of herself into your work.
I understand you are married. He is a lucky fellow to be able to see and touch your naked body.
You are a beautiful person with much potential. You obviously haven't learned to let go of yourself enough to realize that potential. You obviously need a firm hand to guide you into fulfilling your latent promise. I know that deep inside you is a person who needs to give complete control to someone else. I also know that is the last thing you want to admit to yourself.
My name is not really James. You won't know who is sending this note to you. Does that excite you at all? Just think, I am just an anonymous fan who can see through your facade. Every contact you have with a man will be tainted by the question "Is he the one?".
The possibilities will excite you, I'm sure. I bet that for the next week or so your pretty body will respond to every man you meet in a sexual fashion.
I was flabbergasted. It was certainly flattering to know I could have that kind of impact on someone. I like to show off and see guys react. It makes me feel sexy. At the same time, this was a little creepy. Was this guy some kind of stalker? I deleted the note and decided to be careful in parking lots for a while.
I looked for "James" for the next couple of weeks. At one point or another, every guy at the gym became either my secretly lusting lover or a deranged pervert out to get me. It just depended on how I felt about the guy. If he was attractive or cute he fell into the first category. I put everyone else into the other category.
I found myself excited and turned on constantly. The specter of my admirer tainted just about every contact I had with men. I was dripping wet with excitement by the time I made it home every day. The old standby shower massage worked overtime. Even Matt got some extra sex and loving. The next message from James came two weeks after the first. FROM: James5432@hotmail.com TO: Get_ in_Shape@hotmail.com SUBJECT: You
Kim, Thanks for wearing the white leotard again this week. It pleases me that you responded to my interests. You seem a bit more alive the last couple of weeks. There is a glow about you. Could it be that I have piqued your interest? Are you just a little excited wondering who I might really be? We have spoken since I sent you my last note. It was very titillating for me to talk with you.
I have been watching you for a while. I have seen you interact with any number of people. I managed to ask a couple of people about you. In doing all of this, I have been coloring in a picture of just who you are. One common thread I have noticed is that you are a real "take charge" type of person. You can be very controlling. My guess is that you like to be the one to initiate sex with your husband. You probably control the pace and activities as well. I think you do it very subtly, mind you. I don't see the extra swagger that would tell me you are overtly domineering in bed. However, you do have the mannerisms of someone who prefers to set the pace of activities.
I can't help but wonder if you have ever given up control, surrendered yourself to someone else. You know, you can't really exert true control without having experienced true submission.
I don't want to harass you, and I can understand your reticence to reply to me. If you want me to stop corresponding with you, just don't wear your sexy white outfit for me next week. It is like a safe word for you. I'll go away.
I couldn't believe the things James had said to me. At first I was indignant and angry. The effrontery of discussing something so intimate and personal as my sexual preferences was highly disturbing. Even more disturbing was that he wasn't far off the mark. The accuracy of his comments frightened and angered me. The embarrassment of someone seeing what I thought were well hidden little fantasies was all but painful. There was no way I would encourage this person to think anything would ever go further.
I needed to respond and try to get control of the situation. I ripped out a nasty little note: FROM: Get_ in_Shape@hotmail.com TO: James5432@hotmail.com SUBJECT: Re: You
Please stop sending me your sordid little fantasies. I am not interested in them or you. You obviously need help in dealing with severe psychological problems. If you persist in sending these notes, I will contact your ISP and the authorities. Then you can try your amateur psychobabble out on fellow inmates.
If I could scare this person away, I might be able to put this whole little disturbing thing behind me and go on with my life, keeping my happy little fantasies boxed away where they belong.
.... There is more of this story ...