In the last month my life has undergone some big changes. The way I think about relationships and sex has been flipped upside down. Since going through this change has been such an exhilarating experience, I thought I might share it with some of the anonymous strangers out on the net.
I'll start with some background so that you can better understand what has happened. I am a married 25 year old aerobics instructor and personal trainer at a gym in suburban Austin, Texas. My husband is working on a PHD in chemical engineering at the University of Texas here in town. We got married when we were undergraduate students and have scrimped and slaved ever since to make ends meet. Next year, once he finishes his degree, we will be much better off. He already has some offers for great jobs.
I have a degree in physical education. It turned out that teaching gym classes in the public school system wasn't going to bring in enough money to keep us alive, so I started teaching aerobics and got myself certified as a personal trainer. The work is pretty mindless, but it is fun and it lets me stay in shape. I make pretty good money. The women want to hire me to work with them because they think that I can help them look like me, in spite of genetics and years of bad eating and no exercise. The guys hire me because I'm cute and they like to look at me.
I am 5'6" tall and weigh 110 pounds. I keep my blonde hair cut short so that it is easy to manage at work. I am very slim, with small breasts, but I attract plenty of looks at the gym and on those rare occasions when my husband, Matt, and I go out to party.
We don't actually get out much. Between his teaching load, his research work, and the time he has to spend writing, Matt just about lives on campus from morning 'til night. The last year has been a real crusher. His schedule and my work have cut into our social life greatly. We used to hit Sixth Street for music and dancing just about every weekend. Any more it is once every other month or so, and even then we have to quit early.
Our sex life has also become more tepid. When we were first going together we explored the realm of sexual possibilities together. We both had been with previous lovers, but they were of the nature of high school fumbling. We had never had the time or confidence to really explore sex before we started going out with each other. We tried all kinds of "normal" positions and practices, then we graduated on to some role play, exhibitionism, semi-public sex (one of my favorites, I love the thrill from being able to be caught), we even tried a little rope and dominance. We had a blast trying new things and being naughty together. Then things started to slow back as our schedules filled.
I guess what happened over the next four years is pretty common. We gradually stopped playing games and settled into routine lovemaking. Over the last year or so the frequency of even the routine sex has diminished. The pressures of school really take it out of Matt. I stay horny all the time lately. I don't want to pressure him any more than he is already pressured, so I don't try to force the issue. I just get real friendly with the shower massage to take the edge off.
In our relationship, I tend to be the one to make decisions. I have always had a pretty strong personality. Matt has always been pretty laid back and quiet. I wouldn't say that he is submissive to my dominance, but in general, I am the more forceful outgoing person with the dominant personality.
That is where our lives were when this whole thing started. The actual starting point was the afternoon when I was put up flyers for a new exercise class for athletes. I was tired of working with couch potatoes most of the time and had come up with the idea for a workout group aimed at supplemental training for some of the athletes at the gym. I thought it would be nice to help some people who were serious about working out.
In addition to dates and times and my cell phone number, I put my E-mail address on the flyer. I still remember thinking that it was neat to be part of the e-age when I made the flyer. Cell phones and e-mail were necessary even for a lowly fitness trainer. I had a cute e-mail address and looked forward to starting to receive messages.
The very next day I had a few notes from a couple of interested people. It looked like my idea would work out. When I got to the last message, I was in for a surprise. It was from James5432@hotmail.com: FROM: James5432@hotmail.com TO: Get_ in_Shape@hotmail.com SUBJECT: You
Kim, I was so happy to find an e-mail address for you. I have seen you at the gym over the past months and cannot get you out of my mind. You are obviously a very bright and talented person who puts a lot of herself into your work.
I understand you are married. He is a lucky fellow to be able to see and touch your naked body.
You are a beautiful person with much potential. You obviously haven't learned to let go of yourself enough to realize that potential. You obviously need a firm hand to guide you into fulfilling your latent promise. I know that deep inside you is a person who needs to give complete control to someone else. I also know that is the last thing you want to admit to yourself.
My name is not really James. You won't know who is sending this note to you. Does that excite you at all? Just think, I am just an anonymous fan who can see through your facade. Every contact you have with a man will be tainted by the question "Is he the one?".
The possibilities will excite you, I'm sure. I bet that for the next week or so your pretty body will respond to every man you meet in a sexual fashion.
I was flabbergasted. It was certainly flattering to know I could have that kind of impact on someone. I like to show off and see guys react. It makes me feel sexy. At the same time, this was a little creepy. Was this guy some kind of stalker? I deleted the note and decided to be careful in parking lots for a while.
I looked for "James" for the next couple of weeks. At one point or another, every guy at the gym became either my secretly lusting lover or a deranged pervert out to get me. It just depended on how I felt about the guy. If he was attractive or cute he fell into the first category. I put everyone else into the other category.
I found myself excited and turned on constantly. The specter of my admirer tainted just about every contact I had with men. I was dripping wet with excitement by the time I made it home every day. The old standby shower massage worked overtime. Even Matt got some extra sex and loving. The next message from James came two weeks after the first. FROM: James5432@hotmail.com TO: Get_ in_Shape@hotmail.com SUBJECT: You
Kim, Thanks for wearing the white leotard again this week. It pleases me that you responded to my interests. You seem a bit more alive the last couple of weeks. There is a glow about you. Could it be that I have piqued your interest? Are you just a little excited wondering who I might really be? We have spoken since I sent you my last note. It was very titillating for me to talk with you.
I have been watching you for a while. I have seen you interact with any number of people. I managed to ask a couple of people about you. In doing all of this, I have been coloring in a picture of just who you are. One common thread I have noticed is that you are a real "take charge" type of person. You can be very controlling. My guess is that you like to be the one to initiate sex with your husband. You probably control the pace and activities as well. I think you do it very subtly, mind you. I don't see the extra swagger that would tell me you are overtly domineering in bed. However, you do have the mannerisms of someone who prefers to set the pace of activities.
I can't help but wonder if you have ever given up control, surrendered yourself to someone else. You know, you can't really exert true control without having experienced true submission.
I don't want to harass you, and I can understand your reticence to reply to me. If you want me to stop corresponding with you, just don't wear your sexy white outfit for me next week. It is like a safe word for you. I'll go away.
I couldn't believe the things James had said to me. At first I was indignant and angry. The effrontery of discussing something so intimate and personal as my sexual preferences was highly disturbing. Even more disturbing was that he wasn't far off the mark. The accuracy of his comments frightened and angered me. The embarrassment of someone seeing what I thought were well hidden little fantasies was all but painful. There was no way I would encourage this person to think anything would ever go further.
I needed to respond and try to get control of the situation. I ripped out a nasty little note: FROM: Get_ in_Shape@hotmail.com TO: James5432@hotmail.com SUBJECT: Re: You
Please stop sending me your sordid little fantasies. I am not interested in them or you. You obviously need help in dealing with severe psychological problems. If you persist in sending these notes, I will contact your ISP and the authorities. Then you can try your amateur psychobabble out on fellow inmates.
If I could scare this person away, I might be able to put this whole little disturbing thing behind me and go on with my life, keeping my happy little fantasies boxed away where they belong.
Friday morning of the next week I was getting my gym clothes together. When I opened my drawer, I saw my white outfit. The one that guy had been talking about. I had deliberately not worn it all week. I thought about it for a minute and decided to wear the outfit. I wouldn't let some stranger decide what I could and couldn't wear. Besides, I made my thoughts very clear in my E-mail to him. FROM: James5432@hotmail.com TO: Get_in_Shape@hotmail.com SUBJECT: White Tights!
I saw you in the tights again. You looked lovely.
I understand the conflicts within you. You need control of what is happening, yet you are attracted to the things I have hinted at. It is understandable. Rest assured. I can read you very well.
By giving up the control, you free yourself to experience the fullness of the moment. There is no need to wonder about what to do next, your partners satisfaction, or anything other than the feelings you are experiencing at any given moment. You can fully experience the "now", and in doing so become a creature of the senses.
I know that somewhere inside you is a sensual wanton creature. You have maintained the mask of a proper lady so long that you actually fear what you most need and desire - the freedom to be that sensual wanton creature. The conflict between the lady and that creature must be difficult.
If you really want me to go away, just don't wear the white tights next week. In the mean time, think about the things I have said. You'll know I'm right.
Until next week,
As I sat at my desk in my bedroom and read this note, I felt my stomach tighten. The effect this stranger had on me was frightening. It was like he could see into the dark corners of my mind. I caught myself squeezing my crossed legs together rhythmically. I was on the verge of an orgasm just sitting there reading this guys note.
I didn't know what to do. I was all but paralyzed with indecision. Over the course of a couple of little E-mail notes, this stranger managed to kick out the props holding up a false self image. I couldn't share this with Matt. He was so involved in his dissertation. Besides, I was always the one to take initiative.
I spent the weekend thinking about what to do. I finally decided to ride this a little farther. I could always just stop. Maybe I could get control of my world with a little interaction with "James". On Monday morning I sat in front of my computer and tried to compose a note. FROM: Get_ in_Shape@hotmail.com TO: James5432@hotmail.com SUBJECT: Re: White Tights!
Some of what you have said to me may have a grain of truth to it. I would be interested in talking with you about what you have said. Can we meet and talk?
The response from James surprised me. FROM: James5432@hotmail.com TO: Get_ in_Shape@hotmail.com SUBJECT: White Tights!
Your note was amusing. You cannot regain what you have lost by meeting with me under your conditions. You should not try. Limiting your desires only weakens them.
If you are truly interested in exploring this side of you, you know what to do.
That son-of-a-bitch! He managed to see right through my plan. He knew me so well. I was scared. How could I let go? How could I meet his terms? Did I want to meet those terms? I was back in a quandary.
It was with a shaky hand that I drew my white tights from their place in my bureau drawer the next day. I knew that by wearing them I was overtly admitting to something I had long denied. Admitting to myself that there was a hidden side of me was not easy. The admission gave it reality.
The admission also had other effects, as well. I spent the day in a state of hyper self-awareness. I was in touch with my body as I ran the aerobics classes. It was as if is was personally familiar with each individual muscle as I moved. I felt every follicle move and tug as I turned my head and shook my hair. Each breath like liquid oxygen filling my lungs. Knowing that at some point in the day he would see the white tights and know they were a sign of me passing control to James had supercharged my senses.
At the same time that this increased self awareness was coursing through me, I was pretty disassociated with the world around me. I could barely maintain a conversation with co-workers at the gym. After my aerobics class there are usually a handful of people who come up and chat with me. It was all I could do to smile and respond. I knew that someone would see me in those white tights today and know what they meant. Every time I saw a new face I wondered if it were James.
Three long days went by before he sent another note. It was just as the edge from my self admission was starting to wear off. The normalcy of life was replacing the hunger. Then I got this note: FROM: James5432@hotmail.com TO: Get_ in_Shape@hotmail.com SUBJECT: Monday
I was pleased to see you in your white tights. I knew you would wear them.
I could see what you were going through the last few days. Exciting, isn't it? If you are ready for the next step, just go to tanning booth # 4 after you have showered and dressed to leave tomorrow.
This would be another step, a big one. I didn't know if I could do it. What would I find in the booth. Certainly there wasn't much he could do there. It was fairly public. There was a little hallway upstairs at the gym. One side of it looked out over the racquetball courts, the other had five or six tanning booths. The booths were basically little closets with tanning beds and a locking door. Gym members paid to get a token to run the beds. As an employee, I could get them for free.
The next morning I resolved to go to the booth and see what I found. I knew that any loud noise would bring someone to my rescue. I knew that I would be relatively safe there. At the same time, the ease with which James had seen through me led me to quietly believe that I would find exactly what was afraid of and wanted.
The day seemed to drag. When the last class was over I rushed to the locker room, ignoring the chatty Kathy social butterflies that stayed to talk. I showered quickly, but took the time to put on make up, fix my hair, and use scented baby powder on my skin before dressing. I had chosen a light summer dress that buttoned from neck to hem. By leaving a couple of buttons open at the bottom, I could show a little leg when I walked. As I packed my things in my bag I realized that my hands were shaking and that I was almost hyperventilating.
I stood in front of the mirror and caught my breath. I looked myself over. I wondered how many people that saw what I was looking at and recognized the lady or the tramp. James had seen the tramp, even when I couldn't let myself see her. Now I did, though. I hoped the difference was not so visible to everyone.
I took my bag and went to the front desk where Sherry gave me a token for the tanning bed. As I started up the stairs I felt totally buzzed. My ears were singing. I was panting like I had been working out hard. I paused at the door to booth four. It was open, the lights were out. There was no sign of anyone being around.
I entered the room and closed the door without turning on the light. I paused and composed myself before switching it on. Slowly, I turned and found... an empty room. I was alone. I looked around and found a small manila envelope on the tanning bed. With trembling hands, I opened it to find a black blindfold mask and a folded note. The note's had written instructions pointed the way to the next step. Kim,
Welcome. I am pleased you are joining me.
I noticed you were a bit distracted today. I will make sure that there are no distractions for you for the next half hour or so. You will find yourself totally focused on the here and now.
Follow these instructions carefully.
1. Remember that throughout this little exercise your consent is
necessary. You can stop it at any time by simply saying "halt".
There is no penalty. I will immediately stop and leave.
You will never hear from me again.
2. Strip and place your clothes neatly in the corner.
3. Turn the chair so that the front of it is against the wall
opposite the door.
4. Turn the light off and open the door a crack.
5. Put the mask over your eyes and place your hands on the back
of the chair. Walk your feet back until you are bent over.
Wait for me.
6. You are not to speak or move your hands from the chair at any
point during our encounter.
7. Failure to comply with my instructions will result in me leaving.
I was trembling all over as I removed my clothes. I debated with myself as to which corner to place them. Finally, recognizing stalling for what it is, I stacked the clothes and put the chair into position. With the mask in one hand I turned out the light. I was in a state of high arousal. My nipples were hard and standing out. My pussy was wet to the point of wetting my upper thighs. James had seen this in me.
I opened the door a crack. Light crept into the room. I pulled the mask down and reached for the chair. Nothing happened. I waited. I could smell the disinfectants used to clean the equipment. I could hear the squeak and bang of a racquetball game from the other side of the hallway. After a long wait, at least what seemed like a long wait, I felt the air move across my body and heard the rustle of someone moving into the room.
For just a moment I felt shear terror. What if it was Sherry coming to check on me? How would I explain what I was doing? What if it was just some member looking for a tan? I was on the verge of standing up and turning when I heard the door shut. There was a click as the light switch was turned on. Then there was silence. I knew it had to be him. Anyone else would have said something by now. I waited.
"Very nice, Kim," said a pleasant voice. I didn't recognize it. "You see, you have been ready for this for some time. You are lovely this way."
I felt a surge of pleasure. I had impressed Him.
"What next? That is what is going through your mind, I know," the voice continued. Will I hit you? Will I drip hot wax on you? Will I fix clamps to your nipples?"
His voice paused. I pondered what he had just said. I had never even thought about those things. I didn't expect anything quite so... B/D. What would I do if he struck me? Would he really stop? If he stopped, how would I reconcile the new side of myself I was discovering.
He chuckled, "I know what you are thinking. I can see it in your posture. I can feel it emanating from you. I can read you like a book, Kim. I will do all of those things to you, but not today. Today you get to take the first step. A baby step, really. Even if it feels Brobdingnagian."
I shifted my weight slightly. The crouch I was in was starting to be a little uncomfortable. As I finished moving, I felt a hand on my ankle. He moved my feet into a more comfortable position.
"Yes, I even know when you aren't comfortable. Any discomfort you feel is to be from me, not because you don't know how to position yourself. Now, I want you to concentrate on simply feeling. Feel your skin, feel your body. Feel as I touch you."
I felt something touch the back of my calf. It was a hard object, like a pen or unsharpened pencil. It slowly moved up the back of my leg to the crease below my butt. Then it was pulled away and moved up the other leg. Goose bumps ran up my back. Then the object touched the inside of my left ankle and slowly moved up my leg. As it moved up the curve of the inside of my thigh I felt my knees pull a part - welcoming the intruder to my most private anatomy. As it neared my pussy I realized I could smell my own arousal. Just as it came close to my pussy, he pulled it away and started on the other ankle.
"You are dripping down your legs, Kim. Did you realize that? Can you feel your juices on your thighs?"
Slowly, the object ran over my entire body, avoiding my pussy and breasts. He touched my arms, belly, back, and legs. The more he touched me, the more aware of his touch I became. I ceased to exist except for his touch.
"I can see that you are becoming more and more aroused, little one. You have given yourself to me. I am making you aroused. You have let me take control. You have done what I asked. For that, I think I will reward you. You have earned the right to feel me touching you."
The hard object was pulled away. There was a moment of anticipation. Then I felt his hand on my calf. It slowly moved up the back of my leg. I trembled with excitement at the touch of his flesh on mine. It didn't matter that I had no idea who was touching me. It didn't matter that I had never seen or spoken to this person. He knew me like no other could. He brought me to a peak of excitement that is hard to begin to describe, simply by gently moving his hand up my leg.
He followed the same pattern with his hand as he had with the little hard object earlier. I reveled in his touch. I was raising on my toes and arching my back, pressing my pussy back against the air behind me. I was gasping for breath.
As he moved his hand down my back he said, "Kim, I want you to cum when I tell you to. You are right on the edge. All you have to do is let yourself go. Feel my hand as it cups your beautiful butt."
I moaned and pushed into his hand on my ass. It was heaven to feel him touch me there.
"I have been watching your little breasts move as you stand there. They are lovely. I love your nipples. They look so tight and hard right now. I bet they have never been slapped with a crop. You will enjoy that when the time comes."
I shivered. Anything he said at this point was erotic and exciting to me. I was an instrument for him to play.
"Feel my hand as it slides between your legs. Feel my other hand as it grasps your nipple. It is time, Kim. Come for me NOW!"
As he said that he pinched both my nipple and clit with enormous force. The pain/pleasure overwhelmed me. I had a shuddering orgasm. I felt tears in my eyes as I gasped at the feelings I was experiencing. It was all I could do to keep my hands on the back of the chair.
"There you go, Kim. My gift to you. An understanding of what you are capable of in the right hands," he said as I gasped and sobbed. "You have great potential. Not many people can give of themselves so completely to a new master. Your mind is a wonderfully sensitive erogenous zone. We will have a great deal of fun together."
I was still rocking from the reverberation of my orgasm. I had never felt anything so good before.
"Watch your E-mail. I will tell you what is next." With that he slipped out the door.
What will happen next? I don't know. But James does. That is good enough for me.
I received no messages from James in the two weeks after our encounter. It was good for me that he gave me some time to come to terms with my situation. I had to deal with the fact that I had gone outside my marriage for sexual gratification. I also had to deal with the fact that the gratification I sought was pretty much outside of what most consider normal.
Through it all ran the little scene of James telling me to come. The raw physical nature of where he had me when he said that was intoxicating... addicting. Turning myself over to James was the most thrilling and terrifying thing I had ever done. As much as I loved my husband, as much as I wanted to simply be "normal", I couldn't turn back now that I had sampled this darker side of me.
Over the two weeks following my exciting encounter, I came to grips with my desires. I told myself that I wouldn't let a confused society with roots buried in Calvinist and Puritan mores determine normal or acceptable for me. I alone would determine whether or not something was acceptable. I decided that it was time to experiment and stretch my erotic wings a bit.
I considered the thrill I had received from my experience with James. It was about becoming more by letting go... letting go of control, letting go of society's imposed rules, letting go of my self. When I let go of the roles of wife, daughter, business woman, "good girl", etc., that I had assumed for society, I allowed myself the freedom to experience without the filters that those roles imposed on me.
It was hard to let go like that. I was sure that the effort of getting beyond the socially acceptable roles would always be difficult for me. So much of my basic self was tied to them. It would take someone like James to tease and draw the slut out of the lady. However, I decided that I would not allow them to straight jacket me into missing out on the incredible experiences that I might have.
During this time, sex with Matt continued to be infrequent. He never seemed have the time, interest, and energy together at the same time. My sexual engine was running on overtime. I was more physically aware than at any other time in my life. My skin tingled with sensual excitement. I was constantly horny.
I finally came to the conclusion that I very much wanted to continue with exploring my new erotic self. On the Monday two weeks after my encounter, I decided to send James an e-mail when I got home from work at the gym.
That very day I noticed a parchment envelope under the wiper blade as I walked to my car after showering and cleaning up. It was addressed to me. I sat in the car and drew out a handwritten note and a map. It was from James. He knew I was ready even before I contacted him.
I flushed from head to foot with fearful excitement. I savored the mixture of feelings and delayed reading anything. I just sat there quivering in excitement, fear, and enormous sexual arousal. Just knowing that he had sent me a note (and a map!) put me on the verge of orgasm. It also refreshed every fear and doubt that I had harbored over the last weeks. How could I, a happily married woman, allow myself to be in this position.
I slowly read the note:
By now you have come to terms with our little experience. If you are interested in more, simply come visit me right now. The physical path to my home is outlined on the map. Your path is outlined in my mind.
As always, you can simply throw this away and we need not continue.
What a rush of excitement. James seemed to know just what to do and when to do it. I was about to burst from the combination of fear, excitement, embarrassment, and lust.
The map was easy to follow. It lead me to a large Victorian house in town. It was one of those old beautiful buildings that are part of where the wealthy in Austin have lived since the civil war. I parked on the street and spent a couple of minutes trying to gather myself.
The walkway from the front gate to the front somehow seemed to be hundreds of miles long as well as just a couple of steps. It seemed like I walked up the path forever, but reached the door almost at once. My breath was short and my heart was hammering as I rang the bell. I tried to calm myself in the stillness after the notes rang. I would soon know exactly who James was.