I wanted to send you a very personal note to let you know what's going on. I'm in such a good mood, and I'm writing to you on my swell new word processor (just $20! really cheap!) with guaranteed "can't fail" technlogy and "auto-replace grammer" feature. So I wanted to take a few moments and write just to you, <<name>>, because I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
My new word processor has also inspired me to write a couple more short stories. Celeste of "Celestial Reviews" fame is holding a Short Story Contest. I've written a few and am submitting them as my entries. They're attached below. It might help me a lot if you would flood her mailbox with support for my attempts. Her address is Celeste108@Imindeepshitifyoureallydothis.com
I've also written a new *full length* story called "Fun In The Tub" which I'm NOT e-mailing to you. It's pretty gross, but then you probably already knew that. I was talking with my Mom the other day, and by funny coincidence she mentioned that she knew you personally and said you wouldn't like the story. She even told me you were a big dick and I should cut you off. Honest! the list
I'm working with Mom. Anyway, I posted "Fun In The Tub" in <alt.sex.stories> and <alt.sex.stories.moderated> newsgroups. You can download it from there, or e-mail me and I'll shoot you. Thanks. a copy in a couple of days
I posted the first entry a couple weeks ago and I suppose I'll have to post the others before the deadline to qualify for the contest, but for now they're just for the very short list of my most select friends. That's you, <<name>>.
Very personally yours,
Contest Entry #1: "Memo"
M1KE HUNT ENTERPRISES
Interoffice Memo To:
Ivonna Ardon Ivan Athole Howie Balzer Les Bian Harry Box Dick Butkus Oliver Clothesoff The Dickner Bros: Iben, Uben, and Heben Fonda Dix Neal Downe Ben Dover Dick Dragon C. Howie Fartz Wilma Fingerdo P. Freely Peter Grabber Mike Hawk Richard Hed Dick Hertz Ima Hore Betty Humpter Buster Hyman Haywood Jablome Hugh Jazz Jack Kanoff Connie Lingus Phillip Llerenas Mike Lit Pat McCann Phil McGroin Jack Mehoff Craven Morehead Dick Nibbler Mike Ocksucker Harry Puzey Ivan Recshin Ophelia Self R. Sole Ann L. Sphincter Dick Spitzalot Dick Swett Jenny Talia Kandy Thys Tess Tichols Dickie Trickle Eric Tzhun Peter Wacker Albert Zweiner
From: M1KE HUNT
I see we have a couple of "remainders" just sitting around, and as you know, we're falling behind schedule. I've already talked to Mr. Hed about his habit of hiring a hooker for the office every Wednesday. And while I may have stood in the circle and gotten a blowjob with the rest of you, it's time to get to work. No finger pointing. Or any other digit, please. For all our sakes, take these random intros and see if you can turn them into something for Celeste's Short Story contest:
INTRO #1: Her head was nestled between my legs. She was licking my balls with a fury I had rarely seen before today. She kept at it for at least five minutes even though I asked her to stop. I grabbed my long hard shaft and turned toward her, threatening her with it. "How the hell am I going to improve my pitching wedge if that fucking collie won't take my practice balls out of her mouth?" I wondered. I have a big tournament this weekend... (Please attach rest of story... )
INTRO #2: I spread apart those well turned legs looking for that divine honey pot that I knew was sure to be there. My practiced eye traveled up one leg until I spotted it. Sure enough, "Miller's Honey Box" was stamped on the side and I knew I had found another antique treasure from the 1920's. The sturdy little piece of furniture had stood quietly in the back of the store... (Please attach rest of story... )
INTRO #3: It was a dark and stormy night... (On second thought, skip this one. It's a stupid opening and totally unbelievable anyway.)
Which brings me to my last point. We have to stop using dumb openings to these things. Just get the disclaimer out of the way and get on with the action. Our customer satisfaction ratings have slipped from 97% to 95.3% in the latest J.D. Powers survey, and I think our "too clever" openings may have something to do with it.
And use a simple disclaimer, like: *Under 18? Go away.* That'd do it. OK, let's get to work. Oh, and Dick, please report to my office. It's Wednesday.
BTW: In case you're wondering, we had to let Hugh G. Rection go. He just didn't fit in.
Contest Entry #2
Here is another entry for Celeste's Short Story Contest. The first entry probably didn't count anyway, 'cause it wasn't really a story. It was just a memo, which we all see too many of. This one isn't really a story either.It's more of a rant, but what the fuck. Rules are made to be broken.
Except the one that says you should be 18 to read it.
"Rant" - by MIKE HUNT
There's a line from a song running through my mind and it's a lyric I just can't get out of my head, like a melody you hear on the jukebox in the afternoon and you're still thinking about it at night when you're minding your own business just walking down a neighborhood street on a warm summer night and you see a nice looking girl who you don't even know with a skirt that's simply too goddamn tight and her ass is wiggling with every step and you just can't believe that women are so fucking attractive and that they have such power over