Your girlfriend convinced you she really wanted breakup sex with you when you told her it wasn’t working out for the two of you. Then, when she got you naked, she chased you out with a fucking ice pick, leaving you with no clothes, no money, no phone. Now you had to find some way to call a cab. There was no way you’d call your roommate to come get you. No way. You’d have to put up with his talking shit about you being dopey enough to think your girlfriend—ex-girlfriend—wanted to let you fuck her one last time.

You slipped into the all-night bodega on the corner, around the block from your now ex-girlfriend’s building. The guy there let you use his phone to call a cab. You’ll have to pay cash for it, so you’re counting on your roommate being up when you get there. You’ll pay him back when you can get your pants, wallet, and phone back from your ex-girlfriend. If ever. The bodega guy stood close, watching over your shoulder to see that you got confirmation. His warm, stale breath close on your collar bone made you feel all that much more naked. He didn’t seem all that shy being so close to a naked guy.

Once you got the confirmation, he made you wait outside. He shrugged his sympathies, pointing at the security camera. He said the owner would have a shit-fit if he let another naked guy wait in the store. Drives away customers. You wonder how many naked guys he gets in there. Is this what your ex-girlfriend does with all the guys who break up with her?

So, you go outside and slip around the corner to wait in the dark by the trash bins, away from the glare of the streetlamps and building security lights.

It’s dark, but not dark enough. It’s cold, but not too cold.

People walk by even at this hour. No one asks if you could use a shirt or some pants. At least they don’t call the cops.

You’re hoping you won’t have to get Mrs. Graves to let you in. The super lets her keep a spare key to all the apartments, since she never seems to leave the building. But she won’t give you the spare key unless you give her a long, involved reason why you don’t have your own. Tonight you really hope you don’t have to ask her. There’s no normal excuse for you being naked, having to ask her for a spare key. It’ll be all over the building by morning.

The cab shows up and you skip out of the darkness, across the sidewalk, and up to the cab. But the door’s locked and it seems to take forever to open.

You get n. The driver studies you in the mirror. His face lights up, and he says holy shit, this never happens to me. All the years I’m driving, never once a naked guy gets in my cab. He turns to look you over, then settles back into his seat. He’s smiling, shaking his head.

You give him the address and shrink down into the seat.

Other drivers talk about it like it happens every day, he says, but not to me. Never. Hearing the stories, he says, they make it sound like, ooh, pardon me, can I suck your dick? Or, ooh, pardon me, would you lick my pussy. But to me? Never happens.

Gorgeous women get in my cab all the time, he says. Town’s full of gorgeous women, know what I’m saying? All of them going to or coming from classy places. Shops. Restaurants. Apartments uptown. You know, between you and me? A few times I’ve pulled over, after I dropped off a really hot looking woman, I’ve pulled over, and just whacked my meat right there. While the perfume is still in the cab. It’s not the same, but sometimes they are so hot, you can’t help yourself, you know what I’m saying? Just once l’d like to see one of them, sitting in the back seat, fishing around in their purse, and they look up all mortified and say, like, oh, shit, I don’t have the fare. Lost my wallet or forgot my card, or whatever. Then they’d look at me and say you look like you could use some pussy. How about some pussy for the ride, and they’d do me right there. Sometimes in the front seat, sometimes in the back seat. You know, riding me while traffic goes whizzing by, people walking past.

Let me tell you. Never happens. But here you are. A fucking naked guy in my cab. In my cab.

Or, the cabbie says, it’s a guy. Could be a guy, I’m not choosy. I’d try anything once, you know what I’m saying? You straight? You look straight. Some nights, I think how that might go. I won’t lie. I’ve jacked off thinking about how that might go. Some straight guy can’t come up with the money and has to blow me for it. All the time telling me, I don’t usually do this kind of thing, as he puts his face down in my lap. So I take my time, and make him work for it, you know? Pretty soon he’s really getting into it because I’m taking forever and he’s trying to make me come, and I just hold on and hold on. So he has to really work, like the best blow job in the history of blow jobs. Using every trick he can think of. Trying to remember what the wife did to him, or what his girlfriend did to him. We both have something to remember, you know what I’m saying?

But, the cabbie says, they have to be sober. I don’t mess with people when they’ve been drinking. Wouldn’t be the same. Wouldn’t be kosher. I can’t tell you how many times a guy pours some girl into my cab, throws a couple twenties at me and tells me to get them home. Boyfriends, husbands, they all do it, you know. Sometimes it’s a woman, and her husband can’t even stand up. Have to tell you. I don’t see girlfriends doing it for the boyfriends as much. Hey, discrimination, right? That’s a laugh. But when they’re drunk, I keep my distance I get them to their stop, help them to their front door, find their keys, and see them inside. Never did anything, swear to God, you know what I’m saying?

But you, you’re the first naked guy getting into my cab, he says.

He makes the turn onto your block and stops in front of the small lobby door of your apartment building. You remember there are no working street lamps along this block, and you’re thinking it’s a clear shot to the door, no one seeing. You’ll buzz and get your roommate to come down.

But he’s already out and got the car door open, climbing in beside you. The dark street works for him, too.

I hope you don’t mind, he says. Driving a cab all these years, this has never happened before. Something like this, you have to grab it while you can. I mean, maybe you do it all the time, but this is like once in a lifetime, you know what I’m saying?

For one once-in-a-lifetime, he seems to know what he’s doing, sliding in next to you, levering your legs apart. His whisker-stubbled face brushes your skin, so alien a sensation, naked as you are, it causes your ass cheeks to tingle.