Chapter 15

Things started to lighten for Andrew when he stopped thinking about himself and instead let his karmic balance correct itself. First of all he was asked to play in an orchestra as they were short of double basses. It was a serious amateur orchestra in Edinburgh called Caritas, more than half the members were teachers of their instrument and the standard was very high. He had been asked a couple of times in the past if he was interested but as they practised on a Sunday afternoon Andrew had always pleaded off citing the Food Bank. Fiona, his double bass teacher, was a member and she asked him again. Their issue was that they were playing Beethoven’s 9^th Symphony and it was a large production. It was going to be at the Usher Hall, the main concert hall in the city, and it was a sell-out. More than 2,000 people in the audience, a choir of 200 and a huge full orchestra, all except double basses. There were currently only two and the balance was off, especially in some key passages in the 4^th movement. The most famous theme of the whole symphony, Ode to Joy, is first played by just the cellos and basses. Fiona asked if there was any way that Andrew could switch shifts at the Food Bank for the next three weekends as it was critical that they add additional basses to the orchestra. Andrew had often gone in early to double shift at the warehouse and he realised his reluctance was nothing more than not wanting to alter his routine after four years. The concert was on Easter Sunday in the evening. He agreed and was startled to get a big hug from her, this was clearly a huge relief. So for the first time in four years Andrew played in an orchestra. He smiled to himself as he drove in for that first rehearsal because he had been taking weekly lessons ever since returning to school, and other than one house music competition, he had not played in a group or orchestra since then. He just never stopped doing his weekly bass lessons, another routine that he just kept doing.

The Choral Symphony was without question Andrew’s favourite piece of classical music. This was the first, and as it turned out only, time he would get the chance to play it. It was also a challenging piece to play as there are several passages where the focus of the hall was on the double basses, which was very rare. He was nervous the first time through but calmed as the afternoon wore on. At the end of the rehearsal he asked Fiona for a couple of additional lessons over the remainder of the term so that he could practice some of the key passages.

The second thing that started to thin and lighten the clouds circling his head was the annual staff versus pupils’ hockey match. It had not started until the second year that girls were admitted to the school so this would be the third time the match had been played. The staff had won both games so far, and as the coach of the 1^st eleven Andrew discovered that he was to coach the pupils. The team were fired up for the match, and he knew that the previous year’s game had been uncomfortably chippy by the end. The staff team was mixed and would include some good players like Hendricks and McIntosh and some complete no-hopers like the Headmaster, who gamely put himself up for ridicule by playing. For the match there were a large number of spectators, the most for any game he had been part of.

“Relax, the spectators are all on your side. You are going to annihilate them, you only lost once since October and are the best school side in the region.”

Andrew stood in front of them, 6’5” and 15 stone with a 42’ long hockey stick.

“Do you see anyone my size over there?”

The team started to smile and Andrew nodded.

“Every team’s coach comes up at the end of the game and compliments you on your tackling and pressure. You have been called relentless, ferocious and impossible to play. Go out there and play your game, don’t worry about anything else. You know how to break out, split the D and if you get a penalty corner, bottom corner every time.”

By half time they were 4-0 up, the subs had all played and the whole team was just having a great time. However, at the half the Headmaster came over to the team and led them off to one side. Suddenly there was a cheer and laughter and the Head came back over to Andrew.

“Andrew, you have been traded.”

He looked bewildered.

“I am taking over as the coach of the pupil’s team and you are going to play for the staff. I asked the players if they thought that they could score four more with their coach playing against them and I believe the comment I received back was ‘hell, we will score 10 now’.”

Andrew looked over at the players and saw they were bursting to get back on the pitch. Laughing he grabbed his shin pads, mouthpiece and stick and headed over to the staff team. And he walked towards them he realised this was going to be the first game of field hockey he had ever played. His arrival was treated with good humour and then the game was on. Andrew knew the team would want to be win fair and square and so he ran hard for the full 30 minutes. He had never felt prouder than he was that afternoon. They were a hard tackling relentless machine and took great delight in tackling the ball off him. They only scored one more goal but the staff had barely a whiff of a chance all game. At the end of the match it was a comprehensive 5-0 drubbing. After congratulating them all Andrew headed into the changing rooms to shower, a huge smile still on his face. When he came out Hendricks was waiting for him.

“Good, I didn’t miss you. Come with me please Andrew.”

They walked back outside to be ambushed by all three field hockey teams. They cheered and clapped as he blushed and looked back longingly at the tunnel to the street. Hendricks grabbed his arm.

“Get over there, they just want to say thank you.”

Andrew had to endure 10 minutes of speeches from Hendricks, McIntosh and the Headmaster all thanking him for coaching for the last two years. At the end he was swarmed and mobbed by all the players, and although it was touch and go for a few moments, he managed to not burst into tears. And with that his hockey coaching career at school was over. Suzanne asked if she could get a lift home so he sat and waited the expected 20 minutes before she showed up.

“Are you okay Andrew?”

“I am fine.”

“Really? You have been out of sorts all term. Ever since we were together during the break you have been fighting something internally and since February you have had an aura of sadness about you. I have asked you nearly every week if there was anything wrong. Can we talk about it please?”

“There is nothing to talk about. I am just focused on completing school, getting the grades to get to Cambridge and graduating from the Open University. The academics this year, especially the physics project, have been harder. I have just had to focus on school.”

“What about balance? We have not gone out in more than six weeks, you have taken June out only once this term, what did we do?”

Andrew wanted to close his eyes and scream, but given he was driving he refrained.

“Nothing, you did nothing. I have struggled with time management for years and it has been a tough term that is all.”

They pulled up outside her parents’ house and Andrew looked expectantly at Suzanne, he wanted her out the car.

“We can see the difference in you, you have the most expressive face, you know that. You have a guarded look on your face which falls away when you are happy. You are such a good coach, you cannot hide your happiness at how we are playing. Even in the second half, and it was mainly you that stopped a slaughter, you were so pleased at the way we were playing. But when you came out after your shower and we all wanted to thank you, you had retreated behind your wall of isolation. Why Andrew? Is it because of what happened with us?”

The dam in his head burst open and he talked tiredly for a long time, about her, Allison, Ara, about Leslie’s comments, everything. It was a cathartic brain dump of epic proportions. But it was also long overdue, just talking to his friend lightened Andrew’s mood. It was clear he had missed both Suzanne and Leslie.

“So you have just thrown yourself into your studies and steered clear of complications?”

“Not really, I still see you every day and although June and I have not gone out I still talk to her most days at History. She has been busy with outside activities and so it has been more of a scheduling issue than anything else. Ara dumped me that Friday night and I have neither seen nor heard from her since. Leslie and I are going through a rough patch, but it was her that sent me on this path, I will talk to her over the break. I don’t need new complications. I promised Gail that I would see her once hockey was over, but that is going to be like Kate was last year, exam support rather than romance.”

“Well the one thing I know is that you will give it lots of thought.”

Andrew snorted in derision but Suzanne carried on.

“Let’s go swimming at the Commonwealth on Saturday morning and then talk some more afterwards, okay?”

“Sure.”

He was already swimming when Suzanne joined him and Andrew swam for a long time. Suzanne had already gone to change when he finished but he was not bothered, he knew he would still be ready well before her. Instead she came out the changing rooms at the same time as him and they walked through the foyer to head to his car. Then Andrew saw Leslie. Before he could say anything, she pulled him in for a hug that was long and heartfelt. When she finally released him she wanly smiled.

“I am sorry Andrew. Can I join Suzanne and you for breakfast please?”

10 minutes later they were in one of the many cafés on Clerk Street and Andrew looked expectantly at the pair of them.

“Suzanne called me on Thursday night and we spoke then and met to talk some more yesterday. I should have not let you brood for so long, and when she told me how you were feeling and especially the change in you, I realised that I had mucked this up. We have been friends for more than four years and it has all been too easy, yet at the first sign of a real problem I got all judgemental and left you alone. We will talk about the issues shortly but I do want to apologise for just abandoning you. Mum and Dad are concerned and Dad misses having you over. Anyway, I needed to say that before we try and unpack everything going on in your life.”

“It takes two people to create a standoff, I am not blameless in this. But rather than drag it all out, let me accept your apology and offer one of my own, I have missed you.”

They both also thanked Suzanne for not being fobbed off and for metaphorically banging their heads together. But the elephant still needed to be addressed and it was Suzanne who started.

“Leslie and I talked for hours yesterday Andrew. It was slightly disconcerting to realise that you weren’t kidding when you said you told her everything but once I got over that initial embarrassment we talked about you and sex. For a long time.”

Leslie took up the conversation.

“I was wrong about the flawed women comment. That was hurtful verbally but it also hurt you much deeper. I know now that it made you question yourself in ways I didn’t mean when I said it. The truth is everyone is flawed and it is easy to throw that comment at someone and make them question themselves. I know that because you said it back to me, and I have done some thinking about it as well. You were a deeply flawed soul when I met you and if there is anyone who should have known better it was me. I know that we will come back to this comment and discuss it more but I want you to start letting it go.

“Andrew, I know that seems ridiculous but it is true, park it at least and think about the real issue. You are a romantic soul Andrew McLeod. For someone who never makes love and always just fucks people, your words not mine, you get caught up in the romance of the moment. You always care about your partner and the more you care the more you want to do. This is where you get yourself into trouble. I should be letting Suzanne tell you this because it is her insight. That was the flaw in our discussions, we have never had sex and I could not look at it with a proper understanding. I needed to hear both sides of the encounter to understand better what happened. It was only when Suzanne talked about how you made her feel, how you acted, how every time with you had this insane passion.”

Suzanne continued.

“That is one of the keys to all this. You are an amazingly passionate man and I don’t think any of us really saw it until Leslie and I talked through things. Once she revealed previous episodes, and especially what happened with Allison it started to make sense. It does not matter who you selected and whether they were flawed or not Andrew, what is key is the passion you bring to the encounter. You go full on. Every time we get together I shouldn’t have six or eight orgasms. Yet I do, every time. You cannot do anything without trying to do your best and it is not just your sex life in general, it is every single sexual encounter.”

“We think that is mostly because they are so infrequent. If you were living with someone, it would be impossible to fuck them for hours every night. Nice fantasy but life would get in the way. Periods, coursework, shopping, laundry, other friends.”

They were tag teaming now.

“So don’t change. Listen I called Allison last night, it took a bunch of calls to get her number but I got hold of her. She is home from university. She doesn’t hate you Andrew, she cherishes the time that you spent together. She said she is multiple times more confident than she was. The relentless positivity of spending time with you and the way you treated her have helped her. Her words not mine. She talked about the night out when you had dinner with Moira’s father. My god Andrew, I thought my dress was revealing but when she described her dress you could have knocked me over with a feather. So much passion.”

Suzanne finally stopped. The pair of them each took his hand although it was Leslie who spoke.

“Unleash that passion Andrew. You have no choice, it is who you are. People will react differently to it, although a lot of women will be drawn to it. I think we have the phrase for your life plan, rather than the individual goals. Be passionate. All your goals reflect that, you approach life with a passion.”

Breakfast came and as they ate Andrew had some time to reflect on everything that they said. It was not a perfect solution but then what was? But it spoke to him. His life goal, be passionate. It fitted all the individual goals. As he thought it over, he could feel tension leaving his body and suddenly he was crying. All the emotion of the last two months burst forth and Andrew held his napkin over his eyes as he let go of the wound up stress consuming him. He needed his friends and had missed them. It was over as quickly as it started, a cathartic moment. The pair of them understood and at that moment Andrew knew that Leslie was no longer his sole best friend, Suzanne complemented her and he smiled happily at the thought.

Suzanne went to the toilet and he decided it was time to embrace his inner passionate self and to thank Suzanne at the same time. He explained the plan to Leslie who just laughed and gave him a big hug.

“Welcome back Andrew.”

That very night he stood on the doorstep of the Campbell’s house at 6.30 watching Suzanne’s face go through a bunch of emotions, shock foremost. Leslie handed him her bag and a key and he walked Suzanne to the car.

“Where are we going Andrew? What about Leslie?”