Chapter 8: But I’m Cleaner Than This

We exited the bus and it must have looked like a clown car at the circus. The children just kept coming! The folks across the road from us were just amazed and then impressed when each of the children who could said “Good morning” and waved.

Blossom and Erin retrieved the strollers from under the bus and within minutes the Herd, the Kids, the Moms, babies, and I were walking out of the RV park. The road was busy, so we walked a block down to get to a crosswalk with a light. We let William push the button for the cross walk and we waited.

“See that yellow building? That’s where we’re going. It’s called the Waffle House.”

“Waffles!” A group cheer went up, just as the crosswalk light came on.

“Hurry O’Dells, I don’t know how long the light lasts,” I said as I hustled the Moms, who hustled the children. We made it across with plenty of time, garnering stares from every driver who saw us. I was looking into the Waffle House as we approached and two of the servers looked like they were going to lose their minds.

I opened the door and Erin and her girls entered, followed by Lynn and her children and finally Blossom and her little ones went in. I came last in the parade.

“Welcome to Waffle House,” one of the servers said on autopilot.

Her autopilot was shocked when everyone of the children returned her welcome with a very clear and warm, “Thank you” and “Good morning!”. There was no way that we were all going to sit together so I took command.

“OK, my little loves, Scrabble groups. Go!”

The children led the little ones to tables and soon there were groups of four children at three tables. The Moms kept the infants in their slings and the four of us sat at a table. An older black lady was one of the shocked servers and she approached our table with trepidation.

“Hi. My Lord what a crew.”

“Yes ma’am, we’re the O’Dells,” Margaret Erin said very politely.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to have you in our Waffle House. Is anyone ready to order?”

“We’ve never been to a Waffle House before,” Genevieve Lynn added. “But I think we would all like a big glass of orange juice and our parents would like coffee. Is that right mother?”

“Very well done, my darling,” Lynn said proudly, then smiling at the server. “Good morning.”

“Good morning indeed. You have an amazing daughter.”

“The first one is my daughter,” Erin chimed in.

“And the second one is mine,” Lynn added.

“And they are all mine, so I guess I get the bill afterwards,” I said with a big smile.

“All yours?”

“And I’m pretty sure they are all going to want hash browns, scattered, smothered, covered, chunked. After that I’m sure they will want waffles, but God only knows. You best just ask them. Those twelve should be good, we’ll take care of the little ones.”

“My goodness.”

“Yup!”

The woman shook her head and went to get another server and sure enough, everyone got waffles. Some of the girls asked for green Tabasco and they all had a second glass of OJ. The girls sat and talked in quiet, indoor voices and just impressed the heck out of everyone in the place. But the big score was yet to come.

“Sir, here is your bill. You pay up at the register.” The older black lady slid the small paper towards me and was just turning to walk away when Margaret Erin came up behind her and took hold of her hand.

“Daddy, this is Miss Brown and she was very nice to us. Would please leave a very big tip for her?”

Well that caused a small furor as all of the Herd began to clap and cheer for Miss Brown and her co-workers began to laugh and cheer as well.

“Margaret Erin, it is not usually polite to talk about a tip when the person you are tipping is standing there.”

“But, Daddy, I wanted to be sure that you knew how nice she was to us.”

“I understand, Margaret Erin. Maybe she should leave a tip for you because you and your sisters and brother were so nice.”

“Oh no, Daddy. We’re supposed to be nice. That’s what you and the moms taught us.”

“And Miss Brown is supposed to be nice to her customers.”

“But she was EXTRA nice.”

“OK, in that case, I’ll look at the bill again.”

During the entire exchange Erin was beaming, Lynn and Blossom were chuckling, and poor Miss Brown was blushing a dark reddish brown. When Margaret Erin finally released the poor Miss Brown’s hand and allowed her to leave, the Manager came out and complemented the kids on their behavior.

I stopped him before he got carried away.

“We raised our kids to be polite. I appreciate that you’ve taken notice. We don’t make a big deal of it because this is what we expect. Just like when customers come here and expect a good meal, which we all had. We’ll be back tomorrow morning before we get on our bus and drive back home.”

“Where are you from?”

“Boise, Idaho.”

“Did I hear you say that you’re the father of all these children?”

“Yes.”

“Are you Mormons?”

“No, just nuts!” That comment earned me three shoulder punches from the women I wedded.

“All right Herd, let’s roll!”

The kids got up, made sure their areas were clean and were led to the door by a very proud Erin O’Dell. I didn’t think her chest could get bigger, but it was really puffed out with pride. Lynn and Blossom followed. I stopped at the register to pay and thanked the cook and left a $100 tip for the service.

We walked back the same way we came and once back in the bus, everyone took their seats and let out a collective groan.

“Daddy! I’m so full!” Paula Erin moaned.

“Well you ate a lot.”

“It was good.”

“As good as White Castle?”

“Nothing is as good as White Castle!” Penelope Erin said.

Well needless to say that started a verbal exchange of epic proportions. I just shook my head and sat in the driver’s seat and started the diesel. That caused the moms to dash outside and unhook the utilities so we could head out to my daughter’s house.

Erin and Lynn got back in and took care of checking that all of the infants were secured, Blossom got on last and turned on the GPS and punched in Beth’s address while I retracted the levelers.

“Are we ready to go?”

“We are locked and loaded, Terry,” Blossom said, kissing the top of my head. I put the bus in gear and slowly pulled forward towards the gate. The GPS told me to turn right and I pulled out onto the State highway heading East. I turned left onto a dirt road and followed it for two miles. The GPS announce that I had arrived at my destination as I pulled up in front of a very nice two-story farmhouse in the middle of a field of corn.

I killed the motor and extended the levelers. When the bus was stable, I got out of the driver’s seat and stood at the front.

“OK, everyone, listen please. I need to tell you something before we go in. Beth is my daughter and her two daughters are my granddaughters. Beth is your sister and her daughters are your nieces. They may joke with you about being their aunts. It’s funny. Usually aunts are much older than the nieces and nephews, just like with Phillip, Kayleigh and Diana.”

The girls all chuckled and nodded because we’d been talking about the situation for several weeks. But now I had to talk about housekeeping.

“Now, the one thing that I want you to know is that your sister, Beth, hasn’t been very good at keeping her house clean. She is not like your moms. So, if we go in and the house is messy, I don’t want you to complain about it. She and her husband are busy working and taking care of their family and Beth is going to college too. OK?”

All the Herd nodded in unison and undid their seat belts.

“Then let’s go!”

They all stood in the aisle and I opened the door. I walked down the steps and made sure everyone got off safely. The last off were my wives. They had the infants in their slings. The Herd had taken the hands of the kids and when everyone was assembled, I took a deep breath.

“Paul, why are you so nervous?”

“I’m not nervous, Lynn. I’ve just always felt really uncomfortable in her homes because of the massive clutter.”

“I’ve not said anything, Paul, but seriously it can’t be that bad.”

“Lover ... I hope you’re right. Let’s go meet the family.” I took Lynn’s hand and kissed it, before leading her and the family to the front door of the farmhouse. I didn’t see a doorbell, so I knocked on the door. Nothing happened so I knocked again. Then I heard Beth’s voice loudly through the door.

“Daddy! Come around to the side of the house.”

I stepped back and off the stoop, then led the family to the right and around the house. I saw a car and an SUV parked in the back of the house and walked towards them. As we round the back of the house, Beth came running around the corner and came to a screaming halt as she was confronted with the full Herd, with the Kids, and the moms, and the infants, and, of course, me.

“Holy shit!”

“Hi Beth. Nice to see you too.”

“Sister Beth! You said one of the bad words,” admonished Penelope Erin.

She quickly raised her hands to her mouth and looked wide-eyed at the approaching army.

“Sorry, Daddy, but this is a bit of a shock.”

“I know. This, by the way, is my daughter, and your sister, Penelope Erin. She is the one who makes sure none of the family uses bad words but she also understands sometimes people get surprised by the Herd. Don’t you Penelope Erin?”

I looked at my little girl and she nodded knowing that her message was received. I turned my attention back to my first child.

“Yeah, Beth it’s the difference between knowing and KNOWING!” I emphasized the last word with air quotation marks.

She ran to me and wrapped me in a hug and kissed me on the cheek.

“Beth, you remember Lynn and Erin.” My first two wives came up and gave Beth a welcoming hug as best they could with two babies in slings.

“Oh my.”

“Beth, this is Paul, and this is Benjamin,” Lynn said introducing the infants. “And this is Genevieve Lynn, Erin Lynn, Martha Lynn, and Wanda Lynn.”

Lynn’s little redheads all smiled and stepped forward as introduced to give their really big sister a hug. Then Erin stepped forward.

“Hi Beth, it’s so good to see you again. This is my oldest, Margaret Erin, you’ve met Penelope Erin, and this is her twin, Paula Erin. The triplets, Amy Erin, Beth Erin, and Clara Erin. And finally the new twins Hanna Erin and Elyse Erin,” she stroked the blonde heads of the infants when she introduced the babies in the slings.

“My God, Erin. How the hell did you do this?”