Chapter 6: Listen! I Smell Something

We had been on the road about an hour and were about halfway from Columbia, MO to the western suburbs of St. Louis when the first wave hit.

I wasn’t awake, but I wasn’t asleep. I was in that wonderful relaxed state just between the two. I had the head of a blond on my left shoulder and the head of a black-haired Latina on my right. The soft patter of the wheels on the road was helping to keep me in a sort of hypnotic trance.

Erin shifted her body a little and I heard a soft puff sound. I looked to the left and right and then it hit me. It was the first White Castle fart of the trip. Not wanting to be gross or anything, but I sniffed, and my senses verified it. Yup! White Castle fart.

Blossom shifted her weight and I heard a low whistling sound. Yup, another one. I couldn’t resist the evil temptation and I slowly removed my arm from around the sleeping Erin and leaned her over to her left. Then I took our sleeping little wife and leaned her over, so her head was resting on Erin’s hip.

I stood and moved to one of the empty seats and waved at Lynn as she caught the movement in her mirror. She shook her head. I think she knew that it had started. I stood right away and went to the seat right behind Lynn and leaned to her ear.

“Lynn, you might want to stop at the next rest stop or truck stop. I think it’s going to get bad.”

“OK,” she answered, looking at me and rolled her eyes. “I warned you.”

I kissed Lynn’s bald head in reply and went back to the seat across from our other two wives and waited for the fan to be hit.

“What the...” Blossom mumbled and she turned her head just as Erin let one rip.

“Aaaaahhh! Erin!”

Erin woke and shot straight to a sitting position. Her head moved right into the cloud she had just released.

“Oh yeah! That was a good one.”

“What? It was a good one?”

“Blossom, that one was a little sweet. Must be from the onions. Wait until they start without the sweetness.”

“Oh shit,” Blossom exclaimed using one of the bad words.

About that time little bodies began to shift in their seats, and it started.

“Eeeewwww.”

That was Penelope.

“Yuck,” that was the sleepy voice of her twin.

“Oh boy. That was a good one,” that was the wonderful Margaret Erin.

I remembered how she and her sister had cleared the kitchen the first time I brought White Castles home from Walgreen’s. Blossom walked past me fanning the air with her hands like that was going to help. Penelope stirred and, when she sat up, the crunching of her abdominal muscles squeezed out a big one.

“Oh my,” was all she could muster.

Soon all of the girls and kids were awake and in various states of laughter or disgust due to the condition of the air in the bus. While the children were exclaiming variations or ‘Eeewww’ or ‘Yuck’ or, my personal favorite, ‘Who pooped?’, the bus gently swerved to the right when Lynn pulled off the highway and into a rest stop.

I walked to the front of the bus to see Lynn sitting in the driver’s seat with the small window open and a fan blowing at full speed.

“How are you doing, Lover?”

“The window and the fan help, but we better get these kids out of here and for God’s sake don’t anyone light a match!” Lynn said with a chuckle in her voice.

She pushed the button to open the door and the parade began as the Herd, led by an understanding Erin O’Dell, with a very grossed out Blossom O’Dell as the caboose, made their way to the rest rooms. I went along so that I could take William to the men’s room.

“Daddy, I stink.”

“Yes, you do, son. I’m proud of you. These are your first White Castle farts.”

“I thought I pooped in my pants.”

“I know. It will go away soon. I just hope that it’s gone before we get to your sister Beth’s house.”

William sat on the toilet for several minutes, farting a lot, before he pooped a lot. When his face was no longer red, I asked him, “Can you wipe yourself or do you need help?”

“I don’t know how to work the toilet paper,” he said, looking at the toilet paper dispenser designed by people who never poop.

“Yeah, you’re not the only one. Let me get it for you.”

I reached under the big double toilet paper roll holder and found the dangling end and pulled it down. After getting about three feet of paper, I got it to tear off and handed it to William. He folded it over and reached around and wiped himself. It was a pretty clean poop and so he folded the paper, careful to not touch the dirty part and wiped again.

He dropped the paper in the toilet and stood. After about two seconds the toilet auto flushed. My boy pulled up his pants and looked at me with pride.

“Daddy, I’m thirsty.”

“Me too, William. Let’s get some drinks from under the bus and have them ready for the others, OK?”

“Yes, sir.”

And with that we walked back out to the bus. I opened the door and hit the button on the dashboard to release the locks on the storage bins underneath. I took out a case of water and a case of boxed drinks and a case of Gatorade. William stood off to the side and supervised.

He carried the case of boxed drinks and I had the rest. I carried them to the back and set them on the floor. I went out and closed the door on the storage bin and returned to the inside of the bus. William had a bad look on his face and then I walked into the invisible wall of fart gas.

“Sorry, Daddy.”

“No problem, William. It goes with the territory. When you eat White Castle, you fart.”

I opened the cases and put some of the drinks in the refrigerator and the rest in the electric ice chests. I had almost finished when the first of the Herd returned to the bus.

“Get something to drink, it will help.”

Genevieve Lynn and Erin Lynn got on the bus first and retrieved the drinks they wanted. They took them to their seats and then came back and sat in the front seats. As their sisters entered the bus, they were asked what they’d like to drink, then the two girls retrieved those drinks and delivered them to their siblings seats. Erin and Blossom were the last on the bus and Blossom had a sour look on her face whereas Erin was laughing so hard that I thought her bra would bust.

“Paul! That was just a rotten thing to do.”

“What, Baby?” I asked Blossom trying to look innocent.

“You put my face by Erin’s stinky butt. And she farted and woke me up.”

“Interesting alarm clock choice,” I said, causing Erin to laugh harder and fart again.

Just then a laughing Paula Erin came walking down the aisle laughing and farting with a loud ‘toot’ with each step. I broke up laughing as did her siblings and Erin.

“That’s MY daughter right there!” Erin bragged as she picked Paula up and hugged her causing another fart to shoot out of the little blonde.

I looked up to see Lynn standing at the front of the bus with her cell phone out, taking video of the entire debacle. Once everyone got settled down, Blossom asked to drive. Lynn showed her what she had done to ward off the worst of the fart gas with the small side window open and the fan on. Blossom checked to be sure everyone was strapped in, before she started the motor and retracted the levelers.

She pulled out of the rest stop and hit some of the famous Missouri highway potholes causing the bus to shake and several of the Herd to fart again. That caused them to laugh, and that caused them to fart and that caused them to laugh and ... well you get the picture.

Blossom pulled onto the smoother I-70 pavement and got up to highway speed. I went to the video deck and put in the DVD of a movie the kids hadn’t seen. I took the remote to my seat and once settled with Genevieve Lynn taking her turn in my lap, I hit the play button.

“Herd, you are going to love this movie!” I announced to get everyone’s attention.

The movie began with a picture of the front of a library and some spooky music. Then it followed a lady librarian down to a file lined hall. Then there was a bright white light and the lady screamed. The word “Ghostbuster’s” came on the screen and we were off.

The kids and their moms and I all laughed, and the kids continued to fart for about half the movie. Margaret Erin was, of course, the worst offender. Genevieve Lynn seemed to be the least offensive. Although a couple of times she shifted her position in my lap and soon thereafter there was an oniony fragrance wafting from her.

“Sorry, Daddy,” was all she said each time.

I kissed her head each time and said, “Better out than in, my little love. Better out than in.”

When the movie ended, we did a post-movie review. All the members of the Herd loved it and wanted to see it again.

“Were any of you scared?” I asked.

“There were a few parts that made me jump,” Penelope admitted.

“Me too, but it was really funny, too!” Paula added to her twins comment.

“Well, there is a ‘Ghostbuster’s 2” and a third one too. Maybe when we get home, we can watch those.”

Things quieted down after the movie, and Blossom pulled off the freeway into a shopping area just inside the city limits of O’Fallon, MO. She pulled into a large open area and stopped.

“Paul, I’m going to stop here so we can feed the babies and so you can walk over to that Walmart and get some air freshener. We need to spray this place down before Beth and her family come to visit.”

“OK. Girls would you like to come with me?”

“Yes!” was the uniform response from the girls.

They quickly put their shoes on and got their sunglasses and ball caps on, since it was a sunny and windy day, and we exited the bus for the adventure that is rural Walmart. They each had their head on a swivel looking for traffic and we made it to the front door of the store without any events. I stopped them and knelt.

“Girls, you’ve never been to a Walmart before. I wanted to warn you. Some of the people in here are a lot different than you’re used to. Please remember that God loves everybody, and that people are free to look anyway they want to. If you see anybody that looks a little different, please don’t do anything silly like point or laugh. Got it?”

“Yes, Daddy,” responded each of them in turn.

“OK! Stay close, I don’t want to lose any of you wonderful girls.”

That earned me a big hug from Erin Lynn and Penelope Erin. We walked into the crazy that was Walmart on a normal day. The girls were amazed at all of the stuff and almost immediately their ‘shopping’ gene kicked in.

“No. I’m sorry my little loves, but I promise that when we get home, I’ll take you all to Walmart and let you go shopping.”

The chorus of ‘Yeah’ was noticed by a few of the other shoppers. The older members of the Herd behaved as they always behaved and soon, we were in the aisle with the home cleaning products. I scanned the shelves looking for the only thing I was sure would kill the farts smell on the bus and handed a bottle to each of my daughters.