My ex-wife’s timing was always perfect, perfectly aggravating.

I had dated a busty brunette three times before she finally agreed to dinner at my place. I did the whole seduction bit; flirting with her, flowers, kissing, a lot of flattery, a small but thoughtful gift. After dinner and some wine, she’d unbuttoned my shirt and asked me where my bedroom was. She removed her blouse on the way, then sat on the bed and unzipped me. She kissed my nipples as she pulled my pants down. As she was reaching behind to unfasten her bra, my phone rang.

I saw my ex-wife Lorna’s number on it and thought about ignoring the call. She was probably just calling to demand more money, but there was a small chance one of the kids might be sick or hurt. I hated my ex and had wished she’d just drop off the Earth many times, but I loved my kids.

I told my date, “Sorry, but I need to take this.” I can’t imagine what she must have thought from hearing just my side of the conversation. “Jenna did WHAT? NINE HUNDRED BUCKS! No, the girls can’t come over tonight! Yeah, I’m still planning on Stacy and Tracy next Saturday. My gawd! At their age! I don’t have much cash right now, and I’m busy tonight. I have somebody here right now, but tomorrow would be okay for all five girls. Fine, another hundred, and bring them over at six tomorrow. Bye.”

My date was fully dressed again and before I could say anything she declared, “When you figure out whether you want whores or a real woman, don’t bother calling me!” She walked out, leaving me with blue balls yet again, but blue balls were the least of my problems.

At only 14 years old, my oldest daughter Jenna had driven an older friend’s car into a traffic light, and in front of a police officer. She needed to pay $500 for the light and another $400 in fines. Twins Stacy and Tracy would be 10 the next Saturday, and I planned to go to the birthday party at their house. I thought it might be fun, but their mother expected me to buy the beverages and cake on the way there. My other two, Amy and Pam, were 12 and 13. I thought they were too young to be much trouble, until their mother told me she caught them sharing a bottle of wine with a boy! Also, for the third time in only two years, their mother wanted more child support money every month. As the icing on the cake, Lorna said she had a hot date. She wanted me to watch all five of them with only a half hour notice!

I knew my rotten ex was spending a lot of the child support on makeup, cigarettes, booze, and other things for herself, but I was hoping at least some of it would benefit the kids. They were the only reason I even tolerated talking to her on the phone anymore.

The kids were also the reason we’d divorced. I hadn’t told Lorna until we had been married three years and she got pregnant for the second time, but I was sterile. All my equipment worked great, but I’d been shooting blanks since puberty. I loved my kids. I told Lorna that I’d forgive her and accept her seeing somebody else once a week, if she would put up with me doing the same. I wanted to stop at two kids, so she agreed to use birth control. We had an uneasy agreement and stayed together. I found a lady to have fun with occasionally, and I watched the kids and let Lorna do what she wanted every Saturday.

We argued, but I even forgave her when she had our third daughter Amy. She repeated that she’d get on the pill and use condoms every time. While she was pregnant the fourth time, Lorna knew I was close to done with her. Mostly to encourage me to stay, she talked to everybody in the neighborhood about how great I was and how happy we were to have twins on the way. She talked to everybody in both our families, even the great-aunts and second cousins. She bragged what a stud I was to put twins in her. She would even visit me at work every week or two and chat with my boss and co-workers.

I was furious on the inside but suppressed my anger. I might have even forgiven her again. Maybe I’m intolerant, and maybe it makes me a bad person, but when I saw the twins for the first time I decided I had to end it. They were cute and I loved them; but my ex, our three oldest daughters, and I are all natural blondes. The twins were obviously half Hispanic. I knew I’d be a laughingstock, an obvious cuckold. I saw a lawyer and started the divorce the next week.

Only partly to ease my conscience, I bought a pair of nice bikes for their 10th birthday, to replace the little ones with training wheels I’d given them when they were 5. The twins were the reason I left, but I really did love them too.

Two years later

I knew it was usually a bad idea to date co-workers, but the pretty redhead was in a different department, and even had a different boss. After dating for a month, I’d gotten her to agree to dinner at my place. As soon as we walked in the door, she said, “I really feel like a shower after work. Want to wash my back?” She kissed me and started unbuttoning her blouse before I could answer. Minutes later, I was standing in the shower behind her. I reached around and started playing with a nipple as I sucked her ear lobe.

My ex’s timing was perfect again. I heard my cell ring and said, “Dammit!” I stepped out of the shower and quickly dried enough to answer. “Yeah? SHE’S PREGNANT! I know it’s a big deal. No! I DON’T want her to get an abortion! You’re crazy if you think I’m going to pay an extra thousand!”

The redhead picked up her clothes and pushed past me on her way out of the bathroom. I tried to get her to stay, but used exactly the wrong words, “No, wait! It’s my kid. I have to help her, but...” By the time I finished the call, my date had driven off.

My oldest daughter Jenna was 16 and pregnant! Her mother said it was my fault that she was a hornball like me, but SHE WASN’T EVEN MINE, at least biologically. Lorna had fucked around at least three times as much as I had, so she had no right to say that.

There was no way I could come up with another grand every month. Lorna pressured Jenna into aborting my first grandchild! After that, she wouldn’t let me see my girls for four months to punish me. She kept me from seeing them and took away my grandchild too! I hated her and wished she would just die! I hoped she would die slowly, and in lots of pain!

Nearly a year later

When she finally let the girls stay at my place again, it was a big and unhappy surprise. I had scheduled three weeks off work, and my new girlfriend and I were going to spend it travelling around Europe. I packed my suitcases and loaded them into my car. I took out my phone to ask my girlfriend what time I should pick her up for our flight the next day. I was just about to dial her, when I saw Lorna’s car coming. She pulled into the driveway and the girls got out. Lorna stayed in the driver’s seat and told me, “You keep begging to see them all the time. The school year ended today. You can have them all summer!”

As she started backing out, I yelled, “NO! WAIT!” She ignored me and drove off. She also ignored my five phone calls.

I told my girlfriend the news. I had booked all the hotels, and she had paid for the flights. I was out three grand. She had spent nearly as much and was FURIOUS. She asked if I had a brother that wanted to go to Europe, and hung up before I could say anything else. She wouldn’t answer when I tried calling again, and I didn’t really blame her.

When I put my phone back in my pocket, I saw Jenna was smoking a cigarette! She was only 16! “Jenna! What in the Hell do you think you’re doing!”

“It’s okay, Dad. Since I’m almost old enough, Mom lets me smoke. She smokes like a chimney, and I know that you used to.”

I sighed. I didn’t want her hating me too, so I was a little lenient. “16 and 11 months isn’t almost 21! Not at my house! When you run out of cigarettes, you’re done. And no smoking in the house, only outside.”

She exhaled a white cloud and sighed. “Okay, I guess.”

After supper that night, I had a talk with all of them. “I know your mother lets you do a lot of things you shouldn’t. The rules here are different, because I want you to be safe and healthy. I don’t want any of you to smoke, but your mother already said Jenna could. When she’s done with the cigarettes she has, she’s not going to smoke anymore, at least not here.

I know you don’t have a bedtime at your Mom’s house, but when you’re here I want everybody but Jenna in their rooms by ten. Jenna can stay up until 11 because she’s older. I know some of you have boyfriends. They can visit, but only if the bedroom doors STAY OPEN. If the girls 15 or older want to go out on a date, you ask me first and you be home by ten. I don’t want you having sex until you’re married, but if you do, use condoms. I’ll buy some tomorrow. When you need more, just ask me. Until you’ve known the guy a long time and you want to have a baby, ALWAYS USE CONDOMS!”

I was shocked when 15-year-old Amy asked, “What’s a condom?”

Pam had just turned 16 and answered, “It’s another word for ‘rubber’ They’re kinda like balloons, right? I’ve never seen one though.”

Jenna rolled her eyes and declared, “Babies! You’re just little babies! Condoms are open on one end and shaped like a hot dog. They come rolled up in a package.” I was glad their older sister was willing to teach them. Unfortunately, she continued, “You put one inside you before the guy sticks his dick in, so you don’t get pregnant. If you do anal, you need to put one in your butt before he does it, so you don’t catch anything. Unless he has aids, you don’t need them for oral.”

Stacy was barely 12, so it was excusable when she asked, “Aural, like binaural headphones? Is that when he pokes it in your ear?”

I waved my hands. “NO! NO! NO! These things are very important, and somebody gave you a lot of BAD information! Let me go buy a few things and I’ll teach you, so you don’t get pregnant or catch diseases. Nobody leaves the house until I get back!”

I went to an adult store and picked up a 100-condom bulk pack. I didn’t want my girls taking any chances. I also got a couple of sex education videos. At first I was just going to buy one dildo to demonstrate condoms with, but I wasn’t sure if a small or medium size would work better. I smiled, remembering I was a ‘medium-large’ myself. I saw a box of six cheap dildos that only cost as much as the two individual ones together and got the set.

I also saw handcuffs, a whip, and a riding crop. I imagined using them on Lorna for not teaching our kids, but dismissed the fantasy.

As I was about to pull into the driveway, a rusty old Camaro backed out and drove away. I saw the driver had a tattoo of a skull atop his bald head. Jenna was standing by the front door smoking. I asked, “Who was that?”

“Rocko, one of Mom’s boyfriends.”

“What did he want?”

With a guilty look on her face, she said, “Uh ... um ... he asked where Mom was.”

“Why are you holding a carton of cigarettes? I thought you were almost out?”

Next came the moment when I learned what a truly terrible parent Lorna was. My oldest daughter horrified me by explaining, “He gives me cigarettes for blowjobs. Mom said since it’s not sex it’s not a big deal. Blowjobs are like kissing, just kissing a different part of the body. Him and Mom are both happy I do it when she’s not in the mood to fuck.”

“OHMIGAWD! You just sucked off a guy my age! With ugly tattoos all over him? And your mother is OKAY WITH IT! Why THE HELL...”

“You said I have to stop smoking when I’m out, and I didn’t want to be out.”

“GAAH!” I gritted my teeth.

As I walked inside, Pam quietly whispered to me, “Can I talk to you in your room, Dad? I have a problem.”

“You can always talk to me about anything. Sure.”

I sat on the end of the bed, and Pam’s face turned as red as a cooked lobster as she quietly said, “It’s a problem between my legs. It itches and hurts a little.”

“Lock the door and show me.” I took out a magnifying glass and it only took a few seconds to determine she had crabs. MY DAUGHTER WAS BARELY 16 AND HAD VD! I assured her, “It’s okay. There’s a special shampoo to get rid of it. I’ll get you to the clinic in the morning. Until then, a hot bath with lots of soap might help a little.”

She pulled her pants up and bashfully said, “Amy said she’s itchy too, but she was ashamed to tell you.” In the next two minutes, I learned that my three oldest all had crabs! I checked Stacy and Tracy too, but fortunately they were clean. I asked if the three had done anything intimate with the same person and got another shock.

“Mom’s boyfriend Buzzdog gives us beer for playing with him, or sometimes money. He doesn’t put his thing in us, he just rubs it between our legs. It’s icky to get his goo on us, but he says we can’t get pregnant or diseases that way.”

“A lot of guys lie, especially to get sex. You got crabs that way. If even a tiny bit of semen or ‘goo’ goes inside you, you can get pregnant that way too.” They had shocked looks on their faces.

I was terribly embarrassed to give all five the condom demonstration. I wanted to be sure they understood and had each of them put a condom on a dildo to check that they knew how.

“Good. Any time a boy or man wants his penis anywhere near you, you put a condom on him, and make sure he doesn’t take it off until after you’re done.

I’m pretty tired, so I’m going to sleep. I want all of you to watch the sex education videos I got. You need to learn to be safe.” I saw it raining out the window and said, “Jenna, since the weather’s bad, you can smoke at the kitchen table with the windows open. Nobody leaves the house tonight, and don’t let anybody in. I’m going to take all of you to the doctor tomorrow, to make sure you don’t have any other problems. Good night.”

I got a chorus of “Good night, Dad.”

I got another major surprise in the morning, when I saw about 20 condoms scattered around the living room. The mess bothered me, but I was glad they practiced putting them on the dildos, so they would be ready for boys. When I looked closer, I saw most of the condoms had dried fluid and some had a pubic hair or two on them. They had ... my girls had ... I just couldn’t believe they had put the toys inside themselves!

In the kitchen I saw the ashtray was full. There were at least 20 butts in it! Either Jenna smoked as much as her mother already, or ... or some of my other daughters smoked too! I went to get the pancake mix from the pantry to make breakfast and saw a bottle of red wine was missing. My kids drank my wine! My girls were drinkers!