Chapter 17: The Old One

It was Grace who found me.

I was sitting on a pile of rocks in the middle of a large pasture. The house wasn’t in sight, and I had no idea how long I had sat there. The sun was still up, but the moon had already risen in the late afternoon sky. I was deep in thought about all that had happened to me since I had left Anna standing in the barn.

When Anna had told me I could touch her, I suddenly realized I didn’t need to touch her to sense her emotions. All the words and images came to me, flooding me without the physical contact.

I was stunned for a moment.

“What had happened, what had just changed?” I wondered. “What did it all mean? And most importantly, why me?”

I remember walking for what seemed like hours, until I saw the smoke. It drew me as I changed direction slightly, heading towards it. It wasn’t long until I could see the small fire it came from. Beside the fire, a man squatted on his haunches watching me. He looked Native American from where I stood.

“What does ‘Native American’ mean?” the thought, came to me, clear as a bell.

“It’s another term for people native to the land known as America. Also referred to as Indians,” I replied.

“Come. Sit. I have something for you to drink,” he told me.

I started to ask what it was, as he took a ladle and dipped into the small pot of bubbling brew. But suddenly I felt everything was fine, as he ladled the brew into a mug and handed it to me.

“Drink,” he commanded.

I did as he requested, expecting it to be hot, but I was surprised to find it refreshingly cool. I looked up at him, the questions written on my face.

He just laughed.

“Things are rarely what they seem, young one,” he told me as he laughed again. I caught his double meaning.

“What is happening?” I thought.

“Wrong question,” he answered.

“Why is it happening?” I ventured.

“Better, but still wrong,” he thought back.

“I am not in the mood to play twenty questions!” I thought to myself, as I took another sip.

As the cool brew made its way down my throat, I felt an ebbing feeling, as if my worries were just melting away. As they did, I began to sense the things around me.

Suddenly I was aware of a large elk! He was standing next to a stream, maybe a hundred yards away. He looked at me and I knew he was appraising me for any danger.

“I’m no danger,” I thought. He didn’t respond, but I knew he understood. I was almost disappointed. I think, because our channel of communication seemed so clear, I expected him to speak back to me. It certainly wouldn’t have been any more surreal than anything else that was happening.

Then I became aware of the grasslands. They didn’t speak either, but I could feel the energy they were channeling. This too, came through clearly. It was peaceful. Balanced.

“Ahhh, you arrived quickly, young one,” he smiled.

“The grasslands, they’re balanced? Aren’t they? And at peace?” I thought the question. He didn’t have to answer, I knew I was right. So I continued, “Then the question is how. How do I become balanced and at peace?” I half asked, half stated.

“Yes,” he thought simply. I could sense his satisfaction with my conclusion. But he said nothing else.

“Well? How DO I become balanced and at peace?” I asked.

He made a sound, like clicking the roof of his mouth with his tongue, ‘tisk-tisk’, and sighed.

I sensed his disappointment in me and was immediately saddened. I don’t know why, but it was important that I please this man. He said nothing else. And we were quiet for a time.

“I can sense some of the stronger emotions of others because they are focused bursts or streams of energy. If I become balanced, I can feel other energies?” I finally decided.

“Almost. You erred only because you stated it as a question!” he thought with a grin.

Then taking me with him, I saw the world around us through his ‘eyes’. I breathed as a blade of grass, swam as a small fish, and even flew as a hawk. John and Jeff must have ridden nearby at some point, because we watched as Jeff’s horse was spooked by a rabbit. The Old One did something, and the horse calmed immediately.

He told me of the energies of the rocks, and the earth, but I wasn’t able to grasp those yet.

“In time, young one,” he said as he smiled.

I looked at him closely. Something about him was familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Why me?” I finally asked him.

The Old One looked at me for a long time, then he asked, “What do you seek?”

“That’s easy! I want to experience all the love and happiness I missed in my last lifetime!” I told him.

He smiled, like that summed everything up. I considered this for a while, trying to decide if it could be that simple. We sat there silently, as I continued to focus on the energies around me. The more I focused, the further away I could sense. I kept working with it, losing all track of time.

At some point, I realized he was no longer there, but on a hunch, I focused on his energy, and suddenly realized he was all around me. I decided to see if I could find the girls. I focused first on Nicky and could sense her worrying about me. I knew, somehow, that the girls were back from town. Next, I focused on Jenny. She was worried as well. Checking, one by one, I discovered they were all worried.

Catherine was filled with dread, and Anna, was almost frantic. She was about to call for an S&R team, so I pushed calmness to each of them. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to try speaking to them. But I knew I was not ready to return to the ranch just yet, and leave all the peace and serenity I had found.

I went back to being the grass.

Like I said, it was Grace who found me. And after spending what seemed like ages being alone inside my head, I was glad to hear a real voice.

“Oh, Michael. When we got back and couldn’t find you, we were all worried. We were afraid the Russians had found you,” Grace told me. “But then I felt you, like you were telling me you were all right.”

“I was. But how did you find me?” I asked.

“I just followed the sound of your voice,” she said as if it was perfectly normal.

We started back towards the house.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“I think so,” I answered. “I just needed to work through some things in my head.”

“I can certainly understand that,” she said. “When I was sitting by your bed all those nights, I would think about what would happen if you would ever wake up. And sometimes, I imagined what it would be like, for you to take me in your arms, and sweep me away. Just your typical schoolgirl fantasy, right?”

I didn’t bother to reply. She wasn’t expecting one.

“Well, you woke up. And you took me in your arms. And you most definitely swept me away, Michael. Now, I’m afraid,” Grace told me. “What if you don’t like me? Or don’t want me? I mean, I’m pretty sure I want to be with you, but what if I’m not the one you want to be with. I don’t know what to do. I can’t bear to be away from you, but I am scared to be with you because you might see something about me you don’t like.”

“Too late, Grace. I already have,” I said flatly.

“I knew it!” she thought to herself. “I’ve already blown it and we’ve barely spent a day with each other! I knew it! I never should have come! But I can’t leave. Catherine would be so disappointed in me. She’s been so good to me and now that Natalie’s here and everything should be so perfect and I have blown it with the first boy I have ever fallen for...”

I could have let it go on, but it was dangerously close to spiraling out of control. Taking her hand, I stopped in the middle of the field, turning her to face me.

“Grace, do you want to know what I don’t like about you?” I asked.

She wouldn’t answer. I sensed her fear.

“I don’t like it that you doubt my feelings for you,” I told her. “If you want, I will love you and take care of you for the rest of our lives. But it will require you to trust me. Can you?”

I could see the indecision in her face; I could feel it inside her. I waited, patiently.

“Please don’t hurt me,” she told me. “I’ve already lost one of the only three people that loved me.”

I could sense she was referring to her mother.

“And my grandma, the second one that ever loved me, is dying. The third, my sister Natalie, is talking of leaving and going to work in Nashville to get money for college. When she leaves, I’ll have nobody. So yes! I want to, trust you I mean. I’ll try really hard.”

I hugged her to me, letting her cry it out. Then I let her feel the grasses, and then the stream that ran next to the path we followed, and a couple of birds that flew nearby. She quickly calmed.

“I want to ask how you did that. But right now, I don’t really care. Just promise me that whenever I get scared, you will do that for me again,” she made me promise.

“Forever...” I told her.

“He loves me! He really loves me!” were the only thoughts going through her head as we made our way back to the house.

When we got back to the house, my family poured out into the yard, surrounding us. Everyone was trying to talk at once, so I waited for them to calm down.

“Where have you been?” Catherine asked when the excitement over my return had cooled down.

“I went for a walk,” I replied.

“All day?” Catherine snapped, accusingly. “You had us all worried, Michael. What were you thinking?”

I just shrugged. But before I could answer, Anna came storming out of the house and down the steps to where we were standing. Stopping directly in front of me, she stared angrily into my eyes.

Suddenly, she looked around at everyone else that was standing there, watching and waiting to hear what she was going to say. Then, realizing any conversation we might have here would most definitely not remain private, she grabbed me by the hand, pulling me towards the big barn. She was walking so fast, it was almost a run.

Once we were inside the barn, Anna let go of my hand, then quickly slapped me across the face! Hard!

I stumbled backwards a couple of steps, before falling flat on my ass. I was so surprised that I didn’t even put my hands back to break my fall. I just sat there on my butt looking up at her. Her eyes were swimming in tears, her face contorted in anger.

“You son-of-a-bitch! Where were you? I was worried sick! You disappear, and then show up eight hours later like you’d just gone for a stroll!” she screamed at me. “You didn’t even touch me!”

“Ah-a-a-a! She’s not mad at me, she’s mad at herself,” I thought.

I took the time to read her then. I read it all. I had gotten the gist of the story this morning, but I saw the whole picture now. Kinda like the difference between looking at something in the fog, and then, when the fog has cleared. I was beginning to really appreciate what the Old One had shown me. Because I could see more, and see it more clearly, it was soon obvious what Anna wanted. I didn’t like it, but I decided she was right. She has dealt with this guilt much too long now.

“I told you why. I showed you the stall ... and you didn’t even touch me...” she continued her rant. Her voice became quieter, as if she was running out of steam. “You didn’t even touch me,” she said slowly, one more time. And then she collapsed to the barn floor beside me, crying.

If I was going to do this for her, I needed to get it over with, before I lost my resolve, I decided. Looking around, I soon spied what I thought would work. Then, standing, I pulled Anna roughly to her feet, and led her a few steps to the open entry of an empty stall.

“Stand right there! Don’t you so much as move a muscle!” I commanded in my sternest thought.

She heard me. She looked up at me, her face streaked with tears, but she didn’t move.

The stall used a simple rail to keep the horse inside. I reached down and picked up the rail, setting it securely in place in front of Anna, keeping her outside the stall. Then turning to a nearby tack table, I quickly looked through the various straps and leads, selecting a length of nylon rope. I also picked up a newer looking saddle blanket that was sitting on the tack box.

Turning back to Anna, I noted that while she hadn’t moved, she had followed me with her eyes. Dropping the tack for a moment, I doubled the saddle blanket and spread it over the rail in front of her. Then picking up the rope, I ducked under the rail, placing myself directly in front of her.

“Give me your hands!” I told her. Her anger was gone now, having been replaced temporarily by sadness and confusion. Suddenly, it changed to apprehension, as she hesitated.

“NOW!” I said fiercely.

Since she was almost as tall as I was, and with the training I knew she’d had, there was no doubt in my mind she could have whipped my ass in a fight. But she was frazzled, overwrought, and feeling guilty.

Anna meekly lifted her hands. She had been dealing with this guilt in every relationship she’d ever had, for over fifteen years. Somehow, I believe she realized it was time to put an end to the guilt. And I think she sensed, or maybe just hoped, that I was about to do just that!

I quickly wrapped the nylon rope around her wrists seven times, then I wound it between her hands until it was tight around her wrists. Taking the long loose end, I went to the feed rack on the far end of the stall, looped it over the bar, and pulled it taut, securing it with a slip knot. Now she was standing, slightly bent over the rail, her arms stretched out in front of her as far as she could reach.