Chapter 42

After the longwinded conversation on Monday the rest of the week passed uneventfully. Andrew had heard from Nikki that she had arrived safely, Francesca even came on the phone to say hi. He resolved to not worry about Saturday night with Allie, it would work itself out. In fact if the evening got cancelled then he would not have been too upset. The approaching anniversary of Faith’s death was weighing heavily on him, and he was not sure how upbeat he was going to be on Saturday. All the bad memories of the last week returned and Andrew didn’t sleep well. Too many times he could picture that morning in the hospice and would wake up feeling ill and upset. By Thursday morning Andrew knew he needed to talk about this and so asked his mother if she would make an appointment after school for him with Helen Graham, as soon as possible.

When Andrew was called to the office at break time the next day he wondered what on earth he had done now but it turned out that there had been a cancellation that morning and that Helen could see him that afternoon at 5.00. His mother had left a message with the school.

When Andrew was shown into her office Helen Graham looked as tall and elegant as ever. He took a while to warm up but then talked through his two issues. The fact that his life had turned round so much in the last year meant that his survivor guilt was more pronounced. Andrew hadn’t just survived, he had thrived and that contrast was jarring. Helen explained that Sunday with the Campbells would likely be very emotional and that he needed to be ready for that. The tears would be surprising strong but as with any outpouring of emotion it would be cathartic. She was more interested in his anger issues. These were new to her and they talked about when they were triggered.

“It came to a head in the run up to Christmas. In the space of two weeks I was treated poorly by a teacher, a parent of a friend and a potential customer. Treated with suspicion and in the case of the school I was guilty just on the word of the teacher. I could do nothing about the first two and I think I took out my anger on the third person. When he ignored what I was saying and abruptly ended the meeting I got mad. So I doubled the price of the deal and made his firm eat shit. They had to sign it and so I made an extra £1,000 just because of his attitude.”

“£1,000? What were you doing Andrew?”

“It was computer work. I have a small business that helps firms that have screwed up the install of their new computer systems. This lawyer didn’t want to listen to a 14 year old and acted like a jerk. There were two other witnesses. The actual meeting was calm if unprofessional on his part. It was when I got back to the office that I got angry. I have come to hate arrogant know-it-alls who do not treat me very well because of my age. I find teachers for the most part to be petty tyrants. We have to do what they say ‘because’.”

“It is a shame our time is up. Can you come back next week? I would like to discuss this control issue with you some more and how it triggers your anger. I think there are some techniques I can share with you that will allow you to not get so angry, or at least lessen it.”

Saturday was a hectic day. His father grudgingly agreed to drive Andrew down to the hockey since he had a bag with a change of clothes for that night. When he got to the pitch he saw Mr. Denofrio already at pitch side. He was clearly keeping an eye out for Andrew because he waved over as soon as he saw him.

“Good morning Andrew. Here come rain or shine?”

“I wish there was more shine, but yes Mr. Denofrio. Good morning to you also.”

“My mother says hello as well. You made quite the impression upon her. Which is rare, even for a Catholic.”

Here he smiled widely and Andrew laughed politely.

“I too have a grandmother still alive. If you speak proudly of the grandchildren you have a friend for life. What I said about Allie is true, it takes a lot of courage to transfer as a girl to a previously all boy school. Especially at our age. 25 boys staring at you like you are an exhibit at the zoo.”

Andrew shook his head as he remembered that first morning.

“Do you mind if I ask a couple of personal questions?”

“Go ahead. If it is something I don’t want to discuss I will tell you. I’m guessing it is about the cancer?”

He nodded.

“Alessandra had never told us about your cancer. I want to apologise for my brother, he kept pushing and you should have not been put in that position. May I ask what you had?”

“I had skin cancer on my lower back. It didn’t respond to radiation so I had to go through chemo. I did not attend school for the first two terms last year. As for Allie not telling you, I never brought it up and it was probably a month before the girls in my class and my year found out. I normally do not talk about it. I was lucky, I survived. Clotho has not finished spinning my thread. Others were not so lucky.”

Andrew thought of Faith and closed his eyes for a second.

“I apologise for bringing this up. It is still a raw wound, especially when you think of those others.”

They stood in silence for several minutes and watched the game. When there was a whistle for a stoppage Allie would often look over at the pair of them. Andrew could imagine what she was thinking.

“When you drive Allie home after the match you are going to get another interrogation.”

“I can see that. She is worried I am giving you a hard time. Maria has been quite vocal with Alessandra about this evening. She tried to talk me into not letting Alessandra go out this evening. But after my mother sprang a surprise family party for you I was not going to do that to you both. But you are both so young; a parent worries.”

“Allie and I talked about exactly that Mr. Denofrio, after school on Monday. She shared that her mother was quite against it. As I said to you a couple of weeks ago, it is trust and control. You have to be able to trust your daughter. Even though you have to give up control, it is a tough choice. And you are right, we are still young.”

The rest of the game passed without much further chat. As soon as the final whistle went, some of the team came over to say hi. They had played well and won so they were in a good mood. There was minimal teasing as Mr. Denofrio was there but several of the girls had cheeky smiles on their faces. Andrew noticed that Suzanne and Paula had just headed straight for the dressing room. There never seemed to be a chance to talk anymore and the relationship was withering away, exactly as their parents wanted. Andrew made his excuses and said he had to get off to work and the team walked off to the changing rooms.

“You have to go to work Andrew? Where do you work?”

It was just interest but he didn’t want to face a long explanation.

“I am helping one of my friends. His dad has some problems with his computer at work and he has asked if Julian and I could help him sort it. He had to swallow a lot of pride to admit that his son and friend knew more about computers than he did. He is a lawyer and is not used to teenage boys being useful.”

Andrew laughed and hoped that this fictionalised account would let him escape. It did. He managed to escape Mr. Denofrio’s clutches and head on his way. Julian was already there when he arrived and was hard at work. They were about half way through the clean-up and should be done by the end of the following day. Even allowing for Andrew to be gone by noon.

Dinner with Allie turned out to be fun. She was dropped off by her dad, who Andrew waved at, and he refrained from suggesting a kiss. They got tickets to the movie and walked down the hill to get some dinner. The natural unease at the start of the night gradually lifted and they were chatting away. He told her about his family and tried to speak positively about Rowan, and mostly succeeded. Allie was surprised that he had a baby brother so many years younger than he was. She herself had two older brothers who were both away at university so he had at least been spared that the previous week. The conversation flowed easily and they had a nice night.

Once they were in the cinema and the lights dimmed, Allie snuggled next to him but beyond that it was all very tame. Every time he looked down all he saw was the shock of curly black hair. Once the movie was over, they waited for the crowd to thin before moving from their seats and ended up standing off to the side of the lobby letting everyone else leave.

“Dad will be here in 10 minutes or so to collect me. They don’t want me on the bus this late at night.”

“They worry about you.”

“I had a fun time tonight Andrew, I am glad we did this. I would like to do it again but I don’t need the drama with Mum over it.”

She looked up at him with her dark eyes. She seemed tense.

“Don’t worry, they will get used to it. Pick a biker or someone like that as the next guy. It will make me look so much better.”

“It is all so confusing isn’t it Andrew? You were right on Monday. I have no idea what I want or why. I am glad you are my friend. Dad really likes you. I am not sure that you are going to get away with standing over on the far side on your own at the hockey anymore.”

This actually would solve any residual issues that Lyle might have. Andrew could cope with an hour of Dominic Denofrio every week. Then they saw her dad’s car and it was time to go. Despite the temptation to kiss her Andrew gave her a quick hug and headed off for his bus. It had been a fun night.

Unlike the next day. He and Julian finished about 11.45 so the computer work went smoothly. The lawyer who had let them in and supervised was pleased that they were finished early. The staff who had been fixed the week before had raved about how much better everything was. It was nice to get the positive feedback.

Andrew was intrigued as to who he would end up working with at the warehouse. Often people switched around as circumstances and absences dictated. He and Nikki had been an anomaly in that they were there nearly every week and worked together the whole time. Andrew would likely have a whole series of partners over the next few months. Ultimately that is what happened. He would get someone new and they would start to work away. It was only then Andrew realised how much turnover there was in the warehouse. It was hard work, cold in the winter, hot in summer. He would chat with Gord and Mike for a few minutes when he arrived but the easy conversation and camaraderie that he and Nikki had enjoyed was gone. As for the names, they were all a blur. Andrew didn’t remember much about his fellow volunteers in the first half of 1980. He still went every Sunday and enjoyed working to assist others but realised that he had been really lucky with Nikki for his first year.

The rest of the day was an emotional weepy mess. Leslie had repeatedly assured Andrew that Brian and Mary wanted him to come to dinner that day but it still felt awkward. He was intruding on an intensely private family moment. He felt he shouldn’t be there. After dinner Andrew went out the back door and just sat on the top step of the deck and wept. The Campbells had been trying to bring him out of himself but the talk was of computers, work, school, the Open University. All the things that Faith would never have. Andrew broke down and wept like he had never wept before. The survivor guilt that Helen Graham said he was carrying was crushing him. He was unaware of the arm around him at first he was so lost but gradually he calmed a bit and became aware of Leslie sitting beside him.

“You are taking it worse than anyone Andrew. I have never seen you like this.”

She sat there supporting him and sounding concerned.

“I went to see Helen Graham on Thursday after school Leslie. She says I have survivor guilt and it is pretty intense. I haven’t just survived Leslie, I have thrived. Look at my life, look at all the opportunities and experiences I have. I have so much and she got nothing.”

More tears came and they sat slowly freezing for too long. Eventually the tears dried and they went inside. There was a hot mug of tea waiting for each of them and Andrew sat at the kitchen table cradling it in his hands trying to warm up. Mary Campbell came through.

“She would want you to continue to take on the world Andrew. Don’t be upset because you have unlocked your potential. Remember your promise to her. You are living two lives. This time of year will always be awful. It will haunt Brian and me until the days we die. For you though it is the fuel to drive you forward. Let the tears flow today and tomorrow. But on Tuesday grab life by the throat again and keep shaking.”

Andrew felt selfish for his own anguish. What was it compared to the endless heartache that Mary said would haunt her and Brian until they died. A parent’s worst nightmare, a dead child. Time to channel the grief and guilt and keep charging forward. Leslie drove him home in silence, each alone with their thoughts. Andrew would call her on Tuesday and start to get life back on track.

February 4^th was a typical winter’s day in Scotland. Mortonhall’s grounds did not open until 8.00 so his mum was going to take him to school once he was finished. Mortonhall was the crematorium in southern Edinburgh where Faith’s ashes were interred.

So on the day of Faith’s death Andrew went to visit her. He walked the grounds in silence, there was not another living soul there. He had shed all his tears the day before. He stood and remembered their talks on death, they thought we were being so grown up, so brave, talking about death. Maybe they were. But this was death. Thousands and thousands of souls lying around him. The garden with the huge cross under which so many lay, including Faith. They had talked about death and Andrew had seen death hovering over Faith in her final days. This was the reality. A beautiful garden, lovingly tended, peaceful on a freezing windy Scottish morning. He was not at all religious, too questioning to believe. But he wondered if being religious helped at moments like then. For some the answer was obviously yes, for others such as himself it seemed so false and empty. Andrew stood looking at that cross, eyes watering in the wind and his face slowly numbing.

You can’t fight death, death always wins. Then he saw the vision of Faith writhing in agony as the cancer tortured her to death. His resolve hardened. He had wept, had mourned and still acutely felt the loss. Now he needed an enemy to hate, to fight, and cancer was that enemy. He had promised to live his life for both of them. Faith’s final words were to ask him to make a difference.

Andrew McLeod took one final look at Faith Campbell’s resting place, drew strength from it and turned and strode back to the car.

Understandably he was subdued the rest of the day and worked away in the library getting caught up and then ahead on his school work. That evening he worked on the last parts of his first practical submission, before saving it to disk and got it ready to send back to the Open University for grading. Andrew had received the first assignment back and had done really well, which was not unexpected since it was all easy stuff. The second assignment should be back to him that week. The rest of the week followed the same pattern. A focus on school and computing, it was calming for him. He had been tempted to start straight into the 4^th assignment but then realised that it built on the 3^rd assignment and that he better wait for it to be returned in case he was missing the point. Andrew actually had time to do a bit of coding for fun at the end of the week and play around with their inventory system program.

Allie had been friendly all week but made no reference to a follow up movie. Given how busy he was expecting to be all term this was okay. Life at Heriot’s in 3^rd year finally calmed down. They had all got used to each other. Swimming on a Monday was still awkward but once Andrew realised that the girls were staring as blatantly at him as the guys were staring at them it became funny. They were practicing the lifesaving stroke and taking turns holding people round the shoulders and swimming backwards with them. He was enjoying school but on his own terms. He was friendly with five or six people in his class, and rather tuned the rest out. There were a few digs at him for studying constantly but his test results could not be argued with and anyway he didn’t care. They only way Andrew was going to be able to cope with the computer course was to study very diligently while at school.

Work at the weekend was always changing. A lot of that was to do with the attitude and interference of the customer staff. Most were pleased to see them, if slightly surprised at their age. One guy seemed to be channeling his inner arsehole the weekend that they met him. He wasn’t happy to be in at the weekend. It was a medium sized firm of architects. Some of the businesses that they went to Andrew never really understood why they had computerised and if they had, why they had computerised so extensively. This was a classic example. There were lots of drafting tables in the various offices and spaces and he didn’t understand why there were computers everywhere as well. The office manager was late 50s, a veteran of WW2, they got told that within the first minute, and was argumentative and interfering from the start. Julian phoned Kyle Turner and let him know that they were getting nowhere there. Did Kyle have a number for the owner or managing director of the firm? Otherwise they might as well leave.

Which is what happened. Julian came back to where Andrew was trying to get the first system set up and told him that they should just pack up. The office manager finally realised that they were serious about leaving. They just walked away from his pointless blustering and begging. Kyle sent them instead to help another team who were scheduled to be there for more than a week. The following weekend they were met at the architects by the managing director and let in. He apologised for the previous week’s interference and then left them to it. The other customers? They all blurred into similar offices and bland cubicles, lying under desks, threading cables and then tying everything off. Once you sit at a terminal you could be anywhere. The two of them were making fantastic money and Andrew had sold the templates for a fortune. Once they were into March he and Julian started to look forward to the project ending. They were getting bored with the repetitive nature of the tasks, constantly doing beginners computer set up. It was a scandal that they were getting so much money for it so they kept quiet and worked on. Both had already agreed that the whole of term three was going to be devoted to coding and working on their own business software. Neither of them knew what they wanted to do for the summer.