Chapter 38

Andrew was exhausted but needed to clean up the little bedroom of the evidence of the previous night, and that morning. He started the shower, if for no other reason than to wash away the first of last night’s pops. Once the water was warm, it was never hot over there, he quickly washed focusing on his armpits and groin. He used plenty of soap to scrub himself clean. The water was borderline cold by the time he was done. Then dressed in the clothes he had packed for working at the farm, Andrew stripped the bed and balled the sheets up at the door to the little apartment. He took the trashcan to the door and then did a sweep of the room, nearly missing a condom wrapper but he spotted it under the bed and checked that the other two were in the trashcan. He then carried everything over to the farmhouse, left his bag in the hallway and took the sheets through to the laundry. Andrew could hear movement around the house and he knew that people were going to be up and about shortly. He decided to start the laundry even although it was only 6.15, the need to hide the evidence was more important than worrying about starting a wash too early in the morning. Finally Andrew emptied the trashcan in the dumpster outside. There was no trash service out there so the farm had a dumpster that was collected once a month. The debris of a drunken Hogmanay would be dumped on top before lunchtime and everything would be hidden. He took the trashcan back to the room and after one more final check left, the door propped open to air out any smells.

Back over at the farm Andrew started the coffee maker and then took a look around the ground floor. There were at least 10 men asleep in chairs, on the couches and, in a couple of cases, the floor. Everywhere he looked there were empty or mostly empty whisky bottles. The air was rancid and as he stood watching one of the men in a chair let rip with a thunderous fart. With that echoing in his ears Andrew retreated back to the kitchen. These men and several others who had dragged themselves to bed, including Hugh and his father, had spent the evening drinking. Andrew had drunk several cokes but nothing alcoholic and then spent several hours fucking the pretty 17 year old daughter of Harry’s head farmhand. He was tired and his dick ached a little. But he wouldn’t have changed places with these men for anything. They appeared to drink to forget. Andrew wanted to remember everything.

The coffee was ready so he grabbed a quick cup but kept a watch out the window and when he saw Mac come round the corner of the barn heading for the milking shed got up, grabbed his coat and went out to join him. Mac looked up but didn’t seem surprised.

“You always were an early riser. Nothing has changed, do you want to do the beef or dairy?”

“Dairy.”

They parted without another word and Andrew went over to the gate of the dairy field. The cows knew that it was time for milking and were all placidly waiting at the gate to be lead up to the shed. He slipped back into the routine of the summer. It was like muscle memory. Once all the suction cups were attached to the teats on the udders he walked back to check that the hose between the pasteuriser and the holding tank wasn’t leaking. Everything seemed fine. Once the cows were finished being milked Andrew got them back out to the field. He checked the water troughs and refilled the hay for them. Mac had finished the feeding and checking of the beef cattle and so the two of them cleaned and sterilised the milking equipment and made sure the shed was ready for the evening milking. It was 7.40 and the morning chores were done. Mac looked around but said nothing. Andrew assumed that everything met with his approval.

“Thanks for the help. I am off back to get breakfast for the missus. I am not needed until later.”

The wee ATV that Andrew had ridden all summer was parked in one of the bays of the machine shed.

“Get on. Harry won’t mind for five minutes.”

He had Mac back at his cottage in less than five minutes and was back parking the ATV in the Strachan’s farmyard when Harry wandered out looking very rough round the edges.

“Andrew?”

Clearly conversation was going to be limited.

“I ran Mac back to the cottage, I hope that was okay. Took less than 10 minutes.”

Hugh looked at his watch.

“Already? Cows?”

Monosyllabic was the conversation du jour.

“All finished. Milked, fed, and cleaned up. Quicker with the two of us.”

He only nodded and headed back into the house with Andrew trailing along behind him. What followed was a comical couple of hours as Harry kicked and cajoled various people awake. There was much moaning and more than a bit of cursing. Gradually people started to get themselves together. Andrew brought through mugs of coffee which helped a bit. Not as much as is commonly presumed because most of these jokers were still pretty drunk. They hadn’t got to the hangover stage yet. Coffee just made them more awake drunks not sober. The ATV got quite the workout. Andrew drove most of the men home to their farms, cutting round the edges of fields and managing to stay off the public roads. Conversation was very much at a minimum.

Around 11.20 the house was empty. Only the guests who had been invited to stay and who were in bedrooms were left. Andrew’s family and two others. All three families were two adults and two older kids. Only the McLeods had a baby. Josephine finally made an appearance and started to get things ready for a big communal breakfast. Andrew gave her a hand. He wasn’t an adult but he appeared to be the oldest sober person in the whole house. They finally left just after noon. His mum drove them home and when Andrew got to his room he stripped and climbed into bed, set the alarm for 4.00 and was out like a light.

When Andrew woke up he lay in bed thinking about his night. Kenzie. Wow. Did he feel different? Not really. Should he have said no? Aaah, now that was an interesting question. Andrew thought about the reversed roles, coming into the room of a 14 year old girl, calling her his fantasy. Hmmm. Suddenly he was not feeling very comfortable. But importantly Andrew realised he could have said stop, if he wasn’t ready. It was too late now to say whether he was ready or not. He had been ready the previous evening. He didn’t masturbate every night but it was three or four times a week. He was going through puberty but there was still a long way to go. Fuck, lots to think about. Come back to that.

Andrew thought he had performed well. Kenzie knew he would be on a hair trigger and got him off, twice, to ensure that they both enjoyed the actual fucking. The whole caressing of her body, taking his time, kissing the neck, teasing not twisting, all of that had worked. Andrew had thought about what Leslie had said so much that at least he didn’t just go crazy. They had been safe, Andrew needed to make sure he always had condoms now. That would be an interesting trip to the chemists! And then there was the conversation at the end, they didn’t make love, they fucked. Don’t romanticise it, be real and honest. A horny 17 year old woman had come to his room, seduced him and they had fucked repeatedly. He had known Kenzie and was friendly with her but she wasn’t his friend. She came to his room wanting a fuck and assuming that a 14 year old virgin would screw her if given the opportunity. Andrew fulfilled the assumption perfectly.

His mind was bouncing around. Other than fucking her he had never touched her pussy, never fingered her or went down on her. She was so worked up and ready that there had been no need to. They didn’t need to stop at letters B &C they were going straight to D. ‘You have a big head’. That comment came back to him. Andrew looked down at his flaccid dick. A big head. The glans at the top? The ridge round it near the top (he later found out this is called the corona)? Both? He had never really thought the shape of his dick. Like all guys he worried about length. But Kenzie had never mentioned it and Andrew had made her come four times over three separate occasions so a little of his anxiety lessened. But the shape? Who was he going to ask? Double hmmm. Leslie?

What was he going to tell Leslie? Was he going to tell her anything? She was the one who repeatedly told him to keep quiet, never brag, be discreet. Was she the exception to the rule? If the situation was reversed did he want to hear about her getting banged hard in doggy position? Well if nothing else, Sunday dinner at the Campbells should be interesting, not that they would be talking about this at dinner.

Finally Andrew thought about sex. As in, would he do it again? Well yes. But could he imagine seducing someone into bed? He could play the willing victim but could he take the lead? That was a different matter, more to think about. When Andrew went through to the kitchen it looked like his parents had just awoken from an afternoon nap as well.

“You tired as well Andrew? Not like you to nap in the afternoon?”

His dad stifled a yawn as he said that.

“Getting too old to drink that much whisky Dad?”

Andrew teased him. His father nodded back at him.

“Too right son. Why were you so tired?”

It seemed an innocent enough question and his mother was looking curiously at him as well. Well Dad I got three hours sleep because I lost my virginity in a torrid bout of sex. Truthful but probably too much info. Andrew imagined the reaction and suppressed a smile.

“I was up at 6.00 as usual and helped Mac with the milking and then spent three hours helping Harry get 14 drunk farmers out of the house. I drove a lot of them home on the little ATV. I would take it over the fields and didn’t go out on the roads. Plus I worked pretty hard for four days straight right up until I got home yesterday. Other than that no excuse.”

Andrew smirked at them. It was his mother that responded.

“We shouldn’t have asked. You make me tired just listening to you. I am surprised you only napped for a couple of hours. You are a good man Andrew. Sounds like you just pitched in and helped Harry. People remember things like that. I know it is only January 1^st but have you given any thought as to what you want to do next summer?”

It was a genuine family moment. Again notable by its rarity.

“I think it is too soon to know, never mind decide. I have to see how I get on with the combination of the school and the Open University course. I may use the summer to study full time for a month. Then there is the computer business. It may have withered to nothing or it could be really busy. Julian is keen to do customer work a couple of weekends a month. If his dad’s firm is happy on Friday that could go a long way to getting our name out there. I could go and work for Harry again. One of the things I will think about is the money. I am not going to be totally money obsessed but when I get paid to use my brain I get a lot of money. When I get paid to use my muscles I get paid a lot less money. Plus I would like balance. Whatever that means for me and my crazy life. CCF camp. Sunday volunteering. There is a lot going on.”

Andrew finished and looked over at them.

“All I can say is you won’t be spending 10 hours a day lounging around in front of the TV. You have worked hard these last few years. You have made quite the life for yourself.”

His mother came over and kissed him on the forehead. Andrew retired back to his room, pleased that he and his parents had managed to connect even if it was an irregular occurrence. Later that night Leslie called and Andrew wished her a Happy New Year.

“The reason for the call Andrew is that we would like you to come to dinner with us on Thursday. It would have been Faith’s 17^th birthday.”

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to impose on family time.”

“That is what Mum thought you would say. She told me to tell you to ‘not be so silly’. I am not sure they will ever say it but they really have semi-adopted you Andrew. Like I said I am not sure they will call you family but they treat you that way.”

He was silent.

“You still there? Andrew? Andrew?”

“I am here. Just touched and a bit emotional. Tell your parents thank you and I will be there just after 6pm on Thursday. I am at Strong’s firm until the end of the business day.”

The next day Andrew went back to his exercises, having skipped them on New Year’s Day. He pushed himself up to 180 sit ups and 80 push ups and was feeling it at the end. Later he went for a 90 minute run, set an easy pace in the 45 minutes out and picked it up on the way back. He was done in 86 minutes so he really must have gone easy on the way out. He walked round the block three times before his breathing was back under control. January 2^nd is a national holiday in Scotland so Andrew knew all the pools would be closed. After showering and eating thirds of breakfast he went through to his room and planned for 1980. It was the perfect day. Nothing to do. No one to see. Time to think about the life plan and the goals.

The plan had six parts. School and then University, Career, Balance, Karma, Money & Make a Difference, Fitness.

Normally school was the easiest one of his goals since this was the one that was most straightforward. At the end of last term Andrew had felt disillusioned and angry. That anger had grown over the holidays with him taking it out on Stuart McBride. He made a note to make an appointment to see Helen Graham. As he sat there two weeks removed from all the unnecessary drama at school he resolved to pull back a little. He would still support his friends where possible but it would be less obvious. Suzanne and Paula had dropped tutoring, he would need to check to see if the tutoring sign was still there. Take a term off from tutoring? Perhaps focus on the Open University and the computer business. The first could use the time and the second would provide the money. That would allow him time for his homework and stay ahead on the schoolwork after school and let him work on the computer course in the evening.

Career was the one that just was a placeholder at present. The plan for university hadn’t changed. This one would not need to be addressed until a couple of years’ time.

Balance was all over the place. Andrew had friends, real actual friends. Leslie, Nikki, Julian, Pete, Don, Suzanne, Paula, Hannah, Kate and Allie. What was good was that a lot of them had met each other. He had interests and had friends who shared that interest. He did wonder if Suzanne and Paula had been de facto girlfriends even if they never actually said out loud. The reality was it was actually just good friends with a bit of kissing thrown in every couple of weeks. And now that was all on hold due to the interfering mothers. Andrew was not going to abandon them but at the same time he wasn’t going to sit at home pining for them. The biggest issue was them standing up to their parents and he was not getting in the middle of that. He and Leslie would talk on Sunday but their relationship continued to evolve. The business was adding an interesting wrinkle into their lives. Andrew felt this was rock solid. He would be sad to see Nikki leave if she did get a transfer out to Glasgow. She should know soon and it could be she would be gone before the end of the upcoming term. He would keep in touch with her but again life had to continue on. Andrew tended to use balance as short hand for this whole goal. But the goal had family, relationships and sex as well. Family was okay, he was sort of resigned to okay being the best that was possible. More and more it seemed that his parents were letting him live his own life. But between Scott who was a baby, and Rowan who acted like a baby, Andrew seemed to slip through the cracks. The last month Andrew had felt a couple of genuine family moments. But he remembered how rare such shows of love, or praise or pride were.

But his life was separate, ring-fenced almost. He was responsible for paying both his school fees and the Open University course fees. With that responsibility came a lot of freedom. Andrew was just unsure what it all meant.

Andrew was a firm believer in Karma. Too many good and positive things had happened as a result of helping others. Mr. Campbell and all the hard work led to money, connections and opportunities. Defending Julian from his father’s digs led to an opportunity. Treating everyone with kindness and respect had worked. He never got into it, walked away and didn’t fight with Rowan. Had supported the girls when they arrived at the school from the very first day. Sure there had been ups and downs but way more ups than downs.

Money was the goal that had changed the most dramatically since July 1^st of the previous year. In just six months Andrew had started a business and it was making money. He could afford to continue to pay for his own education and was helping Julian make money so that he could get a new computer. He had given Leslie 10% of the company so that she felt connected to goals and that she felt a part of living Faith’s life. This goal was probably going too well, if there was such a thing. He would have around £1,500 in the company bank account once he had paid Julian and Mhairi. The fees for the remaining two terms were going to come out of the £1,600 Andrew had at the bank as well as the money in his drawer in his bedroom. He had more than £400 just sitting in the drawer from tutoring and helping Mr. Campbell. Andrew had originally felt bad about how much he had charged Suzanne and Paula for the tutoring but given how their parents treated him at the end of term he had got over it. This is where the goals started to intermingle and mutually reinforce. Helped two female students who were struggling academically. Karma. Got paid by them. Money. Used the money to pay the school fees. School. Took the pressure off mum and dad. Karma & Balance. Became good friends with the women he tutored. Relationships.

Making a difference. This was 5b to Money’s 5a. The goal to was make money so that he could spend it to make a difference. But now it was tied into balance and karma and even school. It had become a mindset. Make a difference. It was becoming the way Andrew lived his life.

Finally there was fitness, the most dramatic change. The most amazing change in outlook. Andrew needed to exercise now. He was never going to be a world class or even regional class swimmer or runner. But he was a regular swimmer and runner, exercised every day. He liked the broad lean look. He had no interest in lifting weights or bulking up. The body had also attracted a lot of attention, the girls all noticed. Hell he got laid the previous day precisely because of his looks. Whilst he hadn’t been exercising nearly as long as he had been studying it already felt like an ingrained habit. He got up at 5.45 in the autumn and would continue through the rest of the winter.

Looking over the list Andrew had very little to complain about. Stay out of trouble at school, be wary of parents and focus on keeping a balance. He made a note to call Helen Graham and make an afternoon appointment for the following week.

Andrew went to bed early on January 2^nd. Not because he wanted to immediately get to sleep. He wanted quiet time to think about his dead friend, and the 17^th birthday she never got to live.

January 3^rd would have been Faith’s birthday. Andrew lay in bed thinking about Faith. He and Leslie kept her memory alive with her parents, in the sense of focusing on the positive impact that she had on his life. Andrew had met her on December 4^th 1978 and she was dead February 4^th 1979. He knew her a mere 63 days and had said his goodbyes before he had known her even 60 days. How had there been such an impact in so short a time? He lay there trying to think of just Faith, as opposed to Faith and Leslie. The conversations around death and the Fates were the things that were purely theirs. He had shared them with both sets of parents and Leslie. No one else. Wait, he had also talked about them with Helen Graham as well. These conversations led to his talking about his life and then the setting out of his life goals. What had triggered that trust in him to talk to relative strangers about everything? They had managed to get Andrew to talk about things he had never thought of. Leslie always said that Faith was the insightful one. She was the observer and understood what was going on just by watching from a distance.