Chapter 51: Moving On

-- SATURDAY, JUNE 20, 2009 --

Summer and I stood outside the dramatic, angular SkyRose Chapel perched near the cliff’s edge of the hillside, with the Los Angeles city skyline in the background. With less than an hour to go until sunset, the shadows were long and the light rapidly dimming, although it had not yet started to change colors and remained fairly bright. And the early evening June air was warm and comfortable.

As Adrienne suggested, we’d chosen to think of tonight’s events as a “Celebration of Life” rather than a funeral. Guests were expressly forbidden from wearing black, and we encouraged cheerful colors in general. Summer herself was in a metallic silver dress with a high collar that didn’t expose much skin but nevertheless flattered her spectacular figure. Others were dressed in a variety of spring and summer outfits. And I was dressed in gray slacks and a light blue button-down shirt with a white tie.

Overall, the mood was upbeat. Close to a hundred people were chatting with each other, old friends catching up. My family, the Evanses, and our inner circle of friends had made the trip from NorCal on a charter flight that Adrienne booked for us so that we could bury Yvaine with her parents at the Rose Hills Cemetary. Also, quite a number of Yvaine’s SoCal friends had accepted our invitations to attend. Several were parents of Summer’s ex-classmates, both high school and college. Some of those ex-classmates were in attendance, which turned the funeral into miniature high school and UCLA reunions. A few high school cheerleaders were in attendance, including Candy Carter, Mizuho Nishioka, and Heather Wilkinson, not to mention Adrienne and Lynne. Brooke and DJ had also joined us, along with their boyfriends, not because any of them knew Summer very well, but just to show their support with their presence.

But nearly all of them were presently gathered inside the picturesque building with its 70-foot cathedral ceiling supported by an array of diagonally-biased wood beams. Summer and I, however, were outside, ostensibly staring across the horizon at the city in the distance, although neither of us was actually looking. Out here, the mood wasn’t quite as upbeat.

I found myself reminded of the times I’d stood with Yvaine alongside the fence in her backyard, staring out across the city without actually looking. Summer’s face was buried against my chest as she cried and cried and cried. Her makeup was running and staining my light blue shirt, and I would bear those extra splotches of color for the rest of the evening. She’d actually done a really good job of keeping it together throughout the day. But with about fifteen minutes to go before the service was scheduled to start, she’d completely lost it and I’d gently ushered her out a side door.

So now I stood just outside the building, vaguely pointed in the direction of the city, holding my inconsolable girlfriend in my arms trying to be strong and brave for her. Like witnessing a yawn, though, her grief was contagious, and I found the solid rock wall of my masculine stoicism eroding away until the first cracks appeared and liquid anguish seeped out in the form of tears rolling down my own cheeks.

A fresh pair of arms suddenly wrapped around me, followed by a second pair. Without needing to turn around to check, I felt Adrienne’s presence against my back. Or perhaps I felt her boobs. One or the other. And hugging both me and Summer from the side was Dawn, her ice-blue hair instantly recognizable in my peripheral vision. And for a long, long time, my Nestmates and I simply remained huddled together like that, four individuals united as one.

Eventually, Summer’s sobbing eased and she raised her face off my chest. Only now did she realize how much of her makeup she’d smeared onto my shirt, and she tried unsuccessfully to wipe the colors off with her fingers for a moment before shooting me an apologetic look. I wiped my own wet eyes and let her know it was no big deal before softly kissing her forehead. And then she sighed and lay her cheek down on my shoulder, mumbling, “I’m not ready to go back in there. I’m not sure I can see her like that again.”

I exhaled slowly and stroked Summer’s spine. We were having an open casket funeral, and the morticians had done an excellent job of making Yvaine look exceptionally beautiful and peaceful, as if she were merely sleeping in repose. When I looked down, I kept waiting for her to wake up and smile at me. And as the seconds ticked by without her doing so, reminding me that she would never open her eyes again, despair shattered my poor glass heart into a million pieces all over again.

“I know what you mean,” I told Summer softly. “If you really want, we can ask them to close the casket.”

“No, no, don’t do that.” She shuddered and buried her face into my shirt again. “Closing the casket would feel like saying goodbye, and I’m not ready to say goodbye.”

“It’s not goodbye,” I told her. “It’s ‘until we meet again.’”

“I wanna go meet her right now...” she moaned forlornly, as her hands bunched up the fabric of my shirt.

I exhaled slowly and raised my eyes. Dawn met my gaze with her own, and neither of us needed a mysterious link to know what the other was thinking. She rubbed Summer’s shoulders and bent to peck her BFF on the side of her head before giving me another look. We both knew not to let Summer out of our sight for a while. On the same wavelength, Adrienne leaned over to peck Summer on the top of her head as well before meeting my eyes in confirmation.

It took another twenty minutes to get Summer calmed down enough to go back inside.

That was okay. The service would wait for us.

And eventually, we went inside and paid our last respects.

“Heyyy, Summer...” an unknown voice warily greeted my girlfriend, causing me to look up.

An unfamiliar blonde beauty stared down at us, immaculately put together in a trophy wife way that very much reminded me of Yvaine. Her platinum-blonde hair was done up in expensive-looking salon-styled curls, she wore quite a bit of jewelry, and her dress was obviously tailored to fit her outrageous curves. But unlike many of the other “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” guests that were of similar age to Yvaine, this particular blonde beauty looked like she could’ve been younger than me.

The blonde’s identity pinged in some corner of my lizard brain that realized her fabulously fit body enhanced with silicone Double-Ds was of similar build and size to Summer herself. Plus, I knew I’d seen her in old photo albums on Summer’s Facebook page. But before I could say anything, Summer spoke up first.

“Jayla, heyyy...” my girlfriend said with a small smile.

“Jayla McDaniels,” I stated in recognition. “Summer’s McTwin from UCLA.”

The blonde smiled rather flirtatiously at me. I didn’t think she was actually trying to hit on me at Yvaine’s funeral or anything, but rather that a flirtatious smile was simply her default setting. “Jayla Friedmann, actually. McDaniels was my maiden name.”

“Right. Summer told me you’d married a cardiologist.” I gave her a weary smile. “Thank you for coming, Jayla. I’m Ben.”

“I know, of course. Every time I’ve talked to Summer over the past year it’s been ‘Ben-this’ and ‘Ben-that’, and she even mentioned you back at UCLA. You’ve made my friend very happy, and as I understand it, you saved her life. Thank you for that.” Jayla turned her attention to Summer as she pulled out the empty chair next to my girlfriend and sat down.

For her part, Summer bowed her head, brushed long locks of red hair away from her face, and tucked them behind her ear. She then squeezed my hand before looking up at Jayla with a sad look. “How’ve you been?”

“Me? I’m supposed to be asking you,” Jayla replied lightly, trying hard to keep her expression positive. “How are you holding up?”

“Trying to keep it together,” Summer sighed. “Mostly succeeding, thanks to Ben and Dawn.” She then glanced over her shoulder and across the Sheraton hotel ballroom where we were having the post-funeral reception. Dawn had gone to collect some food and drinks for the three of us. Adrienne was basically emceeing the event, having just now thanked everyone for coming to celebrate Yvaine’s life on Summer’s behalf. The supermodel remained on the elevated stage next to the pianist playing soothing music on a grand piano, talking to some of Yvaine’s friends.

This moment was really the first opportunity for anyone to come talk to Summer, given that she and I had remained sequestered from the assembled guests prior to the SkyRose Chapel service and then been the last ones to arrive and take our seats at the table here in the ballroom. I still wasn’t sure if my girlfriend was up for socializing, so I held her hand, attentively watching for any signs of distress or other reason to cut this conversation short.

But Jayla had a way of putting Summer at ease with friendly chatter, and within a minute or two Summer actually managed to crack a smile as the pair reminisced about some silly thing that happened at UCLA. After that, perhaps recognizing that the dark cloud that had been hanging over Summer’s head had somewhat dissipated, the other guests started to meander over to extend their condolences to Summer and talk about what Yvaine meant to them. And we spent the next two hours receiving Summer’s well-wishers.

Summer’s college and post-college SoCal friends were the first to come by, many of whom were also friends with Jayla. They collectively spent more time catching up with each other rather than talk about Summer’s mom, sharing their recent adventures and relationship foibles. I was mostly the strong and silent type next to the girls, politely introducing myself when asked, blushing when one of them complimented Summer about how handsome I was, and basically not interjecting myself into the conversation.

During that time, Dawn returned and gave us our plates and drinks, although they went largely untouched on the table. She also took an empty seat next to Jayla rather than displace the blonde, remaining present and attentive but not intruding on the conversation.

Afterwards, Jayla excused herself and Dawn moved back into the seat next to Summer. The pair of them interlaced their fingers together and Dawn gave her BFF a reassuring squeeze. Summer’s and my high school friends started stopping by. Like Summer’s college friends, they spent more time catching up with each other’s lives than talking about Yvaine. And since they were my friends as well, I got to participate in the friendly banter.

Summer’s dad and brother stopped by as well. They’d spoken to us briefly before the ceremony started, but Summer clearly didn’t want anything to do with either of them at the time, nor did she really want to talk to them now. Both moved on fairly quickly.

Towards the end of the night, Yvaine’s friends stopped by before departing, offering their sympathy, prayers, and occasional remembrances of what Yvaine meant to them before moving on. The room had been somewhat divided across the generation gap for most of the evening - not uncomfortably so, people just tended to hang out with people their own age. But once the “old folks” began heading home, the rest of us started to wrap up as well. Brooke, DJ, and their boyfriends came to say goodbye after spending most of the evening with our families. The SoCal high school, college, and post-college crowd came by one last time to wish us well and then departed.

But when I got up to ask my Dad to take a pass around the room and make sure nothing got left behind while I took Summer upstairs to our hotel room, I returned to my girlfriend and found her talking one-on-one with Jayla.

“Hey, Sunshine,” I said warmly, if wearily, wrapping my arm around Summer’s waist and hugging her against my side. “How about we call it a night?”

But the platinum-blonde bombshell squeezed Summer’s hand and asked, “Actually, Ben, would you mind me borrowing Summer for a bit? I just want to talk to her in private but I promise I’ll bring her right back.”

Before answering, I checked first with Summer. She gave me a reassuring smile, saying, “We’ll be right back.”

So I nodded. “Sure. I’ll be right here.”

Summer first came to peck my cheek and squeeze my arm, and then she left hand-in-hand with Jayla. For my part, I figured one more Jack-n-Coke wouldn’t hurt and headed for the bar.

The girls came back twenty minutes later. By then, my family had collected all of our belongings, and most of them had already headed upstairs to their rooms, but both Dawn and Adrienne were waiting with me. I asked Summer if everything was alright, my girlfriend told me she was fine and that Jayla just wanted to make sure Summer honestly felt happy and - more importantly - felt safe with her boyfriend (without said boyfriend being present).

Dawn nodded her understanding. “Given the way your previous boyfriends treated you, it’s not surprising that she’d be concerned. I know you’ve been pretty protective of Summer today, but from Jayla’s point of view you could’ve come across as hovering and more than a little bit possessive.”

“It’s nice to know she still cares,” Summer said with a smile. “She also said she wanted to come up to the Bay Area and visit sometime. I told her she’d be more than welcome anytime.”

Adrienne shot me a little smirk, but I rolled my eyes. Tonight was definitely not a night to be thinking about sex.

Or so I thought.

An hour later, the four of us were all freshly showered and ready for bed. Adrienne had gotten us a King suite. We were all pretty tired after a long, emotionally-draining day. Summer pillowed her head on my left shoulder. Adrienne was pillowed on my right.

Dawn, however, was fiddling with her phone. And a moment later, a male voice started whispering from the speakers, “Get up, get up, get up, get up ... Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up...”

Adrienne giggled. Summer looked up at me with a smile. And despite everything that had happened today, my sweet redhead crawled up my body and sealed her lips over mine in a warmly radiant kiss.

-- SUNDAY, JUNE 21, 2009 --

“Not exactly how I wanted to celebrate your birthday,” I told Adrienne as we settled onto the couch, already worn out even though it was still early in the afternoon.

Despite spending most of the day sitting on my ass driving to the airport, flying in a chartered plane with my friends and family, and then riding back to The Nest, I felt tired. Summer felt even more emotionally wiped out and was currently upstairs napping in my bed with Dawn. We were alone in the house, as Kim and June had taken BJ straight from the Oakland airport to The Aerie; Eden, Emma, and Eve had gone back to The Birdhouse; Bert and Lynne had gone to their apartment; and everyone outside of Berkeley, well ... they went to their homes outside of Berkeley.

Shaking my head, I muttered, “I had these big elaborate plans.”

“I know,” Adrienne sighed. “Sasha told me.”

I blinked and glanced across to the other couch. “You did?”

Sasha shrugged. “What? I mean, I know we had to scrap those plans given everything else going on. I figured she’d at least like to know what you DID plan for her.”

“Yeah, but now I can’t re-use those plans another time since she already knows. Like ... we could’ve done the same thing next year, right?”

Sasha snorted. “I promise you she’ll love your plans next year just as much.”

“I would,” Adrienne assured me while rubbing my knee. “Silver lining, a few old friends like Candy and Heather wished me happy birthday yesterday, people I wouldn’t have ordinarily seen without all this going on.”

“I suppose.” I sighed. “On the other hand, if it would make you feel better, maybe you two should go visit the Tri-Delt Chapter House and celebrate. Would make for a nice distraction.”

Adrienne shook her head immediately. “As if I’d go over there without you on my birthday. No, I’m exactly where I want to be, with who I want to be.” With that, Adrienne opened her other arm, beckoning Sasha to her.

The beautiful brunette smiled and got up from the other couch, pivoting around the coffee table and settling into the grasp of Adrienne’s arm.

My Tigress hugged both of us, sighing in contentment, before pecking the side of Sasha’s head. “More silver linings. I’m happy you’re back.”

“For now,” I cautioned.

“For good, actually,” Sasha corrected matter-of-factly.

I blinked in surprise and looked across Adrienne at Sasha, exclaiming, “Really?”

Adrienne had also sat up, exclaiming “Really?” at the exact same time as me.

Sasha grinned at both of us. “I told you guys I’d make up my mind after the funeral. Well, it’s now after the funeral. Uh, Happy Birthday, honey?”

Adrienne grinned and squeezed Sasha fiercely. “Best birthday present I could’ve ever hoped for.”

Sasha smirked. “Better than the TDN reunion for your birthday?” she teased.

“No knock on the TDN girls, but we can have a TDN reunion next week. Hearing you say you’re back for good? Seriously: best birthday present.”

I frowned. “Actually, I don’t remember you saying you’d make up your mind after the funeral. I thought you only promised to stick around through the funeral to make sure everyone was settled, but then after that you’d take the magnetic pull to go back out there and resume exploring the world.”

“Oh, I still want to explore the world, but now that I’ve been home for a week, I realized how much more comfortable I am here,” Sasha explained. “Don’t get me wrong: I loved hopping from city to city every few days, meeting new people, tasting new ... uh... foods...”

Adrienne and I both laughed.

She doesn’t actually mean ‘foods’.

Thank you. I know already.

She’s talking about all the pussy she’s been tasting out there on--

I get it, I get it, you can shut up now.

“But if you spend a long enough time doing something, no matter what it is, it’ll start to become routine,” Sasha continued. “Even globe-trotting started to become routine, and I found that I missed you guys. I told Adrienne before that I was thinking about coming home. Yvaine’s death obviously sped up my timetable, but I honestly think I would’ve come home within a week anyway. I thought it’d be a good idea to come home and surprise you for your birthday, actually.”

“Well, you told me you were thinking about coming home,” Adrienne interjected, “but then leaving again after taking a few weeks to decompress and ... well ... get us to fuck your brains out a bit.”

Sasha giggled. “Yes, that was the plan, but with the emotional weight of everything going on, the whole fucking my brains out part never really happened. I mean, we’ve been getting together as part of the whole ‘sexual healing’ bit, but that’s more catharsis from grief than fucking for the fun of fucking.”

“Sorry,” I apologized.

“Oh, don’t say sorry for that.” Sasha shook her head. “Sexual healing wasn’t what I expected, but as it turns out it’s what I needed. Our whole extended family came together in a very powerful way, bonding through tragedy. This whole week we’ve been supporting each other, grieving together, and quite honestly ... you’ve demonstrated just how empty my dalliances around the world really were.”

I frowned. “Don’t regret those dalliances. You were supposed to go out there and enjoy yourself.”

“And I did, I did. I was like a kid in a candy store. So many sweet things to try.” Sasha waggled her eyebrows, her irises sizzling. “But I think I got a bit of sugar-overload and I’m ready to leave the candy store. With the rest of you so ... introspective ... this past week, with a lot of time to stop and think, I’ve also had a lot of time this week to really stop and think. I got to decompress from my trip and ponder what I really want to do for the rest of my life. To really consider the next stage of my evolution.”

I smiled. “It’s funny you mention the word ‘evolution’. That’s exactly what I started to think about your journey over the years. I’ve thought a lot about the person you were when I first met you and how much you’ve transformed into the woman I see today.”

“Really? What have you seen?”

I took a deep breath and thought about that. “First time I met you was as a guy noticing a really, really beautiful girl in one of my classes. I mean, you were still dressing to hide your body, but I could tell.”

Sasha blushed and looked down.

“We became friends, and even lovers,” I continued. “I thought of everything we’d been through since our senior year of college. I realized how I’d taken your presence in my life for granted, assuming you’d always be close by as you slowly transitioned from roommate of convenience because I happened to have empty bedrooms in The Birdhouse, to close confidante as the Tri-Delt West girls moved in, to my ever-present ‘constant’, to official girlfriend, to part of a triple with Adrienne, and eventually into Adrienne’s girlfriend after our broken engagement.”

Adrienne winced a bit at the reference to our broken engagement, but I stroked her leg and kept my focus on Sasha.

“I found myself wondering (not for the first time) how differently things might’ve turned out had Adrienne not reentered my life after graduation. I concluded a while ago that you’d long been a dormant caterpillar of sorts, waiting for your transformation into whatever might be your next form. ‘Change’ had been your only constant, morphing into different evolutions of yourself as time went on. And while you were gone on your five-month walkabout, I found myself anxiously awaiting to see what new version of ‘Sasha Serafian’ returned to us.”

She blinked and smiled. “And? What version do you see?”

I smiled. “I see a Sasha more assured of herself, more at peace. I see a Sasha no longer torn between her feelings of obligation to either me or to her ex-girlfriend and her yearning desire for freedom. And while I was very glad to know the wandering globe-trotter would drop everything and return to us at a moment’s notice, I see a free spirit who never wants to be caged. That’s actually one more reason I’m surprised to hear you say you’re staying for good when I genuinely expected you to tell us you were leaving soon.”

Sasha shrugged. “I don’t want to be caged, that’s true. But I also came to realize I don’t like feeling ... unsettled.”

Adrienne frowned. “You felt unsettled?”

“Adrift. Anchorless. Aimless. There’s a balance between being caged or rooted in one spot and being such a vagabond that nothing feels like home. This feels like home.” Sasha paused and regarded both of us. “YOU feel like home. Both of you. Together.”

Adrienne’s eyes narrowed, catching the bit of innuendo in Sasha’s voice. “Ben and I aren’t together. He’s with Summer.”

Sasha’s eyes narrowed and she sighed. “Right, of course. But you know what I mean. You’re still ‘together’. Is he not your Rock and vice versa?”

“Of course we are,” I insisted while stroking Adrienne’s leg. “Forever and Always. But seriously, now is not the time to be worrying about marriage or girlfriends or any of that stuff. As you said, this time has been about the whole extended family coming together and bonding in a very powerful way. That stuff is honestly far more important to me than future stuff about getting married.”

Sasha smirked. “I get that. Really, I do. But at the same time, the question about ‘Who’s Ben gonna marry?’ has been such a hot topic amongst everyone else for ... well... years ... And as long as that question remains ... unsettled ... we’re never gonna stop wondering about it.”

“Yeah well that’s one topic that’s not gonna get settled today,” I said wearily.

Sasha held her hands up. “Fair enough.”

The three of us pivoted to talking about Sasha’s plans for “settling” back down in Berkeley with us. For one thing, the girls had discussed moving Summer’s belongings into my room and giving that room to Sasha since Summer was barely ever in it anyways. I reasoned that Sasha might as well move into Adrienne’s bedroom since she’d slept there every night since her arrival, but the girls pointed out to me that (A) Adrienne’s stuff already filled all of the drawers and closet space, and (B) they weren’t actually getting back together or anything, so it would make more sense for Sasha to have her own space.

In the category of career, Sasha said she’d start working on updating her resume. Her old boss had suggested he’d be happy to hire her back if she ever wanted to return, but Sasha had decided she’d rather make a fresh start somewhere else. Adrienne then mused aloud that she could probably use a personal assistant, and so the pair of them started to seriously think about that idea.

At that point, I decided the girls could sort out Sasha’s potential assistant role on their own and got up to go check on Summer. She and Dawn were right where I’d left them, on my bed in the master bedroom. But right when I’d started to close the door, Dawn slowly picked her head up and looked back at me.

I gave her a small wave while gesturing for her to stay in bed, but she propped herself up on her elbow and looked down. I could tell from her expression that she was looking at Summer’s face, a little uncertain whether or not the redhead was awake. And a moment later, Summer apparently felt Dawn’s gaze, because she turned her head to look up at Dawn.

Dawn smiled and stroked Summer’s hair, saying softly, “Hey, Sunshine. Have a nice nap?”

I went ahead and entered the room then, closing the door behind me. “Sorry,” I muttered. “Did I wake you two?”

Dawn shook her head. “Wasn’t really sleeping. Just resting.”

“Me too, actually. Couldn’t sleep. I’m tired, but my mind wouldn’t shut down.” Summer said while rolling onto her back and stretching. The motion did incredible things to her incredible tits, and having not cum since last night’s sexual healing I felt a fresh stirring in my loins. But I tamped down on that urge and moved to sit on the foot of the bed. Summer sighed and then scooted her butt back while sitting up against the headboard. And in a sad, forlorn voice, she muttered, “I used to dream of Mom. And I think today I wanted to see her so badly I was trying to force myself to go to sleep just so I could talk to her again. But that’s not how sleep works.”

I nodded. “I understand.”

Summer regarded me with a knowing smile. “I know you do. Mom told me she’d met you in a dream.”

I blinked. “She did?”

“Not a surprise,” Dawn remarked, looking at me. “You already told us you’d had a couple of dreams of Yvaine, only the memories didn’t fade away like normal dreams. So it makes sense that she’d dream of her mom talking to her.”

True enough. I could still remember quite vividly Yvaine’s ghostlike appearances from a week ago. And the vision of her body fading away into transparent nothingness still haunted me. “When did you last see her?” I asked Summer.

“Friday night before we flew down for the funeral,” Summer sighed. “But now that we’ve buried her, I feel like she’s ... gone. Gone for good. When I didn’t see her last night, I freaked out a bit. That’s why I wanted so desperately to take a nap and try to see her again.”

Dawn reached out to stroke Summer’s left arm. “Your mom will always be with you. Always.”

Summer clasped her right hand atop Dawn’s, keeping it pressed against her arm. “Thanks. Thank you both. You’ve done so much for me, and I’m not talking about just this week.”

Dawn and I shared a smile. “We were both happy to. You’ve been a joy in our lives.”

Summer smiled ... at first. But then she sighed and shook her head. “I can never repay you for what you’ve done for me.”

I shook my head and scooted next to her on the bed. “Nothing needs to be repaid.”

“I’m never gonna NOT owe you two everything. Both of you ... and A.D. and Eden and your parents and everyone else ... you’ve all expended a ton of emotional energy on me in a way that’s obviously left you drained. Do you have any idea what kind of guilt that gives me? Don’t get me wrong: it’s not that I want you all to stop supporting me or anything. But for every sacrifice you make on my behalf, I credit that to the mental account I keep running in my head for how much I owe you back in return, and I won’t stop until I feel like my debt has been settled.”

“This is a debt we’d be perfectly happy to leave unsettled.” Dawn frowned. “Did you really think we want you doing emotional accounting and feeling obligated to pay us back?”

Summer shrugged. “I know it’s not what you want, but it is what I do. Don’t tell me you don’t do the same thing, Miss I-need-to-handle-all-my-shit-by-myself-instead-of-letting-my-loved-ones-help-me. We both do emotional accounting. The only difference between us is that I actively seek help and then try to repay it, while you try to avoid incurring a debt in the first place.”

Dawn pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes, pulling her hand off of Summer’s shoulder.