Chapter 31

Diane met the girls after lunch the next day and they drove down to Preston for Gabbie’s next appointment, as she left town and picked up speed Diane spoke over her shoulder to Gabbie.

“What exactly is it you like about my books Gabbie?”

“Well, they’re exciting, Stacy is properly sassy, she’s kind of a role model for girls, she’s obviously pretty, but doesn’t play on it, she’s not afraid to get into a fight to help someone, she’s speaks up about issues that matter.”

“You say she’s pretty, how do you know?”

“Well, it’s how people react to her, and the illustrations.”

“Fair enough. So, taking the character of Stacy as a whole, with the drawings, her attitude, the way she speaks. Does she remind you of anyone?”

Gabbie was quiet for a while, Lucy was giving Diane funny looks which she was ignoring.

“Oh, yes, it’s because I’ve not read any since I met her. It’s Lucy isn’t it?”

“What the fuck!” Lucy cried, “What do you mean?”

“Stacy, she’s you, it’s obvious when you think about it.”

“No, it’s not.”

“She’s right,” Diane said, “even I didn’t realise it. Last night, after you’d left I was talking with Eric, he pointed out how much you resembled Stacy with your attitude, and your mannerisms, even the illustrations, Steve had subconsciously drawn you, although in the earlier books he drew a teenaged version of you, now you’re the same age as the character you do look a lot like his drawings, although you are somewhat more fuller figured than Stacy.”

“Mum, really! How can Stacy be me; I was a baby when you started the books.”

“Not quite honey, I wrote the first one when you were 8, and yes, it’s a stretch to think about it, but you were such a tomboy, and you did beat Steve in fights and races, so maybe I just subconsciously based the first book on an older version of you, but the later books, are definitely close to your character. So, Eric’s point was, have I brought you up to be like Stacy, or is Stacy a fictionalised version of you. I have to say, I don’t know.”

“Which is why I love the books so much; I was predestined to love you.”

Lucy was still in a grumpy mood because she was apparently the personification of a fictional character, so she refused to answer Gabbie, instead she just sat and sulked while Gabbie and Diane chatted about Stacy and the attributes she shared with Lucy, and as the miles rolled by she reluctantly agreed that, perhaps, just perhaps, they had a point. Maybe she should read the books again.

As they neared Preston, Diane changed the subject, “I spoke to Sylvie on Sunday, I told her about the extra things you’d remembered, and about what we found out about your father Lucy. Sylvie is concerned, and I agree with her, that maybe you need to talk things through with her, because it’s got to be a shock for you, finding out about just how much of a bastard he really was.”

“I don’t think I do mum, I’m fine, honestly.”

“Humour me please honey, I’d feel more comfortable if we brought stuff to the surface sooner rather than later, it may be nothing, but please spend a little while talking to Sylvie.”

Lucy thought a while as Diane pulled off the M55 and took the A6 into Preston city centre, by the time Diane was pulling into a parking space near Sylvie’s office she’d made her mind up.

Maybe she did need some help, the revelation that her father was somehow linked to Gabbie’s abuse was horrifying. Even though he’d taken no part in her upbringing, his obviously defective DNA was in the core of her being, just like Gabbie’s parents’ DNA was in hers, did that have any impact on her character, on her future stability. Oh fuck, this was all such a can of worms, did she even want to know?

“Ok,” Lucy said as she helped Gabbie clamber out of the back of the Mini, an hour in that back seat and her legs took some getting used to freedom.

“Ok what?” Diane asked.

“Ok, I’ll speak to Sylvie, maybe you both have a point. And ok, maybe you have a point about Stacy.”

“Well, that’s two concessions in one sentence Lucy, I didn’t think you had it in you, well done.”

“Don’t take the piss mum.”

“Sorry, my bad. Is it ok if I sit in this session? I know you sometimes talk about very private stuff.”

Gabbie looked at Lucy, she nodded, “yes, it’s fine,” Gabbie said, “pretty sure there’s no more secrets.”

“It’s ok for you to have secrets you know. I don’t want to know everything about what you do together.”

“We don’t really do anything super-secret right now anyway,” Gabbie said, “and I’m sure you know everything we’ve done together in the past by now, if we’ve not told you I’m sure you’ve guessed.”

“Thank you for being honest with me, there’s not many girls would be happy with their mum knowing everything about their love lives, especially one quite so exciting as yours has been of late.”

“Hahaha, I guess we have no shame,” Lucy laughed.

“Well, in that you take after Judy, she was happy for everyone to know what she was up to, although Jerry chose to ignore it all, he preferred not to know what she was doing.”

Sylvie was waiting for them in her office, “ahh hello Mrs Temple, I didn’t expect you today.”

“Please, call me Diane, Lucy and Gabbie usually do, unless they want something, then it’s mummmmm...”

“Ahh, yes, I can imagine.”

“I’m not sure you’re aware, we had a crisis yesterday, as Gabbie’s birth mother took her life in her cell.”

“Ahh yes, Gabbie left me a message, do you know if she’d read the letter?”

“There’s been no confirmation of that, but it seems likely.”

“So how do you feel about this Gabbie?”

“I’m still not totally sure how I feel. At first I felt guilty, because she killed herself after reading the letter. Then I felt angry, because she’d taken the cowards way out, refusing to take responsibility for her actions now I know what she did to me, then I was sad, because she is my birth mother, then I was angry again, because all this brought out more memories, so I’m afraid I upset Diane and Lucy by ranting at them and telling them stuff they really shouldn’t have to know about some of the worst things people do to each other.”

“I’m sure Lucy and Diane told you not to feel guilty, because Katherine’s reaction to you finding out what she’d done to you is entirely out of your control. So, I’ll try to steer you away from feeling guilt. Anger, I encourage anger, but it must be controlled anger. She’s avoided responsibility for her actions, so channel that anger, use it to contextualise your memories, you need to be angry about what was done to you, never feel shame, never feel like any of it was your fault, you didn’t tease, you didn’t lead people on, the act of being female does not legitimise any abuse perpetrated against you.”

Gabbie looked up at Sylvie, “thank you, I never thought of that before, that helps me reframe my memories.”

“What about you Lucy, can we chat a while about your feelings towards your biological father?”

“At first I didn’t think anything, it’s just a fact you know, he got my mum pregnant and that was it, he was basically a sperm donor, although I doubt Judy welcomed the donation. Then I started think like Gabbie did, has some of his DNA had any impact on my life, has part of his personality somehow infected me, because he was a paedophile you know, even if he didn’t take part, and I imagine he did, he photographed and filmed it, he enabled the activity by not trying to stop it. So, it worries me.”

“Ok, so let’s look at it this way. You see a boy and a girl, the boy is trying to kiss the girl, but she doesn’t want to be kissed, what do you do.”

“I’d probably kick him in the balls.”

“She would you know,” Gabbie said.

“So, we’ll escalate, you’re in a cellar, like Gabbie’s, there’s people around and a girl tied to a vaulting horse, what do you do?”

Lucy’s eyes flashed with anger, “I’d kill them all, I’d rip off a chair leg or something and kill them all or die trying.”

Lucy was breathing heavily, Sylvie gently touched her cheek, “it’s ok Lucy, you’re in my office, nothing bad is happening.”

Slowly Lucy calmed down, she looked around the room, Gabbie was next to her on the sofa, Diane was on a chair opposite, they both had concerned looks on their faces.

“It’s ok Lucy, take your time, we’re not in a rush, you just think about your reaction to my question, and think about your worries about sharing any of your birth father’s personality.”

Lucy’s head fell forwards and she started to cry, Gabbie put an arm round her girlfriend and pulled her close, wiping her tears with a wad of tissues.

“Oh sweetie, it’s not normally me that gets to do the comforting,” she whispered.

“It’s just he was there, and he’s part of me, and no matter how different I am to him, he’s still in here somewhere, and I’m just having a little trouble coping with that right now.”

Gabbie spoke with the same quiet calm as Sylvie, “you said it yourself Lucy, he was just a sperm donor, he took advantage of Judy, she was vulnerable, she wanted work, he shagged her, that’s the only part he had in your birth, and look at how wonderful Judy was, full of life, full of sexual energy, so beautiful, surely all that cancels out any DNA the fat shit left at the scene.”

Lucy looked up at her girlfriend, pure adoration in her eyes, “thank you Gabbie, that sounds plausible, her energy, it must have cancelled his out, because I don’t think I’ve ever been cruel to anyone,” she looked at Diane, longing for some kind of confirmation, ‘have I ever been cruel mum?”