Chapter 1

Saturday December 9

Morning wood is so weird. It’s like every day, every able-bodied penis wakes up early to do calisthenics, in case today it’s called upon to breech some girl’s vagina and knock her up. Guys’ bodies literally change shape when they think about sex. Think about that!

“Lexi, you’re such a perv! Quit staring!” Juliet, my roommate, just said to me.

“You’d be staring too if he weren’t your brother,” I responded.

The penis in question belongs to Juliet’s younger brother Ash, who is asleep on our couch in his underwear. He’s staying with us until school starts again in January. Ash and I have been flirting off and on by text for about a year. Now, he doesn’t have a girlfriend and I don’t have a boyfriend ... Officially he’s here visiting his sister, but yeah, he and I are totally going to hook up sooner or later.

Okay, I’ve finished half of my coffee, and I’ve marveled at Ash’s body long enough. I guess I’ll make us all some breakfast so we can talk about what we want to do today.

Sunday December 10

Hmph. Well that’s not how I wanted yesterday to go. It started off pretty cool: we stopped by Juliet’s work and watched all the eager little reporters buzzing around looking for their first big scoop. Then on a whim we bought some cheap kites and flew them around on the university grounds. Then we hung around at Juliet’s favorite English pub. All good.

But then when we got home and opened the mail, my concealed handgun permit had arrived. Juliet opened it and held it in front of her as if reading: “Lexi Green, authorized fascist”.

So we had that fight again. I told her I’m not trying to be Jason Bourne! I’m a target shooter - it’s how I deal with stress! I just want to own a gun so I don’t have to keep paying rental fees. She came back with the usual statistics about guns being used against their owners. I told her I would keep it in a locked case and only unlock it at the shooting range. She replied with all that “culture of violence” stuff, basically telling me that I’m what’s wrong with America. Ultimately she threatened to kick me out of the apartment. My name is on the lease, same as hers.

Ash wisely stayed out of it.

I guess Juliet is still my best friend, but lately it seems we’ve been drifting more toward the just-roommates end of the spectrum. Part of it is that she has no respect for my friends.

Speaking of which, around midnight, Martin called asking if he could crash here. He was supposed to sleep at his girlfriend Mandy’s place but now they’re fighting, and since he’s been drinking he can’t do a two hour drive home. I told him sure, as long as he’s cool with the floor.

I try not to put labels on people, but when Martin and Ash met, there could never have been a more perfect illustration of the whole alpha-beta-male thing. They were both totally friendly, with no hostility or hidden agendas like girls would have had, but when they shook hands, everyone knew that Ash was the top guy in the room - clear as a bell.

“I figure he’ll just crash on the floor in my room,” I said, trying to give Juliet as little cause to attack him as possible.

“Looks like you dropped the ball, bro,” Juliet said to Ash with mock sympathy. “Now some other guy is going to pick it up and score.”

“I have a girlfriend,” Martin volunteered, as if Juliet’s suggestion had been a mere misunderstanding.

“And yet you’re here now,” Juliet said leadingly.

“We had a fight. It’s not a big deal,” Martin defended himself.

“What about?” Juliet asked innocently.

“She found out that Lexi and I kind of have history. She got kind of jealous,” Martin explained.

Ash looked surprised. “You got in a fight with your girlfriend over an ex and when she kicked you out you came to your ex’s place to spend the night? You are a brave man,” he opined.

“We’re not really exes,” I clarified.

Juliet was quick continue from there: “Martin is the guy who took those naked pictures of Lexi.”

“Dude! You are an awesome fucking photographer!” Ash said and held his fist out. Martin reluctantly bumped it.

“That’s probably why she slept with him,” Juliet snarked.

So yeah - maximum possible awkwardness. Martin and I ducked out for breakfast this morning before Juliet and Ash were awake. I knew I’d never get a chance to cheer him up with her around. I dropped him off at Mandy’s place, but I don’t know whether he got in his car and drove home, or went up to her apartment to try to work it out with her.

Tuesday December 12

“Story time!” I told Juliet and Ash while she put away the groceries and he made cocktails. “You know how my English professor went to jail when I exposed the Chi Omicrons for trading sex for grades? What you might not know is that he used to write domination porn stories under a pseudonym on the Internet. Well it seems he’s still writing, even in prison.”

Juliet laughed. “Makes sense - I bet he’s learning a lot about sexual domination right now!”

“Well, the ‘sneak preview’ chapter he just released involve girls,” I explained. “A particular girl - one that you know...”

“No way, he didn’t!?” Juliet responded.

“Wait, so you dated this guy?” Ash asked.

“Hell no. Purely fiction,” I declared. “But he’s clearly trying to tell some fantasy version of my take-down of the Chi Omicrons. Allow me to read to you from ‘The Chronicle of Alexa White’. Only one chapter is published so far - I gather it’s not meant to be the first.”

I began reading aloud:

Understand that Alexa wasn’t always the cynical self-loathing force of nature that, by this point in the story you’ve come to know. Such personalities are forged, not born. Let us go back, then, to the pivotal moment in the young woman’s life when her psyche was plucked from the furnace and laid upon the anvil: the loss of her virginity.

“Pretentious much?” Juliet commented with a snort.

The nuns of Saint Francis Preparatory School had done a fine job of shaping young Alexa into a modest, God-fearing woman, but the battlegrounds of adolescence are bloody and unforgiving. Despite the good works of her parents, the church, and the school, Alexa found, later than most of her peers, that she couldn’t fight the urge - nay, the obsession - to taste of the carnal fruit.”

“‘Nay’? Seriously? ‘Nay’?” Ash criticized. By this point we were all sitting in the living room with drinks in our hands.