Chapter 6

The next morning I got ready, had breakfast and then got into the car, Mum drove Zack and Caitlyn to school then me to the hospital for my gynaecologist appointment. I sat nervously in the waiting area, constantly tapping and picking at my fingers, and fiddling with my hair and jumper. Mum took my hand and smiled at me.

‘It’s going to be fine.’

‘I doubt it, they wouldn’t have frozen my eggs if they thought it would be fine.’

‘Haylee, if it’s not fine we’ll deal with, you’ve dealt with a lot worse this last year, we can deal with this.’

‘I guess.’ I replied as I was called in to the Dr’s office. After a short talk she had me climb up onto the couch, pull my skirt up and take my knickers off, I’d worn grey Calvin Klein bikini knickers, again, not wanting to wear a thong to see a Dr. She put on some gloves and slid a lubricated speculum inside me making me shiver and wince. First she used some anaesthetic to numb my cervix, then she performed a transvaginal ultrasound where she slid an ultrasound wand into my vagina and scanned my uterus and and ovaries through my cervix. Next, she performed a hysteroscopy, a thin, fibre-optic camera was slid through my cervix which, despite the anaesthetic, really hurt making me wince and cry a little, Mum held my hand tight and wiped my tears with her other hand.

‘Sorry Haylee, it will only take a few minutes, do you want me to continue?’

‘Ok.’ I sighed uncomfortably. She spent a few more minutes using the camera to examine me internally, before slowly withdrawing it, she injected a liquid die into my uterus, then had my Mum leave the office, put a lead apron on herself, wheeled a lead screen alongside the couch and took a series of x-rays while getting me into different positions. Once she was done she removed the screen and her apron, got my Mum back in and passed me a tissue.

‘All done, you can wipe yourself and put your knickers back on then come back over to my desk.’ She said as I wiped my labia, slid my knickers back on, sat up, transferred into my wheelchair, sorted my skirt out then wheeled back to the Dr’s desk.

‘Haylee, when was your last period?’

‘Oh, god knows, I had really irregular, heavy periods so had a coil implanted when I was 14, I had a few periods after that but they stopped completely when I started chemo.’

‘Have you had a period since your treatment?’

‘No.’

‘Any other issues you’ve noticed?’

‘Erm... ‘ I looked at my Mum feeling embarrassed.

‘I can leave if you want.’ Mum said.

‘No, it’s fine.’ I sighed. ‘It’s just that, oh god, it’s just that when ... I ... have ... a ... an ... orgasm, I get very wet and squirt fluid from inside me, leaving quite a mess.’ I felt my face go deep red.

‘Does it hurt at all?’

‘Oh, god no.’

‘And no bleeding or pain afterwards?’

‘No, if anything it’s the opposite, I’m really sensitive afterwards and can have multiple orgasms.’ I felt so embarrassed talking about this with a stranger in front of my Mum.

‘Well, female ejaculation is not that uncommon, it’s not a problem, but it is little understood, we don’t really understand the reasons some females ejaculate during intense orgasm, it just happens, anatomically everything is fine with your sexual organs.’

‘Ok, well... ‘ I looked at my Mum again. ‘Why didn’t it happen before I was ill, it’s only happened since.

‘Hmm, well, lot’s of changes happened within your body during that time, quite apart from puberty. It may also be something to do with being a high, double amputee, your vulva and clitoris are a lot more open and accessible now so are more easily stimulated.’

‘Ok, I guess it makes sense, as long as there is nothing wrong, and it’s definitely not the worst thing.’ I said with a giggle which stopped when I remembered my Mum was sat next to me.

‘No, it’s really not, just leads to more laundry.’ She replied, also with a giggle before her face turned serious. ‘As for the fertility test Haylee, I’m sorry to say that the cancer treatment has left you infertile, there is absolutely no chance you’d ever get pregnant naturally.’

‘Oh.’ I was only young but I felt like something had been ripped from me. My Mum, sensing the same, took my hand again and held it tight.

‘It’s ok baby, it’s ok.’ She said now putting her arm around me as I rested my head on her shoulder and started crying.

‘I know it’s silly, I knew there wasn’t much chance, but to be told just makes it so ... so final.’

‘I know baby, I know.’

‘Haylee, the silver lining is that your uterus looks perfectly healthy, so, although you don’t produce eggs anymore, there is no reason you couldn’t carry a pregnancy to term, your notes say your eggs were harvested and frozen, is that right?’ She said passing me another tissue.

‘Yeah, that’s right.’ I said drying my eyes, I could feel my anxiety kicking in, my head was starting to spin and I could feel my breathing getting difficult and my chest start to hurt.

‘So, when the time is right, you could have IVF, there are no guarantees, but women under 35 have a 40% success rate, that goes down with age, so it would be something you’d need to start earlier than later, but you’re young now, so worry about it later.’

‘I guess.’ I sniffed then blew my noise while trying to breath deeply.

‘Haylee, I am so sorry.’ She said giving me a reassuring smile.

‘Thank you.’ I tried to smile.

‘Haylee, do you have any other questions, is there anything else I can do for you?’

‘Erm, yes, there is one thing, would you remove my coil, I guess I don’t need it anymore, and it will save me going to the family planning clinic.’

‘Of course I can Haylee, do you want to get up on the couch again.’ I wheeled myself across the room, climbed up onto the couch, laid back, lifted my skirt up and slid my knickers off again. The Dr put on a new pair of gloves, re-lubricated the speculum and slid it back inside me making me shiver and wince again. She used a swab to wipe antiseptic around my vagina and cervix then used a pair of forceps to pull on the strings of the coil, I felt a little pressure deep inside me as it suddenly slipped through my cervix. She examined the coil to make sure it was complete then put it in the clinical waste. She passed me another tissue and a pad, I used the tissue to wipe myself, put the pad inside my knickers and slipped them back on then transferred back into my wheelchair and sorted my skirt out again. ‘Well Haylee, you might have some bleeding over the next few days, so make sure you wear a pad, if the bleeding becomes heavy or goes on too long go to see your GP. If there is nothing else, you are good to go, if you have any questions later, please don’t hesitate to give me call, ok?’

‘Ok, thank you.’ I said shaking the Dr’s hand

‘Yes, thank you.’ Mum said, also shaking her hand. I wheeled myself towards the door as Mum held it open and headed down to the car. At the car I transferred into the front seat, Mum then put my chair into the boot, got into the car and started driving.

‘How do you feel Haylee?’

‘I don’t really know, I just kinda feel sad and empty.’

‘Oh baby, there’s no need to feel like that, it’s not the end of the world, though it may seem it right now, you’ve got a long time until you need to worry about it.’ She said squeezing my hand.

‘I know, it’s just ... it’s just that after everything else, it’s just one more thing, I had cancer, I nearly died, I lost both my legs, my body took months to recover, in fact, still hasn’t fully recovered.’ I said touching my hair. ‘Now I can never have children, at least not naturally, it’s just a lot to take in.’

‘I know it is sweetheart, I know it is, but you are so strong, you can get through this and Dad and I will help where we can.’

‘I know.’ I replied gripping her hand and stroking my hair.

‘Do you want to go back home, have the day off to take this all in, I’ll ring the school now if you want?’

‘No, I’d rather go in, it’ll help to distract me.’

‘Ok sweetie, if you’re sure.’ We sat in silence for a while as we headed to school. We pulled into the drop off area and, as I started to open the car door to wait for Mum to get my chair, she held my arm. ‘Erm, Haylee, at the Dr I noticed that you had no pubic hair, have you been shaving it off?’

‘No, it never grew back, I asked my oncologist last time I went for a check-up, that’s why I wanted to go in on my own, he said the hair follicles were likely damaged during the radiotherapy and the hair will never grow back.’

‘Oh baby, why didn’t you tell me.’

‘It’s a little embarrassing, although, after today and the sex conversation, I’m not sure I can ever feel embarrassment again.’ I said with a laugh.

‘Yeah, don’t worry, I was probably just as embarrassed, though Haylee, please, you can talk to me about anything, really, I won’t judge, I promise, after everything you’ve been through, that’s the least I can do for you.’

‘Thank you Mum, I will from now on, sorry.’ We both stared at each other for a moment before Mum got out the car, got my chair and positioned it by my door, before I had a chance to transfer myself she suddenly grabbed me and cuddled me tight while lifting me out of the car, she then held me tight for a moment before sitting me in my chair and kissing me on the cheek.

‘Bye darling, have a good day.’

‘Thanks Mum, see you later.’

‘See you later.’ She called as I wheeled into school while Mum got in the car and drove off. At lunchtime I grabbed some lunch again and headed to Mrs Westerman’s office where Beaux was already waiting. Mrs Westerman called us in and had us both sit at her desk.

‘Right, today I have no work for you two, you are going to sit here and talk, and get to the bottom of whatever it is causing this problem between you, if you refuse to talk you’ll sit here in silence, understood?’

‘Yes Ma’am.’ We replied in unison.

‘Good, I’ll leave you to it.’ Mrs Westerman said as she left her office and shut the door behind her. Beaux and I sat in silence for a few moment before I finally broke the silence.

‘What is your problem with me?’

‘You’re the one with the problem?’

‘That was kind of my point Beaux, what problem do I have? Why do you act the way you do around me?’

‘Me? What do I do?’

‘Beaux, every time you see me you are spiteful and nasty to me, when I see you, I mostly avoid you, except for the other day and I’m sorry I rammed you with my chair. But you have to admit, you’ve spent almost 4 years bullying me.’

‘Whatever.’ She said before folding her arms across her chest and turning away from me.

‘Fine, I tried. I’ve had a shit enough day already, it’s not like I need you as a friend, I have enough.’ I said, we then sat in silence.

‘Fine.’ Beaux sighed, finally breaking the silence after 10 minutes. ‘It’s just, when we first started in year 7, you were this tiny little girl that looked like you shouldn’t even be here, yet you were stunningly beautiful, popular with everyone and amazing at everything, you kicked my ass in the cross country run, you ran rings around me in hockey and volleyball, you made the fucking county team for hockey, beating me! Sport was always my thing, I’m shit at academic stuff but was always great at sport, then there was you, effortlessly amazing at all of it.’

‘I’m sorry, I never meant to show you up, I’m just good at that stuff.’

‘I know you are, it’s not just the sport stuff though, it’s everything, you can write fucking poetry without even thinking, you’re amazing at art, you understand maths and history and science, all the teachers love you, you’re a fucking geek and do all the geeky shit, you play video games, yet you’re still the most popular girl in our year, the whole fucking school for that matter. You always had the best looking boyfriends and now you have the best looking, most popular boy in school as your boyfriend. Then year 10 came, and you got put in the top set for everything and I was in the bottom. And then you have cancer, almost die and have both your legs amputated and you come back to school and you’re still beautiful and everyone loves you so much, you have no idea what that feels like.’