Chapter 3

I woke up early the next morning and for the first time in a very long time, I felt good, I decided today would be the day I was going back to school. I had missed so much, and although I’d been sent work by my teachers, and there had been a teacher in the hospital, it just wasn’t the same, and I missed my friends terribly. I threw the duvet back feeling a breeze on my naked body. I slid to the floor and hand-walked into my ensuite where I then climbed onto the toilet.

Once I’d finished I wiped myself, climbed from the toilet onto my stool and brushed my teeth. I then washed my face, got my deodorant from the cabinet and rolled it under my arms before sliding back to the floor and hand-walking back into my bedroom. I opened my lingerie drawer and paused for a moment, on the top were the cotton bikini and hipster knickers and bras that I’d wearing for months. Now that I was home and starting to feel well, I wanted to feel good in what I was wearing again, as much as possible. I moved the knickers and bras aside and found a dark blue, matching lacy bra and thong, I’d been wearing thongs since I was about 13, I found them much more comfortable and they made me feel better about myself, plus, I’d hated visible panty line when I was wearing leggings or tight trousers. I laid the thong out on the floor and lifted myself up and onto it before awkwardly sliding it up my bum, then put the bra on, the lace instantly felt good against my skin. I hand walked to my wardrobe and pulled out my school uniform.

I put on the light blue shirt and buttoned it up, laid the short, light blue, checked, pleated kilt out and lifted myself into the middle of it then slid it up, when I had legs it had been very short, sitting above the middle of my thighs. I then tucked my shirt into it and zipped it up at the side, put on my navy tie with its white school crest on, then slid my navy v-neck sweater over my head and pulled it down my body. I got my school bag out and checked there was everything I needed inside. I then moved to my dresser, lifted myself up onto the seat and put on a little make-up for the first time in nearly 9 months. I then went through my drawers and found a navy coloured Superdry beanie hat with a bobble on top, that I put on to cover my head, it was early spring so it wouldn’t look too odd. I then slid to the floor, scooted to my wardrobe again, grabbed my navy blazer, slipped it on and made my way into the hallway.

At the top of the stairs I paused for a moment, I was about to call someone for help, but instead I decided that I was going to have to make my own way up and down stairs at some point, today may as well be the day. I took a deep breath, moved to the edge of the stairs and looked down to the hallway below. I thought back to what the occupational therapist had told me, to think of them as 15 individual steps. I took another deep breath and slowly lowered myself down one step then quickly bought my hands down and rested them on the step either side of my body. I did the same again, and again, slowly but surely making my way down the steps. I got about halfway when I felt myself relax and a smile spread across my face. My brother, Zack walked out of the living room and saw me on the stairs.

‘Holy shit Haylee, you’re doing it, amazing, keep going.’ I faltered for a second but his support helped me to keep going, and as soon as I hit the hallway floor I scooted to him, grabbed his legs and held him tight. ‘Haylee, you did it, though if you weren’t such a wuss you could have done that weeks ago.

‘You’re such a wanker, I was having a really nice moment there.’ I said as I looked up at him.

‘I know, I couldn’t have you thinking that I loved you or anything.’ He replied with a smile.

‘Yeah, you don’t want anyone to make that mistake.’

‘Fuck no.’ He replied. I held on for a few more minutes before putting my hands on the floor and scooting back a little.

‘Thank you.’ I whispered.

‘Any time sis.’ He bent down and kissed my forehead before heading into the kitchen. I lifted myself up into my wheelchair and followed Zack into the kitchen where I found my family in the familiar mad rush of getting ready in the morning, I smiled as I realised how much I’d missed the noise and the chaos.

‘Good morning.’ I called above the din.

‘Morning sweetie.’ Mum said looking at me from around the fridge door without really seeing me before going back into the fridge. It took about 2 seconds before she realised as she suddenly slammed the fridge door shut. ‘Haylee! You’re up and you’re dressed.’

‘Yes, I decided I want to go back to school today.’

‘That’s amazing, are you sure?’

‘Yes, really, I need to.’

‘Ok, well, let me see what I can find you for lunch.’ She said as she opened the fridge again and started routing around, she suddenly stopped again. ‘How did you get downstairs, did Zack help you?’

‘No, I did it myself.’ I wheeled to the breakfast table and started pouring some cornflakes into a bowl.

‘Yeah, all by herself Mum, she was pretty amazing.’ Zack said.

‘It was just the stairs.’ I replied.

‘Yeah, well, it was cool.’

‘Thanks.’ I smiled at him before pouring milk onto my cereal. ‘Mum, didn’t worry, I’ll buy lunch at a school.’

‘Are you sure lovey? I wish you’d told me last night, I could have made you something.’

‘I only decided last night in bed, and it’s fine.’

‘Oh baby, I’m so glad you’re doing this, are you sure you’re ready though? You can just call me if you want to come home.’

‘Mum, don’t make this a thing, please.’ I said pouring myself some coffee.

‘Sorry.’ She said as my Dad walked in. ‘Look Dave, Haylee’s already to go back to school.’

‘Wow, well done munchkin, are you sure you’re ready?’ He asked as we walked over to the table, grabbed some toast and started putting butter and jam on.

‘Yes Daddy, I’m sure.’

‘And she did the stairs herself.’ Mum said proudly, sounding like a Mum who’s toddler had just used the potty for the first time.

‘Mum!’

‘Sorry, I’m just so proud of you.’ I could see tears start to form in her eyes, as embarrassed as I got by her, I also realised that she’d nearly lost her little girl, and it was as much a relief to her that I was now home and cancer free as it was to me.

‘Well, take it easy today, don’t burn yourself out.’ My Dad said as he poured coffee into his travel mug and looked at his watch. ‘I’d better go, see you all tonight.’ He kissed us all, then put his toast in his mouth and ran out of the front door. Once I’d finished breakfast, I put my bowl and mug onto my chair in front of my lap and wheeled toward the dishwasher, I positioned my chair and tried to open the dishwasher but Mum saw me and started to take the bowl and mug.

‘Don’t worry, I’ll do that.’ She said cheerily.

‘No Mum, I need to things for myself.’ I said as I tried to take the bowl and mug back from her.

‘Don’t be silly, I don’t mind doing it.’ She replied holding the items tight.

‘Mum!’ I snapped, there was a moment of silence as we looked at each other. ‘Please Mum, I need to learn.’

‘Ok, I’m sorry.’ She relented and let go. I put the items back in front of my lap, adjusted my chair and tried again, this time I managed to open the dishwasher, put the items in and closed the door again. I then wheeled toward the front door where Zack and Caitlyn were gathering up their stuff.

‘Could one of you go grab my school bag from my bedroom please, I didn’t think I could manage it.’

‘Sure.’ Caitlyn said before bounding up the stairs and coming back down a moment later with my bag. She held onto it while putting her own on her back and opened the front door. As the three of us headed out, Mum caught us up and unlocked her car while she then locked the front door.

‘Haylee, do you want the front seat?’ Zack asked.

‘Wow, you have never offered me the front seat before.’

‘Yeah, well, things are different now, as much as you don’t want them to be, I didn’t know which would be easier for you.’

‘Thanks, though let me see.’ I wheeled to the back door of Mum’s car, that Zack opened for me, I lined my chair up, placed my hands on the back seat and transferred myself into the car. ‘It’s ok, thanks, I can manage here.’

‘Ok.’ He replied as he took my chair around the back of the car and lifted it into the boot while I struggled with my seatbelt. The others all got themselves into the car and Mum started the drive to school. I got my phone from my pocket and texted Ben.

‘I’m coming back to school today, please meet me at the drop off, I don’t want to go in alone xxx.’

‘Wow, that’s awesome, I can’t wait xxx.’ He replied almost instantly.

We arrived about 20 minutes later, Mum pulled into the drop off and I was relieved to see Ben stood waiting for me. As soon as Mum stopped the car Zack and Caitlyn jumped out and Ben opened the door for me, then, while Mum got out the car and got my wheelchair from the boot, Ben lifted me out the car and cuddled me until my chair was behind me, he then sat me down. I bounced around until I was comfortable while my Mum hooked my bag over the back of the chair, she then kissed me goodbye.

‘Are you sure you’re going to be ok?’

‘Yes, I’m sure.’

‘Have you got your phone?’

‘Yes, Mum.’

‘Ring me anytime if you want to come home and text me through the day to let me know how you’re getting on.’

‘Ok.’

‘I just want to make sure you’re ready for this.’

‘I’m fine Mum, I’m ready, really, are you?’

‘No, I don’t think I am.’ She said suddenly crying and cuddling me tight.

‘Please don’t Mum, you’ll make me cry too.’ I cuddled her back.

‘Sorry darling, it’s just... ‘

‘I know Mum, I know.’ We cuddled a little longer before she stood up, dried her eyes, kissed me on the cheek and got back into the car while I dried my own eyes, I then started wheeling towards the building leaving Ben to catch up.

‘Ben, stop my Mum.’ I suddenly shouted urgently.

‘Everything Ok? Have you changed you mind?’ He asked while waving at my Mum who stopped the car and opened the window.

‘Everything alright?’ She called.

‘Yes, I just want to take this stupid fucking blazer off, it’s so restrictive.’ I said pulling my blazer off, once I was finally free of it I passed it to Ben who put it through the window of Mum’s car, she then blew me a kiss and drove off.

‘Are you ready for this?’ Ben asked.

‘As I’ll ever be, I guess.’ I placed my hands on the wheels of my chair, took a deep breath, then started rolling myself toward the building again with Ben beside me. I could feel everyone looking at me and started to feel very self conscious, only Ben knew about me losing both legs, all my friends new I had cancer and was having one leg amputated, but I hadn’t told any of them about the surgeon accidentally amputating the wrong leg, much like with Ben, it wasn’t something I felt I couldn’t tell anyone by phone or FaceTime. As I wheeled into the building and through the hallways, I felt the same strange feeling that I’d had at home, everything was familiar and the same, but I was very different. As I wheeled past the office the head teacher, Mrs Westerman, saw me and ran over.

‘Wow, Haylee, it’s so nice to see you.’ She said.

‘Hello, thank you, it’s nice to be back.’

‘Your Mum kept me updated about everything that happened with you, and I am so sorry about the ... well, you know.’ She said nodding toward my missing legs.

‘Thank you again.’ I said, not really sure how to answer.

‘Your Mum emailed this morning to let me know you were coming back, I’ve let your teacher know and she’s expecting you. I wish we’d had more notice, we could have planned better for you.’

‘I know, I’m sorry, it was a last minute decision, I woke up I this morning and just felt it was the right time.’

‘No, no, it’s not a problem, no need to apologise, I understand. If you have any problems let me know and I’ll sort it out, ok?’

‘Ok, thanks, we’d better get to class.’

‘Ok, bye then, take care.’ She replied. I smiled at her and started wheeling toward my classroom. As I got to the classroom door I suddenly felt anxious, a sick feeling was rising in my stomach, I paused at the door and turned my chair around.

‘Are you ok?’ Ben asked but I didn’t hear him, I was too busy dealing with the anxiety. He crouched down and placed his hands on my hips. ‘Haylee, look at me, you’re going to be fine, if you don’t want to do this that’s fine, I’ll go with you to the office and wait for your Mum to come pick you up, if that’s what you really want, but, you made the decision to come today for a reason, if you don’t do it today it will get in your head and coming back will be more difficult. I promise, I’m here for you and will be with you when you need me. Look at me, you need to do square breathing, follow me, in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, out for for seconds, do that four times.’ I did as he told me, but I still felt horrible, my head hurt, my vision was hazy and I felt sick.

‘Now, look around, name 5 things you can see.’ Ben continued soothingly.

‘Erm, floor tiles, lights, stairs, a tree through the window, art on the walls and you.’ I replied managing a slight nervous giggle.

‘Well done, now name 4 things you can feel.’

‘The air moving from the air conditioning, my soft jumper, my lacy underwear, and, erm, you.’ I said smiling and starting to feel better.

‘Nice,’ He said smiling at me and raising an eyebrow. ‘But you need to stop using me. Now, 3 things you can hear.’

‘This is silly.’

‘Come on, 3 things you can hear.’

‘The birds outside the window, the hum from the vents and, err, noise from the drama studio.’

‘And 2 things you can smell.’

‘Sweaty socks and my perfume.’

‘And finally.’ He popped a piece of chocolate in my mouth. ‘Something you can taste.’

‘My favourite chocolate,’ I leaned forward and kissed him on the head. ‘Wow, thank you, where do you learn that?’

‘Well, I figured having cancer, losing your hair and having a leg amputated would increase your anxiety so while you were in hospital I leant some grounding techniques to help you.’

‘You’re amazing.’

‘So, are we doing this?’

‘Yeah.’ I replied before I turned my chair back around and wheeled to the door, Ben opened it and I wheeled through. There was a moment of shock as everyone saw me, quickly followed by a huge cheer, then confetti and streamers went flying through the air. I noticed a handmade banner that said ‘Welcome back Haylee,’ the paint still looked wet.

‘I might have told them you were coming back this morning.’ Ben whispered into my ear. ‘ They must have raided the art studios. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell them anything else.’

‘Thanks.’ I smiled back at him as everyone crowded around and started cuddling me and welcoming me back, even my teacher gave me a huge cuddle and welcomed me back. Morning registration became all about me, my teacher barely got to actually finish the register, let alone read out any of the notices and anything else he had planned. Everyone wanted to know what had happened to me, I found it really difficult to explain that a surgeon had accidentally amputated the wrong leg, but got through it. My best friends Sarah and Isla, and my other good friends, Kate, Becky and twins Amelia and Charlie, were crying, cuddling me and holding my hands, I felt really loved. The bell finally went for the end of registration, my teacher had to break us up and send us all on our way to lessons, I waited for everyone to crowd out then started to wheel myself toward the door with Ben and Sarah...

‘Haylee, it’s so nice to see you back, if you need anything just let me know, same if you have any problems, ok?’ My teacher said reassuringly.

‘Thank you sir.’

‘Also, if you start feeling tired and need a break, just let me know.’

‘I will, I’d better go.’

‘Ok, Haylee, see you this afternoon.’

‘Bye.’ I smiled then caught up with Ben and Sarah, who were waiting at the door for me, as I wheeled between them they walked alongside me.

‘So, do you want to tell me about this lacy underwear?’ Ben asked suggestively.

‘No, perv! If you’re lucky you might see later though.’

‘Ben, jeez, leave her alone.’ Sarah said.

‘Sorry.’ Ben replied as we made our way down the corridor and into our English class where I was made to feel like royalty again, everyone was so surprised to see I was back, but was so welcoming, even some of those kids I hadn’t got on that well with. The first 20 minutes of the lesson was spent with people talking to me, including the teacher, about what had happened. Once we got into the actual lesson it was nice to be doing something normal and structured. When the lesson was over the teacher again welcomed me back before Ben, Sarah and I headed to our next lesson. We arrived at our History class and as I wheeled through the door I was a little stunned to see that there was a different teacher. I wheeled to the nearest available desk, got my stuff out of my bag and got myself comfortable while Sarah took the seat next to me and Ben took the seat just over the aisle. Everyone in the class came over and chatted to me, welcoming me back and making me feel very loved again, until, after a while, the teacher got fed up.

‘Right, everyone back to their seats.’ He bellowed, a few people slowly wandered back to their seats but most stayed talking to me so he shouted even louder. ‘Back to your seats now!’

The class all sat back in their seats still muttering but slowly quietening down.

‘You, take that hat off.’ He demanded pointing right at me.

‘Erm, sorry sir, I’d rather not, it’s just that... ‘

‘I don’t care what you’d rather, you will do as you’re told.’

‘But sir, let me explain... ‘

‘Do it now or I’ll send you to the headteacher.’

‘Sir, you don’t understand, she’s just come back after... ‘ Ben started to defend me.

‘This has nothing to do you with boy, stay out of it.’ He roared as he stomped across the classroom and stood in front of me. ‘What’s your name?’

‘Haylee sir.’ I replied, trying no to let my voice break.

‘Take your hat off now Haylee.’

‘Please sir, I’d rather not, let me explain please.’

‘You don’t need to explain anything, just take the hat off.’

‘Sir, it’s her first day back... ‘ Ben started to explain before being cut off again.

‘I told you boy not to get involved, get out of my class and go to the headteacher, now.’ The teacher ordered.

‘But sir... ‘

‘I said now!’ He shouted. Ben pushed his chair back and stormed out the class banging the door as he left.

‘Sir, stop, you need to understand.’ Sarah started to interject.

‘Do you want to join your class mate?’

‘No, but sir.’ Sarah started again but the teacher just put his hand out.

‘Now, stop being disrespectful and take the damn hat off.’ I could now feel tears streaming down my face, I had no idea what to.

‘You’re the one being disrespectful, just leave her alone.’ Someone else in the class shouted.

‘Yeah, show her some respect.’ Someone else shouted. The teacher was getting very angry now, his face was red, he started to lean towards me and took a deep breath as though he was about to start shouting.

‘What the hell is going on here? Sir, can you step outside now.’ Mrs Westerman stood at the door with Ben behind her.

‘But... ‘ He stood defiantly.

‘Now, please.’ Mrs Westerman insisted. The teacher stop for a moment before turning around and heading toward the door.

‘Is everything alright Haylee?’ She asked.

‘Not really.’ I cried as Sarah got out of her chair and cuddled me.

‘Give me a minute, ok?’ I nodded as Sarah consoled me and Ben ran over and cuddled me too. Some of the class also crowded around me while the rest offered supportive comments. Although the headteacher had taken the supply teacher outside we could still hear parts of the conversation.

‘But that girl has a lack of respect, I asked her to take her damn hat off, it’s disrespectful to wear a hat inside.’ The teacher was shouting.

‘That girl is Haylee, it’s her first day back at school for 9 months after having treatment for cancer and having her legs amputated. It sounds to me like you were the one showing a lack of respect.’

‘Well, she should have told me... ‘

‘From what I hear, she tried several times to explain to you, as did her boyfriend and friends, but you didn’t show them any respect and wouldn’t listen. Did it not occur to you there might be a reason she was wearing the hat, did you not see her wheelchair and wonder why?’

‘Well, uh... ‘

‘Right, well, thank you for coming today, but you’re done, you can leave, and you can assume the rest of your week here is cancelled.’

‘But... ‘

‘No, you don’t treat any of my pupils like that, especially one that has been through what she has, now collect your belongings and leave.’ Mrs Westerman and the teacher came back into the classroom, the teacher glared at me, Ben and Sarah as he gathered his stuff before walking over to me.

‘Haylee, I owe you an apology, I should have given you time to explain.’ He said before he started to walk out.

‘Well go on then sir.’ Ben said.

‘What?’

‘You said you owe her an apology, now actually apologise.’

‘I did.’

‘No, you didn’t, you said you owe her an apology.’

‘Fine, Haylee, I’m sorry for my behaviour.’

‘Thank you.’ I replied still crying and shaking as he started making his way towards the door.

‘Do you need some time Haylee?’ Mrs Westerman asked as she walked over to me. I shook my head as Ben was talking me through square breathing again.

‘If you change your mind let me know.’ She said with a reassuring smile then went and stood at the front of the class.

‘Ok class, can you all go back to your seats, I’m sorry about that, I need 10 minutes to rearrange some stuff, so can I trust you all to quietly work through the workbooks on your desk until I come back?’

‘Yes ma’am.’ The class said in unison as they all took their seats, Ben kissed me and took his seat and Sarah took hers while continuing to hold my hand, we then worked through our workbooks together. When Mrs Westerman got back she checked on me again then sat at the front of the class and did her own work on her laptop, while we quietly did ours. Once that class was over Ben, Sarah and I headed out into the playground and joined our friends in the tennis courts where we had always hung out. I had to explain again to friends that weren’t in my class what had happened, I started to feel a little like a zoo exhibit as I felt like everyone was looking at me, but my friends helped me relax and distract me. When the bell sounded I headed into French class, my first without Ben and Sarah, and the first time I’d used the school lift, I felt really self conscious using it as it was reserved for disabled staff and students only, I was glad to find that my ID card had been updated and activated the lift when I swiped it. As I rolled into my French class the teacher, one of my favourites, stood in front of me.

‘Well, Haylee Barnes, nice of you to show up at last, you’ve got a few absences to make up for.’

‘Bonjour monsieur, je suis désolé.’

‘Ah, bon. I see someone has been practising some French while they were skipping classes.’

‘Well, I thought I probably should.’

‘Bon. Haylee, it’s so good to see you back, even if there is a little less than I was expecting.’ He said nodding down at my wheelchair.

‘Yeah, there was an error by the surgeon.’

‘Oh god, Haylee, I’m so sorry.’ He crouched down and gave me a big cuddle almost lifting me out of my chair, he was a huge man and made me feel tiny as I wrapped my arms around him. After a few moments he let me go and stood up.

‘Come on, time to get his class started.’

‘I thought we were only supposed to speak French in this classroom.’

‘I see that sass is still there.’ He said with mock indignation.

‘You’d miss my banter if I hadn’t come back.’

‘Yeah, you wish, go on, take a desk.’

‘Merci monsieur.’ I said as I wheeled to a nearby vacant spot next to one of my friends, the teacher let the class spend the next 15 minutes talking to me before he started the lesson. After French it was lunchtime, I wheeled out of the classroom, down in the lift and over to the canteen where I found Ben, Sarah and my other friends waiting for me, we then joined the queue. I noticed a few kids looking at me and hated the attention I was getting.