Chapter 6

Saturday January 2

I asked Becca if we could meet and talk this morning, and we ended up at a pancake place.

“So, good news,” I began when it was time for serious talk, “I destroyed what I think was Catherine’s only copy of the video they were holding over your head.

“You think? You’re not sure?” Becca asked nervously.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t be sure,” I told her. “But I also sent a pretty strong message not to mess with you. I think they’re going to leave you alone from now on.”

“What if they don’t?” She asked.

“Then let me know right away, and I’ll try to fix it,” I said. “Please. I need to know as soon as humanly possible if that happens. Seriously - my neck is on the line here. But I don’t think it will come to that.”

“Okay. Thank you,” Becca said quietly.

I touched her hand. “Anything for a friend.”

“You didn’t ... you didn’t watch it, did you?” Becca asked nervously.

“I did,” I told her. “I’m sorry, Becca, but I needed to be sure I had found the right file. But hey - I don’t think any less of you.”

“How could you not?” She asked quietly.

“Becca, lots of women come from anal stimulation,” I explained. “Men, too. I do - I really like it. It’s perfectly normal. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

“But, God...?” Becca asked. “It’s a sin.”

“Well, that’s what we’ve been taught,” I told her. “But honestly, hon, I don’t think God is that cruel. He made us like this - He made us crave sex, and He made us enjoy it in all sorts of ways. I don’t think He would have done that just so that He can laugh at us and and say, ‘You’re going to Hell’. He tests us sometimes - but does that seem like a fair test? The sort of test someone who loves us would give?”

“No,” Becca sniffled.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do - anything you don’t feel right about,” I went on. “I just wanted you to understand that it’s perfectly normal to enjoy it. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“I peed...” she said softly, challenging my claim.

“I don’t think you did,” I said. “Some girls, sometimes when they come, squirt out some fluid, kind of like boys do. It’s not pee. It’s not super-common, but it’s perfectly normal. Some guys are really turned on by it.”

“Has it ever happened to you?” Becca asked.

“No. But a good friend of mine does it,” I said.

“She told you?” Becca asked.

“Well, no,” I said. “I was going down on her, and when I made her come, she squirted all over my face. I actually kind of liked it.” I hoped that the anecdote would put her more at-ease with the idea, rather than alienate her more.

“Anyway: ‘female ejaculation’ - look it up some time when your parents aren’t spying on your Internet usage,” I told her.

I read more of Mom’s diary. She didn’t write as much over the next year, but there was still plenty to read through.

She and George never dated or became friends over the next year. They said hello to each other from time to time, but both stayed in their own circles. She thought she saw him looking at her with fondness once or twice, but she was too shy and too unsure to dare approach him.

When the retreat came around again, Mom was eager to go back. And when Father Cooper asked her to participate in more “research”, she didn’t waste an instant saying yes. She was apprehensive that she might not be matched up with George again, but she had mentioned him enough to Father Cooper over the past year that she was hopeful.

Once again my errant lover was led into the room by the priest, like a happy ending to Romeo and Juliet that Shakespeare kept only for himself.

The filming began, and George and I kissed on the edge of the bed. His hands were not shy with my body, caressing my face and kneading my breast through my dress. Before long he put his hand under my skirt and rubbed my thigh. I was frozen by the monumental newness of the experience, even though it wasn’t truly new. Forever, his hand stroked my thigh, coming so close but never reaching the place I needed him to touch.

The barest whimper was all it took to tell George what I longed for. He leaned me back onto the bed and then hopped to the ground next to it. With both hands, he reached under my skirt and pulled my underwear off. I know it’s foolish, but at that moment, I was thinking, “I get to have my wedding night early.”

George rejoined me on the bed, leaning over me, kissing me once more. His hand retraced its path under my skirt and up my thigh, mercifully quickly, before he touched my vulva. He rubbed it and I moaned. He kept rubbing and I kept moaning: stronger, higher. My body was building toward something - something I had only read about and seen in movies. George’s hand, wet with my secretions and dancing among the folds of my vulva, was about to give me my first orgasm.

He stopped. I should have asked him to continue - begged him - but I didn’t. George took off his pants unrolled a condom on his erection, and then he guided me to where he wanted me. Still wearing my dress, I found myself kneeling, bent forward and hanging on the headboard.

One more time, George’s hands dove under my skirt, lifting it up to make way for our glorious copulation. He filled me with his penis. There was no pain, just a feeling of rightness and primal pleasure. He thrust into me, over and over, making me feel the bliss I had known once before, but forgotten.

The inappropriateness of our configuration tantalized me. Do farm animals and ally cats feel joy like this, I wondered, when they are mounted from behind by their mates? No, I decided: this is an exhilaration for mankind alone.

I could tell by George’s moans that he would be finished soon. I wanted it to last forever, but I had no right to complain. Everything ends.

“Oh Erin, I’m going to come,” George announced.

“Mmm,” I replied in affirmation. And then with a few final, mighty thrusts and a groan, George ejaculated. A part of me wished that his semen was free inside of me, even though I knew the disastrous results that that would bring.

I couldn’t take reading any more of my mom’s diaries - way too fucking weird. I mean, that’s my mom! And a priest! So anyway I decided to turn on the TV and send a text to Martin.

Lexi: Thanks again for coming over the other night. Totally rude of me, I know, but I really needed someone to take my mind off of things.

Martin: Glad to. Still can’t tell me what you were up to?

Lexi: I can’t. Sorry. If you don’t know anything then you won’t have to lie to the authorities. :) Besides, my ex-boyfriend Miles told me - as he was breaking up with me - that I had “burdened” him with all my secrets and that he hated that. I don’t want to do that to my friends.

Martin: Do you still love him?

Lexi: Sorta. Or maybe I just miss him. Not sure if I can tell the difference. But I also kinda hate him, too. I don’t think I’d get back together with him if he asked or anything. How about you? Was it rough when you split up with that girl you had semi-sex with?

Martin: Michelle. Yeah. Although it was as much about dealing with the resounding failure of my sexuality as about losing her.

Lexi: What did you do to get over it?

Martin: Lots and lots of Internet porn and World of Warcraft. You?

Lexi: I fucked a couple strangers and made one of them my bitch. Not my proudest moments.

Lexi: Hey - do you think somewhere in the world the pictures we took are helping some guy get over his broken heart?

Martin: Probably.

Martin: You want to hear something funny?

Lexi: Of course!

Martin: Don’t be mad. The other night, when you asked me to come over at 1:30 AM, a tiny part of my brain thought that maybe you were asking me over for sex. Isn’t that funny?

Lexi: I thought about it.

Martin: You did?

Lexi: Yeah. :)

Martin: But you decided not to.

Lexi: I didn’t think it would be fair to you. You need someone who’s going to take her time and really work with you to make it great. I couldn’t have done that then.

Martin: Oh.

Martin: Heh. I have mixed feelings about this fairness you showed me. :)

Lexi: I’m sorry! I don’t mean to be jerking you around!

Martin: You’re not. It’s nice to hear that you considered it.

After that, I felt the need to text Juliet.

Lexi: Giving very serious thought to sleeping with Martin.

Juliet: Bad haircut guy? C’mon, Lexi! You’re smokin’ hot. You could do so much better!

Lexi: I don’t get it! Two months ago you were practically prying my legs open for semi-hot but despicable guys. Now I say I might want to do it with a really nice guy with whom I get along really well, and you’re telling me it’s the biggest mistake since Windows 8?

Juliet: Nerd. :P

Juliet: I can’t believe you haven’t learned this yet. Nice has a place, but it’s not in the bedroom. In the bedroom you want sexy, aggressive, masculine. You want to be with an alpha male. I’m not sure there are enough letters in the Greek alphabet to say where that guy fits in.

Lexi: So you don’t believe in having nice uncomplicated sex with friends?

Juliet: Sure I do! Friends who are in your league. That’s the only way it can be uncomplicated. If you sleep with this guy, it will mean way more to him than it does to you, and it will destroy your relationship. In the end, you’ll both regret it.

Lexi: Hmm. I’ll think about it.

Juliet: Fair enough. Hey, my brother showed your nudie pictures to a couple of his friends, so they might come out to visit us at college too. I told them you’d be happy to accommodate them all. ;)

Lexi: You are a wicked woman.

Juliet: Damned right, I am.

I usually like it when Juliet plays the big sister role, but this time she kind of pissed me off. I can’t be mad though - I’m the one who brought it up. I don’t know - maybe she’s right. I just really want to help Martin out: give him his confidence back, and a good replacement memory for his first time.