Chapter 4

Monday December 28

I spent the morning reading through my mom’s diaries, but there’s a lot to cover. They start in her first year of high school, and she was much more prolific in these than in her later diaries.

I’m learning a lot about who my mom was when she was young. For one thing, she was really horny. I guess that’s normal for a teenager, but she was also super repressed about it. Catholic guilt in spades. She never directly said that she wanted to get laid in her diaries, but she spent a lot of time pining for this boy or that, and dreaming about marrying them - ASAP.

Even masturbation was off-limits to her. She told her diary about sitting on the washing machine when it started to rumble, and liking the feeling. I don’t think she came, but she lingered there, knowing that she wasn’t “supposed to.” She was wracked with guilt and shame for days until she confessed to a priest. He basically told her that it was no big deal, but she didn’t accept that answer. Her transgression gnawed on her.

Aside from the sexual repression, she seemed like a cool person. She drew pictures and wrote stories, and was apparently a computer enthusiast. She had friends. She got along well with everyone pretty well, from the sound of it. She was shy around boys she liked, but I guess that makes sense.

I needed a break, so I asked Martin if he wanted to go out to lunch with me. He said he wasn’t done editing the pictures, as if that was the only reason I would be contacting him. I told him to take a break and come join me - I just wanted his company.

It’s kind of funny. In high school, Martin and I weren’t really friends. We knew each other - everyone at Saint Frances knew each other. And we respected each other. But we just never hung out. Even after our brief fling where I decided he was the sort of guy I should fall for, and tried to force myself to be attracted to him, we didn’t hang out. Of course, I was expelled from Saint Frances shortly after that.

And yet here we are now, years later, and it feels like he’s my oldest friend. Maybe it’s because I’m sort of desperate for friends - I seem to alienate everyone sooner or later - or maybe I’ve just grown to appreciate him as the years have gone by.

I chatted more with Caleb, trying to earn his trust. I made up a bunch of lies.

UrCODNightmare: So, Secrets, do you fuck?

SoManySecretsOMG: Well, I want to... ;)

UrCODNightmare: So you’ve never done it?

SoManySecretsOMG: Well, I kinda did once.

UrCODNightmare: What do you mean?

SoManySecretsOMG: I can’t tell U. Forget I said anything.

UrCODNightmare: Come on, tell me. You can trust me.

SoManySecretsOMG: Promise?

UrCODNightmare: Yeah. You’re safe with me.

SoManySecretsOMG: It was my cousin.

SoManySecretsOMG: Do U hate me now?

UrCODNightmare: No, not at all. Tell me what happened.

SoManySecretsOMG: When we were little, we used 2 play doctor all the time. He stuck his finger into me, and I played with his thing. But it’s not like we knew how 2 give each other orgasms, or even that we were supposed to.

SoManySecretsOMG: So I didn’t see him for years, but then last year there was this wedding, and we snuck this bottle of gin back to the hotel. We were getting drunk and silly and I said hey, remember how we used 2 do that stuff. So then we got naked and started touching each other like we used 2 and it was just a big joke, U know?

SoManySecretsOMG: So he had his finger in my pussy, just goofing around, U know? But then he started moving it and all of the sudden it was different. It was like he wanted 2 make me come. And I didn’t stop him.

SoManySecretsOMG: But then pretty soon he was above me and his hard dick was rubbing against my thigh, and he gave me a look like he was asking if it was okay. But it was also like he needed it. And I wanted it 2, so then he fucked me. My cousin popped my cherry.

SoManySecretsOMG: OMG, U can’t tell anyone I told you that. Please?????????

UrCODNightmare: Your secret’s safe with me. But I really want to meet you in person.

Maybe if I can’t work for the FBI, I can get a job writing for low budget late night cable porn.

Tuesday December 29

Martin invited me over early in the day. He said he had finished editing my photos and suggested we go over them together.

He had done an absolute ton of work on the pictures. Of the 94 raw shots he took, he had separated fourteen into the “anonymous” album, and six into the “personal” album. The latter were the pics from which I might be identified.

The kinds of editing he did went way beyond just cropping and red-eye adjustment, too. I’ve got a little red ingrown hair bump on my calf that he dutifully edited out of all of the shots. In some shots there were some barely noticeable wisps of hair that he removed. And then there was stuff like weird light reflections from my skin.

One of the personal pics he took to extremes, just for kicks, giving me Disney-proportioned eyes and body.

“So what are you going to do with them?” Martin asked after we finished going over the collection.

“I think I have to post them,” I told him. “I wasn’t really planning to, but god, your photography is so good it would be wrong not to show the world what you can do.”

Martin got serious. “Lexi, you can’t do something like that for me. It has to be for you.”

I smiled. “Martin, I don’t know if you noticed,” I said with a half-whisper, “I kinda like turning guys on.” I shrugged with playful guilt.

Martin chuckled. “Well, on behalf of men everywhere, thank you,” he said.

I made the post right there from Martin’s room, under the username TCPVoyer. I gave the post the title, “I(f) you think I’m worthy, I’d love to help make you come”, which is not actually a very provocative name for that forum.

Martin and I spent some time looking at the other girls’ photos and the responses they earned. After reading one particularly stupid comment, I said, “Well you know that guy’s a virgin,” without thinking about it. Martin got really quiet.

“I’m sorry, Martin,” I said. I had hit on a really sore spot.

“It’s cool,” he said. “It is what it is.”

“I really don’t think it’s as bad as you think it is, though,” I said, trying and failing to be uplifting.

“Lexi, it’s not just about bragging to the guys or something like that,” he explained. “There’s this whole giant part of the human experience that everyone gets, except me. I’m out of the club. I’m not ... a man.”

“Okay, I get that,” I said tenderly. “It sucks waiting, but...”

“No, that’s the thing,” Martin interrupted me. “All evidence suggests that I can’t come during sex. I’m broken. It’ll be like this forever.”

I couldn’t think of anything to say that would make him feel better, so I just side-hugged him. After a respectful period of time, I clicked on another link from the GoneWild subreddit, and asked Martin what he thought of the girl’s breasts. Martin accepted the change of topic gracefully and pretty soon we were having fun again.

Martin’s mom texted us from downstairs, asking if she could make us anything for lunch. We strolled downstairs to the kitchen, laughing, and thanked her for whatever she cared to fix.

“So what have you two been up to all morning in your locked bedroom?” Martin’s mom asked while she braised some chicken fillets. She said it teasingly, but you could tell that her curiosity was genuine.

Martin and I looked at each other, which probably was a dead giveaway that whatever we said would be a lie. “Martin has been helping to edit my poetry collection,” I said.

“Oh, you’re a poet!” Martin’s mom said. “Could I read some?”

“I couldn’t,” I said shyly. “I’d be way too embarrassed for anyone to see it. Martin’s the only one I can trust.” I fingered my cross pendant to help sell the good girl act.

After lunch I went home and sent a message to Juliet.

Lexi: I’m thinking about sleeping with my friend Martin.

Juliet: Pic?

I sent her the best picture I could find of Martin online. It was from high school, so he was in a dress shirt and tie. Martin isn’t bad looking, but he always looks a bit unkempt: his hair needs a trim, or his clothes are wrinkled, or he missed a spot shaving.

Juliet: Why??

Lexi: He’s really sweet.

Juliet: Uh-huh. And does sweet get you wet?

Lexi: It might, in this case.

Juliet: Sure.

Lexi: He’s my friend! Plus he’s sort of a virgin, and I want to help him.

Juliet: “Sort of” a virgin...?

Lexi: Long story. Anyway, he’s the one who took these.

I sent Juliet the link to my naked photos reddit post.

Juliet: Whoa! You’ve got balls, girl! Nice body, snow bunny!

Lexi: /me blushes

Juliet: Hey, can I show these to my brother?

Lexi: If you want. Just don’t tell anyone who knows me that they’re me.

Juliet: Oh, I am going to make Ash suffer so much with these!

Lexi: Can’t wait to hear about it. ;)

In the evening I worked Caleb some more. I’m almost ready to spring my trap.

SoManySecretsOMG: Is that Catherine girl ur girlfriend?

UrCODNightmare: Well, officially yes. But it’s not real. It’s just something to make our parents happy. Certainly no reason I can’t see other girls.

SoManySecretsOMG: I’m glad.

UrCODNightmare: I want you to suck my cock.

SoManySecretsOMG: I want 2. I’ve been practicing, U know...

UrCODNightmare: On who?

SoManySecretsOMG: Not a guy. U will be my 1st. Well, I hope U will be. My sister gave me a dildo. I’ve been trying 2 deep throat it 2 practice.

UrCODNightmare: I like that. What else have you been doing with it?

SoManySecretsOMG: Ull see... ;)

UrCODNightmare: Will I?

SoManySecretsOMG: Yes. Tonight I’m going to send you some pictures. Hi res ones.

UrCODNightmare: Will I finally get to see your face?

SoManySecretsOMG: U will get to see EVERYTHING. ;)

UrCODNightmare: I can’t wait.

Wednesday December 30

Holy fuck! I think I just found my mother’s secret! Maybe she’s punking me, because this can’t be real. But how could she have possibly set this up as a joke?

In the summer when my mom was sixteen, she was scheduled to go to a church retreat. She had been to one the year before and loved it, so she was really excited about this one. There would be a bunch of other kids there - ones she got along with well, and there would be games and discussions and activities. One of the boys going on the trip was George, the biggest crush of her life so far. Here’s what she wrote when she returned.