Chapter 33: 2000

“So is everything all right? Your call saying you’d be late kinda concerned me,” said Sarah. I fell onto the couch, sighed, and took a deep breath. I shrugged.

“Yes, everything is fine, I guess,” I said.

“Oh?” said my wife. “So, no problems but problems anyway?”

“Talking to my ex these last couple of hours was kind of a downer. She thinks that I have to do some things, and I’m not going to.”

Over the next hour I gave my woman an in-depth briefing on what Valerie Cooper and I discussed and came to semi-disagreement about.

“Well, I think you are right the both of you,” she said. “Truth is, that that is what I told you I wanted to discuss with you when I got my thoughts in order if you remember. When you kept getting half answers and excuses from your daughter about being too busy to come by; well...”

“You came to the same conclusion that I did?” I said.

“Yes, I believe that you had every right to demand what you essentially did demand; but what you demanded didn’t make a lot of sense. I have a sister and a brother, in Tucson. Those are the relatives that don’t want any part of me like I told you before. I know what it’s like to lose family,” said my Sarah.

“Your situation is very different of course because in your case it is not your fault. Losing mine was my fault. But being apart for so long and having someone take your place, and be in your place for so long; well, it’s really tough, maybe impossible, to rekindle family relationships. You might want to remain open to it maybe happening, but to worry about things continually is not a good idea.”

“So, do you think I should do anything? I mean how should I go about dealing with Jillian?”

“Like you told Valerie, just keep going with the flow, and let Jillian be more a part of us if she wants, or not if she doesn’t. Cajoling her or begging her to be ‘fair’ is a losing proposition at best.

“Chase, Jillian doesn’t love you, not like a child loves a parent. She can’t do it; it’s all but impossible. Take for example Abraham Lincoln. One might say that they love him because he was such a great man, but that’s not familial love. It’s more like hero worship. I can believe; no, I do believe that Jillian sees you as a hero, and she should. But she will probably never seek your shoulder to cry on, that will be the other guy. He taught her to ride a bicycle, admonished her as to how to deal with boys, got her her first car and taught her how to drive it. The list is long.

“Chase, all you did was save her life, and her mom’s: big things, hero things; but not the parent thing. You kinda have to accept that and deal with it. Valerie wants to make everything right with you. Kinda pretend like none of the bad stuff ever happened. That’s the impossible dream as they say; and this time it’s Valerie that’s Don Quixote tilting at windmills. Those bad things did happen, and you are a hero; that has to be enough for you because it’s all you are ever going to get.”

“Okay, that’s how I will play it. Yes,” I said. “I’ll be a hero, but only a biological father from here on out. Yes!”

“Just take things as they come. People like us, living in cages and kennels for so long a time, as I’ve heard you say, others can appreciate what we went through, but never really understand what we’re about, not really. We can’t expect them to.”

“Yes,” I said. “And just so you know, I couldn’t live without you, really.”

“The same goes for me Mister, it does.”

The day after my meeting with Valerie and my talk with Sarah, I got a visit at work from my daughter. I wasn’t really surprised; I was sure that Valerie would have talked to her, and she obviously had. It was Tuesday, September 5th, 2000. She caught me just as I was getting off the day shift.

“Got time for a bite to eat?” she said coming up to me. I nodded.

“Okay, I guess. Denny’s okay with you. I like their patty melts,” I said.

“Yes, sure,” she said.

“I gotta call Sarah. I’ll meet you there in ten.” She smiled and headed out to get her car while I called Sarah. My wife understood.

Arriving at the diner, I went inside. She’d already secured us a booth. I plopped down across from her.

Neither of us spoke, not immediately. We just perused the menus. I knew what I wanted, but it gave me, really us, a chance to settle in.

Finally, waters in front of us, food ordered, she gave me the look.

“So, Dad?” she said. The waitress brought the coffee just as Jill was about to speak. We nodded our thank yous to the waitress. I took a sip of my coffee.

I paused. I wasn’t sure how to handle this, but maybe she did.

“I know you talked to mom yesterday,” she said. “She said you talked long about me.”

“Yes,” I said. “Just so you know, we’re okay, you and me, I got no beef about anything.”

“Dad...” I held up my hand to short shank her.

“As she maintained, it is my A-negative blood that flows in your veins. It is my kidney that rests in your pretty pink self. I know you’re grateful and all that. I’m your goddamn hero. But ... well, I was gone too long. There’s no getting around that.”

“Dad?” she said.

“Biologically, I am your only father, and there is no you getting around that. But the other guy was there for you for the twenty-five years that I was not. So, the best that I can claim now is my biological fatherhood. I know it. I’m resigned to it.

“Your mom was very persuasive. But how you see me now is for you to decide, no more pressure from me. So as far as I’m concerned, you referring to him as dad or daddy or even father from here on out is fine,” I said.

“Huh?” she said.

“Like I say, it’s your decision. I’ll deal with whatever you decide,” I said. “No more pressure from me, like I said. I’m not going to worry about it anymore.”

“Dad? I don’t understand. I mean are we good?”

“Sure. No problem on my account,” I said. “I got me a wife now, and we’re family, the two of us. It’s enough for me.”