Chapter 20: 1992

Some think the most beautiful animal in the word is a dog or cat but for me it’s ducks. Ducks don’t bother anybody, they just swim around, fly a little here and there, and entertain losers like me.

I’d been making a habit of visiting the park near the Blue Star Country Club most days after work. It was either that or a bar. But I work at a bar, graveyard, but by the end of shift I was always kinda bared-out as one might say, hence the park. I usually just hung out for an hour or so, but it did seem to kinda re-energize me. It was fall and not too warm. I’d be heading down to the park a little later.

October ‘92, summer was over. It’d been some eleven months since I’d walked out on the Cooper elders at the Pancake House. Nor had I had any contact with my daughter since that time. Did I make a mistake walking out? I didn’t think so. I knew in my heart that I was out of the running for my long hoped for reacquisition of my daddyship. Even if they came to me now and said they’d changed their minds, and I was to be reinstalled as the big guy in my daughter’s life, it would be a lie. They had their lives, I had mine and never the twain would meet, not in any real world.

I was sure I’d hear from them again. But nothing was gonna change. I would just be sending them politely on their way and get on with things. Yes, that was the way it was going to be. Yes!

And time passed.

Odd not hearing from them in so long a time, but I was used to it; hell, it’s all I did in prison.

“So, you saw him. Did you say anything to him?” said Valerie.

“No, I didn’t have the nerve. I was checking on him, you know, just wanted to see if he was all right,” said Jillian. Her mother nodded.

“And?”

“Mom, he talked to nobody, nobody. He is so lonely, so obviously lonely. He has nothing but the job. He cleans up spills on the floor, polishes the toilets in the restrooms and that’s about it. He doesn’t have anybody to talk to or visit with; he doesn’t have anything. It is so sad.

“I’ve been kinda stalking him these past months, just watching him making sure he’s okay; He’s not okay, Mom. I shoulda given him what he wanted, but I just couldn’t do that to daddy. Chase Benedict is my real daddy too—I guess. I realize that, but he doesn’t see things that way. He sees daddy as a bad person. I guess that I understand why he thinks that, but it is so not the reality. I guess what I wanted, and still want, is for him to realize what the reality was, is,” she said.

“Yes, I understand what you’re saying. We’ll fix things soon; your dad is working on a way. And I am glad you are keeping an eye on him. I do wish you had told me, but whatever, I do approve of you doing so.

“Thanks Mom.”

I’d spotted Jillian a week gone, that had been on Friday night, as I came on duty for my usual shift. She’d stayed for a couple of hours never once looking my way that I saw or coming up to me to say anything. She was just sitting there sipping her drink at the bar. Weird...

At any rate, it was Sunday morning, a week later, Valerie Cooper was sitting at the bar and making hard core eye contact with me, but not attempting to speak with me, as I retreated from the women’s head, once again, with my mop bucket. My shift was over.

I would be doing my best to avoid dealing with my ex as difficult as such might turn out to be. I did need to check in with the bartender before heading out and home. I hoped to be able to do so unobtrusively. I was tired, no park today and no pancakes. It was 7:13 a.m.

After checking with the boss, I hit the head and washed up a bit. When I came out, she was waiting for me. I sighed my frustration.

“Had to trap me in my workplace bathroom to get an appointment?” I said. “Oh, and yes, I still hate you.”

“Chase, please. A cup of coffee across the street?” she said. There was a donut shop across the street and the coffee was not too bad there. I gave in.

We crossed at the corner, walked two doors up, entered, ordered at the counter, got our coffees and chocolate donuts, and took seats outside at one of the small sun-brella protected tables a bit back from the sidewalk and the street traffic beyond.

“So,” I said. “What?”

“It’s time now,” she said.

“And why would that be?” I said, “and time for what?”.

“Because it’s been too long.”

“That’s on you, Plus as you know I’ve been busy these past few decades. And so what anyway? Has anything changed?” I said. She looked down.

“This is just a social visit, Chase. I’ve missed you,” she said. She snickered at my consciously raised eyebrows.

“No arguments, negotiations, any of that today. Okay?” she said. “We’ve done all that: you and Jillian, and then Herb and me. So not again, not today.”

“Hmm,” I said.

“So how are you? Job okay?” she said. I shrugged.

“I get along, Work, hang out at the park down the street a bit. Drink a little. Like I say, I get along. How’s your daughter?”

“She’s good. Works for her dad’s shop in town. I don’t know what she does exactly. He says she’s an analyst, an accountant,” said Valerie.

“Hmm, her dad ... I’d ask analyst of what, but I likely wouldn’t know what you meant even if you do know enough to answer me,” I said. She’d bit her tongue realizing she’d stung me referring to her husband as my kid’s dad.

“Hope I’m not being too forward, but any woman friend?”

“You’re being too forward. But no, don’t want one anyway,” I said. “There’s never been any woman for me but you, and after you dumped me, well, after spending half my lifetime in prison I kinda got used to not being around them, women. I just do what I do and let it go at that.”

“Chase really, I didn’t see what I did as dumping you, really. You’re the greatest guy in the world,” she said.

“You mean the second greatest,” I said. “And oh, I did see it as you dumping me.”

“Chase, please, it’s hard to explain. Yes, I love my husband. And I love you. It may be that I love you the most. But I do love Herbert, and that’s not going to change. But what needs to change, Chase, is you finding another woman to share your bed and to love you like you deserved to be loved in that special way.”

“By special way, you mean like you love the number-one greatest guy in the world,” I said. “My nothing social life is none of your business, Valerie, so stay out of it!”

“Chase!”

“And as regards your suggestion, not too many women are looking to hook up with a fifty-year-old convicted murderer,” I said. “Hell, it’s clear to me you didn’t and don’t want to, and we had a daughter together, one that you gave away to somebody else; you know, the number-one greatest guy in the world.”

“Chase, you’re her daddy too! Damn, I didn’t want to discuss that matter with you today. Anything but that. Not yet,” she said.

“Hmm, kinda hard not to, I guess,” I said.

“Changing the subject, where are you staying now?” she said. “I mean it has been a year and more since you got out.”

“You mean you don’t know?” I was absolutely certain that she did know, but maybe not; I mean anything was possible.

“I got a place nearby. Nothing up to your standards, so don’t be trying to visit me there,” I said.

“Chase, I gotta ask would it be okay if I, or any of us, visit you here? Like today,” she said.

“I’d really prefer that you not bother me. I treasure my privacy. I spent most of my time in prison by myself. I kinda got used to it. I mean you understand,” I said. “Well actually, that’s wrong, there is no way you could possibly understand.”