Chapter 17: 1980-1981

And then I got another note from Lilly. She’d be coming on the holiday, the first of the year if I’d allow it. How in hell the rich guy was able to get by the so called rules was something. Anyway, her visiting? I decided to allow her. I’d be putting her on my visitors’ list, but only her.

I’d been thin when I’d seen her when she’d visited before, maybe one-twenty or so, but now: emaciated, pale as a ghost, eyes literally sunken back into their sockets. I smiled some more; yeah, I looked terrible.

And now she was here. three feet away on the other side of the glass. She took a seat and picked up the phone. She looked good. Yeah, her husband was a lucky dude for sure.

“Good of you to come,” I said. I looked like shit, I knew, and I was glad. I wanted her to tell the Coopers what I looked like when she returned to Phoenix.

“Jesus, Chase, you look awful. Please Chase, eat and do something to be healthier, anything!”

“Whereas you look nice!” I said. “Really. Mister Bach must thank his lucky stars each and every night he’s got you by his side.” She looked down.

“Chase, I know you want the Coopers, especially Herbert, to stay out of your life. He understands that now, boy does he. But mister Golding, William, plans to do his lawyer-best to help you. Please Chase; let him.

“So are the Coopers going to leave me alone, let me live my own life what’s left of it?” I said.

“Yes,” said Lilly.

“I guess we’ll just have to see, won’t we,” I said.

“Chase, can I ask, why did you allow me to visit? Mister Golding said no one would be allowed to visit you but him and family.”

I knew what she meant. I stared at her for a long moment. She waited me out.

“Because you know everything about that bad day back in ‘66, and you are not one of the bad guys. If you’ve kept your promise about keeping your husband out of the loop, well, that means something to me in terms of your integrity, Lilly. Fact is, that’s everything to me.

“And there’s the matter of my daughter. And she is my daughter not his. My memories of her are memories of when she was little more than a toddler and all mine; they’re my memories, not Cooper’s, not ever his. She loved me, my baby did, and me her.

“I know she doesn’t remember me now, probably never will, not like it was back then. I’d hoped Valerie would have kept memories of me alive in her, but well, she didn’t; she lied. She has a different agenda; and now we’re where we are, I guess,” I said. And I started to bawl like a baby.

“When you get out...” she started, but I raised my hand to shush her.

“Yeah right,” I said. “Jillian’s what, eighteen now, right? And she’ll be thirty when I get out if I don’t die in here.”

“Chase, please. Yes, she’s almost nineteen. I hear she’s going to start college soon. Herbert’s going to fund her going to Harvard; she’s smart enough.”

“Yeah, mister rich guy. I wanted her to go to ASU. A real school, not a school for self-absorbed assholes like Harvard. But I know I have no say in any of that, never will,” I said.

“Chase, Harvard’s the best school in the country!”

“No, it’s just advertised as the best school in the country. There is no best school. There’s only best learners. The best teachers are those that show those best learners how to learn more effectively and then get out of the way and let them do the work they need to do. But, like I say, I know I have no say in any of that. They’ll do what they want, or what he wants,” I said.

She took on a studied look. It was odd.

“What?” I said.

“Chase, you’ve given me something to think about. I’ll be talking to Herb and Valerie about some things. Okay?” I shrugged.

“Whatever,” I said.

“Chase going back to what I was talking about when I first sat down here. Any chance you’d consider letting your lawyer back on your approved visitor list, at least him?” she said.

“I’ll think about it. I’ll let you know if you visit again,” I said.

“I plan to visit again, Chase. It might not be often. I mean ... but I will visit. Okay?”