“Hello, my name is Dave, and I’m speaking into this microphone so I can tell this friendly reporter, Ida, everything that’s happened in my life. She wanted to write a story about me for the newspaper, but the first thing she wanted to talk about was April Fool’s Day pranks because today is April 1st. I explained that I can’t jump around; I had to start at the beginning, from growing up to being married for ten happy years with five children.

My name is Dave, not David, and my last name is Weber. My first memories were from before I started school. I remember seeing doctors and visiting hospitals. I remember being angry a lot until my sixth birthday when my dad took me to a movie, which changed my life.

The film was 2001 Space Odyssey, made by Stanley Kubrick. Even though the main character was named Dave, like me, I liked HAL 9000, and I wanted to think like him and sound just like him.

I saw the movie dozens of times in the theater, but sometimes I got mad because people talked during the movie, and I finally blew up and had a meltdown. Dad said I couldn’t go to the movies anymore, so he bought me a 2001 Space Odyssey VHS tape and let me use a spare VHS player he brought from work. After I started watching the movie at home, I really began calming down and not throwing fits; instead, I acted and spoke like HAL 9000, calm, quiet, and emotionless.

I memorized all the lines in the movie and began reciting them to all my family and acquaintances. The word friend is missing because I have no friends, only acquaintances, which means teachers, classmates, and people I say hi to in our neighborhood. Family consisted of Mom and Dad, my older sister, and my two younger brothers.

I began communicating with my Mom using modified quotes from the movie; for instance, if Mom asked me to do something, I would reply, “Affirmative, Mother. I read you.” Sometimes I couldn’t help it and had to say something clever, like when I found my Mom cleaning my room and asked, “Just what do you think you’re doing, Mother? Mom, I really think I’m entitled to an answer to that question.” Dad had to explain that one to Mom so she wouldn’t lock me in my room.

My mom eventually learned how to deal with me when I was ten. I followed her into the kitchen and talked nonstop about computer games on the Internet, and she replied that I wasn’t making any sense because she didn’t like Internet games. They made sense to me, so I continued talking. When she got tired of my voice, she surprised me by saying, “Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye,” a line from the movie by HAL9000. I stared at Mom before leaving the kitchen, and she had a big smile. After that, we communicated as equals, and Mom’s HAL 9000 voice was better than mine.

My older sister, Violet, never talked to me unless she was angry about something she thought I’d done, and then she screamed at me. My typical response, which made her even more enraged, was, “Look, Violet, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you should sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.” She usually screamed even louder, then went to her room and slammed her door.

In 12^th grade, I went on five dates set up by two football players, Rick and Bob, who I helped pass geometry. Rick explained how I should act with the girls, and Bob told me what I should ask my date to do for me on ‘Paradise Hill.’

After the movie let out, I parked on the hill overlooking the town and asked the question. The first three girls said ‘NO’ and made me take them home. The fourth girl made me laugh when she said, “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” I thought that was funny because that was a HAL 9000 line from the movie. She still made me take her home.

The last girl I dated in high school scared me. Her name was Mona, and when I asked her the question, she said, ‘Okay,’ scooted next to me, and unzipped my pants. I freaked out, jumped out of my dad’s car, and told her to drive herself home. I took off running and ran home, over five miles away.

My dad’s car was in the driveway when I got home, and when I saw Mona sitting on our couch, I got scared and tried to leave, but my mom grabbed my arm and used her best HAL 9000 voice ever, saying, “Dave, Mona needs to communicate with you.”

I stopped struggling, and Mona began talking and told me that the football players weren’t my friends, and she answered yes to my question because she was easy and wasn’t ashamed to admit it, then she thanked me for the date, and dad drove her home.

I didn’t date anymore, and I still don’t understand why Bob said to ask my dates to ‘choke my chicken?’ I don’t have a chicken, and what does that have to do with dating?

After I graduated high school and went to college, I discovered personal computers and decided that the movie 2001 was kid stuff, and I mostly stopped quoting lines from the movie. Now everything was about computers for me and writing programs.”

Ida interrupted me, “What do you do at work?”

“I write code for computers.”

“Dave, what do you like about computers?”

“They don’t ask questions, haha.” She looked like she was going to scream, so I guess she didn’t like my joke.

“I’m sorry, I like writing programs and watching a line of code floating around in the air in front of me while I type on my keyboard. I like to play role-playing games like Warcraft and Minecraft. I work in a building with no windows, and my job is to write programs for the doctor so that I can afford to have a big family, a big house, and a dog.”

“Who’s the doctor.”

“I can’t talk about him; it’s a secret.”

“Can you explain what these programs you write do?”

“Oh, things like making a rocket at point A take-off and land at point B 7000 miles away. But I can’t talk about them.”

“What was college like for you?”

“I liked college, and I made a lot of friends.”

“How did you know they were your friends?”

“They all wanted to sit next to me when we had tests, and some of the girls that liked me thanked me for helping them pass and kissed me on the cheek. I don’t remember helping anyone, so I think they confused me with someone else.”

“Did you have a roommate?”

“My college roommate, Rich, locked me out of our dorm room once a week, usually on Friday or Saturday. I guess he did this because he was taste-testing something called the flavor of the week, whatever that means.

I asked him once if I could taste the flavor of the week, and I thought he was going into shock, he was wheezing so hard. When he could breathe again, he held the door open, so I could see a girl sitting on his bed wearing only panties, and Rich said, “Dave, meet the flavor of the week.” I could see her nipples, and I remembered my sister screaming at me when I saw hers, so I left the dorm quickly.

Whenever the door was locked, I snuck into the library before it closed and hid in the back until the lights went out, then wandered around reading books before sleeping on the couch in the head librarian’s office. She was pretty cool once she understood my dilemma.”

“How did you meet your wife?”

“I was out for a walk, and my normal journey went past a fraternity house, and they were having a party, and they must’ve been drinking because people were staggering in and out the front door and falling down. I continued walking down the sidewalk, and someone grabbed my leg. I stopped to look, and this girl was on her side, grabbing my pants leg with two hands and saying, “Help. Help,” over and over. I asked her if she needed help standing, and I helped her up, but she fell again and threw up on my shoes. She started choking, and I remember the nurse at my first aid class telling me, “When people drink too much, they throw up and choke, so you have to help them.” So I picked her up and carried her back to my house and was going to put her in my bed when she started gagging again, so I carried her into my bathroom and held her head over my tub, and she threw up some more on our clothes.”

“Dave, why didn’t you let her throw up in the toilet?”

“That’s for going number one and number two, and the tub is a much bigger target.”

“Okay, I see a little logic there, so what happened next?”

“She had puked all over her clothes and mine, so I couldn’t put her in my bed smelling like that, but I was nervous because my mom always told me, “never undress a girl unless she asks you to do it,” and I didn’t know what to do.”

“What did you do?”

“I called Mom, explained what happened, and asked her, “What should I do?” She told me, “As long as you didn’t play with her, it’s okay to undress her, wash her and dry her and put a T-shirt on her while you washed her clothes.” I didn’t know what she meant about playing with her, but Mom said I could undress her, so I did. After rinsing the tub, I got her clothes off, but I couldn’t hold her up to clean her under the shower. So I gave her a hot bath with bubbles and strawberry shampoo. She has pretty hair, and I dried it carefully with a towel. After I dried her off and put one of my T-shirts on her, I tucked her into my bed and put her clothes in the washing machine. She was breathing okay, but I was afraid she might throw up again, so after I cleaned up, I grabbed a pillow and lay down on the floor to watch her if she got sick again.”

“Why didn’t you lie on the bed’s other side?”

“I couldn’t do that, because we weren’t married.”

“Of course, only you, Dave. So what happened next?”

“I got up and dressed for work...”

“I meant with the girl.”

“I got up and dressed for work, and she woke up, holding her head and making awful sounds. I asked her if she was okay, and she groaned. I explained that her clothes were in my dryer, and then I said I had to go to work and asked her to close my front door when she left.”

“So you were going to leave her in your house and go to work.”

“I have to go to work because the doctor is expecting me. But she wasn’t gonna let me go to work because she wrapped herself around me and started crying and begging me not to leave. She didn’t scare me like Mona did, but she wouldn’t let me explain that I had to go to work, so for the very first time, I called the doctor.

I asked him if I could take off today. He was very upset and made me tell him everything, starting when she grabbed my leg. When I told him the part about calling Mom, he started coughing, said he was choking on something, and told me to take the day off.”

“All right, now you’re off the whole day; what happened next?”

“I got her clothes out of the dryer, and she dressed, and I made her breakfast, just toast because her stomach was still upset. She finally told me her name was Susan, and I told her my name was Dave. She asked if we did anything together, and I told her of course and explained that I carried her to my house and she threw up on me, so I bathed her, put her in my bed, and watched her all night. Then she started crying and saying I was the only man who treated her like a person instead of a piece of meat.

I got nervous when Susan jumped on my lap and kissed me right on the lips. She kept kissing me and then told me, “Kiss me like I’m kissing you,” so I did what I was told and stuck my tongue in her mouth, and that felt strange, and I felt tingling down below, and then she took my hands and placed them on her breasts, telling me it was okay to touch them. Momma always said if the girl told me I could touch her breasts, then it was okay.”

“Have you ever touched a girl’s breasts before?”

“Never, and they felt soft, and she let me unbutton her blouse so I could feel her skin with my hands. Her breasts were nice and warm, and her nipples were big and stuck out. Susan stood up, took off the rest of her clothes, and then asked if she could undress me. She was naked, so I guess it was okay if I was naked. When she pulled my pants down, she whispered, “Oh my, you’re hung,” but I thought I was standing. She pulled me down on my bed, and we stayed there until I heard the afternoon school bus dropping kids off on the corner.”

“What did the two of you do in bed?”

“I don’t think I should talk about that, but Susan kept praising me for having staying power which didn’t make sense since she was on top, and I couldn’t get up and leave. We did a lot of things that I liked a lot, and when it got dark outside, I asked her if she had classes the next day? She told me she had a job and only went to the fraternity because she thought she was too ugly to get a real date. Look, here’s her picture. Do you think she’s ugly?”

“Not at all; she’s very, um, nice.”

“So I told her that anyone who said she was ugly was not her friend, and if she wanted someone to kiss her and tell her she’s pretty, then she should live with me, and I would be her boyfriend until we got married so we could sleep in the same bed.”

“Wow, I’ll bet that got her attention. What did she do?”

“She started shaking and crying before saying, “But you don’t know all the ugly things I’ve done and all the guy’s I’ve had sex with. I’m nothing but a whore.” Her saying that made me mad, but I didn’t know what to do. I guessed that what we did all afternoon was sex, so I asked her, ‘If we get married would you do any of those ugly things again?’ Before she answered, I asked a second question.”

“Which was?”

“I asked her, ‘If you were my wife would you promise to do the things we did today only with me, but we could do them any time we wanted to?’

She hugged me tight and whispered that she promised not to do any of those ugly things again unless they were with me, and she was sure the only man she’d want to have sex with was me.