Not being one that ever paid much attention to the “begats” and “it came to pass” stuff from the good book, the story about Noah and the famous “Flood” seemed more fairy tale than scripture.

The whole thing about the building of the Ark, the collection of pairs of animals of every species and the movement of his family to an untested vessel of uncertain construction in the midst of a veritable “Zoo” of biblical proportions is more fantastical than fact in my mind.

The entire story of the Garden of Eden and the Adam and Eve stuff seems a lot more plausible than the Noah story from my perspective, because it was the real beginning, and the animals were more background observers than active participants. Of course, the entire animal kingdom was screwed right from the get-go due to not having free will and that mystical thing called a “soul”.

The main character of Noah was a real complicated personality filled with a desire to believe and a faith that if God gave him instructions, it was an order he couldn’t refuse. At first, he was not sure how to build the Ark but eventually the blueprints registered in his brain housing group and he went on to construct a first-rate vessel for surviving the forty days and nights of non-stop rain pouring from the heavens above.

In my younger years, I was quite the religious-minded lad spouting Latin and eager to name the Saints and their feast-days at the drop of a hat. I spent more time in church than I did in school addicted to the scent of incense and always scraping candle wax from my clothes from the lighting and snuffing out of countless candles.

I really wanted to believe everything in the good book, but when it came to that Noah story, I just shook my head in disbelief and simply saw it as an exaggerated yarn thought up by some overly-imaginative disciple.

A few years back, I saw a documentary about the wreckage of the Ark being excavated on some mountain over in Turkey. It was interesting from the fact that the vessel was of the exact same dimensions as described in the pre-birth of Christ scriptures and was at an elevation thousands of meters above sea level. That certainly would coincide with the biblical descriptions.

I still had this ingrained skepticism that pairs of every animal in the world would fit into a wooden ship of that size. In addition to that, the logistics of feeding and tending so many beasts and then releasing them back into a water-soaked world seemed far-fetched.

Of course, there were many stories of the same illogical vein that were included in both the Old and the New Testament giving pause for reflection for even the most spirit-filled true believers. I kept my doubts to myself not wanting to incur the ire of my more accepting family members taking anything written in the book as gospel fact.

I have tried to picture old Noah building this fantastic vessel and then scouting around and rounding up a pair of every creature in the world to march up the ramp into the ship and get them ready for the coming rain that would flood land and float the Ark into watery surface with no land visible in any direction. Finally, the tip of that high mountain comes into view and he grounds the ship way up near the top. As the waters recede, he starts to let the animals get off the Ark and they find their way to the corners of the world to start the cycle all over again in a world cleansed of a sinning populace no longer protected by God’s favor.

The whole thing sounded a bit intense and perhaps an over-reaction by a supposed forgiving God. The affair in Sodom and Gomorrah seemed paltry in comparison. The turning into salt punishment for Lot’s pretty wife seemed a bit “over the top” just for turning around with natural human curiosity.

It seemed just as unlikely that the world was then repopulated by Noah’s descendants at a more accelerated pace than the original Garden of Eden bunch before them. Noah and all the passengers onboard the Ark had been subjected to the same downfall from grace after the alleged “eating of the apple” by Eve and her presumed encouragement of Adam to do the same thing in violation of God’s decree. Then, when you think about God already knowing his experiment was doomed to failure but continuing it for thousands of years stretches the ability of the average human brain to accept as truth.

Noah was busy arranging the quarters assignments for all his relatives and friends of like religious thinking to spend a long time confined below decks with thousands of smelly animals. Some of the animals were dangerously wild and needed to be confined to protect the human passengers and other animals further down the food chain than the truly wild ones. He made certain his tiny area was comfortable for his wife and his two sisters-in-law that he used to ensure his lineage would continue far into the future. Of course, he always said a prayer for fertility before mounting one of the sisters because he knew he had to stay on the right side of the Lord who had given exact instructions on how to survive the coming debacle.

He had just finished his nightly duties with his wife, and he was surprised her younger sister was waiting in her tiny compartment for her share of his copious seeds to continue Noah’s line. She was a slender woman with almost no breasts to speak of, but she had a nice humping saddle and was much tighter than her older sister who had already given birth to no less than four children. She asked him to mount her from the rear like the animals onboard the Ark did right in front of their eyes both day and night. Noah was uncertain if that was in accordance with the teachings of God, but it seemed normal enough to him provided he didn’t put his tool of creation anywhere near the pretty girl’s anal opening which had caused such problems in Sodom and Gomorrah. He found her vaginal opening with ease and found the sister was already wet with her own juices and he hoped it was with the spirit of procreation and not her need for sex. He said a quick prayer and shoved his heavy-duty dick inside her humping until he spurted a nice copious load into her waiting womb.