Chapter 3: Offkey

‘Ah, peaceful,’ Noah thought to himself as he drifted down the river. He was riding on a raft made of wood from the village, some trees he had cut himself, and various other materials. A pile of pine boughs kept him insulated from the water below, and a sail made from his traveler blanket sped him beyond the push of the current. Making it had taken most of the morning, but by noon, he had already traveled farther than he would have in a day of walking.

He was currently enjoying a brief respite from the attacking monsters. They’d spot him from the river banks while feeding on slain ogres. Goblins would hurl their spears, and wolves splashed along in the shallows to try and get at him. It would have been too much effort to reach their bodies and harvest anything of worth, so if Noah had to kill them with his bow, he just left them where they fell.

By day’s end, he made it back to the channel and set up camp along the bank, hiding in an alcove that only the water could reach. He set out early the next day, without the same speed as before. He no longer had a current to carry him, and while larger ships could harness the western winds to move up and down the channel, his small sail could only push him against the bank, so he was stuck with rowing. Though an exhausting exercise, it reminded him of the regattas he competed in during his days at Yale so long ago.

Eventually, a ship came his way from up north, and he was able to hitch a ride to the coast. Fortunately, this voyage was less turbulent than the last. The smell of the ocean grew more potent with each mile traveled until, at last, the endless blue expanse was clear to all eyes. A city of stone and brick sat where the channel met the sea. Colbrand, the capital of Uther. Even from a distance, Noah could see the cathedrals and the mansions of nobles, and in the center stood a grand palace.

It was a Medieval metropolis with several small rivers and aqueducts providing water. Noah couldn’t deny he was a bit excited. This was the closest he’d ever get to traveling back in time to one of the great cities of the ancient world. Stepping off the ship and feeling the ground under his feet, he didn’t even mind the rank smell of the unwashed masses and roads caked with sewage.

He wandered the streets, soaking in the sights and looking for a place to stay. This city was rich in commerce, growing fat from the fur, sea, and timber trade and basking in riches and goods from nearby nations thanks to their position on the coast. Market real estate was priceless, with merchant tents and stands taking up every open space. Like Noah, there were adventurers everywhere with plans to enter the academy, all arriving simultaneously, and that wasn’t all.

Knight’s Day, more than just the enrollment date, was a summer holiday celebrating the achievements of the knighthood and their service to the country in current and past wars. Soon, the city would become the scene of a grand festival, so everyone with the means to travel would flock to Colbrand. The streets were packed almost to overflowing, with everyone looking for a bed for the night.

As the sun drifted towards the horizon, Noah started to get worried. He hadn’t found any inns with a spare room, and even the stables were occupied. He might have to sleep in the streets. He’d prefer not to scour the city for a spot where no one had recently dumped a chamber pot. Despite his concern, he didn’t drop his guard and grabbed the wrist of a pickpocket as they tried to reach into his bag. He twisted the street rat’s arm, forcing him to the ground.

“Nice try, you’re lucky I don’t have time to...” Noah trailed off, hearing something that made his heart skip a beat. The noise of the streets smothered it, but he was sure he heard something familiar. “No fucking way.”

Noah released the thief and took off. Left, right, left, he ran down the roads, following the distant strumming. Finally, he arrived to find a man sitting in the street with a guitar in his hands. He was in his late twenties, with long messy hair and a beard, the dirtiest pair of jeans Noah had ever seen, and a torn leather jacket. The neck of his guitar had been broken and poorly repaired, and the lower bout had a large hole busted in it, so none of his chords sounded right. Still, he played, catching the rare tossed coin with his open guitar case.

“Classical Gas,” Noah said.

The man’s hand jerked, producing a whine from his guitar that threatened to break one of the strings. He stared at Noah with wide eyes, his mouth hanging open. “What the fuck did you just say?”

“Never thought I’d hear Classical Gas being played on a street in goddamn Middle Earth.”

The man dropped his guitar and scrambled over to Noah, too excited to even get off his knees. He grabbed Noah’s shirt, sobbing hysterically. “Oh God, I thought I was alone! I thought I had lost my mind!” His wailing was drawing looks from everyone around.

“Hey, hey, take it easy.” Noah tried to calm him, but he was hysterical. “Come on; I’ll buy you a drink. You and I have a lot to talk about.”

They went to a nearby bar, and Noah ordered a pitcher and two mugs for their table in the corner. The man emptied his mug as soon as it was filled and slammed it back onto the table with a deep sigh.

“So, who are you?” Noah asked, drinking his beer with substantially less vigor.

“I’m Daniel, you?”

“I’m ... Noah. You came from the modern world, same as me, right?”

“Tennessee, 2019, you?”

“Maine, same year. Did you die in the other world?”

“Yeah, I got hit by a truck. Next thing I know, I’m waking up on a beach. That happened a couple months ago. You died too?”

“School shooting.”

“Oof.”

“Don’t worry about it. Tell me, has this ever happened to you before? Traveling to different realities after death?”

“Fuck no. I mean, I’ve had some bad trips before, but nothing like this. What about you?”

Noah hesitated, unsure of how to respond. Everything he thought he knew had changed. This man had the transmigration ability without reincarnating, meaning he was only experiencing one of Noah’s problems and offered no help on the other. He didn’t have enough information to safely lay his cards on the table.

“No, I thought this stuff only happened in fantasy novels.”

“Christ, I was hoping you might know what was going on.”

“Look on the bright side. Would you rather have been splattered by that truck?”

Daniel refilled his mug with shaky hands. “I wish I had. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve had the shit kicked out of me since I got here?”

“Tell me everything that’s happened. Maybe something you did after arriving or where it happened will offer us a clue.”

“I woke up with my guitar broken, and I was craving pretty bad. I just thought I had been out partying. It wasn’t the weirdest place I’ve woken up. I didn’t even remember the truck until later. I knew something was wrong when I reached the first town. It was like a fucking Renaissance fair, man. Everyone looked at me like a fucking alien.

I was out of smack and fucking dying on my feet. Some church took me in once I promised to devote myself to whatever god they worshiped. That week nearly killed me, I swear to fucking Christ. Sleeping on some straw, shitting and puking my brains out while rats chewed on my feet. I bailed as soon as I could walk.

I decided to come here. I thought I’d have a better chance of living in the city rather than out in the boondocks. I’ve been playing in the street to try and get scratch. My fucking guitar, man, broken to shit. I tried fixing it, but it’s fucked. I can’t play anything right. I’ve been mugged so many times, and the soldiers don’t do shit. They beat me up too.”

“What about before the accident? What was your life like? Did you ever encounter some kind of magic or unexplainable phenomenon that might have been the precurs— might have led up to you showing up in this world.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. I’ve been trying to remember, but big parts of my life are really hazy. Before I came here, my life was only a little bit better. I had a shitty apartment and paid rent by playing in bars and dealing heroin, though I ended up using as much as I sold. At least coming here got me clean, though I don’t know if it counts since I don’t even have the option to shoot up. As for any magic, I’m gonna have to say no.”

“But can you use any magic now?”

“I fucking wish, bro. Then I’d show those soldiers who’s boss.”

Another strike. It seemed Daniel had very little to offer. Still, this guy was his only hint to the nature of Noah’s reincarnation, so he couldn’t just let him die in the gutter.

“You haven’t told anyone else about all this, have you? Talked about Earth?”

“A few, and probably more while delirious. Why?”

“If you tell people you’re from another world, a world full of technology, the best-case scenario is that they think you’re lying or just crazy. Worst case? You end up burned at the stake for blasphemy.”

“Yeah, something like that did happen to me once or twice. The locals are crazy.”

“And if you don’t want it to keep happening, do what I do. Lie. Learn to blend in. This is Rome, so do as the Romans.”

“So, wait, is that why you talk with an Uther accent?”

“Ah, you noticed. Does it sound authentic?”

“You hit the ‘ice’ in ‘noticed’ a little weird.”

“Hmmm.”

“Yeah.”

“Well this is what it takes to blend in. Instead of bitching about your old life, get a new one. When are you ever going to get a fresher start than this?”

“This fresh start is more like a fresh shit.”

“That’s because you smell like a sewer. Do you know your way around the city?”

“Yeah, I’d say so.”

“Know of any good bathhouses? I’d kill for some hot water, and you’re a borderline health hazard.”

“Sure, I think I have enough money for that.”

“Relax, it’ll be my treat. Show me where the nobles go.”

The prospect of a bath lit him up like a Christmas tree. “I know just the place!”

They left the bar, and Daniel led Noah through the city with his guitar case slung over his shoulder. They arrived at a great stone building near the palace, decorated with statues and sporting a fountain out front. The patrons entering and leaving were nobles and wealthy businessmen with their wives or concubines and some veteran adventurers and knights. The way they carried themselves and their physiques displayed their battle experience.

They stepped into a vast entry hall that diverged into the men’s and women’s baths, and between the two corridors, a reception desk operated by a well-dressed butler and maid. They gave Noah and Daniel disapproving looks, not that Noah could blame them. One looked like any beggar pulled off the street, the other just a filthy young adventurer, the two of them little more than a pair of loiterers, hence the disdain in the butler’s words when he spoke.

“Welcome to the Teapot Royale. How might I assist you?”

“Good evening,” said Noah with a nod. “We’re first-time patrons and unaware of the protocol. What amenities do you have to offer us?” He placed his hand on the table, flashing his ring. There was no seal or coat of arms, but it was gaudy enough to make them re-evaluate their view of Noah.

“We offer baths both public and private, good sir, with your choice of scented herbs and soaps,” the butler said with a humbler tone. “There is also a laundry service, and any possessions left in our care are guaranteed safe, be they weapons or money.”

Behind Noah, Daniel was doing his best not to squeal like a fangirl.

“Is the water in the baths reused, or can I order it fresh?”

“We used purified ocean water for each bath, fresh if you’d prefer, or reused for a discount.”

“I’d like two private fresh baths, piping hot, with soap, and we’ll also take advantage of your laundry service.”

“Excellent, sir. For the two of you, that’ll be eight bronze coins.”

Uther’s coin system was metric, making it easy to configure it to dollar values. The trick was determining the strength of the dollar. This was a $40 bath, leaving even Noah irked by the amount. True, even simple commodities were a tiresome process in this world, but prices like these were likely set to ensure the common folk never got in. Annoying, but not unexpected.

“Very well.”

“Excellent, now if I could just get your name.”

“Put us both under ‘Daniel.’”

Soon after, two loud sighs of happiness were released by Noah and Daniel, each sitting in private baths and shrouded by wisps of steam. These baths, made using glazed clay, were just two of many, forming a ring around a cold-water pool. Many of the baths were occupied by young men like Noah and elderly nobles, while the pool was used as a scene to discuss business, politics, or simply talk as friends.

“This might be the greatest moment of my life since coming here,” said Daniel.

“I’ve certainly missed this,” Noah replied with a washcloth over his eyes.

“Thank you so much for this. I don’t know if I can ever repay you back.”

“Let’s just say you owe me one and leave it at that for now.”

“How’d you get all that money to throw around?”

“I appeared in the northern territories and decided to become an adventurer. It’s been very lucrative.”

“You really been fighting monsters and shit?”

“Yeah, I also did some protection work.”

“Fuckin’ badass. The only monster I ever fought was some kind of angry rabbit. Damn thing tried to tear my throat out. Where’s the holy hand grenade when I need it?”

“Yeah, I’ve faced plenty of those little long-eared honey badgers.”

“I kinda thought I had ended up in a video game when I first got here, like I was back in Clock Town after meeting Skull Kid.”

“I know, right? I was half-expecting to get experience points when I killed my first monster.”

“‘It’s dangerous to go alone, take this.’ Where the hell was that guy when I needed him?”

“I will say, though, those health potions have been a lifesaver. It’s hard not to just drink them like Red Bulls.”

“No kidding. By the way, why did you come to the capital?”

“I’m enrolling in the knight academy.”

“Magic school, sweet! You’re living every teen book nerd’s fantasy.”

“I am looking forward to it. I want to see how many clichés end up being real.”

“I bet you a pitcher that one of your classmates ends up being secret royalty.”

“Don’t jinx me. I want to see if I can figure them out for myself. Do you know anything about the school?”

“Only that you and, like, five hundred others are trying to get in. A lot of them are total dicks about it, especially the noble kids. I could throw an apple core into a crowd and end up hitting some princeling or something right as he’s bragging, and I say that because it’s already happened. That was one of many events resulting in me getting my dick kicked in. Probably about ... half of the people in here under 20 are enrolling.”

“Tell me about the city. I need all the information I can get.”

“Well there is no sewage or electricity, which sucks ass. They have those stone bridges that deliver water. What are they called?”

“Aqueducts, yeah, I saw a few of them when I came down the channel.”

“There are fountains, but they’re a far cry from a regular sink.”

“I mean socially. What should I be aware of?”

“From what I’ve picked up, minus bums like me, everyone in this city works for someone else. Every business is under the thumb of some noble. The only exceptions are businesses that have joined into merchant guilds, or whatever they’re called. They’re sort of like unions, I guess.”

“Do things ever get violent? You know, “protection money” rackets or that sort of thing?”

“Not from what I’ve seen. I mean, unless you have some kind of backer, it’s hard to open anything larger than a food stand. Tent on the street corner? You’re good; you’re protected by the guilds. Solid walls and actual property? You’re gonna have to kiss someone’s ring.”

“What about the palace? What role do they play?”

“They seem pretty hands-off when it comes to business. As for the military, they dominate everything and tax the hell out of stuff coming in through the ports.”

It didn’t surprise Noah, considering what he had heard about the knighthood. The only way the royal family could control all military might was to give the nobles free rein over all enterprise as compensation. However, there was no telling how long this system could last. One side would eventually go too far, and the other would have to retaliate to put them back in order.

Noah and Daniel enjoyed the hot water as long as they could and scrubbed until their baths looked like cups of coffee. Finally, they left the bathhouse with freshly cleaned clothes and raised spirits, but the night was almost upon them.

“Now to get some grub. Any places you can recommend?”

“I know a guy with a tent, makes a decent pot of stew and sells it cheap. Nice guy, real mush-mouth.”

“Lead the way.”

The bathhouse was situated in the more affluent section of the city, so they had to walk a bit to find this fabled street chef. When they arrived, they found a line of several other homeless people, including some adventurers, leading to a tent where a large man was filling up bowls of stew.

“I’ll get in line. Try playing something while we wait. Maybe you can make some money. Besides, until I can find some magic way to a way to charge my phone, you’re my only source of real music.”

“Now that, I can definitely do.”

Noah got in line with the other hungry customers and waited to the sound of an out-of-tune rendition of ‘Hey Jude.’ No matter his skill, the broken neck of his guitar was screwing with the tension of the strings, so he repelled passersby rather than entertained them. As for the street chef, Daniel was right; Noah could barely understand what he was saying. He couldn’t tell whether it was an accent or speech impediment, but the man mainly spoke in vowels. Noah had to use his clone to save his space in line so he could move to the front and see how much other people were paying.

“Oh screw it.”

While invisible, he slipped into the tent, stole two bowls made from the shells of horseshoe crabs, and filled them up when the man wasn’t looking. Then, he rejoined his clone and made his way back, only to suddenly stop. Something was happening while Daniel played. Noah could see Daniel’s mana zipping back and forth along the strings like a Jacob’s ladder and sparking off his fingers. It was close, so close to manifesting as magic.

‘So that’s why he thought he couldn’t use magic. But why would his guitar be the medium?’

Then, as he got closer, he noticed something happening to his own magic. Ripples were moving through his clone, like a reflection in the water during the rain. He could feel his mana reacting. Before Daniel could notice, he deactivated his spells, and they both sat at the edge of the street with their bowls. They didn’t have spoons or forks, but it didn’t seem like anyone who bought the stew did. The two ate greedily, and it was well worth the walk.

‘I suppose I should pay for this after all.’ “Tomorrow, let’s see about getting your guitar fixed.”

Daniel turned to him, a strange look on his face, like the entire world had just gone silent. “You’d do that for me?” He spoke as if Noah was offering to donate a kidney.

“You really love that thing, don’t you?”

Daniel sat back, staring up at the sky. “Playing is the only thing I don’t suck at. Aside from drugs, it’s the only thing that lets me drown out the world. For as long as I can remember, living has only meant pain, and music helped me forget that. I flunked out of school, but I’m a master of the craft. Besides, this guitar is all I have left in the world.” Silence drifted between them. “Oh, hey, you want something to smoke?”

“Should I say yes to that?” Noah countered. Daniel reached into one of his inner coat pockets and pulled out a crinkled zip lock bag full of herbs. “You can’t seriously have pot.”

“God, I fucking wish I did. I’d say it’s more like weak opium from across the sea. All I know is it helps take the edge off a bit when I get cravings.”

Noah chuckled. “That’s like quitting cigarettes by smoking nicotine gum.”

“No, it’s more like ... wow, shit, you’re right. That just goes to show you how crazy this world is. We got dragons, magic, and this shit right here.” Daniel revealed a wooden pipe and a BIC lighter. “Better than nothing, I suppose.” He filled up his pipe, took a hit, and handed it to Noah.

“So that’s what I see everyone smoking. I haven’t taken the time to try it for myself.” Noah breathed in and savored the smoke, analyzing it before releasing a cloud. “Passable, but ‘meh.’ Hopefully, in a few hundred years, they’ll have done enough selective breeding to produce something decent. What do they call it?”

“Gonlief. I’ve been toying with the idea of growing and selling it myself, you know, from the comfort of the rain barrel I sleep in.”

“Forget the rain barrel, let’s look for a brothel. I’ll just pay for the full night, and that’ll keep us off the streets.”

“And just like that, you are officially the greatest friend I’ve ever had. I’d follow you through Hell back.”

“Well, first, we need to find a place that has some open beds.”

“I’ve heard nothing but good things about one place, if you’re interested. I’ve wanted to go there since I arrived.”

“Sounds like fun.”

With the loss of the sun, Colbrand was morphing into its nightlife stage, where music filled the streets, and lanterns and torches kept the darkness away from everyone’s minds. The taverns were at their peak of business, with drunks staggering out as quickly as sober customers streamed in.

“An awful lot of flutes and drums playing,” said Noah.

“I know, right? The only strings I ever see on are harps, and you can’t even play ‘Smoke on the Water’.”

“You’d think someone would have invented the lute by now.”

They arrived at the Knight’s Sheath, and just from the exterior architecture, Noah knew it was unique. Most brothels he had seen in this world didn’t look any different from regular taverns and inns, just drab wooden boxes with some windows. However, a lot of care and effort had been put into constructing this building, giving it more of a Victorian manor look. It was also considerably large, with several floors, like a noble’s mansion.

They entered an expansive parlor, surprisingly well-lit and full of activity. From atop a stage on the far end, a woman played the harp and sang in another language. On the other side was a bar adorned with countless bottles of varying shapes and colors. The center of the room was full of men drinking and gambling while the working girls handed out mugs.

It was indeed a cut above any other establishment Noah had seen. Prostitutes typically wore dresses with some exposed cleavage and were easily identified by how they acted around men. Here, every outfit was theatrically sultry and alluring with a burlesque theme.

“It’s like King Arthur’s Playboy mansion!” Daniel said with giddy excitement.

“In more than one way, look.” Noah watched the girls, noticing that most of them had beastmen traits, such as animal ears, tails, eyes, and even feathers. “Are all of these girls slaves from the north?”

“We have no slave girls here.”

The voice came from directly above the two men. They looked up to see a shelf above the door, where a black cat sat like a sphinx, its eyes focused on them.

“Did that cat just talk?” Daniel asked in shock.

“At this point, I’d be disappointed if it didn’t,” Noah said. He looked back up at the cat. “Are you the madam in charge of this place?”

If a cat could smile, this one appeared to try, and its tail began to swish. “I am; good instincts. Madam Cyrilo, at your service.”

“I’m Jake, and this is Daniel.”

“Welcome, good sirs. As I said before, there are no slave girls here. Their dead eyes and depressing auras tend to repel normal customers and attract sadistic ones. We only employ proper courtesans, women who take pride and pleasure in their work.”

“But then why do all these girls—”

“For fetishists,” said Noah, cutting Daniel off. “Right?”

“Correct again. I taught these girls shamanism myself, at least, those with an affinity for it. Beastmen slaves are becoming all too common, and every noble wants one as a pet. This is how we keep the customers coming in.”

“Fucking furries, man. They’re even in this world.”

“You two are cute. Have some drinks and enjoy yourselves.”

Noah and Daniel went to the bar, and the bartender poured them a pair of glasses of fine liquor. He looked like he was ex-military, or perhaps a former adventurer, due to how he carried himself, looking like both a butler and a bouncer. When we stepped out of hearing range, Daniel turned to Noah.

“Jake?”

“Do me a favor, call me that when there are other people around. I try to avoid giving my real name when I don’t need to.”

“Isn’t that a bit paranoid?”

“Not if it’s easy. It’s only paranoia when effort is put in.”

Daniel looked around. “That truck really must have killed me, because I’ve finally arrived in heaven.”

“Yeah, I’m glad you talked me into it. This place is sweet.”

A brunette beauty leaned against the counter, sporting a pair of rabbit ears, a tail, and the stockings and corset to match. “It can get even sweeter. Hi, I’m Bella.” Her lips had a lascivious curl, and she gazed at Noah with honest lust. “Young and handsome, my favorite. Do you want to hop down the bunny trail?”

“That was fast, excellent customer service. But that depends, I need a woman who can entertain me all night. Do you have the stamina for that?”

She giggled. “It’s so cute when you boys try to impress and act all tough. It makes me want to eat you up. You’ll be wiped out after five minutes with me, I guarantee it.”

Noah turned to the bartender. “I’d like a bottle of wine to go.” Noah finished his drink and then handed Daniel some silver coins. “Don’t spend it all. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Daniel raised his glass in admiration, looking like he was about to shed manly tears. “Goodnight, you prince of Maine! You king of New England!”

Noah held a bottle of wine in one hand and Bella’s soft fingers in the other, following her up the stairs to her bedroom. Some candles were lit, revealing a bed that smelled of perfume.

“Make yourself comfortable, I’ll change out of this silly thing, and then we can properly enjoy ourselves.”

She ducked behind a folding screen, and Noah quickly scanned the room. He’d generally do a full search for hidden enemies, but the most obvious threat was already before him. Noah removed his clothes and got in the bed with the blanket covering his lower half. The bottle of wine obscured his vision as he took a deep drink, and when he lowered it, Bella entered his view, wearing nothing but lace stockings and a garter belt.

“You got a carrot for me to nibble on?”

“While I appreciate your enthusiasm, the puns aren’t working as well as you might think. Come on, let me see what you can do.”

She smirked and strode over to the bed. Her steps were well-practiced, the pendulous swinging of her hips showing off her figure and causing her pert breasts to jiggle. She climbed onto the bed, crawling over to Noah and lowering her head to his waist. She nuzzled against his covered member like a cat against a table corner. She was good, using the feel of her chin and cheekbones to build him up and turn the blanket into a tent.

She pulled the blanket away, and Noah felt the warmth of her hands as her fingers coiled around him. “Oh, nice. Very nice.” She spat onto her palms and began stroking him, getting it slick. She settled on his lap, but instead of letting him penetrate her, she rubbed her slit against his shaft. She was scooching her hips back and forth, grinding harder and harder while her hands continued stroking and caressing him. The feel of his shaft against her clit made her hum and coo in bliss.

Noah came quickly, dropping a batch on his stomach. “Impressive technique, well done.”

“The way you spoke, I was expecting you to last longer. I can’t deny my disappointment.”

“Well, as you can see from the amount, it’s been a while. That was the easy one.” Noah took another drink of wine. “I’m nowhere near done yet, and you have plenty of work to do. For starters, I see a mess you need to clean up.”

“As you wish.”

She once more lowered her head and licked the semen off his stomach, not letting any of it go to waste. His half-mast member then vanished into her mouth, and she once more displayed her skill. The forming and breaking suction, the slurping of saliva, her hums of exertion; they were such soft sounds, yet so clear, like the chiming of bells. She drenched his cock and sucked it clean over and over while her hands worked the shaft and massaged his balls.

With her head so close, Noah decided to indulge his curiosity. He stroked her long rabbit ears, immersing his fingers in the soft fur. Bella shivered when he touched them but didn’t say anything. She was probably used to guys grabbing at them and simply resumed her work. He was gentle, and the longer he stroked her ears, the more he displayed his skill, and the more her own skill devolved. The sensation turned into a distraction, and she had to pull away when he began rolling the tips of her ears between his fingers.