Chapter 9

I blinked, frozen in the wake of my sister’s electrifying question. I was in no way, shape, or form ready for this eventuality.

“Why would you ask me that?” I managed, weakly.

“Because the last time I was here, when I looked at Beth’s bedroom, it was spotless, except for the bed, which had a layer of dust on it. I thought that was odd, except I knew Beth just slept in the nursery because Paulette was eating every two hours. But I left Beth a card, under her pillow; a congratulations card for having the baby. That card is still there, Bobby. I just checked. And there’s even more dust on the bedspread now than there was then. It’s obvious Beth doesn’t sleep in that bed, Bobby. So where does she sleep? With you?”

“Molly, don’t be ridiculous,” I said.

She rocked, silently for so long I got really uncomfortable. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I had no explanation for her observations.

“Paulette is yours ... isn’t she,” said my sister. It wasn’t a question.

“Molly,” I said. That was it. That was all I had.

“I trusted you,” she sighed. “I trusted you with my only daughter.”

“It was an accident!” I blurted.

My (much) older sister sneered at me.

“You don’t sleep with a girl and get her pregnant all by accident. Not when she’s your fucking niece!”

“What I mean is I didn’t intend for anything to happen,” I said. “Things happened that I didn’t mean to happen and then it got all out of control.”

“And now you live together and sleep together and are having babies together, but none of that is in your control, either, right?” she said, acidly.

“Like I said,” I answered lamely. “Things seemed to take on a life of their own. I didn’t plan any of this. Ask Beth. She’ll tell you. Neither of us thought something like this could result from a simple babysitting session.”

“Are you telling me it goes back that far?” gasped Molly. “This goes back to when she was in high school?”

“I guess so. Not like this, of course. I mean we didn’t do very much then, but I guess that’s when the avalanche started. She snuck out to that party, remember?” My sister didn’t say anything but I figured she did remember so I went on. “So I taught her a lesson by spanking her. You know that part. What you don’t know is that it turned out she kind of liked that. And I had this stupid idea that if I touched her a little she’d be all freaked out about it and decide to swear off sex or something. I wasn’t trying to get lucky with her, Molly. I swear. I just wanted her to rethink the ‘sneaking out and letting random guys fuck her’ thing. But she was horny all the time and she kept wanting me to touch her. That’s why I got her that stupid vibrator, remember? I did all that because I was trying not to have sex with her. Honest. And it almost worked, except it took too long for the damned thing to get there and she insisted on sleeping with me and -”

“Don’t you dare blame this on a sixteen-year-old girl who was left in the care of her uncle!” barked Molly.

“I’m not blaming it on her,” I said, wearily. “I’m just telling you what happened. Her teacher shouldn’t have raped her, either, but some part of her was curious, which caused her to make bad decisions. She didn’t like what he did but she went on with life, except it messed her up and made her horny all the time. At least that’s what she thought back then. We talked about it a lot, Molly. I really was trying to help her establish some boundaries she could live with, to help her regulate her behavior. I don’t know why she decided she wanted to explore with me, too. I thought if I touched her she’d react like when he had touched her and decide to stop letting boys ... you know. Except she didn’t react like I thought she would. She hated it when the teacher touched her, but she didn’t hate it when I did. That’s when things got out of control. I didn’t know what to do so I just caved to what she wanted. I’m not blaming her. I know I should have resisted, but I made bad decisions, too.”

It was silent except for the creaking of two rocking chairs and the friction of the runners on the wood floor of the porch.

“And when I left, I thought it was over, you know, just one of those crazy things that spirals out of control, but you survive it.” I sighed. “And then you called and asked if she could live with me while she went to college and...” I didn’t list what happened then. I figured that was kind of obvious, now. “I couldn’t say no, Molly. I couldn’t just tell you I’d had sex with Beth and it wasn’t a good idea to send her to UNL. And I’m not blaming it on you, either. She had this plan and none of us knew about it, but I swear I didn’t ask her to come to Lincoln so I could molest her again.”

Again there was silence, except for creaking and scraping.

“Fuck!” said Molly. This was uncharacteristic of my sister. She didn’t curse a lot, normally. “It was all right there in front of me and I didn’t see it,” she muttered. “Her grades. The way she straightened up. The way she wasn’t interested in boys anymore. I thought you’d just talked some sense into her. I even thought that fucking vibrator you got her was a good idea! And the whole time she was playing me!”

“I’d say I was sorry,” I said, deciding to throw myself on my metaphorical sword. “But it would be a lie. I love her, Molly. I know it’s crazy but we fell in love. I told her over and over I was too old, and too related, but she didn’t care. She didn’t even tell me she’d gone off the pill when she got pregnant with Paulette.”

“Are you trying to say she played you, too?” asked my sister.

“No. I knew what she wanted. I didn’t know she’d gone off the pill, but even if I had it probably wouldn’t have made a difference. I just couldn’t resist her.”

Molly stood and the chair rocked, empty and somehow forlorn, slowing until it sat still.

“I need to go talk to my daughter,” she said.

“Getting angry won’t solve anything,” I said.

“I know that!” she snapped. “I’m not an idiot!”

She stepped off with one foot but looked over her shoulder at me.

“Like my little brother is,” she sneered.

I didn’t go back in. My presence wouldn’t have done any good. Whatever was going on inside was between mother and daughter. Mother and grown daughter. Kids don’t listen to their parents when they’re teens, and they don’t listen any better when they’re in their twenties. In my experience, it’s only when you’re raising your own kids that you begin to listen to the counsel of your parents. That’s probably because you find out how unbelievably difficult it is to raise children. And while Beth was raising a child, that child wasn’t old enough, yet, to cause parental angst by its shenanigans.

So I sat there, rocking slowly, breathing in the clean desert air, and let them work it out themselves.

I hoped Molly wouldn’t just stomp out and go back home, never to darken her daughter’s doorway again, forever.

I didn’t time it, but it was dark by the time Beth opened the screen door and said supper was ready. That was good. She’d prepared supper. That was something fairly normal.

When I went in, the table was already set and the food was displayed. It was a chicken and rice casserole with lima beans on the side, simple, but filling. Molly sat across from me and Beth sat at the head of the table. It was all normal up to that point, but the meal itself wasn’t. That’s because there was no conversation whatsoever. Nobody said anything other than “Pass the beans” or whatever.

When supper was over, though, Molly helped put dishes in the dishwasher while Beth washed the casserole dish in the sink. Nobody told me what to do, so I left and went to my office. The world might be coming to an end, but I still had work to do ... just in case the apocalypse got delayed.

I was still working when Beth came in and rested her hands on my shoulders.

“Come to bed. Mom knows, now, so we don’t have to pretend anymore.”

“It’s still kind of in her face if we sleep together,” I said.

“I don’t care,” she said.

“You have to care. She’s your mother. She’s going to be your mother forever.”

“We’ll work it out,” she said. “She’s still talking to me and she hasn’t left, so that’s a good sign.”

“Still, maybe you should sleep in your room,” I said. “Why exacerbate things?”

“I think things are already exacerbated,” said Beth. “I’m tired. I’m going to sleep in our bed to get a few hours before Paulette wakes me up. You do whatever you want to do. If you want to sleep in my room, feel free.”

She left and I sat there, trying to think.

I was tired, too, though, and thinking was too hard to do at that moment.

I did get a blanket and laid down on top of “Beth’s” dusty bed spread. An hour later I heard Paulette fussing and got up. I found Beth sitting up in bed and told her I’d take care of it and to go back to sleep. I went to get Paulette and held her while I got a bottle of breast milk from the fridge and nuked it. She fussed because I wasn’t her mother, but took the nipple when I offered it to her. I was sitting there, waiting for her to finish and poop when I realized Molly was standing in the shadows, watching me. When she realized I’d seen her, she finally spoke.

“Brings back memories,” she said.

“I bet you don’t miss it,” I commented.

“You’d be surprised,” she said. “Those are fond memories. It’s a little like childbirth. You forget the pain and frustration, and only remember the bonding part.”

“I guess,” I said. “To Paulette all I am is a poor second to her mamma. We haven’t done much bonding, yet.”

“You will,” said Molly. “She’s going to grow up and then you’ll be her daddy. She’ll think of you as the sun, moon, and stars. Beth was always a daddy’s girl.”

“I didn’t know how to be a parent when I was supposed to be taking care of Beth,” I said. “It’s still all new to me. I don’t know how to be a parent now, either.”

“You’re not doing too badly,” said Molly. “Is she finished? I’ll change her.”

Paulette was just playing with the nipple, so I handed her over to her grandmother. Molly began baby-talking as she changed Paulette’s diaper. That part wasn’t strange, but the content was.

“I’ll take care of that dirty diaper,” she said. “My goodness but you’re getting big! You’re a beautiful little girl, aren’t you! Yes you are. Your daddy might be an idiot, but he made a perfect little angel, didn’t he? Yes, he did. Now, you need to go to sleep. You need your sleep so you can grow up big and strong.” She began rocking Paulette in her arms while I reached for the rolled-up dirty diaper and put it in the bin. Molly crooned a tuneless lullaby and then stopped and looked at me.

“I’ll put her down. You go back to bed.”

“Okay,” I sighed. “Thanks.”

“You don’t have to sleep on that bed,” said my sister. “That’s ridiculous.”

“I just thought...”

“No you didn’t. That’s your problem. You never think. You’re the genius in the family and still you don’t think before you stir up a mountain of shit.”

“I’m not the genius of the family,” I objected. “That’s all you.”

“For all the good it’s done me,” she grumped.

She started baby-talking to Paulette again.

“Yes, your daddy’s not as smart as he thinks he is, is he? No he isn’t. But he made you so we’ll cut him some slack. Yes we will. You have to grow up and keep an eye on him so he doesn’t do any more stupid things. Yes you do.”

She kept rocking the baby and talking to her but I didn’t stay to listen.

I just went and joined Beth in bed.

Molly stayed two more days. It was awkward, because she never discussed my ... situation ... again. She never brought it up and I decided not to, as well. I didn’t know what she was thinking, but at least she wasn’t screaming at me. She spent a lot more time with Beth than she did me. I did my share of taking care of Paulette and got some work done. Beth worked on her projects, too, while grandma took care of the baby, but Beth didn’t say anything about the elephant in the room either. I tried to bring it up and she cut me off.