Chapter 43

“So, do you have anything you want to tell me?”

The ice in Bill’s voice reached deep inside his guts and stabbed at everything within reach, but there was nothing to do but endure it. “Do you really need to hear me say it? Do you want to hear me say it?”

“Humor me.”

No way out but through. “We had an affair, Kathryn and I. We had sex.”

“Is that it?”

“No. We...”

“You what?”

“We fell in love. We are in love.”

“And where was I while this soap opera was unfolding?”

Luke couldn’t look at him. “Home, sometimes. Mostly not.”

“So you decided that it would be fun to take advantage of my absence and screw both my wife and me.”

“It wasn’t...”

“Let me tell you how it was, and you can let me know what I got wrong. You met Kathryn at a bar, and like everyone else who’s ever met her, you decided that you wanted her. Nothing happened that night, because she still remembered that she was married and you didn’t get her drunk enough to forget. But then you discovered a back door and wormed your way into our lives. And once you were there...”

“No. Seriously, no. That’s not how it happened.”

“It is. It’s just not the version you tell yourself.”

“But it’s not ... it’s...”

“Then go ahead and tell me the story that’s going to make me feel better.”

Luke finally managed to look at him. Fury, desperation, but most of all pain were fully evident on his face, and all three threatened to compress Luke’s heart into a lifeless husk. “There’s nothing that’s going to make you feel better. But I never had a strategy, and though I know it doesn’t mean much to you right now, I debated taking the job until the last possible moment. Yes, I wanted her, but as you say so does everyone. Yes, while lying awake at night staring at the ceiling, I dreamed about something happening. But I didn’t expect it, and I didn’t plan for it. And I absolutely didn’t want to hurt you. You were my...”

“If the word ‘friend’ passes your lips right now, so help me god, I will put my fist straight through them.”

Luke sallowed hard and nodded, accepting that this was how it was going to go until he was allowed to leave. “I had no idea how she felt about me, or if she had any thoughts about me at all, and in the beginning I did everything I could to keep my feelings to myself. I’m sure I wasn’t always successful, but I did try. I didn’t realize how she felt about me until...”

“You can spare me the lurid details. She told me everything.”

“She said she would.”

“Yes, even though it takes her a while, she always follows through on her emotional commitments, though apparently not on her promises of fidelity. Whereas your abilities in both realms leave a lot to be desired, you deceitful little shit. Given the choice between respecting a marriage and an old family friend, or fucking my wife, which one did you choose, and how long did it take you to make that choice? Don’t worry, I already know the answer to both.”

“Uh...”

“Ten days. That’s how little I, my marriage, and your self-respect meant to you.”

“Bill, I...”

“You’ve lost the right to call me by my first name.” Bill glared at him for a while before continuing. “I’m surprised you don’t have more to say for yourself.”

“In my defense? What would be the point? I don’t have one, because there isn’t one aside from the fact that I love her. I don’t know what I could possibly say that would change things, or make anything better for you. It happened, and you apparently know all about it. I know you’ll never believe me, but I really am sorry that we did this to you.”

“So you both claim. And you’re right: I didn’t believe her when she said the exact same thing, so there’s no chance in hell that I’m going to believe you.”

“I...” For the first time since his arrival, Luke noticed that Bill wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. He experienced a wild riot of emotions at the sight, but exerted a tremendous effort to keep them from his face. The effort failed.

“Don’t get too excited. I couldn’t stand the sight of it anymore. And even if it means what you hope it means, what makes you think that I’ll let the two of you be together?” His tone was low and menacing. Neither the comment about kicking him out a window, nor about putting a fist through his face, had felt like genuine threats, but for the first time a genuine thrill of fear shot through Luke. It sounded less like a threat than a promise. “You probably thought you could run off somewhere and be untouchable. You forget who my friends are. I could make both your lives so difficult that your only alternative would be to live out the rest of your days in separate and solitary misery. And I still might do exactly that out of pure spite, because you both deserve it.”

Choking back a gasp, Luke asked, “Is that why I’m here? Am I supposed to beg you to to take it easy on us? Because if that’s what you want, I will, especially for her sake. Is this some sort of negotiation?”

“If it is, you’re in way over your head. Because you’re finally realizing that I could do it, aren’t you? And it hurts, doesn’t it? The thought of losing her — of having her snatched away right when you thought you might have a future with her — doesn’t it make you hate the sort of person who’d do such a thing?”

Luke gulped, desperate to escape a room he felt closing in on him. “Yes,” he whispered.

“Good. Because that’s about one percent of how much I despise you right now.”

“And Kathryn?” he asked, suddenly concerned for her wellbeing.

“I strongly suggest that you keep her name out of your mouth while you’re in my presence.” Luke kept his lips tightly shut and nodded. “You know the biggest reason I hate you, Luke? It’s not because you and a whole bunch of other people had sex with my wife. It’s not that you did all this right in front of me and lied about it. It’s not even because you fell in love with each other. No, it’s because you both took me for some sort of goddamned idiot.”

“We didn’t...”

“Yes you did, and I’ll tell you how.” He leaned back in his chair. “I knew all along.”

Luke was stunned into silence. The threat and fury drained out of Bill’s face, leaving only emptiness and regret. Behind all the anger and bravado, he was a broken man. Luke forced himself to stare at the shell and accept responsibility for his role in hollowing it. It was one of the worst feelings of his life, especially as he knew he deserved it.

“When I started working so much more, and especially when all the travel started, I knew exactly how much I was hurting her. Hurting our marriage. And even though it would’ve permanently damaged my name and my reputation, I was on the verge of walking away from my most difficult clients just so that neither of those things would keep happening. But then you came along, and I made the third biggest mistake of my life. In case you’re wondering, the first and second were taking on those clients in the first place, and not throwing your card in the garbage the moment she handed it to me.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t have to tell you that Kathryn always wanted certain things I couldn’t bring myself give her. I never thought she’d cheat on me to get them, but I was apparently mistaken about a great number of people’s honesty and integrity. But because I thought I could trust in the fundamental strength of our marriage, I made a terrible decision that I’ll regret forever. I decided to give you two the opportunity to have a little fling.”

“You what?”

“The fact that you’re surprised is exactly why this enrages me so much. Within moments of walking through my front door, you lied to me about the fact that you two already knew each other. Both of you did, though she at least had the courtesy to warn me that she’d play along, and that I should too. You don’t think I saw right through you when you pulled that shit? Do you think I got where I am today by ignoring signs and signals that blatant?”

Luke was stunned into silence for a while, but finally managed to whisper, “She was right.”

“I didn’t catch that.”

“She was right. Ka ... sorry, she said that she suspected you knew. Or at least that you’d figure it out. I didn’t believe her at the time, because I couldn’t imagine it, but she was right.”

“Well, would you look at that? It turns out there’s one more lie she didn’t confess to me after all. One more misguided attempt to spare my feelings. Unfortunately, you’re both long past deserving credit for the insight.” He sighed. “When you arrived, I hadn’t fully committed to anything, but then I saw the way you two looked at each other at dinner. I listened to the way you talked about your work and the way you talked about each other. After a few days, it was absolutely clear that she was just as interested in you as you were in her. And that’s when I made my fatal error. I didn’t say or do anything to stop it. In fact, I pretended I had no idea.”

“I don’t understand. I know I’m the very last person you want to hear ask this question, but why?”

“You’re right, you are the very last person. She was unhappy, and growing unhappier by the day. She was also angry, and growing angrier by the day. We were doing something we’d never done before: fighting without quite being able to get things back to normal once the fight was over. And I was desperate, trying to find a solution that wouldn’t require me to sacrifice everything I’d worked for. Another fatal mistake, and the one for which I’m most to blame. I didn’t choose work over her, but I sent her a far too obvious signal that it was a sacrifice I was temporarily willing to make.”

“I knew I could never tolerate being present for all the things she wanted. I tried, but in the end I just couldn’t. And so, I figured that maybe she could have some of them while I wasn’t around. I’d look the other way, she could temporarily salve her unhappiness by having a brief affair with someone who would never be a permanent presence in her life, and by the time you were gone, all my professional chaos would be settled and I’d be able to be a better husband again.”

“Of course, you had a front row seat for every single one of my miscalculations. I thought she’d hold out a lot longer than she did. I thought you would, too. I thought you’d both feel more guilty about it. I thought I’d be home more often, but the opposite turned out to be true. Even when it become obvious that you two had gotten out of control, I still didn’t suspect that love would be involved; that’s one hell of an acting job that you both managed to pull off. Near the end, when you were coming up with one pathetic excuse after another to extend your stay, I started firing warning shots across your bow. I was surprised that you didn’t appear to notice, but even then I didn’t reach the right conclusion.”

“I did notice. But you’re right; by then it was too late, and nothing short of forcible eviction would’ve changed the situation. When did you finally work it out?”

“I knew about the sex right from the start. About an hour after she stormed out of this very apartment and went back to the lake after that charity gala, I realized that I’d practically thrown her at you. That, it turns out, was my last chance to stop it before anything happened. And then, the very next day, she’s taking a completely unplanned trip to Oregon without giving me anything more than a quick call from the airport. She didn’t even stop by the office to say goodbye. Only an idiot couldn’t figure out what she was running from. The extent to which you two treated me like a blind fool makes me so goddamned furious.”

“So why didn’t you stop us then? Or at least say something? We hadn’t gone very far. It wasn’t too late.”

“Trying your hand at being a marriage counselor, you shitheel? I didn’t stop you because I was partly responsible for it happening in the first place. It was how I stupidly handcuffed myself; stopping you would have revealed my complicity. If I intervened with her, she’d know that I’d intended to allow it, which wasn’t something I wanted her to know because I was afraid she’d think it was an indefinite pass. If I intervened with you, I’d have to explain why I sent you away two weeks into an unfinished job, possibly with the same result. So I decided to let it run its course. Again, this was all predicated on my inability to even consider that she’d fall in love with you.”

“Then I’m really, truly sorry for what I’m about to say, but that’s something you should’ve known might happen. Not that she’d fall in love with me, necessarily, but that she was likely to feel love for someone with whom she was having ... I mean, you probably know even more about her past than I do, and...” Luke trailed off, nervously gnawing on a fingernail, terrified that he’d overstepped his bounds as he watched the fury return to Bill’s expression.

“You arrogant asshole. Don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t know about my own goddamned wife.” He looked like he was about to leap over the desk and assault his guest. But then, like a cord snapping, he slumped even lower in his chair. “Unfortunately, you’re right. I did know, but I was so distracted and conflicted that I forgot. I never should have forgotten.” It felt as if Bill was on the verge of tears, and for all his guilt and fear, Luke retained enough respect for a man he’d irreparably harmed to hope he’d avoid breaking down in front of someone who’d hurt him so badly.

He overcame it after a few minutes of struggle, but went on in an even more defeated tone than before. “The worst part is that I had one more mistake to make. Despite everything I knew, I thought it was over. You were gone, I was home, and we were still together. I kept a very close eye on on her after that, and I knew she hadn’t seen or been in contact with you since you left. She seemed happier with me than she’d been in a long time, and while I knew some of it was her trying to make it up to me, I also assumed it was because my wretched plan had somehow worked. Of course, now I know that it was all just another enormous sewer of lies. My travel never stopped, but I filed the insanity I’d allowed in our past, and decided to focus on our future. And then, one day, I got an offer. An escape from the immensely frustrating professional life I was leading to do something good for a change. Tremendous good. But there was a catch: I’d either have to travel even more, or we’d have to move.”

He dropped his head into his hands for a moment before sitting up straight. “I didn’t think it would be such a big deal. I should’ve just said no, but instead I kept coming back to the fact that I knew she felt isolated and lonely at the lake, and I thought she might jump at the chance to be somewhere else. I stewed over it for a week or so. And then, one night, I went home and told her all about it. She didn’t say much or ask any questions, which should’ve been my first warning. She just listened. When I was done, she made me a cocktail and changed the subject. I don’t remember the exact day this happened — and I should, because it was the day I definitively ended my marriage — but you do.”

Trying to suppress a surge of emotion at what he’d just revealed, he asked, “I do?”

“Two days later, she invented a nonexistent meeting and met you for coffee.”

“Oh.”

“When I came home that night, it was like she was a million miles away. I asked her what was wrong, and she said that the meeting hadn’t gone well. Except that every single time that sort of thing had happened in the past, we’d always talked about it afterwards. She couldn’t even bother to come up with a plausible cover story.”

“After that, the lies and deception started to accumulate. Not long after that, I knew that you two were back to your old tricks. I did everything I could do to stop traveling, even though it was doing massive damage to my reputation. But it didn’t matter. Given the smallest window of opportunity, she kept running back to you. At that point, I knew it was almost certainly too late, but eventually I gave her an ultimatum. Not about you — I still hadn’t told her I knew about you — but about the job offer. She coldly informed me that she needed some time alone to think about it. It was one of her most brazen lies, and I can’t believe she didn’t immediately realize that I knew it was a lie, but by then I was so used to her lying to me that maybe neither of us cared anymore.”

“How did you know it was a lie?”

“She virtually ignored me for the rest of the week, and then she spent the next four days at your apartment. I’m guessing you didn’t pass the time discussing my job prospects.”

There’s no need to inquire about the obvious, I guess. “Am I still being watched?”

“Yes. Don’t worry, there are no bugs or hidden cameras in your apartment, and there aren’t any filthy pictures or videos sitting in a private investigator’s safe. Knowing when people come and go, and having evidence of those movements, is more than enough to build all the case I need, and it’s not like you two were going out of your way to hide anything. Plus, seeing anything in more detail would make me throw up. It would also make it far more likely that you’ll leave here missing some fingers. But you should know that, even though I wish I didn’t, I have a very detailed knowledge of your sordid little life. Is that curvy black-haired tart the waitress?”

“She not a tart.”

“Maybe, maybe not, but she is a waitress at Caveau, and that’s where she met you and Kathryn during your twisted version of a night on the town. I told you, I know as close to everything as anyone ever could. She also had sexual relations with my wife on two separate occasions, and during the latter she knew Kathryn was married. Were I you, I’d rethink your attempt to defend her honor. And the other one sure sluts around, doesn’t she?”

Luke felt his own ire rising, but realized he had no legitimate defense; Liz hadn’t hesitated for a moment to jump into bed with Kathryn, either. Still, he had to try. “Be as angry as you want at me, but please don’t blame them or call them names. Almost everything they know about your wife is based on what I’ve told them. Nor did ‘the waitress’ know Ka ... your wife was married until long after their first time. And being open and free about sex doesn’t make someone a tart or a slut. You know, maybe if you’d tried to...”

“Go ahead, motherfucker. Go ahead and say it. Tell me that if I’d only let Kathryn sleep around or taken her to sex dungeons, I’d still be happily married. Test just how close I am to putting you in the hospital.”

“I just...”

“Your free-spirited girlfriend isn’t a slut because she has lots of sex with lots of people. She’s single, she can do whatever or whoever she wants. But she knew my wife was married and had sex with her anyway. All three of you did. So no, I don’t actually have to respect either of them. And especially not you.”

Luke just swallowed, for there was nothing he could say. Though he didn’t want to hear it or face it, and he still didn’t like hearing people he cared about insulted like this, Bill wasn’t wrong.

“And that leads to another thing that I can’t get over. The two of you knew, of course. Irina knew, your blonde friend knew and took my money anyway, that photographer and his woman knew, your waitress and your other girlfriend knew ... hell, even Sevinay knew ... and not one of you respected me enough to tell the truth. Plus, there are deliverymen out there who’ve had their eyes and hands all over my wife, yet still had the audacity to shake my hand and chat with me like a goddamned chump.” He’d worked himself back into a thunderous rage. “Can you understand how emasculating that is? How much it makes me want to do exactly the same thing to you, except a hundred times worse?”

The fear returned. Bill seemed like he might be on the verge of violence. His fists were tight, white-knuckled balls, and he was breathing heavily, staring daggers at Luke. His next words seemed calmer, but there was a lurking threat behind them that grew as he spoke.

“After her little vacation to ‘think about it’ by planting herself in your bed for a while, she came back to the house, sat me down, and broke my heart. She told me everything, in excruciating detail. And then she hit me with her own ultimatum. She said she’d be willing to stay married to me, to do her best to love me as much as ever, and even to move so I could take a job that wouldn’t do so much damage to our relationship, but that unless I could change and give her at least some of what she’d always wanted, she could never again promise fidelity.” He let that hang in the air for several tension-filled minutes until Luke couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

“And... ?”

“Even though she’s treated me and our marriage with such incredible disrespect and contempt, I’ll never stop loving her. But that’s something I couldn’t accept.”

Luke’s heart leapt.

“Didn’t I warn you not to get your hopes up?” He stood, reaching into a drawer and extracting a large manila envelope. “While I’ve gotten a certain satisfaction out of yelling at you, I knew it wouldn’t really fix anything. I’ve enjoyed your panicked expressions much, much more than the yelling, especially because they’re justifiable. And that’s why the one I’m about to plaster all over your sickening face is the one I’m going to enjoy most of all.”

He tossed the envelope onto the desk, far away enough from Luke that he realized it wasn’t meant for him, but rather as the prelude to a point. “This is the first step on the short road to our divorce. I guarantee that she will sign it, or I will make both of your lives a living hell until she does; hers because I want her out of mine, yours out of pure spite. Until it’s approved by a judge, which would normally take a while, but won’t because of my connections — not that I think she’ll fight me on anything — she can choose to live here or at the house, and we’ll figure out an equitable division of assets,. When it’s over, I’m retaining both properties. You will not, by the way, resume your sordid affair in any property we jointly own unless you want to suffer serious consequences. One more thing: I’m keeping all the wine, save for one very specific set of bottles that you know I don’t want. But you won’t get those either. They’ll be opened under the supervision of my lawyer and flushed down the toilet, one by one. Yes, it’s a giant middle finger to both of you, but especially you, and I’m just petty enough to raise it.”

“Despite a still-burning desire to do so, I’m not going to actively come after you in all the ways that I could, but I will make your life here increasingly uncomfortable. If you see me on the street, walk the other way. If you see me in a restaurant, or a bar, or any other business, leave. Even if you were there first. If you’ve taken a job working for one of my friends or professional acquaintances, cancel it before they do. You already know you’re going to have to move, whether or not you’re accompanied on that journey, so you might as well start planning and packing now.”

“Just in case you think I’m not serious about any of this vindictiveness, I want you to understand all the collateral damage you two have caused. I forced Kathryn to fire Irina, and there’s a clause in this petition that prevents her from setting foot on the lake house property anymore. It’s going to be rough on her finances until she can find another job, but she should’ve thought of that earlier. That also means no more guesthouse meetings with her new girlfriend, but considering that they both knew about you two, and one of them was sleeping with my wife, I really don’t give a shit about their relationship. I also fired Sevinay.”

“No...” Luke’s guts churned and his eyes ached. This is exactly the kind of conflagration that Wendy warned me about. Irina did too. How could all three of them not hate both of us after this?

“She took it pretty well, all things considered, but she also showed me a side of her that I’d never seen before. She thanked me for all my help and promised me that she understood why I had to let her go, but then she had the audacity to look me in the eyes and tell me that I bore an equal share of blame for everything that happened. I haven’t decided if she’s right or not, but that indecision is the only thing keeping me from making sure she’ll never be hired by any of my friends. Out of all of you deceitful motherfuckers, she’s getting off the easiest. That said: after Kathryn’s, hers was the betrayal that blindsided and hurt me the most.”

“What’s yet to be determined is just how much I’m going to hurt you. And so, this next part is where you will sit there and watch as I decide your future. I wish the irony was as delicious as it seemed on paper, but I’m really not capable of feeling anything but hatred for you. Still, I’m offering you a choice. That’s more than you ever offered me, and just part of why I’ll always be a better man than you. Are you ready?”

“I...”

“I don’t actually give a shit if you’re ready or not, I just wanted to watch you squirm a little longer. I need an answer from you, and you’ll start giving it to me immediately upon the cessation of my question or I’ll consider it unanswered. Here goes: if I allow you and Kathryn to be together — and don’t for a minute believe that your future together is assured even if I don’t interfere, because for reasons that should be obvious she absolutely does not hold you blameless for what will be the very public and extremely unpleasant dissolution of her marriage, nor for the pain you’ve managed to cause others, including one of your closest friends — what are your actual intentions? How and where will you live? What kind of future do you think the two of you can have?”

He sounds like an overprotective father trying to decide whether or not to let his daughter get married. As ridiculous as it is, this is something I have to get right, or he’ll do to me what he did to everyone else. I’m finally convinced he’s both capable and willing.

“My love for her has never wavered, and if she’ll have me, it’s my intention to spend the rest of my life with her. I don’t mean this as a comment on your marriage, but I’m committed to giving her everything she wants, and I believe that I can. As for the details, we’ll move somewhere else and build a life together. It won’t be easy, and we’ll both have to give up much of what we’ve known, but I’m prepared to make that sacrifice. I’m aware that my skills are more easily transferrable and that it will be harder on her, but I’m ready to support her in every way possible. Most importantly, I’ve no doubt that I can make her happy, because I already have.”

Bill scowled at the last part. “I notice you didn’t claim that you couldn’t be happy without her.”

“That didn’t seem like a wise thing to admit to you.”

“You’re goddamned right about that.” He returned the envelope to its drawer and collapsed into his chair. “You’re responsible for explaining this to your parents, because I see no reason to end my friendship with them, but do it soon or the version of the story they hear first will be mine. If I’m ever forced to see you and Kathryn together, I will hurt you. Not necessarily physically, but quite possibly permanently. If you somehow doubt that threat, don’t doubt this one: I can make it impossible for you to work again at any level above checkout clerk. Don’t test my resolve.”

He looked like he was only minutes away from a complete breakdown. “The only reason you’re getting away with your limbs and most of your reputation intact is the most unlikely one imaginable: I still love her, and despite everything you two have done to me, I won’t ever stop loving her. So that’s my final warning to you. You’re going to have to work for it, but I’m giving you a chance to make her happy. If you try and fail, and I find out about it, I’ll burn you alive and piss on the remains. Are we clear?”

“We’re clear.”

“Then get the fuck out of my life.”

Luke staggered into his apartment. The moment the door closed behind him, all the wrenching emotions of the past hour coalesced into a wretched nausea. He barely made it to the bathroom before voiding his guts.

A while later, having cleaned up as much of the mess as he could, he sat on the floor in a cloud of despair and wondered what he should do. Everyone’s going to be so angry at me. Wendy, Irina, innocent little Sasha, even poor Sevinay. I can’t deal with Liz right now, and at the moment I don’t even deserve Olivia’s help. I know I can’t get anywhere near alcohol without endangering my life, but I have to do something. He stared at his phone. Kathryn. I have to talk to Kathryn.

But when he picked it up to make the call, he saw that he’d received emails from several of the people whose names had been darting in and out of his thoughts. Emails from people who usually communicated via other means. Shuffling to the table, he opened his laptop and read them in the order he thought he’d find least debilitating.