Through My Eyes. Again
Copyright© 2019 by Iskander
Chapter 14
Mid-December 1963 – late February 1964
My mother did indeed want to speak with Mrs Wiśniewski about Col and I spending time with Lili in her house, possibly alone and unsupervised. The unspoken undercurrent was whether it was appropriate for two boys to be alone in a house with a girl. I suppressed a smile: my mother didn’t know Col was a girl with whom I spent hours each week – alone.
“Can you cope with adding another language on top of everything else you are doing?” My mother asked.
“I’m not going to let it interfere with my studies. It will be what Col and I did when we swapped languages.” I thought back to how we’d worked together. “In fact, because we had to explain things more than once in both languages, it helped our understanding.”
“Well, we’ll see. I still have to sort things out with Mrs Wiśniewski.”
“OK.” I passed my mother a smile, while my eyes were filled with questions. “May I take some mince pies to Col’s house on Christmas Eve? Lili will be there too, so I think we might need a dozen this time...”
My mother laughed. “I’ll see what I can do.”
I picked up yesterday’s newspaper and sat at the kitchen table, leafing through it. The attempted assassination of JFK didn’t seem to have stirred things up – at least not on the surface, and there were no indications of increased tensions between the east and west. In fact, the opening of the Berlin Wall for the first time, allowing westerners to visit the east, suggested tensions might be easing. International politics was strange.
An item well back in the newspaper discussed the recently started trial of twenty-one Auschwitz guards in Frankfurt. It seemed the prosecutor was unhappy with the charges brought against the defendants. Under German law, even for the guard responsible for operating the gas chambers, only charges of accomplice to murder could be brought as he was ’following orders’. I wondered what Mutti Frida thought of this. I knew she had stopped hating them but had never forgiven those responsible for what had happened to her and her parents. I wondered if there had been any pressure brought to bear on West Germany to conduct these trials.
I pondered this as I lay in bed, before drifting off to sleep.
*
Col and I walked into town the next day and visited the art supplies shop which was off the High Street. They knew Lili well and pointed out the sketchbook she liked, so we picked one up. Col asked about the special crayons Lili had been talking about and we were shown the huge colour-sorted array, picking out a dozen with the help of the shop owner.
“We could wrap each crayon separately, you know,” Col said, smiling with a wicked glint in her eye. “It would look impressive.”
“But take lots of paper,” I countered.
“True.” Col gave me a sideways smile, with a tinge of devilry. “But it would be fun to see her realise what we’d done.” Smiling, I shook my head, as we wandered along the High Street, browsing the shop windows.
“Will your father be there for Christmas?” Col asked.
He had been increasingly absent during the year, staying in London almost every week and some weekends. Memories of last year conjured spectres my young brain quailed before. “I suppose so.” Even I knew my voice sounded dead.
Col sensed my sudden tension. “I’m sorry, Willi, I didn’t mean to worry you. I was thinking of the Christmases we had when I was little, before Mutti learned of my father’s past. It all seemed so magical: Mutti, father and I singing carols round the Christmas tree with the glow of the candles flickering about us.”
We walked on in silence.
“I don’t think either of us will have a family Christmas again.” Col’s voice was also flat now.
I glanced at her, seeing my pain echoed in her eyes, but something occurred to me. “No, I think you’re wrong there.”
“What?”
“Think about it.” I smiled at her. “We will each have our own families one day.”
“Or our own family.” And she gave me a coquettish smile.
I raised an eyebrow. “Is Mutti Frida ready to be a grandmother, then?”
Col blushed, stuck her tongue out and we both laughed, lifting our mood.
Back at Col’s house we wrapped up Lili’s present, with the crayons in one parcel and the sketchbook in another and added them to the pile under the tree. I had my presents for Col and Mutti Frida in my bag and added them. I was secretly pleased with finding a collapsing umbrella Mutti Frida could put in her bag. It was expensive but worth it for her.
At home, my school report had arrived. My mother had left it on the kitchen table, unopened.
I stared at her, confused.
Why hadn’t she read it?
“I left it for you to open, Will,” My mother pointed at the envelope, as if reading my thoughts.
I sat at the table, turning the envelope with its school crest over in my hands.
My mother sat down opposite me. “You’re not worried about what it says, are you Will?”
I glanced at her. “No.” I knew my voice sounded unconvincing. The emotional storm of the previous Christmas hung between us.
I slid a finger under the flap and folded open the report. I read through it in silence.
“Well?”
I slid the report across the table and my mother picked it up. After a minute or so, she folded it and smiled at me. “Excellent, Will. All your teachers speak highly of you.” She picked up the report again, re-reading some of the entries. Then she peered up at me. “You’ve come such a long way, Will. It’s almost unbelievable, seeing it laid out here in your report.”
I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, embarrassed. My old brain found the schoolwork easy, but I couldn’t tell my mother. I changed the subject, “Col and Lili may be going to school in Canterbury next term.”
My mother raised an eyebrow. “How so?”
“Their school has recommended they transfer to the grammar school there.”
“Well done them.” My mother stood up, smiling. “I can’t sit here chatting. There are mince pies and everything else to make.” I spent a cosy hour with my mother, helping make the stuffing and forcemeat balls for the goose.
Both Col and Lili received confirmation of their transfer to the Grammar School in Canterbury before Christmas. When Col got her letter, I had assumed we would travel together on the number seven bus I had been taking, but with Lili going as well, it wouldn’t work so well. It was easiest for her to take a number six. We talked about this the next time we met, with Lili pointing out that we would all be travelling back together if we were going to work our language program at her house. But my mother and Mrs Wiśniewski hadn’t spoken.
“I’ll chase my mother up about this tonight when I get home and let you know tomorrow.”
Col smiled. “Okay, I hope she lets us do it. It will be fun working together.”
Lili gave Col a tentative smile.
“Come on, Lili. It will be fun – don’t worry. We’ll work on our homework together in German and Polish.” Col glanced over at me. “Do you think we should do the alternate day thing again?”
I nodded. “Great idea.”
Lil seemed a bit lost, her eyes widening. “What do you mean?”
“When Willi and I started swapping languages at my house, Mutti made us speak English or German on alternate days.”
Col stared at Lili, smiling. “It will be a bit easier as we share English. With Willi, we fumbled around trying to explain things when we had almost no language in common.” She stopped, delight brightening her face. “Oh, I can’t wait to see your uncle Brian’s face when I turn up at the garage and ask, in Polish, for a drive in an E-type.”
Lili chuckled.
As I was leaving, Col told me she was busy in the morning. “Mutti and I have to go into the school to sign some papers and pick up an information pack.”
“I’ve already got mine,” Lili interjected.
I gathered Col in my arms. “My mother wants me to help her with some stuff anyway. I’ll see you later?”
“Yes, of course. Why don’t you come over about three o’clock?”
We shared a kiss, interrupted by a cough from Lili.
“Sorry, Lili.”
We broke apart and Lili seemed embarrassed. “No, I’m sorry. I was joking.”
Was Lili feeling left out?
I gave Col a peck on the cheek and turned to the door, but Lili grabbed my shoulder and spun me round.
Her eyes apologised. “No, share a proper kiss.”
Col and I kissed and then Lili and I both left, heading home along Seaview Avenue in opposite directions.
In the morning, I helped my mother with cleaning around the house, hoovering through the downstairs and then polishing the parquet floor in the hall. As I worked, I could smell baking aromas wafting in from the kitchen. When I finished and put the hoover and polisher back in the cupboard under the stairs, I wandered into the kitchen. Racks of mince pies were cooling, and my mother was finishing off two trays of sausage rolls, brushing them with milk, ready to slide them into the oven.
I leant over the mince pies, savouring their rich, fruity aroma. “Mm.”
“Don’t you touch them, Will,” my mother scolded. “They’re for Christmas.”
I was already imagining their rich taste on my tongue as I glanced questioningly at her.
My mother smiled. “Yes, there’s a dozen for you to take tomorrow.”
“Thank you.” I gave my mother a smile and then pottered around helping her and my sister with the preparations for Christmas day, peeling potatoes to sit in salted water so they did not brown, preparing a pile of Brussel sprouts and breaking up bread for the bread sauce. When we were finished, I went to spend the afternoon with Col.
Christmas Eve dawned cloudy, cold and wet – a typical English winter’s day. After breakfast, I was set to polishing the dining room table and sideboard, ready for Christmas dinner. I was to be at Col’s house at four o’clock and the day dragged. I dressed and had to wait around trying to read before heading to Col’s house as dusk settled the clouds lower over the bare-armed trees.
Mutti Frida answered the door. “The girls are in the loungeroom, waiting for you.” She smiled and cocked an eyebrow.
Hmm...
I took off my coat and gloves and opened the door. The Christmas tree lights gave the room a soft glow, but two beautiful girls standing beside the tree stopped me in the doorway. Lili’s golden hair caught the lights as it cascaded over her shoulders, setting off her pink floral chiffon dress. Beside her was a dark-haired beauty with shining eyes in a dark blue dress, her hair unfashionably short but tastefully arranged to accent her face.
“Oh, wow. You are both so pretty.” But my eyes were on Col.
They both smiled and then Lili nudged Col towards me, and we embraced.
“You’re beautiful, Col,” I whispered, and Col leant up and we kissed.
I held her at arms’ length. “I love your dress. Where did you get it?”
Lili came over and fiddled with the material on Col’s shoulder, readjusting its already perfect fit. “Well, we couldn’t take Col out and buy her a new dress,” Lili smiled at me. “It’s a dress that no longer fits me – I barely wore it before a growth spurt made me too tall. We – well, Frau Schmidt – altered it for Col. What do you think?”
“It’s beautiful.” I gazed at Col again, unable to focus on anything else. “You are beautiful.” I leant in and planted another gentle kiss on Col’s lips, and she snuggled up to my side. Col usually wore baggy clothes to help disguise her shape. This dress showed off her figure and gentle curves, visible for the first time.
I cast Lili a look filled with gratitude. “Lili, thank you for helping Col with this.” I noticed Mutti Frida standing in the doorway, smiling at us. I caught her eye and smiled back. “You have a beautiful daughter, Mutti Frida.”
“Ah, yes. But she’s not my little girl anymore,” she sighed, wistfully, her love shining through. Then she clapped her hands. “Come along, dinner is ready.”
The traditional meal I had first enjoyed a year before was repeated, but the Dresdner Stollen was accompanied by my mother’s mince pies, served warm with clotted cream. After the meal, we exchanged presents. Lili was delighted with the sketchbook and crayons. The lady in the art supplies shop remembered exactly which crayons Lili had purchased and had told us to buy the ones to complement those.
When it came to my present to Col, her face lit up when she opened the box. “Oh, Willi. It’s beautiful.”
I smiled and she lifted it so Lili and her mother could see it.
“Go on, Willi. Fasten it around her neck,” Mutti Frida smiled.
Col’s short hair made it easy. As I fastened it, a shiver of delight passed through Col. When I stepped back, Lili was watching, a smile on her face but her eyes hinted at sadness. A week ago, she had hoped Col, as a boy, would have these feelings for her. On an impulse, I pulled Col to her feet and beckoned Lili to join us. As she approached, I took her hand and placed it on Col’s far shoulder and then gathered both girls into a three-way hug. For a moment, Lili resisted, but then she reached round, pulling us closer together. We held the hug and then almost telepathically moved apart until we stood, holding hands – three vertices of a triangle secured by friendship.
As we separated, Mutti Frida was watching, a sad smile on her face. I couldn’t tell her I knew her juxtaposed joy and sadness. I had watched my son and daughter grow into their teens, become adults and all too soon make their own paths in life. I went over to where she was sitting and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek.
“Thank you, Mutti Frida.”
*
Christmas day at my house passed in subtle tensions but last year’s sharp edges and gouging points were blunted – or perhaps buried – beneath our father’s growing disinterest. It had none of the love and joy of the previous night. I tried to help my mother, but I found my sister glaring at me – she must have felt I was trying to usurp her position. As soon as I could, I retreated to my bedroom with my mother’s Christmas present – a beautiful, boxed set of The Lord of the Rings.
After another discussion with Mrs Wiśniewski, my mother agreed Lili, Col and I could gather at Lili’s house after school to start our Polish language program. Mutti Frida would meet us there when she finished work at the shop so Col and I could walk home with her. After consulting the bus timetables, Lili found the number seven bus left from the Herne Bay bus station not far from her house, so she could catch it; Col and I would join her.
As the holidays ended, Mutti Frida decided Col must continue as a boy in public, as there were too many problems with becoming a girl again. Col wasn’t happy about this, but at least she had Lili as a friend at school who knew she was a girl. They were in all the same classes, so they would be able to support one against any bullying. Lili had no discernible foreign accent and Col’s German accent was almost imperceptible – but their names were still foreign.
On the first day of school, Col arrived at my front gate and we walked to the bus stop together. As the bus pulled up, Lili waved at us. After showing our season tickets to the bus driver, we walked down to join her. The single-decker bus was four seats across, with two on each side of the aisle. The widest seat was at the back – occupied by some teens, so Col joined Lili and I sat across the aisle, which made conversation difficult.
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