Through My Eyes. Again
Copyright© 2019 by Iskander
Chapter 13
Early to mid-December 1963
December accelerated towards Christmas and school was finished for the year. Col brought her school report home and gave it to Mutti Frida. When her mother opened it, it also held another typed sheet.
After reading the report and smiling at Col, she unfolded the letter. “You are doing so well they want you to move to the grammar school in Canterbury.”
Col gasped in surprise.
I smiled. “Well done, Col.” I knew she was a bright and excellent student.
Col gave me a worried glance, then turned to her mother. “Can we afford it, Mutti?”
Mutti Frida searched through the letter again. “It doesn’t say what the fees are.”
I leaned across the table. “I think it’s free – apart from books and uniform, which you pay for at the secondary modern school here.”
Mutti Frida glanced over at me.
“I expect they want to speak to you.” I suggested.
Mutti Frida read the letter again. “Yes. They want me to phone on Monday.”
“Col, we could travel to Canterbury on the same bus.” I said, excitedly.
Col smiled.
Then another exciting idea occurred to me. “Mutti Frida, perhaps Col could become a girl at her new school?”
Two heads snapped round, Col’s eyes flaring with hope and Mutti Frida’s with fear. Neither said a word.
“It’s worth thinking about as a possibility, isn’t it?” I stared between Col and her mother.
Mutti Frida found her voice. “No, it is too dangerous.”
“But Mutti...” Col’s voice ached with hope.
“No, Col. It’s too dangerous.”
Col opened her mouth, as if to say something.
Mutti Frida’s voice brooked no discussion. “Enough.”
A frown creased her forehead.
The glance Col and I shared was forlorn. The conversation at tea was subdued. I chided myself for spouting the idea without first talking it over with Col. Together, we might have come up with a way to lead Mutti Frida to support Col in becoming a girl again.
With school was over, I had time for Christmas shopping and this year I had my Premium Bond winnings to fall back on. I ended up using a small amount to buy Col a delicate gold chain necklace and Mutti Frida a new folding, umbrella as hers was falling apart.
Lili’s party would run late, so I was to sleep at Col’s house. We wore coats, hats and gloves over our smart clothes and walked through the chilled, blustery darkness down to Lili’s house. A storm was developing.
The party started out as great fun. Lili’s brother was in bed and so Lili, Col and I spent time together drinking lemonade and snacking from the delicious mix of English and Polish food in the buffet. Neither Col nor I knew anything about Polish food and so Lili educated us.
“These sausages are called kabanos – they’ve got a smoky flavour and go well with oscypek – a smoked cheese.” She pointed to a plate of sliced cheese.
Col smiled at the selection of sausages. “It’s almost German,” she said, selecting one.
“What are those?” I asked pointing at rings of bread.
“They’re bagels, sort of like bread rolls – and you have to try some of my aunt’s pierogi.” She pointed at a plate of small pasties.
Col eyed them a bit suspiciously “What’s in them, Lili?”
“These ones are savoury minced pork and those ones down there,” Lili pointed to the far end of the table where there were recognisable mince pies and even a trifle. “Are cherry ones.”
Lili continued loading our plates before we retreated to our corner to eat, plates perched awkwardly on our knees. The eating stifled the conversation until Mrs Wiśniewski and Mutti Frida came over to where we were sitting.
Mrs Wiśniewski checked out our plates and smiled at Lili. “I see my daughter’s been educating you about the food of our country.”
I swallowed my mouthful of pirogi. “Yes, thank you, it’s all delicious.”
“Excellent.” She turned to Mutti Frida. “Come with me Frida, I’d like you to meet one of my friends who has connections to the fashion world in Paris.”
Mutti Frida smiled and allowed herself to be led away.
Once we finished eating, Lili gathered up our plates, depositing them on the buffet table. “Come with me, there’s someone I want Willi to meet.” She pulled Col and me through the crowd until we stood close to a group of people in the far corner of the lounge room.
“Wujek Brajan?”
A large bear of a man turned round when Lili spoke to him. He had a scar across his face: it was the car salesman.
Lili addressed him in Polish. “This is my friend Willi who wants to be a fighter pilot.”
“Thank you, Lili. Please speak English.” He turned towards us. “Please call me Uncle Brian – which is what Liliana called me, in Polish.” He examined us closely. “Ah.” A smile of recognition lit up his face. “One likes fast cars and one prefers fast planes. Eh?” His smile was distorted by the scar that crept to the corner of his mouth.
I nodded, embarrassed Lili was pushing the fighter pilot thing when she had told us her relative wanted to put it behind him. Given the scar on his face, I could understand why.
Uncle Brian smiled at Col. “Perhaps I can arrange for a ride in an E-type sometime?”
Col’s eyes widened with excitement and she nodded. “Yes, please.”
His voice darkened. “Being a fighter pilot is not so glorious as you might think. Perhaps one day you and I will sit down and talk.” His face was sombre. “But not today.” His voice lightened and he smiled, lifting Lili by the waist and twirling her round. “Today is for smiling and dancing with pretty girls, enjoying friendship and wódka.” He placed Lili daintily back on her feet, her face flushed. “Off you go, enjoy yourselves. I need to refill my glass.”
As he turned away, his smile evaporated and his shoulders tensed. I had the feeling he was escaping from us because we had stirred up memories he wished to stay buried.
We went back to our corner and replenished our glasses with lemonade. Mutti Frida emerged smiling and flushed from the throng. “Are you enjoying yourselves?”
We nodded and she slipped back into the crowd.
Lili smiled. “Your mother is speaking Polish to my family and friends to their delight.” Her smile broadened. “Perhaps also she is enjoying the vodka.”
I excused myself and headed off to the toilet. When I came out into the shadowy corridor, Lili and Col were standing in the hallway, beneath a bunch of mistletoe. It is an English tradition that you may kiss anyone under a bunch of mistletoe at Christmas. It seemed that Lili’s family had adopted this decoration and knew of its significance.
Lili drew Col towards her, to have Col gently push her away. I appeared from the shadows. When Lili saw me, she turned and disappeared back into the party, flustered and hurt by Col’s rejection.
“What was that about?” Col frowned in confusion. I pulled Col across to sit on the window seat in the half-lit hallway and explained about mistletoe.
Col’s concern showed in her eyes. “Lili decided to push along the relationship with me as a boy?”
I nodded and sighed – life was complicated. “We need to find a way to let her know you are still friends.”
Col was distraught. “I want Lili as a friend, but I don’t know what to do now.” Her voice acquired an edge. “I told Mutti about this, but she wouldn’t listen.” Col dissolved into tears and without thinking I drew her into a hug, holding her while her tears soaked my neck. After a minute or so, Col’s tears faded. “What are we going to do, Willi?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know, Col, but we’ll need to talk to her.” I leaned in and gave her a gentle kiss, trying to lend her some emotional strength.
“Oh, no.”
The voice startled us, and I glanced up. Lili was standing in the hallway, her mouth gaping in shock.
“Now I know why you pushed me away, Col.” A shudder passed through her. “I knew the two of you were close, but I didn’t realise how close or in what way.” She disappeared into the party.
Col and I sat there, minds in turmoil, silenced by the enormity of the problem we had created.
“Plugh...” Col started talking, cleared her throat and started again. “Please Willi, find Mutti and ask her to come out here. We need her help.”
Asking Mutti Frida seemed sensible as I had no idea what to do. I re-entered the party throng to find her. I caught sight of Lili, who scowled and turned away. Mutti Frida was talking with some of Lili’s parents’ Polish friends. I was able to catch her eye and told her, in German, Col needed her.
Mutti Frida’s eyes widened, and she excused herself, grabbing my hand. “Where is Col? What’s wrong?”
I didn’t answer but guided her out into the dim hallway.
She saw Col and rushed to her side. “What’s wrong, Col?”
Col’s eyes pleaded with me and I grasped her hand. “Lili tried to kiss Col under the mistletoe and she pushed her away, which upset Lili. Col told you Lili had a crush on her ... er ... him.”
Col’s hand squeezed mine, urging me continue.
Mutti Frida must have sensed our silent communication. “And?”
“Col was upset and crying, so I gave her a hug and then ... well, Lili saw us kissing.” It came out in a guilty and embarrassed rush.
Mutti Frida closed her eyes for a moment. “I don’t think we can talk to Lili now. Stay here for a minute or two. I’ll come and find you so we can thank our hosts for their hospitality before we leave.” She stood up, caressing Col’s cheek and squeezing my shoulder. “We can find a way out of this, but it won’t be today.”
After Mutti Frida disappeared back into the party, Col and I sat in dejected silence. My old brain was insisting homosexuality wasn’t a big deal but this clashed with my memories of the 60’s: a time with stark attitudes. We – and our families – could get into all sorts of trouble if it were suggested Col and I were homosexual. After a minute or so, Mutti Frida appeared in the doorway, with Mrs Wiśniewski beside her. “I told Mrs Wiśniewski you were feeling unwell, Col.”
“Col’s a bit flushed. I hope he’s feeling better in the morning.”
Mutti Frida nodded. “Thank you, I’m sure he’ll be fine.” She glanced at us both, pointedly. “I said your goodbyes and thanks to Lili, so we can leave straight away.”
“Would you like me to drive you home?” Mrs Wiśniewski offered.
“Thank you, Daria. The walk and some fresh sea air will help Col. Come along children. Put on your coats, hats and gloves.”
Mutti Frida bustled us outside. Col started to say something as the door closed but Mutti Frida hushed her with a squeeze of the hand, so we walked in silence through the cold, windy streets.
Mutti Frida’s sigh of frustration was whisked away in the blustery air. “I found Lili.”
I heard her disappointment with us.
“I told her what she thought she saw was not real.” Mutti Frida drew us along for a dozen silent steps, allowing it to sink in. “She likes you both a great deal and is prepared to come tomorrow and listen to what we have to say. Until then, she told me she won’t talk about this to anyone.” She walked on before glancing at us. “We need to decide what it is we will tell her.”
When we arrived back at Col’s house, Mutti Frida warmed some milk and made us all a hot chocolate.
“We have to tell her I’m a girl.” Col’s voice pleaded with Mutti Frida.
“Col, we can’t.” Mutti Frida closed her eyes for a moment. “What if she tells someone? Remember what MI6 told me: your father is searching for us and there are Eastern Bloc agents here in England.” She jerked to a stop. “An emigré Polish community would be a good place to hide such an agent.”
Col was aghast. “Lili’s family hate the Russians.”
Mutti Frida nodded. “I know, Col. But what about their friends?”
Col stared at her mother and then collapsed back into her chair. “But we have to tell Lili. What she thinks is terrible.”
I turned to Mutti Frida. “You’ve half told Lili already.”
Mutti Frida frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you said you told her what she thought she saw wasn’t real. What is she going to think now?”
Mutti Frida’s face paled in realisation.
I took her hand from where it was resting beside her mug. “Lili’s an intelligent girl and she’ll be pondering what you said.”
Col leaned into the conversation.
“I doubt she’ll guess Col’s a girl, but she might.” I gave Mutti Frida’s hand a gentle squeeze of encouragement. “But I’m certain she will expect an explanation in the morning.”
Mutti Frida closed her eyes and shook her head. “But it’s too dangerous to tell her the truth.”
“I don’t think it is.” Col picked up Mutti Frida’s hand. “We’ve already told you Lili and her family hate the Russians and all the puppet Eastern Bloc governments. If we told her the truth I think – no, I’m certain – she would understand the need for absolute secrecy.”
I gave Mutti Frida’s hand another encouraging squeeze. “Lili and her family hate the Russians. She would not betray you.”
Mutti Frida nodded in silent agreement: she had been speaking to Lili’s family and Polish friends. Perhaps she picked up on this.
“But she’s so young.” Fear and tension tightened Mutti Frida’s voice.
I put a light pressure on her hand until she turned towards me. “But so am I – and so is Col.”
Mutti Frida pulled her hands from us and picked up her mug. Taking a sip, her eyes moved between us and then shook her head. “Yes, you are both young and you have kept our secret – until today when you may have exposed us.”
I gave Col a chagrined frown. She frowned back and turned to Mutti Frida. “Yes – and we’ve learned a lesson. We’ll be careful in future.” Her eyes flicked across me in irritation. “But what Willi said is true. Lili will not rest until she gets to the truth behind your words.”
Mutti Frida sighed. “I shouldn’t have said what I did but had to say something to stop Lili from explaining to her parents why she was upset.” She picked up her mug and took another sip of chocolate. “What this needs,” she said, “is some Schnapps.” She rose and went to the dresser, retrieving a bottle from one of its cupboards. Returning to the table, she lifted the bottle to gauge its content and then poured a generous tot into her chocolate. She recorked the bottle, swirled the mug and took a sip, letting out a sigh of contentment. “Better.”
Col leaned forward and sniffed Mutti Frida’s mug. “Oof. It’s quite strong.”
Mutti Frida chuckled. “Perhaps, but what’s the English idiom?” She stopped, thinking. “Ah yes. It warms the cockles of my heart.”
Col’s face showed her frustration at this language without logic. “We dug up cockles on the beach and pickled them in vinegar. How can a heart have cockles – shellfish?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. English is a strange language.”
Col gave me a friendly frown and then turned to Mutti Frida. “Anyway, back to Lili. When she comes tomorrow, we must swear her to secrecy and then tell her I’m a girl.”
Mutti Frida shook her head.
I took Mutti Frida’s hand. “I think we have to. I can’t see what else we can do without it making things worse. It won’t matter to me if Lili thinks Col and I are homosexual; I don’t mix with the local kids apart from Col and Lili.” I stared at Mutti Frida. “But think about how it would affect Col if Lili told her friends at school what she saw tonight. The bullying would start up again.”
Mutti Frida’s eyes bored into me.
“I don’t think you want that happening to Col.”
Seconds of silence followed. Mutti Frida almost muttered. “Would it be better or worse than being thrown into gaol in east Germany?”
I peered over at Col, hoping for some inspiration. “I don’t know. But I know if you stay here and don’t explain things to Lili, life will be awful for Col. And what about the future? Are you going to make her hide herself forever?” I realised I was pushing Mutti Frida hard, perhaps too hard and tried to soften my words with a smile.
Mutti Frida was silent again before standing up. “Well, I need to sleep on this and so do both of you. Come on, we need to make the sofa into a bed for Willi.”
Col and I shared our frustration in a shrug and a sigh. Then we went through the familiar ritual of setting up my bed on the lounge room sofa. Later, I lay huddled under the blankets in the dark. I was certain we could trust Lili as she would understand Col’s situation.
As I drifted into sleep, I half decided to tell Lili myself if Mutti Frida wouldn’t. It would make life difficult between Mutti Frida and me, it seemed the best option for Col.
I woke, stomach churning, as rain lashed against the house: the storm had arrived. My old brain must have been gnawing away at the problem during the night and now my young brain was reacting to the stress.
Could I go against Mutti Frida on this?
It had seemed so possible last night, but in the cold light of day, I was far less certain.
Mutti Frida stirred and I helped with breakfast. We were all feeling tense and sat in silence around the breakfast table. After a while, Mutti Frida put down her coffee cup. “You are prepared to trust Lili with our safety?”
Col swallowed and glanced across the table to me. I nodded my support. Col cleared her throat. “Yes.”
“What do you think, Willi?”
“I don’t think we have any option.”
“Hmph. It’s not ‘we’ in this situation, Willi. It’s Col and I who are at risk.” Mutti Frida’s voice was sharp, her tension creating an edge. I stared down at my half-eaten toast, shamefaced after including myself in their danger.
Col pounced on her mother. “Mutti, you’re not being fair,” she said, her voice showing the hurt she felt on my account. “You know Willi would do anything for us.”
Mutti Frida’s eyes held Col’s until Mutti Frida let out an explosive breath. “Thank you, Col.” She smiled, wryly. “I’m sorry, Willi.”
The phone rang and Mutti Frida answered it. The conversation was short and one-sided. Mutti Frida put down the phone. “Lili will be here in an hour. Her mother is dropping her off because of the storm.”
We sat, silent, at the table, our faces filled with indecision, fear – but also, at least for Col and me a touch of hope.
After about a minute, Mutti Frida stood, clapping her hands. “Don’t sit there, we have the breakfast things to clean up and your bed to unmake, Willi.” She opened the pantry door. “Oh, and I’d like you to pop up to the corner shop and buy one of those nice fruit cakes, so we have something to offer Lili. Eating together helps strengthen bonds of friendship.”
We got busy cleaning up the house and then Col and I donned hats and coats and grabbed a shopping bag. We would share Mutti Frida’s umbrella to walk up to Mr Searle’s corner shop. Col turned to me, wrestling with the umbrella in the wind.
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