Chapter 40

“What the heck are they doing?”

That was Melissa, seated next to me in a red sundress with white birds wearing the yellow earrings. She had my left hand held in both of hers in the backseat of Syliva’s SUV. We were watching some kind of ritual go down in the parking lot of the strip mall we were parked in. A black man and woman stood with a younger man, perhaps their son. They were all dressed very nicely. We had rolled down the windows to listen and could hear some kind of intonations from the father who had a white sash over his shoulders.

“I have no idea,” I said. It looked like a religious ceremony but why? Does someone suddenly say, let’s have this ritual in the Target parking lot? Are there parking lot cults? “Is it the pain meds or is this really surreal?”

Melissa replied, “It’s not the meds.”

“Good to know.”

We each watched, hoping to get some inkling of what was happening. We were waiting because I was freshly released from my week in the hospital. I now had rivets on my rotator cuff and had my arm completely bound. On the plus side after six days of hospital food I was being taken to a Korean BBQ and I was going to bloat myself on tender bulgogi marinated meats. I might eat a vegetable but only if I had room left. Or at least I would as soon as Peter, Sylvia and Lavi got back. Peter’s mother had texted asking if we could pick up some reading glasses for her and they had gone into the store together. Ariadne, Saul, Linda and Ryan were already at the BBQ place.

Melissa, “How are you feeling?”

“Like my doctor believes in better living through pharmaceuticals.” It was true. I was experiencing the world through a slight haze.

“Well, we’re administering the meds this time Mr. I Don’t Pay Attention to Pills.”

I didn’t have anything to say to that so I just kept watching the ritual. I debated going up to them and asking but not sure I should even when not stoned. I really did want to know though. I saw Melissa going back and forth between watching them and watching me.

It felt great to know I would be going home with the girls once dinner was over. Over the week I saw Lavi and Melissa but they were busy. Melissa had stayed one night, the one after the actual surgery. Saul and Adrienne visited and Saul gave me a book about the founding of the Israeli state including detailed analysis of the economy during the formative years and challenges of building public services. It had helped me go to sleep when the pain meds weren’t quite doing the trick. I realized I had faded into the haze when the car doors opened and the Hellers got in.

“Are we ready?” Peter asked.

“Let’s rock and roll!” I replied.

Melissa, “Ug. Yeah, Robert is ready to be a dad.”

“What?”

She looked at me. “Rock and roll? Such, a dad thing to say.”

Peter, “Not fair, Mellie.”

“Let’s do a scientific test,” said Lavi. She looked good in jeans and a low cut blouse. “Why are mountains funny?”

“Why?” Asked Melissa.

“They are hill areas.” The three women groaned, even Lavi, which was slightly unfair I thought since she was the one who said it. Peter and I laughed though.

Sylvia pointed at me. “Busted. Dad’s humor.”

“We’re just fresh meat for the harpies,” Peter said as he turned on the ignition and pulled out of the parking space.

“Harpies?!” Sylvia was looking at her husband.

Melissa and Lavi looked at me. “My beloved are nymphs and kittens thank you.” They were pleased. “Though at least one group of nymphs tore men apart in the myths.” Both thumped my legs. The drive was mercifully short. Time driving was time not putting delicious bulgogi into my body. I needed to remind my tastebuds what real food tasted like.

At the restaurant I went in with Lavi and Melissa flanking me. I noticed that Melissa was always on my right and making sure nothing bumped into me. The place was all faux stone, chrome and dark with loud Kpop music. Giant screens played videos that went with the music. If it hadn’t had the best Korean BBQ in town I would have never come into this place.

We were settled into seating that wrapped around a table with a propane cooking unit in the center of it. I nodded to Adriane, Saul, Linda and Ryan. Greetings happened all around. Everyone was in good spirits and apparently Linda actually knew how to be charming when she wanted to. Some idle chatter occurred but the most important person took forever to arrive. His name was John, looked Korean and spoke like he was from the deep South.

John was explaining the options. I decided too much time was being wasted so I interrupted him. “John, we’re ordering the ‘all you can eat’, bring us a full selection of everything. I can’t drink but everything is on me. All I ask is a continuous supply of marinated meat at hand so that I can eventually be rolled out of here like a beach ball. You get dragged down by tables just do a drive by and see if we need more. We don’t need chatter. We can handle the meat and grill.”

John looked at me and with a southern accent said with great solemnity. “I got you bro.”

“And I got you.” We nodded, he took drink orders and left.

Melissa looked at me. “Did you just dude bro bond with the waiter?”

I did my one arm shrug. “He’s seen shit, I’ve seen shit. You gotta take care of each other.”

“He’s seen shit?” That, surprisingly, was Linda.

“Waiting. Being a waiter is rough. I let him know what I wanted. Now he takes care of me, I take care of him.”

“When have you seen shit?” Linda was looking at me.

“I worked as a fry cook and waiter in undergrad. A local diner.”

She nodded. “I did the same but it was a big chain.”

Melissa looked at her mom. “I didn’t know that.”

“When you and your brother were babies money was tight a lot. I took a late night shift and your dad would watch you.” Linda looked back at me. “So, what is your tip minimum?”

“I usually try for 25% but crappy service is crappy service.”

Linda, “But never stiff the server because of the kitchen.”

“Agreed.”

Lavi and Melissa stared at us. Melissa, “Did you two just have a moment?”

Linda looked in her lap. “No.” But smiled. Even Adriane and Saul laughed.

“Well.” Adriane asked, “how are you Robert?”

“Mending.” On the giant screens some Kpop videos had a song using the.chorus of an older En Vogue song though the rest of the song was in Korean.

“Well, I heard you were very manly,” she said.

“I was very stupid.”

She smiled and looked a bit like Lavi when she did. “Which is very much like a man.” All the women and Rian laughed while Peter, Saul and I maintained dignified silence. Peter and I both glanced at Rian though. He reminded me of that guy who always tried to fit in a little too hard.

“How have you been enjoying your vacation?” I asked.

Saul, “It’s been good. My sister flew down from Philly to visit over the weekend. It was nice to see her.”

Lavi was almost vibrating with contentment, two things I didn’t think it was possible to combine for anyone else. “It was neat seeing a bunch of family,” she said.

The amount of family was made clear to me as discussion wandered into particulars of who begat whom and it felt like I was listening to Tolkien detail the lineages of the northmen. Lavi must have realized I was bored because I discovered her hand soon in my lap while she was talking about some cousin or other.

Melissa meanwhile was in a separate conversation but I felt her hand running up my thigh. I slowly savored my steak while two hands rubbed my thighs. Occasionally a finger would reach out and stroke my bulge. I was so tired I wasn’t even sure I got all the way hard but it felt wonderful to have that contact. Melissa smiled at me and so did Lavi. I was stoned, about to gorge and meat and eat with my girls. Nothing was wrong with the world.

I heard my name. Melissa nudged me and directed my attention to Sylvia.

“So, what’s going on with the HOA?”

Oh yeah, there was that. “Uh, well, turns out there is some kind of rule about multiple families in homes. They’re saying that multiple partners constitute multiple families and so the HOA is calling for my eviction.”

Peter, “Is it legal?”

“Well, we don’t constitute multiple families as far as the law is concerned but according to my lawyer homeowners associations have ridiculous amounts of leeway on this kind of thing. They don’t need a legal definition, just their own.”

Linda looked ready to spit nails. “Which is way too vague,” she said.

John at this moment appeared with food. While he was piling stuff on the table I directed Melissa on how to turn on the burner. Lavi took the meat scissors from John and said she would take care of it. When she did she leaned forward a little more than necessary and giggled just a tiny bit which did wonderful things with her low cut top. John lost the power of speech for a second. I was used to her and I still felt that way at times so I had sympathy. However sympathy took a back seat to food.

“Bulgogi please,” I said. Lavi started putting pieces on the grill with a smirk. Most of the table was politely pretending to have not seen it except for Lavi’s grandmother Adriane who gave me the impression of a maternal cat watching her kitten play with a mouse.

Soon the cart was empty, John left and Linda picked up the conversation where we left off. She was passing out little bowls of rice as she said, “The problem is Fred Benson, president of the HOA.”

“And my neighbor,” I added.

Melissa, “He’s always giving Lavi and I dirty looks.”

“And the others, especially Ji,” said Lavi.

“I thought we were cool,” I said. “He always said he liked my bees and that they were good for his flowers.”

“Well,” Linda replied, “Fred does love his flowers and has been president of the HOA for as long as I’ve lived here. The rule predates us but was apparently created to keep out undesirables.”

Adriane, “What do you mean?”

Linda looked at her. “Hispanics mostly. The way I’m told it, people were concerned that they would move in and bring in extended families, park in front yards, that kind of thing. The official reasoning is all about property values of course.”

“Charming.” Sault’s voice could have frozen water. “There is a long history of that in parts of Europe focused on Jews.”

Linda avoided confronting that head on by saying, “Well, it’s never been used in my time here. Before me I don’t know. I was vice president for five years but it became clear that the position is a glorified secretary for Fred but I’m still active in the association.”

Of course she was. I paid my dues but I’d never been to a meeting. Heck, it had been Fred that came over when I moved in and set up the payments with Jordyn. We were all eating now but talked between bites. Melissa pointedly put several pieces of zucchini on my plate so I ate them. It was a reasonable palate cleanser for more beef. I wasn’t trying to use the chopsticks left handed though, I went for the fork and speared meat mercilessly.

“Irony is,” I said, “next week is my last payment on the house. I did a ten year fixed. So, I guess if we do get kicked I can at least sell the place outright.”

Linda looked up from the grill where she was several pieces cooking. “You’re not moving. You have five weeks before the meeting when they vote. Fred gave you the absolute minimum amount of time necessary under the bylaws but that gives us enough.”

“Enough what?” Saul asked.

Linda didn’t look at him but delicately put rice and chicken together into a tiny bite. “Enough time to hoist him by the ankles.” Even when she was on my side Linda gave me the creeps.

I intervened, “The lawyer said we shouldn’t talk about it just yet. Everything is going through him since the HOA escalated to something official.”

Peter, “Who is the lawyer?”

“The same guy who is handling the defamation case is doing it.”

“How is that going?” That was Sylvia.

“Weird. Apparently the school feels really confident. I guess they think I’ll just drop it but I’m not going to.”

“You’re spending a lot of time with lawyers these days,” Rian quipped.

“Well, I could try to beat people up instead but I don’t think violence is my strong suit,” I said tilting my head toward my bound up arm.

Sylvia, “If this was one of my books Lavi would try to sleep with Benson, blackmail him and then there’d be a big hullabaloo over it.”

Lavi pinched her face. “Ew!”

“In Israel I’d get him taken care of,” said Adriane.

Lavi raised an eyebrow. “Make him disappear?”

“Lavi,” her grandmother’s tone was reproachful, “don’t be so dramatic. I’d just make some calls and get his taxes reviewed very, very carefully.”

Lavi blinked. “You could do that?”

“Not anymore. But once upon a time, well, when you had a hand in granting passports you had a chance to make a lot of friends.”

Peter decided to change the topic away from questionable use of official authority, “So, Robert, I heard a rumor you were getting 24/7 care. Lavi said something about the ‘nursing squad.’”

Melissa shot Lavi a dirty look. “I have no idea,” I said. “I was told we would review all that when we get home.”

Melissa, “Dramatic names aside, we’re just bringing in a few friends to help. The alternative was Robert staying in the hospital.”

I kept my mouth shut about what I thought were other un-voiced alternatives deciding that might violate Lavi’s not arguing about my care rule.

Adriane grinned, which immediately worried me. I’d learned where Lavi got her mischievousness from. “So,” she said, “are you girls going to wear those short little outfits,” she mimed pushing her chest out, “like in those movies Saul watches.” Her husband, for the first time that I had seen, turned red. So, he wasn’t totally immune.

However, he wasn’t taking it passively either. “If they do,” he said as he took a bite of beef, “they need to wear the garters, it’s just not the same without them.”

It was Sylvia that surprised me. “Just don’t take his blood pressure if you do, it’ll make the cuff explode.” She let a slight grin slip onto her face and everyone laughed. After that conversation went on for a while. Saul had a lot of recommendations about history books for me to read and I recommended to him several middle eastern fiction writers I liked. Rian was mostly quiet but I chatted with him a little about options to put a sound system into the jeep which Melissa heartily endorsed.

By eight I was ready to pass out and was led out to the SUV. I took a nap as we drove home, leaning against Melissa. When Peter stopped the car to let us out I noticed three extra cars at the house, Ji’s, Grace’s and Zahra’s. Ji had let everyone in and they were already sitting around the patio. Ji was by herself, Zahra was accompanied by her father and Grace had Owen with her. I was grateful June wasn’t there, I wasn’t quite ready to deal with Grace’s mother right now. They had set a fire going in the patio firepit and stood up to cheer as I came through the door making me feel awkward.