Chapter 64

Saturday, Nov. 14th,2020

Hello,

It’s time for another update. My memory has been worse. Basically if it’s not written down then it probably doesn’t exist in my universe. Errands, pick-up times, and that sort of thing. People tend to get pissy when you forget them twice in one day. All I can say is “I’m sorry. I’m not doing it on purpose.” It sucks.

I have started a new universe called Warlord. It’s my version of fiddling as Rome burns. I can’t stop this and I’m becoming so aware of the present that I’m starting not to care.

What I mean is the only cognitive success I have is here now, If you ask me about the close past (2 hours ago) or the far past (50 years ago) you run a risk of getting a null program response. If you ask me about a topic in those time periods I can probably have a conversation with you.

examples:

Q.How old were you when x?

I don’t know. (Unless it’s something that left a deep mark. Say, the first time someone put a knife to my throat or that time I made out with a 32 year old woman. I was sixteen)

If the question is object oriented I do better.

Q: “How do you do x? or Was Uncle so and so mean or nice?”

R: “You do x or he was very nice.”

Problem come when someone asks: “Can you do that x in three hours?”

R: “Write it down, or text me, or I will forget this conversation until someone jogs my memory.”

What’s really fun is when I don’t know why I’m in a room. I know where I am. I just don’t remember why. Even better, indecision is becoming more prevalent. I’ll just look at something or do something, Say, cook an egg. I’ll stop dead in my tracks, my left arm pulls up to my shoulder as I look at the egg in confusion until I remember I like black pepper on my eggs. then I go back to normal for me mode and finish cooking.

I was so disgusted earlier today. I had forgotten that I was supposed to take my daughter’s car to the mechanic today after dropping her off at work. On the way to her job, she asked me if I remembered that I was to take it in once I dropped her off. I didn’t remember and we talked a bit then I found the memory of her telling me.

I was so sad. There’s nothing like failing the people you love on a continual basis for your self esteem. Then my mind went to “This is really happening to me. I’m going away.” So I threw myself a pity party then I remember she had given me GRAPES! When I got home I could eat them. A small burst of joy went through me followed by FUCK! I’m living a Ralphie May comedy routine.

Ralphie May had a routine where he talked about how happy retarded people were because they are pleased by simple things. While non-retarded people were unhappy because nothing ever pleased them.

He asked, “Do you know how to make a retarded person happy? A Scooby-Doo lunch box and if they find a thermos of chocolate milk in it the motherfucker hit the lottery. While we couldn’t be happy because our Lexus wasn’t quite as new as our neighbor’s.

I went from unhappy about a real world problem that affects every aspect of my life to instantly happy because I had grapes. I then realized what had just happened and felt chagrined.

In other news, they set my Social Security trial for January. It would be really nice for them to give it to me, rather than having to start all over again if they deny me. We are having phone court due to Covid. My immediate future is going to be decide by a 4 way conference call between myself, my lawyer, the Social Security Judge, and an Occupational Advisor who will inform the judge if I am capable of doing any form of work and it doesn’t matter if I’m trained or not or whether that job is within 500 miles of me. It only matters that I am capable of it. Ain’t that some shit?

Oh, we were able to get a IRS advocate. The only thing she could do was to tell us that the IRS found an issue in June and didn’t inform us or our tax service. Now the tax service person is looking at me like “What do expect us to do?”

How about fix the problem with our tax return. Since you did it you are responsible because the IRS says it wasn’t done right.”

I then get another look like I’m stupid.

That’s my month in the life of story for today.

Cheers,

Darian