I’d known Joe for a good ten years and I’d spent many hours in his bar, The Landing Strip Lounge, drinking PBR and lusting after the girls that worked for him. They came and went, but one thing that they all had in common was that they were hot! The current crop was no exception. Karen behind the bar and both waitresses, Tina and Cookie, made me want to rip off their clothes and have my way with them. Well I guess that statement isn’t completely true. While it was as far as Karen and Tina were concerned, it wasn’t exactly true as far as Cookie was concerned. When I looked at her my thoughts ran along the lines of:

“Why couldn’t I have someone like her for a wife instead of the cunt I’m married to?”

Not that she wasn’t as sexy as the other two because she was that and more, but while Karen and Tina were sexy as hell it was in an “I’m hot and know it and if you were to get lucky get to me I’d fuck your eyes out” manner. With Cookie it was more like “If I was yours I’d fuck your eyes out and be the best wife you could ever hope for.” In other words Karen and Tina would be fuck buddies or friends with benefits whereas Cookie would be in it for the long haul.

But as much as I would have liked to put the meat to anyone of the three it wouldn’t happen. It wouldn’t happen because of the way I was wired. I was one of those guys who actually meant it when they said I do and for better or worse until death do us part. And right then it was about as worse as it could get.

I’d recently found out that my wife was fucking her boss and apparently some of our mutual friends knew about it although I did have to wonder if they were actually my friends. One would think a true friend would clue you in if they knew your wife was stabbing you in the back. I guess they were more Claudia’s friends than mine. For sure they weren’t on my list of friends or on my Christmas card list anymore.

I sat there nursing my beer and thinking evil thoughts about my whore of a wife when Bobby Denton slid onto the bar stool next to me.

“How you doing Wally?”

“Hanging in there Bobby; you?”

“Same old same old. You going to be here tomorrow night?”

“Why? What’s tomorrow?”

“Open mic night. We’ve got some decent talent lined up.”

“Yeah, but I’d have to suffer through all of your lame blond jokes. I see your wife’s face when you tell them and I wonder why she hasn’t cut your tongue out yet while you are sleeping.”

“I don’t sleep around her.”

I thought that was an odd thing to say, but before I could comment he said “Got to go talk with Joe about tomorrow” and he got up and walked away. Karen came over and asked me if I was ready for another PBR and I told her no. I finished the one in front of me and then I got up and headed home.

Claudia had dinner ready when I got there and she greeted me with a hug and a kiss which I returned. Claudia didn’t know that I knew about her secret life with her boss and I didn’t want her to know that I knew until I had all of my ducks in a row. Until I got that done I still wanted to have a sex life so I’d have to keep what I knew to myself. When I found out about what Claudia was up to I’d seen an attorney and found out the cold hard truth when it comes to a divorce in a state that had a no fault policy. In short – I would be fucked and Claudia would walk away smiling. According to the attorney my only other options were to just walk away without divorcing Claudia and without letting her know where I’d gone or to smile, suck it up and live with it.

Suck it up and live with it? Easy to say when it isn’t happening to you. But in the end that’s just what I decided to do, Live with it until I could get myself into a financial position where I could leave Claudia on my terms. My terms being that I didn’t give her shit and that I left Thomas Billings broken and bleeding. Fucking up her boss would be the easy part. All I had to do was let his wife know what he was up to and if I’d read her right she would cut him off at the knees and kick him to the curb.

Sarah Billings was the only child of Barton Benton and he doted on her, but he was nobody’s fool. When his darling daughter announced her intention to marry Thomas Billings who she had met at a company Christmas party Benton had insisted on a pre-nuptial agreement that would prevent Billings from ever assuming control of Benton Industries if anything should ever happen to Benton. Sarah was his sole heir and he wanted to make sure that she retained control of the Benton fortune.

How did I know all this? Claudia worked at Benton Industries as Billings’ secretary and was tied in with the gossip network. She brought the gossip home and it was table talk over dinner. When Benton and his wife died in a plane crash his only heir Sarah found herself with a company to run. She either didn’t think she could handle it or she didn’t want to handle it so Thomas Billings, Manager of Purchasing was suddenly President of Benton Industries. Sarah might not have wanted to run the company, but she was no dummy and she kept the title of CEO and Chairman of the Board so she could keep an eye on things. All I had to do as far as Billings was concerned was drop a dime on him to his wife.

Claudia followed Billings into the executive offices, but not as his secretary. She was promoted to Personal Assistant to the President. The promotion both pleased me and displeased me. The extra money coming in pleased me because we had just purchased a new house, new furniture and appliances. What displeased me was that the new job required that she travel with Billings as he flew around the country negotiating new contracts and the like. Claudia was gone two or three days at a time two or three times a month. I wanted my wife with me not flying around the country, but she was happy with her new job so I kept quiet and lived with it. That is I lived with it until Claudia and I went to the Elks Club dance.

We had a great time drinking, dancing and associating with our friends. About two hours into the party I had to go to the bathroom. I was sitting in one of the stalls taking care of business when Brett and Chuck walked in. I knew it was them because I recognized their voices. I could hear the piss hitting the back of the urinal as Chuck said:

“Claudia is sure looking hot tonight.”

“I know and I sure would like a piece of her.”

“I don’t know if she would be able to fit you in. Between her boss and Wally she must be getting all the dick she can handle.”

“I was thinking that maybe I could get her by threatening to tell Wally what she does on her trips with her boss.”

“I wouldn’t if I were you. Wally is so hung up on the slut that he wouldn’t believe you. He might even kick your ass for bad-mouthing her.”

Chuck was right. I didn’t believe it. I knew my Claudia. She loved me as much as I loved her. My Claudia would never and I do mean NEVER cheat on me. When I left that stall I had half a mind to go to those two assholes and punch them out for what they said about my wife. The other half was saying “Don’t be stupid. All you will do is cause a scene and end up embarrassing Claudia. I let reason prevail and went back to the party and tried to enjoy myself.

When the party was over we went home and Claudia did her level best to fuck me to death. As we cuddled after I knew that there was no way that my wife was cheating on me.

Funny thing about us humans. We have this thing called ‘human nature’ and one of the things that human nature makes up want to do is prove things to yourself. Someone says that “You can’t do that” so you have to prove that you can. Someone else says “That just isn’t possible” so you have to prove that it is. Someone says “Your wife is cheating on you” and you have to prove that she isn’t and the easiest way to prove it? Show up where she is on one of her trips and see for yourself that it is a stone assed lie. So that is what I did.

Billings and Claudia went to Houston and Claudia as always called me and let me know where they were staying. I was on the next flight to Houston. At the front desk I asked them if my wife had checked in yet and after showing them my ID they told me that she was checked in and was in room 306. I said she had come to Houston to meet her cousin and asked if he had checked in yet. Yes indeed, Cousin Thomas was in room 901.

I was on my way to the house phone to call Claudia’s room when I happened to glance at the elevators. I saw Claudia and Billings coming out of an elevator holding hands. They were smiling at each other. They stopped and kissed as the elevator doors closed behind them and then they headed for the hotel bar.

I’d seen enough to tell me that what I’d overheard was true and all that was left was for me to turn around, go home, and figure out what to do. But then there was that human nature thing. It was telling me “You need to know more Wally.”

I couldn’t just follow them into the bar because they would spot me so what I needed to do was change my appearance enough to not attract their attention. I went into the hotel’s gift shop. The place was big on Houston Astro’s gear and I bought a ball cap, windbreaker and canvas bag with the team’s logo on them and bought a pair of cheap sunglasses. I picked up a copy of People Magazine and then headed for the public restroom. Suitcoat and tie went into the bag, punched the lenses out of the horn-rimmed glasses, put on the cap and windbreaker and headed for the bar.

True, it wasn’t much in the way of a disguise and it wouldn’t stand up to close scrutiny, but I didn’t expect that Claudia or Billings would be closely inspecting anyone. They for sure wouldn’t expect to see me in Houston and I very much doubted from the way they were holding hands and kissing in public that they had given any thought to private detectives or investigators.

I spotted them as I entered the bar. They were sitting in a booth, had drinks in front of them and were kissing. I took a table where I could see them, ordered a drink and then sat there sipping my drink and pretending to read my magazine. Looking over the top of the magazine held in front of me I could see that Claudia’s left hand was under the table and I could see her arm moving slightly and there was no doubt in my mind that she was rubbing the asshole’s cock.

They had two drinks, played ‘kissee face’ for a bit and after about a half an hour they got up and left the bar. They walked right by me and didn’t even give me a glance. I gave them a minute and then got up and followed them. I watched as they walked hand in hand to the elevator, pushed the call button and kissed until the door opened. They got on, the door closed and the elevator headed up. It did not stop at the third floor so Claudia could get off and go to her room. It went all the way to the ninth, stopped for a minute and then headed down. It did not stop a three on the way down either. I’d seen enough and headed for home.

I saw an attorney, got the bad news and started things up to end my relationship with Claudia. When I got off work Wednesday I didn’t bother going home. I received a call from Claudia telling me that Billings had a meeting in Detroit first thing in the morning so they would be flying there from Houston, but she would be home the next day.

I stopped at the Landing Strip to have a beer or three and see if Bobby was right when he’d told me that they had some pretty decent talent lined up for the night. I took a bar stool, ordered my usual PBR and settled in. As usual Bobby started out the evening with a blonde joke.

“Two blondes were riding up in an elevator. Long before reaching their floor the elevator stopped and a really great looking guy got on. He smiled at the blondes and reached over and hit the button for the next floor. Then he stood and admired the scenery as the elevator went up. When the door opened behind him he smiled at the blondes, turned and went out the door. When he turned to leave the blondes saw a large number of dandruff flakes down his back.

“The first blonde turned to the second and went “Eeewwweue!”

The second blond said “That’s okay. If I can get him home I’ll give him Head and Shoulders.

The first blonde looked at the second and asked “How do you give shoulders?”

Bobby got a decent laugh from everyone except his wife. She just sat at her table in the back and threw dirty looks at him. He went ahead an introduced the next want to be stand-up. The guy took the stage looked out at the crowd and said:

“Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked them why they were arguing and the first boy said:

“We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give to whoever can tell the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves” the teacher said. “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The two boys looked at each other, nodded and then gave the ten dollars to the teacher.”

He got a polite laugh and then went on “A man goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, wherever I touch it hurts.”

The doctor asked him what he meant and the man said “When I touch my shoulder it hurts. When I touch my knee it hurts. When I touch my forehead it REALLY hurts.”

The doctor shook his head knowingly and said “I know exactly what the problem is. You’ve broken your finger.”

He wasn’t all that funny so I was sipping my beer and scanning the crowd. No reason; just people watching, when Cookie took the seat next to me.

“Hi handsome; buy a poor working girl a drink?”

I got Karen’s attention, pointed at Cookie and Karen nodded and a minute later she put a Screwdriver down in front of Cookie.

“And to what does Wally owe for the pleasure of your company?”

“Nothing. Just curious.”

“Curious? Curious about what?”

“About you?”

“Me? You can’t be serious.”

“Why not? You’re good looking and a nice guy.”

“Nice? Me?”

“Yes you. You come in here often and I can tell from the way you look at Karen, Tina and me that you like what you see, but you aren’t like a lot of others who come in here. You keep your hands to yourself and don’t make lewd or suggestive comments. The question is why haven’t you made a pass at one of us?”

“You know why Cookie; I’m married.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why are you married to that tramp? Surely you have to know that she is cheating on you.”

That caught me totally by surprise and Cookie caught the look that came over my face.

“You didn’t know? How could you not? Everyone else knows.”

“How do you know?”

She pointed and said “See that guy sitting over there in the corner booth with the redhead? That’s my brother Rick and he works at Benton. Everybody there knows about your wife and Billings. Rick came in here one day and saw you sitting here and me talking to you. He told me later that he felt sorry for you and when I asked him why he told me.”

“What I can’t understand is why if everyone knows no one bothered to clue me in.”

“Don’t know. Could be for any number of reasons.”

“Name a few.”

“In this day and age there are what are called open marriages; there are couples who swing with others and guys who get off on their wives doing it with other men. There some who like you too much to be the one who causes you pain and some who might be the other side of the coin and dislike you enough to be glad that it is happening to you. There might be people who like you, but like your wife more.”

She finished off her screwdriver and said “Breaks over. Need to get my butt back to work. I watched that butt as she walked away and wondered if she would say yes to a date when I got rid of Claudia.”

Up on the bandstand Bobby said that it was now time for anyone in the audience who wanted to give it a shot and a voice from the back of the room said:

“I’d like to give it a try.”

“Everyone in the room including Bobby was surprised to see his blond wife Brianna stand up and head for the stage. Bobby looked stunned as he handed the mic to his wife.

“I know my dipshit husband likes to tell blond jokes while looking right at me, but have you noticed that Bobby is also a blond? Time for some payback hubby dear.

“An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of the building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said:

“Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box again and exclaimed “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump too.”

The blond guy opened his lunch and said “Bologna again! If I get one more bologna sandwich one more time I’m also going to jump.”

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and leaped off the scaffold. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw bologna again and leaped to his death also.

At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again.”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burrito’s so much.”

Everyone turned and looked at the blond guy’s wife and she said “Don’t look at me. He packed his own lunch.”

She got a huge laugh and said “What do you call a blond guy with an IQ of 35? Gifted.”

“Why don’t blond guys eat more M & M’s? They are two hard to peel.”

“What is the difference between a blond guy and government bonds? Bonds mature.”

“And last, but by no means least, “What do blond guys and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.”

Brianna received a stand ovation from the women in the audience (and their male companions who wanted to stay in the good graces of their ladies).

Normally when the comic was done Bobby would show up, take the mic back and ask if anyone else wanted to give it a try. If no one else wanted to try Bobby would tell another blond joke or two, thank everyone for coming and wish all a good night. It didn’t happen this time. When Bobby never came up Brianna set the mic down on the floor and then walked back to the table she shared with her friends.

Finally Bobby got back up on the bandstand. As he bent to pick up the mic he muttered “Bitch!” not realizing that the mic was sensitive enough to pick it up. A hush came over the crowd and when Bobby brought the mic up to his mouth and said “That’s it for tonight folks” there wasn’t the usual cheers and applause. I got up and went home.

The next three months rolled along with me pretending to be a loving husband to a woman who was pretending to be a loving wife. I receive several commission checks and one bonus check that I cashed and then stashed the money in a safe deposit box that Claudia didn’t know about. It wasn’t a large amount, about ten grand, and it wasn’t near enough to sustain me following a divorce where I had to give up half of everything I had. And then the Gods smiled on me.

Like a whole lot of other people I bought lottery tickets, crossed my fingers and dreamed. I got lucky and I bought a winning Powerball ticket. I matched four numbers, had the Powerball and the Power play so the ticket was good for $40,000 before taxes. It would end up paying me about $28,200 when I cashed it in. It wouldn’t make me rich, but it would be enough to give me a new start on life after Claudia.

I had six months in which to cash it in so I needed to get the divorce so it would be final before I got the money otherwise it would end up in the assets that we would split between us. The timing was right. Claudia had just gotten a raise that paid her slightly more than I made so there would be no alimony. I would have to pay the court costs and there was no way around that unless I could somehow get Claudia to file and I didn’t see that happening.

My biggest problem as I saw it was that Claudia might fight the divorce. If she did she could possibly drag it out to beyond the date when the ticket had to be claimed and then it would become just another one of our assets that had to be included in the fifty/fifty split. I had to find a way to make sure that Claudia would not want to fight. For all I knew she wouldn’t want to anyway, but I needed some way to see to it that she wouldn’t.

The thing with no fault divorces was that you could file using infidelity for a reason, but it didn’t matter. You could show film of your wife doing gangbangs or fucking the family dog and it wouldn’t matter. Everything would still have to be split half and half. Even if I did file and claim infidelity Claudia could laugh at me and say that I had no proof, that it was all in my imagination and we needed to have marriage counselling to find out where my ‘insecurities’ were coming from and then address them.

The fact was that I had no proof. Saying “Oh come on! Everyone knows” was not proof and neither was the fact that I saw them holding hands and kissing. I needed solid audio and video proof to be able to make the claim stick. Proof that I could throw down on the table in front of Claudia so she would know she was well and truly busted and that she would be wasting her time in trying to fight to keep us together. I did not have that proof and after talking with a couple of private detective agencies I found that I couldn’t afford to get the proof I needed by going that route.

“While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office a women rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the reception desk the man sat there alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the old man’s he said:

“I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

The lady, her name was Maria, got a good laugh out of that one and she went on. “Working as a pediatric nurse I have the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the room to give four year old Lizzie her shot. When she saw the needle she screamed:

“NO NO NO NO NO NO!”

Her mother scolded her and said “Lizzie, that is not nice behavior.”

With that Lizzie hollered out even louder “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”

That got her a polite laugh and she ended her routine with “I was out bicycling with my eight year old granddaughter Carolyn. I got a little wishful. In ten years I said to her “You’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking and swimming with me like you do now.”

Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you will be too old to do all those things anyway.”

It was open mic night again at The Strip and I was having a drink or two before going home to a Claudia less house. She was out of town again. Cookie took the stool next to me and gave me the usual “Buy a poor working girl a drink?” It seemed like she was doing it every time I came in. I smiled and waved Karen over and she arrived with Cookie’s drink already in her hand. Seemed like we were falling into a routine.

“You seem quiet tonight Wally. You don’t seem like you are enjoying the entertainment.”

“A lot on my mind Cook.”

“Like what?”

I was in just the right mood to dump it all on her.

“Doesn’t seem like much of a problem to me. So what if you can’t afford it. Just get someone who can afford it to do it.”

“What?”

“You said that you don’t think that his wife knows so go tell her. Let her put the dogs on the two cheaters. She catches them divorces his ass and names your wife as hubby’s fuck buddy. It is all public record and it doesn’t cost you a dime.”

I laughed, grabbed her and kissed her. “Thank you, thank you, thank you” and kissed her again.

She laughed and said “As soon as you get rid of the bitch maybe we can do this again.”

“Something to look forward to” I said and got up and left the bar.

The next day I called Sarah Billings, reminded her of who I was and then asked her if I could have a talk with her. She asked about what and I told her it was in regard to a situation that concerned us both and was a little too delicate to discuss over the phone. She agreed to meet me for lunch at Tricocci’s at noon. I got there ten minutes early and told Jared that I was expecting a guest and described her and then I took a booth in the back.

Mrs. Billings arrived at twelve sharp and after she had settled into the booth across from me she went right at it.

“Just what is this situation you want to talk about?”

While waiting for her to arrive I had been thinking of the best way to broach the subject and still didn’t have a clear idea until she sat down. Her ‘straight at it’ attitude decided it for me. I went straight at it.

“Your husband and my wife are having an affair. A fairly long one I’m afraid.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I’m afraid that I most assuredly am.”

“Have you any proof?”

“Just what I’ve seen with my own eyes.”

“You’ve actually seen them?”

“Not doing the act itself. But I’ve seen enough to convince me.”

“I don’t understand. You’ve seen them, but you haven’t seen them?”

I explained how I found out about what they were doing and how I had gone to Houston and what I’d seen there.

“I admit that it isn’t what the courts would accept as proof, but there is no doubt in my mind – not even a smidgen – as to what happened after they got off the elevator at the ninth floor.”

“There wouldn’t have been any doubt in my mind either if I would have seen it. What are you going to do?”

“Divorce her as fast as I can.”

“Thank you very much for letting me know.”

“I have two reasons for telling you what was going on. The first is that I really thought that you should know.”

“And the second?”

“Pretty much self-serving. The divorce would go a lot quicker if Claudia doesn’t fight it, but I think that in the absence of irrefutable proof she would contest it. The problem is that I have no irrefutable proof. I’ve looked at hiring a private detective to get me that proof and found that there is no way I can afford to do it. But you can. My hope is that you will want to get the proof necessary to get rid of the cheating asshole and then as a way of thanking me for cluing you in you will share that proof with me.”

She gave me a contemplative look and then said “And then for revenge you will suggest that we have sex and then let them know that we are and rubbing their noses in it.”

I laughed at that and said “Get serious Mrs. Billings. There is no way you would be able to get anyone to believe that a woman like you would climb into the sack with a guy like me. No even to get revenge on your husband. Besides, if we did that and let them know it would defeat what I’m trying to accomplish. It would give Claudia something she could use to counter sue and that would end up dragging the divorce out. I want to be rid of the cheating skank as quickly as possible.”

“I guess it would affect mine also. Okay; we will just log it as a ‘what might have been’ and get on with things.”

We exchanged cell phone numbers and then parted company.

Claudia was home when I got there and over dinner we talked about our day. We were both still playing our loving spouse role so we cuddled up on the couch and watched some TV until bed time and then we went to bed and engaged in sexual intercourse. I don’t know if Claudia considered it love making or not, but for my part we were just fucking.

Tuesday was a repeat of Monday and I expected that Wednesday would be a repeat of both Monday and Tuesday, but at noon on Wednesday I got a call from Claudia that she and her boss had to be in Detroit Thursday morning so they were catching a 4 p.m. flight and she wouldn’t be home that night.

So I did what I did when Claudia was gone Wednesdays and I stopped in at the Landing Strip. I’d worked late and as a result I got there after open mic night had already started so I missed out on Bobby’s blond jokes. Karen brought me my PBR and I turned my attention to the bandstand. I looked at the table where his wife usually sat and saw that she wasn’t there. As far as I could remember she had never missed an open mic night and I wondered if what had happen the previous Wednesday had anything to do with it.

The guy standing up there was a regular customer, but I’d not seen him get up on the stage before.

“The economy is sooo bad:

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the quarter ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nanny’s and know have to learn their children’s’ names.

A truck full of Americans got caught snaking into Mexico.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on.

And finally...

The Mafia is laying off judges.”

I gave a polite laugh and then heard “Buy a poor working girl a drink” and turn to see that Cookie had taken the stool next to me. The routine had been established and before I could say a word Karen was already setting the drink down in front of Cookie. I surprised the hell out of her when I grabbed her and gave her a big kiss.