Hey folks, as those of you who read my blog already know, I was almost finished with the story I was going to put out this week, but last week's news about Glenn Frey from the eagles hit me pretty hard. I put that story away to write this one instead. A lot of you guys out there know what it's like trying to convince your wife, especially when she likes a different kind of music how great the music you grew up with is. So just this past summer, I took my girls to see the history of the Eagles concert at the Joe Louis Arena. All three of them came out of that show loving the eagles as much as I do.
I did one Eagles song, (Lyin' Eyes) a couple of years ago and had plans to do more. So this is the first of at least a couple I'll be doing this year. I only had three days to get this out, so forgive me if it's not perfect. Everyone who wants to complain about my grammar and comma usage can email me for a refund. Think about the Eagles while you read this or better off just listen to the song. They really don't make them like this anymore. SS06
I woke up to a sinking feeling in my stomach. There was also a hand on my ass and another trying to push its way between my legs. I had a really bad headache that I knew hadn't come from the liquor we'd drank the night before.
"Ceej, Honey, I'm not much of a morning person," I mumbled.
"Oh! ... Sorry," he mumbled. "But what about all of those stories you told me about you and Mark fucking all night and then half of the next day?"
"I was twenty then," I grumbled. "When you're twenty years old and madly in love you can live on sex."
"Oh..." he said sadly.
He looked like a hurt puppy and I wondered again if I wasn't making a mistake. On paper it seemed like everything would be perfect for me. I was trading in a forty year old man who worked all day long and then came home and worked on his car, for a thirty year old man who worshipped the ground I walked on.
Mark was dedicated to his fucking job and to stacking dollars for what he thought was going to be our future. CJ was dedicated to me. Mark, while not controlling or anywhere near abusive, seemed to always argue with me. If I put my foot down and stood firm, drawing a line in the sand, he just looked at me with a peculiar little smile on his face and walked away.
Things were not supposed to work that way. When my mother put her foot down, my father toed the line the way he was supposed to. Eventually he realized that as has been said too many times to recount, "Happy wife, happy life."
But not Mr. Mark Clayton. Mr. Mark Clayton looked at me with a look that seemed to say, "Bitch, you're crazy!"
If I brought out the big guns and withheld sex, he shrugged his shoulders and worked on his car more. I hated that fucking Mustang with a passion. And it was the weirdest thing ... Not getting any sex was supposed to render him a gibbering idiot. That was what my mom told me. But a couple of days after I started holding out in him, he developed this weird habit of looking at his watch.
It's a really good thing that women are smarter than men, or I wouldn't have figured it out. I noticed a calendar in our kitchen with a big red circle around the very next weekend. There were also several days leading up to it, including that day crossed off. It made no sense until I went into his sock drawer and found a brochure for a high end brothel in Las Fucking Vegas.
Right on the cover of the brochure was a picture of several different women who all looked like they'd be eager to suck my husband's Dick for free and would kill me for the chance to do it for money. They were all pretty, well built, very young women too. I almost went into shock.
I think the thing that pissed me off the most was that he'd already crossed that day off and it wasn't even lunch time yet. I wasn't stupid. And there was no way I was going to let him go off and screw a bunch of professional whores. I knew what would come after that. He'd try to put my ass out to pasture in less time than it takes his Mustang to reach thirty miles an hour and his zero to sixty time was less than five seconds.
So that night, knowing where my fucking bread was buttered, I offered to have sex with him. I was pissed beyond belief. And I ended up with my feelings hurt.
"Nah," he said. He said it so quickly that it was like an afterthought. Like something that was so minor in importance that it didn't even rate consideration.
I was sure that steam was coming out of my ears as the tables turned.
"Oh come on Mark, it's been a week!" I heard myself whining.
"I'm just not in the mood," he said.
"I could suck your dick," I smiled trying to make myself seem sexy. It was a struggle. Especially when my fondest dream would have been to bite it off and spit it into the fireplace. "Please baby let me suck your dick," I begged.
"I don't know," he said as if considering it. "You're not very good at it. It just seems like you're just trying to get it over with. Maybe week after next..."
A shock went through me. And that was the way things always went with us. I tried all of the shit I learned on TV, in magazines and from my mother, to come out on top, but Mark always seemed to get the upper hand.
CJ, on the other hand, worshipped me. I was his Goddess. All I had to do was say jump and he was in the air. Why hadn't I left Mark for CJ before now?
Two reasons. The first is that deep down inside I love Mark. I hate his work ethic. I hate the shit out of his sense of RE-sponsi-fucking-bility and I loathe the fact that he simply won't take any shit off of anybody.
The second reason is even more practical. CJ, for all of his intense worship and suckery ... Lord I love having him kiss my ass ... Makes minimum wage or something like that working in a bar. He's fun to be around, and he does everything I tell him to, but there is no way he can support me.
Mark, the asshole I married, has a salary in the low six figures. Maybe that's why he's such ... Okay; it wasn't always this way between us. When we first got together, we were very much in love. But twenty years and about a million arguments have both of us raising our defenses against the other.
As I tried to remember what it was exactly that changed our everlasting love into never ending ennui and then transformed that into soul searing hatred, CJ intruded on my thoughts.
He was rubbing my legs ever so gently hoping to get me into the mood without getting me pissed off at him. That gentle leg rubbing thing always turned me on soooo fucking much when Mark did it. CJ on the other hand was just annoying me.
"CJ, move over here and suck my titty," I told him.
"Seriously?" he gushed. I nodded at him. And he quickly scurried towards me.
I hated to tell him that his rubbing my legs annoyed me because I could feel it and it took me away from my thoughts. On the other hand my big old titties were as fake as my blond hair. After the surgery, I noticed that I had lost most of the feeling in my nipples. Mark could always make me feel sensations there but no one else seemed to be able to.
That was another thing I hated about that bastard. He was really good in bed. And his dick was definitely bigger than CJ's. Mark could always leave me trembling like a puddle of goop on the floor. It was hard for me to believe that he had never cheated on me. Even harder to believe that he really loved me and still does to this day. This is going to be really hard on him. But that's a good thing because it means that I can always come back to him if need be.
In fact there'd be no need for me to leave Mark at all if he didn't have to win every fucking argument. If he would just let me control things the way it was supposed to be, we'd be a lot fucking happier. In fact if I was in control, I'd be a much happier wife and I'd make him the happiest bastard on the planet. But he's pissed me off one time too many.
It had actually been CJ who made me realize that I really was the one in control. He told me that in a divorce, the woman always gets everything and the husband ends up living in his mom's basement, eating tuna straight out of the can. CJ himself was living with a woman who wanted to marry him, but she wasn't really what he was looking for. They weren't married, so walking away from her would be no problem.
"So ... Sluuuuurrrp ... Don't ... Sluurp slurp ... Forget. Today's the day you call him," said CJ between slurps on my breast.
I remembered then. The plan. We'd been planning it for weeks. We had waited for the perfect time. And this week was perfect. It was perfect because Mark was out of town. It was perfect because both CJ and I were cowards. Neither of us had the balls to tell my husband face to face that I was leaving him and pursuing a divorce.
I almost threw up just thinking about it. I mean, I do have a small sense of wrong and right. And it just seemed heinous for me to call the man when he was out of town on business, busting his ass to pay for the house I just had to have and my car and all of my clothes and jewelry and even the food I ate.
Mark deserved more. He deserved for me to sit down with him and talk about our relationship and how we were both feeling. If we agreed that there was no way to save our marriage, then we should have discussed all of the options open to us. Then and only then, should we discuss a divorce. And after the divorce, we would both be free to move on to other relationships.
That was the honorable way to do it. But we were doing it this way. In over twenty years together, Mark had never hit me. He barely even raised his voice to me. When we couldn't agree on something, he would try to compromise. That was one of my biggest problems with him. He was too easy going. He was always ready to settle for less than everything. But if we couldn't compromise, he just got that funny little smirk on his face and walked away.
Over the years, I came to know exactly how he thought. I knew exactly what that look meant. It meant, "Fuck you, bitch. If you won't settle for half, you get nothing. It meant who needs to fuck your forty year old pussy when I can go to Vegas and..."
So over the years, I got angrier and angrier. And I was at a time in my life when I just needed it all. So in the divorce, I'd get all of it. I'd get my house, all of my stuff and a big chunk of his money. And then when it was time for him to retire, I'd get half of his pension too.
I had spoken to a lawyer. I had him drawing up the divorce papers. I'd spoken to my mother. And I'd spoken to a lot of my friends. All of them were sure that it would work, but they were also all in agreement that I shouldn't do it.
What galled me was when my mother, who'd always hated Mark, told me that I was out of my fucking mind to even think about divorcing him. But their opinions only served to piss me off and make me even more determined.
My lawyer, who was only interested in making money, was the one who came up with the reason for the divorce. I was going to claim mental cruelty and abandonment. The basis for our divorce was that Mark, by working all the damned time had abandoned me emotionally.
It was a lie and a stupid one, but it would get me the freedom and the control over my life that I wanted. Deep down, I hated blindsiding him like this. But it's a tough world and he's a big boy. He'll get over it in time.
Besides, if I took my time and talked to him about things, he'd probably try to compromise. Or he'd talk me out of it. And sometimes you just have to hit a motherfucker over the head with a two by four to get his attention. I felt like I was at one of those, "Do unto others BEFORE they do unto you," points in my life.
I took a deep breath and picked up my phone. CJ redoubled his attention to my unfeeling left nipple as if to stir me onwards.
From outside of the house I heard the sounds of trucks. It was probably one of our neighbors having furniture delivered. I dialed a number that over the years I had learned far too well.
It rang once and then was connected in the middle of the second ring. It had to be a coincidence. It seemed almost as if he'd expected me to call him.
"Mark," I said tentatively.
"Who else would be answering my phone?" he asked. His flip manner made me hate what I was doing just a little bit less.
"Why the hell are you calling ME?" he asked. He sounded as if for me to call him was something strange or unexpected. As I thought about it, I realized that he was right. I hadn't called him unless it was to get something for myself in years. The man busted his ass to make a life for us and I had pretty much ignored him for a very long time. Maybe what I wanted would be good for both of us. Maybe I could let him keep a little bit more of the money.
I mean, I didn't need to hurt him; I just needed to be free.
"I AM your wife," I said.
I was so close. I was driving my way to the Promised Land and in the home stretch. There was sweat streaming down my forehead and dripping onto the pale skinned creature beneath me.
She made a little keening sound and yanked my head back down to hers. She planted my lips firmly onto hers and somehow managed to squeeze my dick even tighter in the velvet lined vice of her vagina.
"Ohhhhhhh fuck," I gasped. She giggled and kissed me again.
"Shannon ... Baby, I can't hold it ... I've gotta..." I gasped.
"You've gotta wait a little bit longer, Honey," she hissed. "It'll be so much better ... IF YOU waaaaiiit! Ooooooh ... Oh Jeezus ... Do me baby." Each syllable was punctuated with her slamming her crotch against me. I was trying to hold back with all of my might. Shannon had the ability to make me cum so hard I was cross eyed after it.
It was hard to believe that I had known her for only three months. "It's too tight, when you squeeze it like that. I'm gonna cum. Besides you said it was mine and I want it now."
"I also told you that you could have me any way you wanted me, anytime you wanted me, now fuck me!" she cooed. "But don't cum!"
The jangling sound of my phone caused me to lose all control. Sperm shot out of me so hard that I nearly lost consciousness. I looked down to see Shannon's reaction and she was in the midst of spasms. Her eyes had rolled back in her head and her legs were splayed out and shaking violently.
"Hoooo baby, that was good," she mumbled. "I swear to God that was it."
"What the hell are you trying to do to me, Shannon?" I asked as my phone continued to ring.
"I'm trying to make you happy, Mark," she said mischievously.
"I've been happy since I met you," I said.
"You'll be even happier, when we're done," she smirked. "Answer your phone. It might be her."
It wasn't. It was the movers. I had forgotten that they were supposed to call me when they arrived. The tiny white hand that was gripping my dick guided it between her cherry red lips. The lips and the head they were attached to were soon hidden behind a curtain of red curls.
A tingling came from my loins at about the same time as I heard the slurping sounds.
Suddenly my phone rang again. I could see from the number on the screen that it was her. I nodded at Shannon who was looking at me expectantly. The look that came across those huge green eyes was part mirth and part evil grin.
As Shannon flipped over and slid up next to me, I marveled again at the work of art her body was. Her legs are sculptured like the dancer she used to be. And her heart shaped ass could make a Kardashian jealous. Her tiny waist makes her ass seem larger than it is, but then that ass is so round that it seems to belong on a bigger woman. God was truly in his glory when he made that ass.
Shannon always says that God was so proud of the work he did on her ass that he was too busy patting himself on the back to give her any tits.
I was in love again. Yes ... again. It was only the second time for me, but this one just felt right. This love was like the Phoenix. It rose from the ashes of the one before it.
I guess I should start at the beginning. Three months ago, I was like a lot of poor schlubs out there. I was in love with a woman who hated me. I guess we were both phoning it in. But I loved her. I really did. And I stupidly thought that she loved me too.
Sure I knew there were problems in my marriage. We'd been arguing a lot back then. But I thought that all married couples went through that. My eyes were opened when my secretary came into my office and told me I had a visitor.
When Shannon walked into my office and sat down, I was confused.
"So ... What company do you represent?" I asked.
"I'm from the you and me getting back at the assholes corporation," she spat. "This is gonna be harder than I thought."
She shook her head as she looked at me. "Too bad too," she said.
"I don't understand," I said.
"I know you don't, Mark and from the look of things, this is gonna hit you really hard," she said. She shrugged her tiny shoulders and moved on. "Your wife is cheating on you."
I thought that I had misheard her, but when I looked at her she was so sure. She'd said it as casually and as factually as if she'd just told me the sky was blue. Somehow I knew she was telling the truth.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. Sweat broke out on my forehead and my heart started pounding in my chest. My vision grew dim along the edges and my eyes began to water. I felt as if any second I was going to vomit. Images of a faceless man on top of Anne, pounding away at her while she screamed out her pleasure, dominated my psyche.
Then the dam broke and the water started. I put my head down on my desk because, as a man I didn't want that tiny little redhead to see me crying like some kind of baby.
Before I knew what was happening, the fragrance of fresh cherries engulfed me. I felt warm hands lifting my head from the desk and I was cradled in a warm place.
"I'm so sorry," she cooed. "I never expected this. I guess I expected that you would react the way that I did when I found out. I expected for you to get pissed and go over there and kick my boyfriend's ass."
She was perched on my desk with my head in her lap. She stroked my head, trying to calm me down as she spoke.
"You love her don't you?" she asked shaking her head. "Despite the fact that she cheats on you and never has a single good thing to say about you. You LOVE her. When they're in bed all she ever talks about is the way the two of you argue, and how you should be doing what she wants. I just don't get it. You work your ass off trying to support her and she doesn't appreciate you or the things you do for her. Why the hell do you care so God Damned much about her?"
She continued stroking my head and talking out loud. The sound of her voice was comforting and I began to wonder if she was trying to calm me down or just talking to herself.
"It's the blond hair and the big boobs isn't it?" she asked. "CJ is crazy about blond women with big tits, too. I guess I expected more from you."
I looked up at her suddenly. I don't know why I got so angry at HER.
"I loved her before she bleached her hair," I spat. "And I was the one who bought her those boobs." Her only response was a burst of laughter so musical that it stopped me in my tracks.
"What's so funny?" I asked. "I was telling the truth."
"I know you were, Honey," she said. "But my dumb-assed ex has no idea that his dream woman is mostly plastic. It's probably going to take a lot of your money to keep her looking like that."
I shook my head. It all seemed like a dream, but my anger was rising. Shannon told me all of it. She told me how they met. And what Anne's ultimate plan was. They'd been discussing options and thought they had figured out the best way to get rid of me, or at least to get me out of Anne's life, while keeping most of my money.
Shannon herself was in a similar although less legal position. She'd been supporting CJ since they'd met while he'd had a series of flings with women who came into the bar he worked part time in. He was apparently looking for his perfect BBB or big boobed blond and had found Anne and thought his dreams were complete.
Besides the physical aspects that I had paid for, Anne seemed to arouse his mother complex as well.
Shannon had been paying a private eye to get as much info on CJ as she could. I spoke to her agent a woman named Sarah Pryce several times and then took over paying for her services. It was actually a no-brainer. Having the information was of no benefit to Shannon. Sarah, another really pretty redhead had explained it to Shannon several times.
Since Shannon and CJ weren't married, the information meant nothing to her. CJ could legally walk away from Shannon on a whim with no repercussions. I on the other hand could use Sarah's information and the videos to give me a stronger position in the divorce and mitigate the amount of money I would have to give Anne and her boy toy.
Over the weeks of watching them and planning ourselves, Shannon and I grew closer. One night it all came to a head.
"Shannon, you're way too good for him," I told her. "Why don't you just walk away?"
"Fuck him," she said. "But I can't walk away without settling up. I don't ever let anyone get over on me."
"But isn't it enough that you found out about what he's doing, so he can't really hurt you? You aren't tied to him, so you're not stuck like I am." I asked. "You're young and you're so beautiful. You have time to find someone who will love you the way you deserve."
Her green eyes lit up, even in the confines of my Mustang's dark interior.
"So you finally noticed, Huh?" she asked.
"Noticed what?" I asked.
"Me!" she smirked.
"I noticed you the first moment you stepped into my office," I gushed.
"Bullshit!" she laughed. "You were so in love with Anne that you didn't even notice that I was a girl, let alone that I might have been interested in you." Her laughter as usual had enchanted me. It was one of the things I loved about her the most.
"Why do you think, I'm still here?" she gushed. "I got over CJ and any need for revenge weeks ago. Helping you get your revenge means much more to me than getting back at that asshole. I just hate the thought of you having to support those two cheaters for the rest of their God Damned lives. There has to be a way for us to get out of this, Honey."
She walked right over to me, wrapped her arms around me and kissed me for the first time. I was shocked. But I enjoyed it too much to even consider not returning the kiss.
At forty, and married for twenty years, I thought that I knew how to kiss. But the only thing I knew was the way that Anne kissed. Kissing Shannon was a completely different animal.
The taste was different. The feeling was different. The whole experience was different. I couldn't get enough. I just kept kissing her and kissing her. After a while we forgot that we were supposed to be listening to a recording of our cheating partners so we could figure out how to come out on top.
A voice from behind us finally separated us, but Shannon refused to let go of my hand.
"I thought ... Well ... I hoped that would happen," smiled Sarah. "The two of you are so nice and you're far more suited to each other than you are to the people you're in relationships with. Now that the two of you are together, we can just let the cheaters go. People like that will end up getting what they deserve in the end."
"But what about his divorce ... And our revenge?" asked Shannon. Sarah surprised us then, when she explained a few things about the law.
"The question is do the two of you want to be together enough to do it?" asked Sarah. "Take some time to think about it. It's a big step. I'll send you a bill," she smiled.
The next few weeks told the story. Shannon and I worked on our acting chops. We each told our respective spouses how busy we were at work. And surprisingly they both believed us. Neither of them had any idea that Shannon and I knew each other let alone that we were in a budding relationship of our own.
It gave us the time to spend together and our mutual attraction blossomed into full blown love. One day I called Shannon at work and told her that I was ready to jump. "I want ... I guess I need to spend more time with you," I told her.
"We're together almost every night, silly," she giggled over the phone.
"It's not enough," I said.
"But we haven't even slept together yet," she whispered. That told me that she was working and didn't want anyone there to hear her.
"I'm sure that sex with you will be awesome," I told her.
"You have no idea," she cooed. "But you do know that I don't have huge jugs like your wife, right?"
"Who cares," I said. "What makes sex great is when you love the person you're with and you really want to please them."
That was when she said it. She was almost in tears and her voice broke. It was as if she'd just been waiting to hear me say it.
"I love you too Mark. And I swear I will forever. You can have any part of me, any way you want it, any time you want it. I'm yours," she gushed. I was floored. No one, not even Anne when we were young had so eloquently and vehemently expressed their love for me.
"And no, I've never said anything like that to anyone before you," she said solemnly. "Not even that asshole CJ."
"I wasn't worried about that," I said. "I was just wondering how quickly we can do it. We're going with Sarah's plan."
The phone call this morning was just what we'd been waiting for. The funny thing about it was that I really and truly believe that fate played a hand in getting us together. Over the weeks as we made our plans, we were very careful not to be seen together. But people that we both knew kept coming to each of us and telling us that our significant others were cheating on us. We had to work very hard to pretend that we didn't know.
It was a comedy of errors that bordered on a Shakespearean level. It began to seem like only CJ and Anne had no idea that we knew. And that was because the two cheaters were so sure that they were much smarter than everyone else.
Finally my business trip came up ... Okay it was a pretend business trip, but it worked. And conveniently, Shannon's mother got sick at the same time. Both of us being supposedly out of town lent courage to the cheaters and thus that fateful phone call. Things didn't go as smoothly as we'd hoped. Both Shannon and I had predicted that the phone call would have come on Friday night. That was why I had arranged for the truck to arrive on Sunday morning. I wanted to give the lovebirds a couple of days to enjoy each other before it all blew up.
But Shannon and I savored the moment of victory as I answered the phone. "Mark?" asked the voice of the woman I'd been married to for more than twenty years.
"Who else would answer my phone?" I asked gleefully. Shannon had moved up and wrapped her arms around me, giving me a strength I never thought I had. "Why the hell are YOU calling ME?" I asked.
"I am your wife," she said. "Mark, Honey, I have to tell you something and you're probably not going to like it. I guess the easiest way to do this is to tell you that in the long run this will be good for both of us. It may not seem like it now but..." I just started laughing.
He was laughing. I couldn't believe he was laughing at me. CJ had gone downstairs to find out what was going on with those God Damned trucks. It almost seemed like they were in my front yard. I wished that CJ was there with me then.
"Why the fuck are you laughing?" I asked. "I'm being serious here!"
"Well, I heard some people talkin' just the other day. And they said you were gonna put me on a shelf," he said in that same laughing voice. He really knew how to piss me off. Well he'd be laughing out of the other side of his ass in minute. And that was what all of this was about. This time I had the upper hand.
"But let me tell you I got some news for you," he continued. "And you'll soon find out it's true. Then you'll have to eat your lunch all by yourself."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked.
"I don't think this is your idea at all," he laughed. "I think it's CJ's plan."
Shit, he knew about CJ and me. He'd said he heard some people talking about it. Probably my nosey assed neighbors. I had to try to save things. No, fuck that, I had to go through with it.
"Mark, I'm leaving you," I said. "I want a divorce." I put as much strength in my voice as I could muster. But all he did was laughed even more.
"The letter that you wrote me made me stop and wonder why. But I guess you felt like you had to set things right," he laughed.
His words chilled me to the bone. Was the bastard psychic? No one knew about that God damned letter. Even CJ had no idea that I'd written Mark a letter. The letter was supposed to go along with the divorce papers and it explained my feelings on our marriage and where we went wrong. It also explained in detail exactly what Mark had to do to win me back from CJ.
"Mark we need to talk about this," I mumbled. "I think when you get home we should..."
"Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky," he said. "You can see the stars and still not see the light (that's right)."
"Mark are you singing?" I asked. I had called the bastard to tell him that we were done and he was singing. He was pretending that he was glad I was leaving him to throw me off my game. "Mark if we ... If you don't make some changes, we WILL get this divorce," I said.
"Too late for that, Honey, I ... ooooof ... Ow that hurt," he said. And in the background I heard a woman's voice mumbling something about HER being the only woman he'd better be calling HONEY."
"Mark, it's never too late," I said. "Why is it too late, Mark?"
"Cause I'm already gone," he sang. "And I'm feelin' strong.
I will sing this vict'ry song, woo-oo-oo, my my, woo-oo-oo!"
"What the fuck do you mean, you're already gone?" I screamed into the phone. Suddenly the feeling I'd been having all morning intensified. I had a feeling of dread that must have been the way that Wile E. Coyote feels just before the rock that he dropped on the road runner starts looming over his own head.
I listened into the phone to hear Mark's answer but all I heard was a dial tone. I slammed the phone down on the bed beside me just as CJ ran back into the room.
The look of fear on his face was intense. "You need to get dressed and come downstairs," he said.
I threw on a robe and belted it to prevent my boobs from spilling out. There was a huge black woman with a clipboard standing in my fucking living room like she owned it.
"Who the Fuck are you?" I asked. "Get out of my house!"
She looked at me as if she was sizing me up and then turned her back on me. "I'm in a charitable mood," she said. "I know that your situation brings a lot of anger and resentment with it ... But the two things I will not tolerate are rudeness and any delay in my schedule. I have to have this house emptied by the end of the day. And I intend to do that. Out of that same Charity, I will allow you a few moments to gather your personal belongings and..."
"I'm not going anywhere," I said. "My husband and I own this house. It's almost paid for. CJ call the police."
"Yes," she said. "CJ call the police. That will speed things up. This house isn't almost paid for. It's totally paid for. This is probably going to be the most embarrassing moment of the rest of your life, lady." I glared at her and CJ pulled out his phone and dialed 911.
A few moments that seemed like forever passed and gave me the chance to think. I wondered then about what Mark had said. Woo-oo-oo my my Woo-oo-oo. What kind of God damned victory song was that? What kind of victory was he claiming? And then, Hank Key, the police chief, a personal friend of Mark's and mine arrived.
The woman stepped past me and handed Hank a stack of papers. He looked over them and nodded his head several times. Then he came over to me. He looked past me at CJ.
"Is that him?" he asked.
"Who?" I asked him back.
"Don't get testy," he said. "I was just wonderin' if that was the guy you was cheatin'on Mark with? It's pretty Damned cheeky of you to have him right here in Mark's house. Shit, I forgot. Mark sold the house..."
My head exploded. Before I could process what he'd just said a woman who was even bigger than the black woman elbowed her way through the moving crew.
"Is that him?" she asked. She walked a slow circle around CJ and then smiled at me. "They said you was stupid, but I had to see it myself."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked.
"Half of the women in town are wondering why you traded your husband in for a guy with a smaller dick and no income to speak of," she smirked. "Maybe there is some truth to the theory that when you put silicone in your tits, it rots your brain."
"Watch this Tina," said the police chief. He ambled over to CJ.
"Hey, Boy, Do ya know what a woman says to a guy with a really big dick?" he asked.
"No, I don't," said CJ.
"I do," said the chief. He and his fat, female deputy erupted in laughter.
"Can we get on with this?" asked the black woman.
"Right," said the Chief. "Anne, pack your shit and Git. Mark sold the house."
"But he can't," I screamed. "This is my house. I picked it."
"But he paid for it, Anne," said the chief. "He bought it with his own money. His name is the only one on the deed. He can do whatever he wants with it."
"Bullshit, the woman always gets the house in a divorce," I yelled.
"Not always," said the chief. "Besides you guys aren't getting a divorce."
"Yes we are," I said. "I'm going to file tomorrow."
"Well you should have filed last week because that was when he sold the house," snickered the chief.
"Isn't that illegal?" I asked.
"Nope," said the chief. "It's kind of sneaky and underhanded, kind of like fucking some scumbag while your husband is at work making the money to buy you all of this shit, but it's definitely legal."
"Shit," I said. "CJ get my lawyer on the phone, I have to call the bank and our investment firm."
"Do it outside," said the black woman. She gestured and her moving crew began taking the furniture out of the house.
"Where are they taking my furniture?" I asked.
"Your husband donated the furniture to the local charity auction house, "she said. "You can always buy it back."
"I picked out every piece of that furniture and arranged it and..." I began.
"Maybe ya should have paid for some of it," snickered Tina. "Oh yeah, I forgot. Bleach prevents ya from working don't it?"
I ignored her and concentrated on the phone call to the bank. "Carly this is Anne Clayton ... Yes Mark's wife. Carly my lawyer is going to call you very soon to put a freeze on all of our accounts so I need to make a withdrawal before that..." she started talking to me in her extremely cheerful phone voice.
"Carly ... Business first," I said. "We can chit chat later. I'm going to need enough money to maintain the house and pay expenses for a while. Oh and when the freeze goes on, does it freeze only the current assets of the accounts or will Mark be able to route his direct deposit into another account?"
"Only the current contents of the accounts," she said. "But I think he already moved his direct deposit last week, when he quit his job."
"He did what?" I asked. "Oh shit, Carly I want to withdraw all of the money from our accounts. I want to put it all into a new account, okay?"
"Are you sure you want to withdraw all of it?" she asked.
"Hell yeah," I said. "Mark will have another job faster than Tina can empty a bucket of chicken wings, but that money is all I have until the courts agree on a divorce settlement."
"I'll have to write you a cashier's check for the amount and then you have to come in and deposit it into your new account," she said.
"Okay," I snapped just do it."
"It's done," she said. "As soon as you get here, I'll hand you a check for three dollars and eleven cents and you can..."
"What the fuck are you talking about, Carly," I screamed. "There's almost a half a million dollars in that account."
"There was..." she said.
"I know," I hissed. "That's how much there was last week."
"Chief that has to be illegal," I said.
"It ain't illegal," he said. "But it is kind of bad."
"Huh?" I said.
"Yep," he said. "The bank has a minimum balance rule. If your account balance dips below fifty bucks you have to pay a ten dollar fee. You ain't got enough money left to even pay the fee."
CJ handed me the phone and I started speaking to my lawyer in a rapid fire mix of words and sobs.
I told him about Mark selling the house and draining all of the money out of the bank accounts. As I spoke I had logged onto our investment account and found that Mark had cashed out all of our investments. He left only a single share of stock in a company that made cheese.
"That's pretty fucking smart," said my lawyer. "He beat you to the punch. It's all very legal. Up until the divorce is filed he can do whatever he wants with all of his assets. So he took everything. He's probably going to cash everything out and put it in a lot of offshore accounts that we can't touch. He wants to bring his net worth down to the point where you won't get shit in the divorce. And quitting his job is brilliant. When he shows up in court with no money and no job, you two will just walk away, even."
"I don't think he's going to show up at all," I said. "I think he's left town. I think he left me before I could leave him. I have no idea where he is."
"Hey," asked my lawyer "How are you going to serve the papers on him if you don't know where he is?"
"Can't I divorce him without all of that?" I asked. "What about abandonment?"
"In this state that takes three years. Do you have enough money to hold out for that long?" he asked.
"Remember, I just told you that he took all of our fucking money, you moron," I hissed.
"Wow," he said. "No money means you can't pay m ... Click"
Again all I heard was the dial tone. But added to it was the sound of three fatties snickering at me under their breath.