Yes ladies and Gents, it has happened again. My adorable wife has gone into our iTunes folder and discovered one of my songs from the 80's that she (born in 85) doesn't remember ever hearing. The song is Your Love, which is, I believe, the only hit by the Outfield. So after her playing it a hundred times over the past few days it got stuck in my head and this popped out. This one is short(er) and more fun than usual. The next one will probably be a Halloweeny story. Thanks to the great Barney-R for his editing chops especially on short notice. Gents and Ladies let's go back to the 80's. SS06
"Why's your sister here?" I asked my wife Josie as I looked at her suitcase. "She gives me the creeps."
"Wayne, my sister is the least creepy girl on the planet," replied Josie. "Can you hurry up? We're gonna be late."
"She's always staring at me," I said. "Sometimes I feel like a fuckin' antelope around her."
"Wayne you run fast, Honey, but not that fast," she laughed. "My sister makes you feel like an antelope. I have to tell her that. There are legions of men following my sister around like she's the messiah and she makes you feel a deer. You're gonna have to explain that Honey, but keep packing."
"Okay," I said. "Imagine yourself on the plains. You are an antelope. You are the biggest fastest antelope in the whole fuckin' jungle. You are the shit. That's me." She giggled. I loved her laugh. It made her seem even younger than her twenty seven years.
"Okay, I am an antelope. And I'm the shit," she giggled. "I'm the fastest God Damned antelope in the whole fuckin' jungle."
"No you're not," I said. "I am, remember. I just wanted you to imagine how I feel."
"Okay, Honey, but what does you being an antelope have to do with your hands being on my tits?" she asked.
"I can do whatever I want," I said. "I'm the shit, remember? Anyway ... I'm an antelope and I'm the shit. Until your sister comes along. I notice her and fear runs through me like shit through a goose. Your sister is a cheetah, and she's hungry. Guess what's on the menu?"
"A shitty Antelope?" she asked.
"Exactly," I said. "And around her, I am no longer the shit. She is shittier than me and I know it. What's worse is that she knows it. So she sits there on a tree limb watching me. It's a game to her. But it's my fuckin' life.
She just sits there watching me. She's waiting for me to make a move. Common sense tells me not to run. My brain tells me not to run because I'll just be tired when I die. But everything written into my DNA tells me to run. Of everyone in the herd I have the best chance to get away. I start breathing harder.
Then I realize that she's not really watching me. She's watching the entire herd. One of the smaller bucks kicks up his heels like he's gonna run. I know that she'll catch his clumsy ass before he goes three steps. He has no chance. He's just a fart with delusions of being the shit.
He kicks up his heels again and she slowly turns her head towards him. I take off, like I'm jet propelled. I am leaping and running and tearing up ground like the shit that I know I am. I am lightning personified. I am the quintessential avatar of motion. I am a fuckin' idiot. I feel her claws rake my hind quarters and suddenly I can no longer run.
There's blood all over the ground. It's mine of course. She was never looking at the entire herd. She only wanted me. She wanted me because, I was wrong. This was never a game to her. It was always about food for her babies. I'm the biggest. So I'm the most food. And I was never the shit.
As she rips out huge chunks of my flesh, she doesn't rejoice or do a little dance. It's just another day at the office for her and..."
"And will you please finish packing my God Damned suitcase before I drop you off at the loony bin," said Josie.
"Wayne, my little sister does not eat shit," she said. "She does not want to do you any harm, silly. If she ever tried ... she'd get a chance to see what a lioness does to a cheetah. Wayne, I shouldn't be telling you this but Alyssa has a crush on you. She has ever since she was a kid. But you're mine. So give her a break."
"Oooookay," I said with as little sarcasm as I could muster.
"I'm serious, Wayne," she said. "You should be flattered. Alyssa is younger than I am. She's prettier than I am and she's built better. A lot of guys would be happy."
"A lot of guys don't love their wives as much as I love you," I said. I held up my wedding ring so she could see it.
"I love you so much, Wayne," she gushed.
"Why don't you have a swim suit?" I asked.
"This is a business trip, Honey," she smiled. "If I was going for fun, you'd be coming with me. But this is a quick three day, take no prisoners assault. We go in, have a quick intro meeting. Visit their plant, make a proposal, negotiate a price and come home. We'll have no time for beaches or swimming pools."
"Okay, you're all packed," I said.
"Come here, love of my life," she growled. The kiss we exchanged was soft and warm, but hot at the same time."
"Josie, you're going to be late," said a voice behind us. I turned and looked into two eyes so deep they swallowed my soul.
There stood Alyssa, my wife's nineteen year old sister. Josie is five foot two and compactly built. She has big boobs and a big butt. Men have been known to get off of elevators just to follow her butt.
Alyssa on the other hand was five nine and defied anatomical physics. Her waist was so tiny you could get both of your hands around it and your fingers would touch. Yet her boobs were somehow the same size as Josie's. But coming off of that tiny waist and rib cage made them seem much bigger.
Her butt wasn't nearly as big, but it had the same shape and the same fullness. Her legs were at least a mile long and they were shaped like a dancer's.
Josie had dark hair, like their dad. She kept it cut short so it was easy to manage. Alyssa on the other hand had long strawberry blond hair with waves that flowed down her back.
They both had the same incredible gray eyes and right then Alyssa was using hers on me.
"I'll carry that bag down to the car, Wayne," she said.
"Thanks Alyssa," I said.
"Any time, Wayne. You're family. I love you," she said.
"Hey, what about me?" asked Josie.
"You're kind of a bitch, Sis," she said. Josie stuck her tongue out at her sister's departing back and pulled me in for another kiss.
"You rest up Mister," she said. "When I get back, I'm gonna give you a workout. You'll be walking funny for days." She reached around and slapped me on the butt.
"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you to the airport?" I asked. I picked up her other suitcase. "Jeezus, what's in here?"
"My Laptop, my projector. All the stuff I need for the presentation and a few odd and ends that you couldn't get into the bag you packed," she said. "Honey if you and I were going, I'd need two or three bags of just clothes. I have to look my best to keep my man interested. But for a business trip one bag of clothes, my carry-on bag and another bag of equipment is fine."
"That is so wrong," I said.
Josie turned and looked at me. I didn't catch it then, but her reaction was one of nervousness or fear.
"What's wrong, Honey?" she asked. The playfulness was gone from her face. And she looked afraid.
"If you and I were going and you wanted to look your best, you wouldn't pack any clothes at all," I said. She came back across the room and we were kissing again.
"Tick tock," said Alyssa behind us again.
Josie glanced at her watch and started cursing. "Fuck, I'm late," she said.
"Not yet," said Alyssa. "But I have a feeling that you will be." She had the weirdest, dead pan, Wednesday Adams look on her face.
"Alyssa, someday you'll meet a man that you won't be able to keep your hands off of too," I said.
"I already have," said Alyssa. "That's kind of what I wanted to talk to Wayne about. I don't know much about boy/girl relationships. This is my first one."
"Wow," I said. "I'd have thought that someone who looks like you would have to beat the boys off with a stick." Alyssa smiled so hard she glowed.
"I have been," she said. "And I'm pretty good with that stick. I have to make sure that only the right guy gets through it. That's why I need the advice from a male perspective."
"You could talk to your dad," I said. Both sisters laughed.
"Josie, you really need to get your ass in gear," said Alyssa. I grabbed Josie's hand and walked her downstairs to her car.
"Honey, if you're late, I could take you," I said pointing to my Mustang. It sat in our driveway looking as if it was ready to run. Beside Josie, my Mustang was my favorite thing.
"We both know that I'll never get all three of my bags in that car," giggled Josie. She reached up to kiss me.
"Tick Tock," said Alyssa behind us again. Josie smiled and shook her head. "Honey, be nice to her. Have this little talk with her. She's the only sister I have. Besides it will keep you from missing me too much. Spend some time with her. You guys need to bond."
"But look at her," I whispered. "She's perched on the porch like a cheetah waiting for a shitty antelope." Josie burst into laughter.
"Honey, a cheetah is the wrong type of pussy for you to be thinking about," she said. "You should be focused on the one between my legs. You should be thinking about how eager I'll be to give to the guy who helps my little sister out."
"I've already told John that I won't go on anymore business trips without you," she told me as she got into her car.
.... There is more of this story ...