I reckon not keeping up on the news and what's happening in the rest of the world can sure shake a feller up. I know when I got into town I was sure surprised to see all these soldier boys standing around in uniforms I didn't recognize.
At first I thought maybe we'd been invaded by the Russians or something like that, but I could tell they wasn't Russians right away. While all them military types was big boys, six foot plus and built like the Hulk, they wasn't all blue eyed and blond like that feller Rocky kicked the shit out of in that show I saw one time down to my Uncle Ray's.
Anyways, I'd come into town to get some Miracle Grow, and I'll tell you something else, the feller that invented that stuff has got be worth a zillion bucks. Why, I grow the best weed in five states, and that stuff is worth its weight in gold. Course, the stuff I grow is too.
Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked from my story here. I had to stop of at the post office to pick up the mail, like I did a couple of times a year. It was mainly Pa's titty magazines, which I think all the boys at the post office read cause they knew we didn't come to town much, and a couple of letters from Cousin Jim, who was over fighting the rag heads in some desert country.
This feller, one of them big soldiers, asked me if I had my card. I thought he was trying to get me to sign up for one of them credit cards, but ever since Bobby, that's my brother, got one and we started having folks show up wanting money for the things he'd ordered off the TV, we didn't allow no one in the family to have one. So I told the feller no thanks, real polite like since he was so big, and headed on in to get Pa's bathroom reading for him.
When I come back out he was waiting there for me, the soldier boy that is. He told me the President said I had to be tested for this card, and since we'ens have always done our patriotic duty, I follered him inside this truck thing they had all set up like a building. He told a second soldier boy there that I had to be tested, although he figured I wouldn't score to good. I wasn't sure what kind of test I was taking and worried cause I hadn't gotten to study for it none.
The second feller allowed as how the first was right and led me to this little room with just a chair and a computer screen. He did some things I don't remember and then I was talking to this sexy sounding woman. Her voice was better'n the one I heard on the phone the night Bobby called one of those numbers you see on the TV late at night.
Only it wasn't really a woman at all. Seems it was some kind of computer which really shocked me, since I didn't know computers could talk, let alone have sexy voices. Anyway, she asked me a bunch of questions, but I don't remember what they were.
Seems though that this computer worked for some aliens, (I guess Cousin Stewie was right all along) and they was here to help us humans fight against these other aliens that was like locusts or something.
'Cept that wasn't sure we would be ready for the fight when it came, so these good aliens are helping some humans escape Earth, so as they could keep fighting should Earth get eaten.
Anyways, this computer asked me a lot of questions about a lot of stuff. It told me some stuff I didn't know and then asked some more questions. Finally she said I was done and when I got up I was all stiff like I'd been sitting there for hours.
So I go out to the desk like she says and this feller behind it looks at this card thingy and says that something was wrong. He must have pushed some button 'cause the first feller, the one that told me I had to get one of these here cards, he comes in and looks at the card too.
"This can't be right," he says and gets this funny look on his face. I found out later he was talking with that woman computer that asked me all the questions. Kinda weird that, talking to someone in your head. I'd think maybe he needed some testing, but I do it now too so...
I'm getting ahead of myself again. So this feller hands me my card, kinda grinning silly like. "So, do you want to volunteer for the Confederacy?" he asks.
"I thought they wasn't around anymore," I told him. "I mean, since the North won the War and all." He looked kinda funny, like he was trying not to laugh, but it wouldn't have bothered me none if he had. I've always thought if there were more laughing in this world there'd be a lot less fightin'.
"No, not that Confederacy," he tells me. "The Confederacy Space Marines is what I was talking about. We're going out there, into space, and fighting the Sa'arm before they get here. We're also putting humans on planets out there, lots of planets, just in case we can't beat them before they destroy Earth."
"I'd sure like to help you fellars," I says, "but Pa and the others need my help at home. Sissy's about ready to have her baby and Ma's down in the back so right now ain't a good time for me to be going no where."
"Well, in the past we've gotten special permission for high CAP score volunteers to bring along family members," one of the fellars said. "Let me check on it for you. How many people would we be talking about?" he asked.
Well I thought it over and realized the only one who'd probably come along would be Sissy. She was knocked up and ready to pop any day. But she'd be glad to get away as that no account Seth Waters, the fellar who knocked her up, was claiming he wasn't the father.
Hell, he even suggested I was the baby's daddy, but Sissy and I never did nothing like that. Sure we fooled around a bit when we was younger, playin' doctor and all, but I'd never fucked her. Still, that kinda thing happened out our way from time to time so they was some that believed him.
Ma and Pa wouldn't go no way no how. Pa, he spent most his time drunk nowadays, and Ma, she was getting up in her rockin' years and with Cousin Ed and his ole' lady there to help out, I reckon Sissy and I wouldn't be missed to awful much. Still it just seemed wrong, running from a fight.
"Don't worry, when the Sa'arm actually get here, we'll all be here for the fight," the big fellar told me when I explained to him my thinkin'. "I can get the AI (whoever that was) to guarantee you'll get to return to Earth when the Sa'arm get here if that would help you make up your mind."
"In the meantime, you can be training to fight them," the other fellar said. I allowed as how I already knew a sight about fightin', but he says this was gonna be a whole 'nother kind of fight. I told them fellars I'd think it over some and headed outside.
If'n I could catch Pa sober I'd like to get his thinking on it. Drunk he weren't much good for nuttin' but sober he was still a pretty smart man. Problem was he weren't sober all that much these days. I figured he was drinking himself into a hole, a dirt one, but Ma allowed as how loosing six kids would lead a body to drinking.
When I stepped outside I got a hell of a shock. It was near dark, which confused me some, I'm here to tell you. Why, the sun'd been straight up when I went in that little trailer, and now it was way down in the west, just about settin'. Maybe that's why I didn't notice the fellars comin' across the streets with guns right off.
"Kill the traitor!" one of'm yelled and I heard a gun go pop. Now it weren't a big gun, just a little pop gun and I heard the bullet twang off the side of Pa's old Ford. It t'weren't the first time I'd been shot at, but that's a whole 'nother tale, so I'll get back to this'n.
It was about two steps to Pa's truck, I got long legs, and I yanked the door open, hoping the rusty hinge didn't break, and grabbed my old .30-06 of'n the seat. Another fellar yelled something about Earth coming first or sumthin' like that. I didn't catch all of it 'cause my ears were ringing from the boom of that old rifle.
That first fellar he folded over like he done got kicked in the guts by a mule, which it probably felt like it, and I was turning toward the second when I heard this buzzing sound and two of them just went limp and hit the ground.
They was three more still a comin', so I let the one with the M16 have it, he was the furthest back but with that gun I reckoned he was the most dangerous of the lot. He went down like a rag doll and it felt like someone hit me in the leg with a ten pound hammer.
I was trying to get back up when I heard that buzzing noise again and the shootin' stopped as sudden like as it started. One of the two soldier boys was down on his knee wrapping something around my leg and I saw blood squirtin' out a hole in my pants. That was the last thing I remember for sure, though I thought I heard sirens, way off a ways like.
The next thing I recall I was laying inside this tube thing. It had a clear lid like and I could see out, but I never did like tight places, well I guess I like some, but I started breathing hard and pounding on the lid. Some fellar dressed in a funny suit came and opened it, steppin' back a bit as I sat up.
The room looked all funny like, the walls were gray metal looking and there were things like TV screens everywhere. The fellar that opened the lid said he was a medical technician, whatever that is, and allowed as how they'd patched me up and I was good as new.
That reminded me of the hole in my leg and when I looked down I seen I was buck naked. I was some relieved to see Charlie didn't have no holes in him, which I'd worried about afore I passed out, seeing as how I tuck him down my left pant leg an that was the leg that'd got shot.
.... There is more of this story ...