Chapter 14

Suzanne arrived within ten minutes of Andrew at Warrender the next morning. Her smile was shy and tentative but it was great to see her. They didn’t swim for as long as usual and they both showered at the pool, rare for Suzanne. She waited at the foot of the stairs while he took their bags up to the flat. By unspoken agreement nothing was said between them until they were at the Meadows.

“I have a lot to say, and we have a lot to talk about, but first of all I want to say sorry for ignoring you for the last six months. We had a lovely summer, you took me through to the flat in Glasgow and then I just cut off all contact. I am going to try and explain why but it was unkind of me to dump you like that.”

Suzanne sighed and squared her shoulders.

“The short version is I listened to someone I should not have, got confused about a lot of things and it took me until now to realise that most of what I listened to was wrong. But enough of it was right that it makes going forward a challenge.”

She paused for a second before plunging on.

“So there was a woman in the flat Philomena who everyone called Phil. She was nice to me and we chatted away during the first week of term. The issues started when our other two flatmates went away for the weekend and it was just the two of us. Over too much red wine on the Friday night I drunkenly, and mistakenly, talked about me, about us and most damagingly about my sexuality. I don’t why I opened up like that but given everything that followed I must have subconsciously picked up a vibe off her. The following evening we drank some more, although not as much as the previous evening. And Phil propositioned me. Stupidly I succumbed to drunken horniness. She wasn’t you but she knew how to talk to me, how to make me feel, and I was missing you and I thought she was providing a convenient outlet until later in the term, or at worst Christmas. But then she started talking to me about how you were taking advantage of me, how you were bad for me. Nothing constant but a regular pattern of undermining you, and us. We became a couple, within the flat at least, and we shared a bed most nights. And way more nights than you and I did it, she bossed me around in bed.”

Suzanne stopped for a moment and without conscious thought Andrew took her hand. She looked down and a small sad smile crossed her face.

“I learned some terms for what we were stumbling about doing. I am submissive in the bedroom, that was the term that Phil used with me, and I want someone to dominate me, a dominant is the term she used. Now whether these are the right terms, or appropriate I don’t know but that is what she said to me and they resonate with me. And the whole in and out of the bedroom thing is very important to this. I was uncomfortable, confused, happy, satisfied, all at the same time and Phil continued to run you down on top of that. So I was dealing with you not being there, being dominated way more than I had ever been before, being manipulated by a crafty bitch, more on her in a bit. Oh and I was in a same sex relationship on top of that. All in all it was a mess. So this lasted through the Christmas break, as you know I was hardly home, and I hid from you while I was here.

“But I knew something was not right. And this is where the difference with me in the bedroom, and me out of the bedroom, shows up. Phil started to try and force me to do stuff outside the bedroom and it felt completely alien. I was happy to behave how she wanted in the bedroom but it was not my whole life. Now Phil had tried this once or twice in first term but I had ignored it and she didn’t push the issue. This time she kept pushing at it, trying to embarrass me in the flat, even one night when we were out. And that was the discordant bell that finally woke me up. Some of what I discovered about myself was a revelation and it has sorted some things out in my head, made me realise what I want and need in my life. But the most important thing that all this has shown me is how well you treated me in all aspects of my life. I know that we have stumbled around with some of this stuff but through it all you were nothing but supportive, sometimes making yourself uncomfortable. So I stood up to her, later than I should have but I did. And things got ugly in the flat, as in lock your door at all times ugly.

“I don’t know what her issues are but she is scary and strange. Very manipulative and just constantly wheedling and moaning, altering between raging and begging. Just exhausting, not just for me but for the other two as well. And that is where Nikki and Fran have been wonderful. I moved out of the flat for the last three weeks of term and lived with them. I had gone to see them and they insisted that I should get away from the toxic environment. So I am going to stay with them until the end of the year and then see what next year brings.”

Andrew had swallowed his surprise and felt proud of his friends for helping Suzanne. But he let Suzanne continue to talk.

“So that is how I managed to screw up my life for the last two terms, and I feel that I have survived a lot of drama and am lucky to be mentally and physically okay at the end of it. Emotionally I am wrung out but a calm term with our friends and just concentrating on studying should sort me out. Phil is a post grad in anthropology so I don’t see her around the university. My moving out seems to have stopped a lot of drama in the flat, according to one of the others who is on my course.

“What is left is the positive part of the experience, the parts of me that I have come to learn and understand better.”

Suzanne was silent as if there was more that needed to be said. They came up to a park bench and Suzanne directed them over to it.

“I don’t know why I am so reticent to talk about this. Okay. This is six months of hard earned experience and I think this is who I am. It is who I am at the moment anyway. When it comes to sex I am submissive. There is nothing that I did with Phil that I had not already experimented with you. We just did it longer, harder, more often. And I loved it. Phil took control and it resonated with me as if I was a human tuning fork. But I also know that I am not like that with stuff outside sex. Not in the slightest, and it was that dichotomy that broke through some of the issues that I had been struggling with. So submissive about sex but eager and determined to be in charge in the rest of my life.”

Again there was a pause.

“The part that took me a long time to understand and accept was I need a dominant in my sex life. I want someone who gets off on dominating me.”

She looked at Andrew with watery eyes.

“Not someone who is doing it to help me, to please me, to help me learn about myself. It has to excite them to dominate me, to take away my control. I get off knowing that the other person needs to dominate me. And that is scary and selfish and ungrateful and.”

Suzanne was unable to say anything else. The tears that had been threatening to fall just came out in floods. Andrew put his arm round her and embraced her, hugged her gently. Neither of them said anything, Andrew focused on the moment, on supporting Suzanne, on comforting the woman he knew best in the whole world. Slowly the tears started to lessen and he dug out his, fortunately clean, handkerchief and let Suzanne dry her face. She calmed but sat quietly leaning against him.

“Will you please say something Andrew. I am frightened of your silence, of what you think of me.”

“You have had a pretty rotten time these last two terms. Let me ask you a couple of things. How is the course? Are you still on top of everything?”

“I am staying on top of stuff Andrew. I really do just slavish follow your habits now. With all this drama I retreated to the library a lot.”

He smiled.

“I am glad that your academic work is fine. I could tell this morning that you are still exercising regularly as well.”

“Yes. I study and exercise every day during the week. I swim a lot, not as much as I would like to but a lot.”

“You have unburdened yourself of a lot of stuff, both good and bad. All I can think about is that I am happy that my friend is back in my life. Sure we have a shit load to talk about and a lot to deal with but I don’t care right at this moment. I have missed you terribly and want to take you back to our flat, make you some tea and sit with you on the couch. Maybe talking but probably not, just enjoying some Suzanne time.”

That merely made her cry again but the squalls were shorter this time and they walked hand in hand back to the flat. Twenty minutes later two mugs of tea were on the coffee table and Suzanne was lying on the couch with her head in his lap.

“It is not supposed to be this easy Andrew. Don’t you ever get upset at anything.”

“What is the point of getting upset at the woman I know better than any other in the whole world. My very closest friend. Since we finished school there has been no one in my life more important than you. The whole expiration date thing had upset me for quite a while. I know I have no idea what I want long term in life but I always want you to be in it. Will it change? Maybe, but I hope in the way that it has with Leslie and Julian.”

“But I told you that you weren’t enough for me. I need more.”

How he managed to keep his face still Andrew never knew. Until that moment Suzanne had not said the words, although it was obvious from everything she had said. Andrew had just not joined the dots. He managed to talk quietly but his brain was churning.

“I heard all that and I know it is something that has to be dealt with. All I would say is that I want to let it sink in, think about it and then figure it out. It was the part that you found the hardest to talk about, the most upsetting to you. Is it the part you need us to deal with first? Or is it part of the whole package.”

“I don’t know. You are right though, it is the part I have built up to be the biggest deal in my mind. I worry that it is pointless working on other things until that is dealt with.”

“Okay. So the course and the exercise are going well and there are no issues with that part of your life. Is that right?”

“Yes, you’re correct, no issues.”

“You understand yourself better and recognise that your submissive tendencies or nature do not manifest themselves outside of sex. You are a modern liberated woman who wants a career and expects to be treated well in and out of the workplace?”

“I am not sure of the words ‘modern’ and ‘liberated’ but the sentiment is right. I want to succeed in whatever I choose as my career. It is even more important to me now, almost a balance to the other stuff.”

“So let’s talk about the sex, since you want my initial thoughts. Men, women, both, not sure?”

Suzanne laughed for the first time, perhaps all day.

“Purely objectively. No self-interest?”

The first signs that all was not as dark as she thought it was. She sighed as she thought.

“I would prefer someone like Phil who understood me and my nature and got off on it over a man who did not understand me. But under the category of wanting to have my cake and eat it too, I want a man who understands me like Phil. But they need to be my opposite half.”

Suzanne’s voice trembled but she pulled herself back under control.

“I was so upset earlier for multiple reasons. I felt like I was rejecting you and that I was throwing back into your face all the things that you have done for me over the last two years, including going against your nature. But then overlaid on top of all that is the concern about what now? How do I live my life? I have been trying to understand my nature for years. From the whole denial of it, to the baby steps with you, the very grown up steps with you, to now this last six months. I have come to be able to define what I want while also knowing what I don’t want. I am scared I am going to deal with boring Joe’s who do nothing for me, or scary Phil’s who may physically and emotionally hurt me. I am just a smutty version of Goldilocks, too plain, too intense, I need just right. Nothing has changed from the start of the term 10 minutes before Phil moved into the flat. I have a better understanding of what I want but no way to safely find a partner.”

Suzanne squeezed her eyes shut to stem the threatened tears.

“I love you Andrew, you are the most important person in my life. Just sitting here with you is comforting. Just to hear you talk about our flat, your acceptance and forgiveness of me. I feel like I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve your friendship.”

Andrew thought for a long time thinking about the way forward.

“I don’t know what you want to hear Suzanne. I leave on Sunday morning and don’t plan to be back until the end of term. I will be here less than a week and then it is the same as last summer. I will probably only have two weeks holiday at the end of the summer. Now I can arrange to come back and see you during the summer, the same as I did last year. Leslie and Julian have their own lives to lead now, and sure I will be up here but it is going to start to decrease. One of the things you haven’t described or explained is whether you want me in your life, how much and what our relationship is going to be. This is your flat too, your haven and the place where you can be yourself. As you saw on Saturday I have a new Golf and you can have the spare key for that too. You are my friend and I trust you. But you have to decide what I am to you beyond your friend.”

Andrew managed, just, to keep any bitterness out of his voice.

“You were clear that you want and need more than I can give. All of this is new to me and my only immediate response is that we have grown and changed over the last five years. Do you think that we have hit a plateau?”

Suzanne had sniffled as he spoke but her response was immediate, it was an answer she had thought about in advance.

“You get excited when I get excited, my desires and fulfilling them for me turns you on, which starts to build a positive feedback loop, as you have described it an Escher picture of sex. But what I need is more like a chicken and an egg. I can’t totally let go unless I know you are getting off on controlling me, and it is my enjoyment that lets you get to that place. What comes first? Pun intended. All your life you have treated your partner better than you have treated yourself, and I know it. You are the least dominant man of a woman, in real life, of anyone I know. It is your nature to be respectful. What I need is someone who stiffens at the thought of controlling me, tying me up, taking me. It is not just that I need that, I need to know that the other person is the other side of the coin. And you are not.”

She wasn’t wrong. Andrew was rapidly falling back into being the safe one, the one that someone else could rely on until they found themselves, or in Suzanne’s case, she found someone better. Hmmm. Andrew sat there with Suzanne thinking about all this. Can you learn to be a dominant? Or is it innate as Suzanne’s nature appeared to be. It wasn’t something learned, this wasn’t piano lessons. Even if he could learn to be a dominant, did he want to be one? Did he want to be the kind of guy who got excited about tying women up? To be honest, Andrew felt trapped. And not sure how to escape, or even whether he wanted to. Andrew had attracted more than his share of complicated girlfriends.

“I should go Andrew.”

“You don’t have to. This is your home too. Don’t you want a bit of peace and quiet or do you need to reconnect with the family?”

“No, I have done all that. It just feels strange being here with you, after everything I have dumped on you.”

“It is up to you. I am away early on Sunday morning, am in Glasgow seeing your flatmates on Thursday but other than that have no plans.”

Suzanne decided not to stay but did agree to meet him at the pool the following morning. Baby steps.

Andrew walked for hours that day. There was no point in pretending to study. The situation with Suzanne was too fucked up. What was most troubling was that he didn’t know what she wanted going forward, well other than someone else. That would need to be sorted out before he left. It felt like they couldn’t go back to how they were before, she had bluntly told him that she needed more. The only person Andrew could ‘practice’ on was Suzanne and that didn’t feel right. It seemed to him that their physical relationship was over. Suzanne needed a friend, a flatmate, someone that she could trust and talk to. But Andrew knew that the terrible little voice in his head would be second guessing anything else they did together and so, wittingly or unwittingly, Suzanne had slammed that door closed. He supposed it was going to happen one day and it was now. Amsterdam marked the end of them as a couple and the change to just friends. It upset him a lot more than he thought it would.

Wednesday morning was a repeat the pattern of the day before and once again they were back walking and talking.

“I told you what was happening with my life over the next 9 months Suzanne. I am only going to be in Edinburgh for three weeks before the end of term one in December. What do you want to do?”

“If I asked you to come up during the summer would you want to?”

“Of course I would. I got told off last summer by Leslie and so I was going to make the effort again this year, if only to give Jim and Freya some privacy.”

“You are staying with them again?”

Andrew nodded. Suzanne looked sad.

“I feel I have screwed this up, screwed us up. Are we ever going to get back to where we were?”

“You have changed Suzanne, you need and want something more. So no I don’t think so. Our friendship will deepen and evolve but what we had in the past won’t be repeated.”

Maybe it was too blunt but it was true. Suzanne had told Andrew yesterday what he had done for her was not enough. The silence was horribly long and uncomfortable but he wasn’t going to break it.

“I am going to stay with Mum and Dad until Sunday I think. I don’t know how I will cope with sleeping in my room with you in the house, too weird, too many memories. Thank you for the offer of the car, it will be nice to pop over and see Mum and Dad if I am staying here for the remaining two weeks of the holiday. I will write to you at Cambridge and hopefully the barriers and tension between us can start to ease. Let’s not make any plans for the summer until we see how we this coming term is.”

Suzanne’s hug was long and crushing but she quickly walked away to get a bus back to her parent’s house. They might have finally stopped digging but the hole was awfully deep.

Andrew had walked for hours the day before and had made no progress in his thoughts. His mind was too busy to relax and study so instead he beat the familiar path over to Tony’s shop. He was in the studio working, Stacey and an unnamed other assistant were busy in the shop and Andrew could hear work going on upstairs in what had been Tony’s flat. Elspeth had commandeered a corner of the storage area and was working at her desk. She had one of the boxes that Andrew had bought the previous week open beside her.

“Here he is, the man who thought I didn’t have enough to do.”

Andrew bent over and kissed her cheek. Elspeth whacked his arm.

“It is going to take more than a peck on the cheek to make it up to me Andrew McLeod.”

As soon as she said it, Elspeth immediately starting stammering ‘I didn’t mean it like that’, blushing and generally acting like a teenage girl. That Andrew just laughed and wiggled his eyebrows just made it worse. It took a minute or two for them both to settle.

“Oh goodness, did you hear me. Wait until I tell my Donnie.”

Elspeth shook her head, at herself as much as anything.

“Now that you have nicely managed to fluster me, what can I do for you? Tony has only just started, and will be in there for a couple of hours at least.”

“I have to finish up an album for a lady I shot last week, and I need to get details of another one, Jayne somebody, the sister of another lady I shot, back in.”

Andrew had to stop and think.

“I think it was Christmas but anyway, her sister wants to do a shoot.”