Chapter 4: Depression Again

Nights are the worst time of the day. That was when I really missed Karen the most. It was so difficult to lie in the bed where Karen and I slept, loved, and conceived each of our children. That was when I really missed Karen the most. I would lay awake and snippets of our life would pass before my mental eyes. There were good times and bad times, but they were times I spend with the love of my life and our children. Could I ever go forward, and relegate those memories to the past and have them stay there? I had somehow to go on, not only for my sake but for the sake of my children and the memory of their mother.

Children sometimes I think are more resilient to great sorry and pain. Yes, Karen had been with them all of their lives and had merely been in just over half of my life. However, they had their whole lives ahead of them while if I was lucky. I might have at most have another five to ten more years left before I was too old even to hope that I could find love again.

Could Caryn be my last hope for love again, but if not, then would I be condemned to a life of being alone?

I figured I would have four or five more years with Angela to be here at home, but maybe less depending upon where she wanted to go to college. Then I would be all alone again, but this would be for the rest of my life; however, long that might be. God please don't condemn me to a life of loneliness. I may not make it if that is the case.

On that note, I must have fallen asleep because I don't remember anything after that thought.

When I awoke Saturday morning, I was tangled in the sheets and felt like I had been run over with a steam roller. I had a bitching headache; I was in a sour mood, and my mouth felt like George Washington's army had camped in it for a month.

What did I do or have to eat or drink that gave me that sour mouth? I wondered what I could have done to feel this way. Well, lying in bed wasn't going to change my predicament, so I might as well get up and try to get rid of this taste in my mouth. I brushed my teeth twice and then gargled with mouthwash and felt a little better. At least, I could stand my own breath. Now for a shower to see if I can work any of these kinks out of my back and limbs.

After a long hot shower, I felt somewhat better, but I needed food. When your stomach is chewing up your back bone and growling I think it is trying to tell you something. Now not feeling good enough to stand around and cook something I grabbed my keys and took my truck to the closest breakfast eatery. There was a really nice little cafe about six blocks from the house that served a great meal, so I headed there.

I sat down in an empty booth and ordered coffee, water and two aspirins first. Once the aspirins went down the hatch, I ordered eggs, bacon, hash browns, and wheat toast. About halfway through that big meal, I started to feel a little better. Maybe the aspirins were kicking in.

I mused that I couldn't figure out why I was tangled up this morning or why I had the sour mouth. Last night, from what I remember, was quite pleasant with my talk with Caryn and the trip we planned for Worlds of Fun. So why would I be like this today? Did my subconscious find some reason to make my life miserable once more? Was it trying to tell me something or was I just paranoid about being alone once again?

Who could tell? I needed to return to my life, and I had still had many things to finish this weekend. The lawn needed mowing; the hedges and bushes needed trimming, and the car and truck needed washing. Plus who knows what else would need my attention before the weekend was over. James should have been the one to help, but with all his activities, he hardly had time to eat and sleep, let alone do chores around the house. However, that isn't to say he had no chores. But since he got older, the normal chores like the lawn and car washing kind of fell to me. That isn't to say that he did nothing. He still took care of his room, did his own laundry, and took out the garbage and recycle materials every time they were full. He also took out the bins to the road on trash day.

James had a job lined up for the summer, and Angela did some babysitting for our neighbors. Nevertheless, for the most part, I was alone. Sure I had three teenagers, but they were rarely all home at the same time. I still had no idea why I was dreading the changes when Angela left for college.

There was no sense in just sitting around worrying about something I couldn't even begin to understand, let alone control. So off to work I went.

It was close to 5:00pm by the time I had finished up with the mowing, trimming, and washing both vehicles. I sat in my recliner resting as I thought of my predicament. I guess I would lose my truck to James once he started college. I might just buy him a used smaller truck for him and keep the big truck for me; or conversely the other way around. I had a four-year-old Dodge 1500 crew cab long bed and then Karen's car was a three-year-old Dodge Sebring Convertible. You can see we liked Chrysler's products. We never had any problems with them, and we used the same salesman and dealer for years, so we got pretty good deals on our vehicles.

Soon Angela will need a car, and I guess she could use Karen's convertible. Yeah, I think a good used small truck like a Dakota or maybe even a Chevy Colorado would be great for me driving back and forth to work. I probably didn't any more than that.

I guess I dozed off there for a while as it was dark when I awoke. Maybe I should eat some dinner and try to work my finances and pay bills and see what we would have to spend at Worlds of Fun.

As I was going through the mail, I found a letter from the insurance company that we used for our life policies. There was a check inside for $50,000.00 from Karen's life insurance. And there was one from another insurance company with another check for almost $25,000. That must have been from Karen's work. Well, I guess I didn't have to worry about finances for a little while. I would put the checks in the bank on Monday and see about getting the taxes paid on the money, so I wouldn't get a big bill for it later next year at tax time. I would talk to my friend who was a CPA to see if I owed any taxes on the money.

I didn't really feel like making anything, and so I nuked a TV diner, and then sat at the kitchen table and ate alone. I could just see my future sitting here eating nuked frozen dinners for the rest of my life. God I had to get out of this dreary mood. Maybe something on TV tonight would cheer me up.