Wood Clubs Work Best

by Tamalain

Copyright© 2014 by Tamalain

High Fantasy Story: No good deed goes unpunished as the Green Brothers found out. Their story of how they came to flee Kelethin and never returned.

Tags: High Fantasy   Fan Fiction  


Everquest and all its associated items and names and locations are the sole properties of Sony Online Entertainment.

I am just writing in EQ/EQ2 universe for fun and mean no harm.

Stave Green slowly donned his armor and weapons, wishing he did not have to face another day of this insane guard post. He and his brother Heart Green had the sad duty of guarding the Princess of the Fay. Now some might think this is an easy assignment, but...

"I told you I wanted cherries, not grapes!" screeched a harsh girl's voice. The voice had the kind of sound that causes most sane males to take up residence in another land, or maybe another plane of existence for their sanity's sake and manhood.

"Madam, I have told you time after time, cherries are out of season so are not available this time of year." Her cook was sweating and just about ready to quit this job. He would only be the fifth cook this summer to have done so.

"I don't care about seasons, I want cherries. If you can't get me cherries right now, go away you useless troll," screamed the Princess. She may be only one foot tall to an Elvin, but she was louder than a pike stuck Orc.

That insult was the final straw to the over stressed chef. "Gladly I will go away from you, you foul tempered brat. I quit and may you choke on the first cherry pit you get!" He stormed out of the room slamming her doors as loudly as he could on the way out. He looked at the guards, "How do you two stay sane with that, that thing in there." He left before either could consider a reply.

The Princess shoved the abused doors open and started screaming after the now unemployed chef, "I will have you driven from Kelethin then the Faydark you useless slug! Run away like the stupid male coward you are!"

As she spun about to return to her chamber then stopped, she looked at the guards then said, "I swear, you two must be deaf mutes. Never a reaction or sound from either of you. I just know in the end, you will prove to be no different from all the rest. Just two more useless males, that's what all of you ever are." Both guards eyes seemed to glaze over a bit as she continued her tirade for several more minutes before storming back into her chambers, slamming the doors on the way in.

Several hours later after being relieved for the evening, "Heart, I'm telling you we have got to find a new assignment. I keep getting this vision of having her over my knee beating her bare ass with a spiked mace, and loving every second of it while laughing my head off in maniacal glee."

"I am not far behind you brother. Let's talk to the watch commander, see what he says." They both walked quickly away from the scene of their abuse to the building where the watch commander stayed hidden away.

"So you see sir, we really need to get away from her before we kill her." Heart was starting sound a touch hysterical as he made his statement.

"Is that all? You two have set a new record, 18 months on that duty. Nobody has ever lasted more than 6 months before. If all you want to do is kill her, you are still sane enough continue this duty I think," replied the commander.

"Actually we passed that stage about six months ago," said Stave. "Now I see myself waling on her ass with a spiked mace." Though he tried to suppress it, a slight giggle escaped him.

"I don't know if this is better or worse, I'm using a flaming torch on her ass," said Heart with just a touch of glee in his voice as a twisted grin touched his lips.

The Commander looked at both of them for a minute more and saw what he was afraid he would see, the light of insanity in their eyes. "You are both relieved of duty until further notice," he replied. "You are correct, you are both way beyond killing her. Take a few days off, decompress a little bit."

"Yes sir, thank you sir." Both had taken on maniacal grins that screamed, WE ARE FREE!

They fled the office before the watch commander could change his mind, not that he would in this case. He walked out to the outer office, "Bell, prepare their separation papers. Those two have lost it in a bad way. It's a wonder the princess is still in one piece."

"Yes sir, separation paperwork for the Green brothers coming right up." He pulled a folder out of a drawer in his desk and produced the nearly completed forms. "These only need the date and your signature sir."

"You had them ready already?"

"I drew them up they day those two where assigned here for their crimes sir. Nobody volunteers for this duty posting as you well know."

"What did they do to deserve this post if you happen to know so much."

"They arranged for a total nut case to be enrolled over at Trueshot. The guy almost turned the place upside down the first week. He sent five fifth years to the infirmary in one day, on his second day at the school.

"It turned out he was exiled from his family just before he came here. They did have a good reason for doing so, he had slaughtering an entire bloodline in that bunch."

"Yet he had reason enough to do what he did as well. They murdered his mother in front of him. It was a really nasty job to clean that place out. When the city guard and the Elven council got involved, it turned into a fight out there. When the guard arrived at the farm in question, the family refused to hand over the one man responsible for everything that had occurred. The family fought to the last man, woman and child."

"Ok, Now I wish I hadn't asked. How did those two get involved in that messed up situation."

"They were sent by the Fay queen to extract the boy before he was killed, they almost bungled that simple task."

"Do I want to know why?"

"Probably for the best if you don't know sir."

"Good, I am out for a staff meeting, finish the paper work and have them on my desk today. We are cashiering then out of the service before sundown, for their sanity sake."

"Very good sir," he made a few marks on each, shuffled them into a neat stack and dropped them in the out box.

Late that night, the very drunk brothers returned to their quarters to sleep off a large supply of wine they had both taken on. Heart was just aware enough to see the folder on his bunk, Stave just fell on his and snored. He picked it up, tried to open it and found his hands no longer worked. He dropped it and the lights went out.

First call found two very miserable hung over Elven staring at the papers that had been left in their quarters for them to find. "Heart, am I reading this right? We are being dismissed from the service for sanity issues and are to report to the pursers office for final pay?"

"It sure looks that way to me. Let's get cleaned up, get paid, then get the hell out of here before she starts hunting for us when we don't show up at her door today."

"Yeah, about that, where will we go and what will we do."

"Not sure on the where yet, as to the what, that is easy. We are both Master Wood crafters. I say we go back to that and make a killing."

"Not a bad idea, but look at how many shops there are in Kelethin, we wouldn't have a chance against the larger established shops."

"What about the outlying areas outside the city."

"Wouldn't work Heart, this city is all about wood work, There is just not a chance here for us to break into the overloaded market."

They had been slowly moving towards the Pursers office when they heard a scream of rage from above them. "Where are my favorite Deaf Mute guards! You two move to much, stand still both of you." She went to the ledge and the new guards had to follow her. She looked over the edge searching for the brothers.

Heart and Stave went from slow walk to running for their lives. "We can't let her see us Stave."

"No kidding, run faster brother, run faster!"

They ran as fast as they could to the office they needed to visit. Once there, they charged inside without knocking and slammed the door, leaning against as if a monster were on the other side hunting them.

The Purser looked up and noted their presence and smiled grimly at them. "You both understand why you..."

"Yes we know, let us just sign the papers, get our pay and run away as fast as we can. She is out there hunting for us now." Heart was panicking badly and the Purser decided these two didn't need his normal, painful way of doing paperwork.

"Yes, very well." He laid out a dozen forms and told each were to sign, then pulled out two large folders filled with coins. "One hundred Platinum's each for separation pay. Papers look good, here are your copies, enjoy your new found freedom gentlemen, if you can escape her wrath, good luck to both of you."

While this was going on the streets had turned in to chaos, the princess was on a rampage of epic scale. She wanted the two guards back right now or she would not be happy at all, nor would she allow anybody else in the city to be happy as long as she wasn't happy.

Heart slowly cracked the door open and peaked out. "No sign of her, we need to get ground side fast."

"Yeah, but then what do we do."

"We hit the stables and run for the Butcherblock border. There is a village up there. We may be able to hide out for a few weeks until she settles down."

"If you two don't mind, close the door please, the draft is mussing my papers," grumped the annoyed paper pusher.

The brothers slipped out the door, closing it quietly so not to draw to much attention to themselves. The route they needed follow to leave this level of the city went right by the royal platforms and that meant there was a greater chance of her catching them. It was the only way down from here, unless they jumped of course. That just was not a good option for them, they were over 300 feet above the forest floor here, and they didn't have wings.

They made it to the nearest down ramp and moved as quickly as they dared. The screams had continued to grow more strident as the minutes slipped away. On the third ramp down, their fears where finally realized, she had spotted them and was in hot insane screaming pursuit.

"There you are! I see you two trying to sneak away! Stop right now, I command you to stop!" Her screams did the exact opposite. She jumped off the ledge and used her small wings to hover down right at them.

They both saw her do this and started running for their very lives. They set what they later learned was a new nonfatal descent record as they fled the nightmare princess. By the time they reached ground level both were screaming in absolute mindless terror.

At the nearest stables, "We need horses, fast long lasting horses. She is after us, please, horses now." Stave was in tears begging the stable master.

The stable master realized who the she was when he heard the screams coming from far above. "Over here, these two will get you to the Swayback Inn and stables. You can change up mounts there. Here, let me help you get this loaded. By the way, that will be two gold's each please. Heart tossed six gold at the stable master, and mounted up.

"Come on Stave mount up, we have to go now. She will catch us if we stay here too much longer."

That woke Stave up and he quickly mounted. They both spurred their beast into motion and rode them as hard and fast as the horses could handle. They rode hard until they reached the western most lift station. Here they felt they could safely pause and rest the horses a few minutes.

One of the lift station guards came over as they watered and rubbed down their mounts. "You boys seem to be in a big hurry. Did you rob the bank or something?"

Stave stopped and looked at the city guard. "We are running from her, she wants us back. We can't do it anymore. If they put us back as her guards we would go totally insane and kill her with great happiness and joy."

"Kill who son. It can't be that bad now can it."

As he said that, they heard a sound that caused the brothers blood to freeze. "Shit, she is on our track, we have to go now. Sorry horses, but you have to move again."

The city guard had heard the scream and he knew it from what had been said in bars all across Kelethin. "You two were never here, ride for your lives, she won't take any prisoners now."

They rode until the horses were staggering from exhaustion. Just before dark they arrived at the Swayback Inn, the stable master looked at what had been done to the horses, and charged them extra for the abuse of the animals. Neither brother complained at the extra cost.

They spent a quiet night in the common room as the place was full already with traveler. In the morning the bard mail carrier came in at his usual time. He brought news of a major incident in Kelethin involving the young Fay Princess.

Both brothers tried to sink into the floor and out of sight. He continued, "She went totally insane on the city guards. She kept screaming something about wanting her two deaf mute guards back. She wrecked the western lift ground station, damaging the lift itself and drove the guards there to tears when she berated them so badly for allowing the two to escape. Her mother finally came down and got her under control. She actually grabbed the girl, clipped her wings together then proceeded to beat her ass with a wooden club."

Both brothers sat up and just started to laugh, a total maniacal insane laugh that caused everybody in the common room to move away from them and worry about their sanity. They got some control after a few minutes of the laughter and giggles. "We are both very sorry about this, it was us she was after. We did 18 months guard duty on her, and we are ready to kill her in much the manner her mother punished her, except our clubs had spikes and flames."

The rest of the guest looked at them with fear now. There were tales of the insanity that some of the former guards suffered after doing that duty. "Don't worry about us, we are still sane, well mostly, I think. We are just running for our lives now," said Heart.

The bard looked over, "That makes sense to me. Where are you two headed."

"We hope to reach the Butcherblock Upper Pass Village. It is about as far as you can get from Kelethin and still be in the Greater Faydark. If they need it, we plan to set up a full woodworking shop and take on apprentices once we are established," said Stave.

"Well that is my last outbound stop. They don't have any full time wood shops out there at all and to be honest, they need one up there rather badly. If you get set up quickly enough, you will be supplying the entire western arm with your products. What is your specialty?"

"Well Heart here is a certified Grand Master Carpenter, and I am a Grand Master Bowyer and Master Fletcher."

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